Told our difficult child not to come home for holidays, feeling regreted but we just had to...

[pacific ocean]

2. She seems to do better far away and independently. She seems to be succeeding to some extent both academically and job-wise. While she may be heading towards the rocks, she has managed to keep herself afloat for awhile now in a culture that is not her own, facing a great deal of demands. This is remarkable for a young person.

You might think why we are worried about her if our difficult child does well independently. But we strongly think she needs to mature before she leaves college. Since we support her, we think we still have rights to tell her what would work better for her. Well, that is if she listens. She doesn't, so we must stop worrying.

3. While diagnoses matter sometimes and in some situations (for medication, for insurance, for children over whom we have some control, and complete responsibility) for parents of an emancipated adult child, they matter little. To me diagnoses are a way to either feel guilt and responsibility, or to blame the child. Let me tell you right now--I do it. Today I called my son psychotic, because what he says frightens me--for him. *I am not recommending this as a parenting strategy so there is no need for readers to tell me that this is a dysfunctional parenting strategy. I know it is.

Diagnoses would seem to help our difficult child but after hearing your story, I would have to change our thinking. Let me bring this to my husband and discuss. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I am nodding as reading the rest of the things you listed.
Again, my husband and I will take time going over the list to confirm where we stand now.

 

[pacific ocean]

WHile education is important, I think you need to reconsider funding her tuition. She has not upheld ANY of the things you asked of her, and you asked VERY MINIMAL things. Instead she has abused your credit card, your finances, everything she has agreed to, thrown knives around your home, ruined your trips to visit her (and those sound like very calculated and expensive things done to ruin your trips so that you won't take trips to visit her or so that you will be financially unable to visit her, esp given her insistence upon going to do expensive dining once she was released from the hospital and her anger when you were too exhausted to do that). I would tell her to fund her education on her own, and would cut off all funding to her at this point, simply telling her that you are not capable of paying for her expenses because she has run up too many expenses and not kept to a single agreement, so her education is her responsibility.

susiestar, my husband and I have a different opinion about supporting her tuition. I told him we should shop funding. But he thinks paying for her school is one of the main responsibilities as parents and our difficult child has a passion in studying. With your comment, we will have another discussion about funding her. I know it's not money but taking two trips to the US in such a short span does hurt.

 

[BusynMember]

I actually understand the tuition funding IF you are not financially stressed by doing it and if she is a good student. My son whom we adopted from abroad then left in adulthood was mega brilliant. He skipped college declaring "I'll be sic years ahead of my peers." Adults love him and help him and he is a millionaire plus today with an enormous house and inground pool, a wife and two kids (I never met the kids). He owns his own business.

Regardless of his attitude toward us, I am grateful every day that since he doesnt want us in his life, he doesn't NEED us in his life. It takes worry about him off my chest. I know he will always be self sufficient.

It beats worrying "Did I do right? Should I do more even though he doesn't want me around?"

If it will ease your mind about how she will do in life and support herself, do it for you, if not her. What I mean to say is, I can see both sides.

Of course she can get loans too. My daughter got through school on loans and grants. We didn't have funds to send her, but did help her navigate to get help. So it can be done.

Have a good day.

 

[pacific ocean]

Thank you for your reply.

My son whom we adopted from abroad then left in adulthood was mega brilliant. He skipped college declaring "I'll be sic years ahead of my peers." Adults love him and help him and he is a millionaire plus today with an enormous house and inground pool, a wife and two kids (I never met the kids). He owns his own business.

Did your son ( I guess C3 according to your signature?) have identity issues while growing up in another country/being adopted/ethnically?

Our Difficult Child is multiple-racial. Her dark skin and body features made her stand out so much while growing up here. She seemed to proud of it but when she often misinterpreted the messages from people who said positive things about her and then looked them down and never tried to merge with them for anything. People whom Difficult Child "approve"/gave a pass to access her have given her wonderful opportunities mainly, jobs like interpreting, teaching, and even being on stage. It must have been hard not being "fit" in this culture where we live but she complains on everything everywhere unless she is #1. Since she was a thriving learner, we put her in the best school and gave her lots of opportunities to get various experience, well, mainly to meet different people because she was never appreciative of different people.
It's funny her one time boyfriend told me that our Difficult Child seems to be the most classic person who grew up in this culture he's ever met. To us she seems to be someone from outer planet. She is probably acting Asian up in the US and making that an excuse to "reason" for her differences.

Regardless of his attitude toward us, I am grateful every day that since he doesnt want us in his life, he doesn't NEED us in his life. It takes worry about him off my chest. I know he will always be self sufficient.

This makes me cry.

It beats worrying "Did I do right? Should I do more even though he doesn't want me around?"
If it will ease your mind about how she will do in life and support herself, do it for you, if not her. What I mean to say is, I can see both sides.

This brings me more crying.

Of course she can get loans too. My daughter got through school on loans and grants. We didn't have funds to send her, but did help her navigate to get help. So it can be done.

Difficult Child's school is outrageously expensive, well, all the colleges in the US are so. She got some scholarships but it was still more than we could afford so we made her apply for a loan so she will have a chunk when she gets out. She could probably pay it off in a short period of time... if her luck would continue.

This morning there was a email from our bank saying the mutual account has a new pass word. Ok, Difficult Child. Now we have no access to this account so that we can't emit anything. We didn't mind to help her medical cost if she is serious about seeking help/support but now she totally wants to be independent from us.
This is making me less and less hopeful (about our reuniting) and disappointed... sad, lonely.

We are amazed how she's been surviving in the country (US) that was new to her. She never lived there. She couch surfed during summer. It's the era of internet or what.

 

[sam ilpa]

hi pacific ocean. I'm glad you found this site. I am new and have a 24yr old daughter with- bipolar, depression and anxiety. I found this site a safe haven. i send you positive energy.

 

[pacific ocean]

hi pacific ocean. I'm glad you found this site. I am new and have a 24yr old daughter with- bipolar, depression and anxiety. I found this site a safe haven. i send you positive energy.

Thank you so much. I am glad to have found this site. I wish we knew about it long time ago. Never thought of turning to the internet.

 

[BusynMember]

My son lived in an Asian country in an orphanage for six years. He was proud of his heritage and married a woman who helped him disown us and she is of the same heritage. He speaks fluent Mandarin although he had forgotten his native language of Cantanese. He goes to and does business in China.

I loved him like my own and to me he was my own. Not to him. He is friends with his half sisters and biological mother on Face Book. I'm sure he has met them and I am happy for that. He needed that, I think.

I am not angry or sad much anymore. I haven't seen him more than once in over ten years. He and his wife were so vile the one time I was allowed to see him that I drove away knowing it was over it had been like seeing a stranger.

I have four other kids, three adopted, and have had no attachment issues with them at all and they are also different races, but they came at young ages. They (*other adopted kids) are well adjusted and we are close. Although they are grown and gone they call me more than once a week. I choose to give my heart to those who can love me back. I have let Goneboy, as I call him, live his life without us. I tried at first but it just made worse.

It is what it is.

 

[pacific ocean]

Thank you, SomewhereOutThere, for sharing about one of your son.

That is wonderful he is proud of his heritage. Our Difficult Child has a very distorted feeling about where she's from.
It's sad that we could not lead her to a different direction on this. Also your son is lucky to have found someone to share his life with.
Even though he does not show his love to you, I am sure he is feeling it somewhere deep inside.
I hope you get to see his heart melt and show his appreciation and his love to you some day because you deserve it.
I want to believe your love lives deep inside of him.

You must be getting together for Thanksgiving. We miss Thanksgiving Day in America.
Happy Thanksgiving!