MommaMella
New Member
"Never Let the Situation Mean More than the Relationship"
UGH. These words once gave me the strength to endure what I thought then were trying times with daughter. Ha! Little did I know. Now, I want to kick these words in their stupid word teeth. And at the same time, I really miss the feeling of certain hope they once gave me.
Before the real sh*t hit the fan (Are we allowed to cuss here? because I reeeeeally want to ..a whole lot these days), this past summer, the daughter's therapist (for some anxiety and mild depression), gave me this little gem of a quote and told me to hold on to the fact that in a few years, daughter will emerge from her teenage chrysalis having blossomed into a beautiful young adult butterfly with all her senses and logic and personality transformed. Ok, so she didn't use those words exactly but something to that effect. She did talk to me about the science of the teenage brain. Fascinating. I felt educated. And she told me not to worry, daughter was a smart kid, she was "on the right path" and I was "doing the right things" (phew!) ...and that everything would be ok. She reassured me with references of her own daughters teen issues and how with time and patience and a tiny touch of Prozac, her child made it thru these tough teen years ...and now poof! - now they are besties. Boy, did I want that! #RelationshipGoals! And all of this, at the time, made sense, so I felt prepared and ready to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm of the typical teen...and I completely trusted that I'd see that butterfly someday.
...Then, in November, when daughter was hospitalized the first time, after getting caught taking pills from our bathroom and then threatening suicide...the hospital with my permission of course, informed the therapist about daughter's condition and treatment and also about her admitted drug use.
...And the day daughter was being discharged and needed a follow-up care plan in place, the therapist - with all the right answers and the bestower of parental hope - totally dumped us - over the phone - as I sat in my car in the hospital parking garage. She said she "just didn't treat teens with drug problems because its too tricky with all the lies and..." [and honestly here's where the memory of our phone conversation fades into the abyss as I honestly have no idea what she said next - I was completely stunned.] But you know what!? Knowing what I know now, I do not blame this therapist one tiny bit because she was SOOOOO RIGHT! It's reeeeallly f'n tricky and there are a whole hell of a lot of lies...many of which I've told myself along the way.
So fast forward thru the pain, the heartache, the stress and the total life disruption of 2 hospital stays for suicidal ideation, two stints in Partial Hospital Program, one in Intensive Outpatient where all the while we were at her side every step, feeling responsible, feeling terrified...and her seeming like she wanted to be better and saying sorrys and lots of I love you's... to this weekend's drunken episode and yesterdays intake appointment at an outpatient addiction treatment center...and the moment the husband and I have finally come to terms with just how clueless we have been and how much we didn't know about our 15 year old daughter - like where she was, who she was with, or what she was doing... And finally, to tonight, when daughter, stone-cold-sober now because she has been on total lock-down here at home since Saturday night, told me that she simply "doesn't care anymore because she just. doesn't. like. me." Wait! Whaaat?? SHE doesn't like ME? HMMPF! ME?! I did not respond...I won't let her know what her words can do anymore. But here, in my silence, all I can think of is that quote from the therapist, running thru my head... THE RELATIONSHIP. And even after everything, after reading all the hateful thing's she's written about me from her now confiscated cellphone, after seeing my strong husband break down and cry over her, after hearing her scream at us in drunken/drug induced fits of rage that she hates us, that we make her want to kill herself, that our house is toxic to her and she will runaway - and to tonight --calm, cold and unprovoked -- she casually says she doesn't care because she doesn't like me... Still...I care. And still I hope to see that butterfly and to someday have that damn RELATIONSHIP again. ...Someday.
UGH.
Im so happy to have found this group and for the outlet to vent to those who know where I'm at. Thank you for reading. <3
UGH. These words once gave me the strength to endure what I thought then were trying times with daughter. Ha! Little did I know. Now, I want to kick these words in their stupid word teeth. And at the same time, I really miss the feeling of certain hope they once gave me.
Before the real sh*t hit the fan (Are we allowed to cuss here? because I reeeeeally want to ..a whole lot these days), this past summer, the daughter's therapist (for some anxiety and mild depression), gave me this little gem of a quote and told me to hold on to the fact that in a few years, daughter will emerge from her teenage chrysalis having blossomed into a beautiful young adult butterfly with all her senses and logic and personality transformed. Ok, so she didn't use those words exactly but something to that effect. She did talk to me about the science of the teenage brain. Fascinating. I felt educated. And she told me not to worry, daughter was a smart kid, she was "on the right path" and I was "doing the right things" (phew!) ...and that everything would be ok. She reassured me with references of her own daughters teen issues and how with time and patience and a tiny touch of Prozac, her child made it thru these tough teen years ...and now poof! - now they are besties. Boy, did I want that! #RelationshipGoals! And all of this, at the time, made sense, so I felt prepared and ready to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm of the typical teen...and I completely trusted that I'd see that butterfly someday.
...Then, in November, when daughter was hospitalized the first time, after getting caught taking pills from our bathroom and then threatening suicide...the hospital with my permission of course, informed the therapist about daughter's condition and treatment and also about her admitted drug use.
...And the day daughter was being discharged and needed a follow-up care plan in place, the therapist - with all the right answers and the bestower of parental hope - totally dumped us - over the phone - as I sat in my car in the hospital parking garage. She said she "just didn't treat teens with drug problems because its too tricky with all the lies and..." [and honestly here's where the memory of our phone conversation fades into the abyss as I honestly have no idea what she said next - I was completely stunned.] But you know what!? Knowing what I know now, I do not blame this therapist one tiny bit because she was SOOOOO RIGHT! It's reeeeallly f'n tricky and there are a whole hell of a lot of lies...many of which I've told myself along the way.
So fast forward thru the pain, the heartache, the stress and the total life disruption of 2 hospital stays for suicidal ideation, two stints in Partial Hospital Program, one in Intensive Outpatient where all the while we were at her side every step, feeling responsible, feeling terrified...and her seeming like she wanted to be better and saying sorrys and lots of I love you's... to this weekend's drunken episode and yesterdays intake appointment at an outpatient addiction treatment center...and the moment the husband and I have finally come to terms with just how clueless we have been and how much we didn't know about our 15 year old daughter - like where she was, who she was with, or what she was doing... And finally, to tonight, when daughter, stone-cold-sober now because she has been on total lock-down here at home since Saturday night, told me that she simply "doesn't care anymore because she just. doesn't. like. me." Wait! Whaaat?? SHE doesn't like ME? HMMPF! ME?! I did not respond...I won't let her know what her words can do anymore. But here, in my silence, all I can think of is that quote from the therapist, running thru my head... THE RELATIONSHIP. And even after everything, after reading all the hateful thing's she's written about me from her now confiscated cellphone, after seeing my strong husband break down and cry over her, after hearing her scream at us in drunken/drug induced fits of rage that she hates us, that we make her want to kill herself, that our house is toxic to her and she will runaway - and to tonight --calm, cold and unprovoked -- she casually says she doesn't care because she doesn't like me... Still...I care. And still I hope to see that butterfly and to someday have that damn RELATIONSHIP again. ...Someday.
UGH.
Im so happy to have found this group and for the outlet to vent to those who know where I'm at. Thank you for reading. <3