Tomorrow my son turns 21

[Lil]

I understand. When mine was 18 and away at "college", we gave these little "token" gifts, things that had no real value at Christmas. Same at 19th birthday. At 20, a little bit of money, because someone was taking him to a concert and he needed a bit of spending money. It's been a long time since I've been able to be happy about a gift-giving event.

I'm sure that's how you all feel. That's just so sad for all of us.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, you are giving him more than I could ever afford to give my kids for birthdays. I personally feel nobody should buy a car for a child. They learn good values if they save up for a beater and learn nothing except mom and dad will be a bank for them if a new car or other very expensive gifts are given. in my opinion it isnt even good to do this for a hard working adult child. Actually, often they will not work so hard if we hand them gifts. Entitlement creates many difficult kids.

You have spent more on this child, who still isnt trying very hard, than most parents ever do. You should not feel at all guilty. He should feel very grAteful to have you and for all you and jabby are able to and willing to do to save his buttocks from homelessness. 21 is only a milestone to me if you are moving on, say, from college to your adult life. 21 can mean adulthood or just be some number that allows our difficult kids to legally drink. Probably not such a terrific thing.

I feel our constant love for all of them, even during tough times is a big enough gift, and I know it is one they appreciate. And im sure your son appreciates your unrelenting love and kindness too.

The best things in life money cant buy. I am just one mom in a haystack, but I never did understand why some parents felt tne need to provide their teens even with items they dont need and wonder if it is good for them..or if somehow it makes US feel better.
Just my dumb thoughts, possibly worth nothing.
You have a nice birthday plan. As always JMO.

 

[Lil]

Just my dumb thoughts, possibly worth nothing.

Your thoughts are always worth considering my friend; even when I don't agree with them.

Oh I wasn't even thinking of a big gift. I think it just got to me that any small "thoughtful" gift wouldn't be appreciated anyway. If it were worth anything, it would be sold. If it were just sentimental - well he's a guy and a thoughtless one at that. Not big on sentiment.

I know I gave him a lot, but you know, my parents gave me a lot. My first car was my mom's and then my brother's before me. The second, my father bought. He "took" a cow and calf that were "mine" as "payment", but since he gave me the cow in the first place, it wasn't as though I paid for it. In fact, my third car was his too; when my mom died and my father was quite ill, my brother and I had power of attorney - since my father could no longer drive, we used his cars and eventually I traded in the ones in my possession for a down on a new one...I was graduating from law school and needed a reliable car. It was the first I ever paid for myself. They gave me money all through college. They were just always "there". My first impulse is to give to him. It goes against my nature - and I have to really work on it - to not immediately "give".

 

[RN0441]

Somewhere:

I agree on the car thing. We bought an old one for him when we first moved him away from a town with a skate park where he'd go to ride his BMX bike which he always said was a great way for him to deal with his anxiety. It was his hobby and loved taking it apart and retooling it and it was probably the ONLY thing that he was passionate about during our craziness. He started this interest when he was young before all the crap started. He even has videos on You Tube. Our thought was he'd use the car to go to the skate park but naturally it did not end up that way so after a few tries we took it away and sold it.

Then he did well for some time and a few years passed and he seemed to have matured and we felt sorry for him and a guy at work was selling a great car for a steal and we were financially able so we did it again. Thinking he could work and go to school. Again, problems ensued so we took it away. We still have it though.

This was probably something we did more for ourselves. This has been part of OUR journey, mainly my problem, trying to fix him and not knowing how and going in circles. Trying to reward him for good behavior but then it leads to bad behavior.

I literally would do anything to make him happy so he would be "good".

 

[Lil]

Well I decided to skip the cookies. He's not that into sweets anyway. I did get him a card. It's extremely difficult to find a card for a grown son that doesn't talk about how proud you are of them.

This one is more, "I hope you recognise opportunities that come your way and I hope you have the strength to overcome hard times and I hope you love and are loved" or words to that effect.

Kinda perfect really.

 

[BusynMember]

RN, all the gifts on earth wont change anyone. If the person uses drugs theres a good chance the gift will be sold for drug money. But your love will be in your sons heart. He knows how you love him so. It matters. A lot.

Lil, sonic appreciates thoughtful gifts, but not bart. Some people dont. It may be mostly a boy thing at that. My two girls love "love you daughter" gifts and jumper even hung her "daughter, I love you to the moon" bracelet on the inside mirror of her car. Bart loses things like that. I wish he didnt, but he isnt mushy or sentimental at all. So I get it mucho.
Lil, I think you have given your son the best gift of all...over the top, forever love. Sometimes our kids dont understand the blessing in that. Not everyone experiences that kind of love. I didnt have it and wanted it more than anything else.
Lil and jabber, your son is a very lucky young man. Bet he knows it too.

 

[TheWalrus]

I bought my daughter two cars. A laptop. Several phones. Expensive clothes. Vacations. They meant nothing.

Cars? Totaled. Laptop? Gone. Phones? Gone. Clothes? Gone. It seems even the memories of those vacations and holidays and times together are also gone.

Did I give her too much? Certainly. She became very entitled. Still is. But we made her work, keep up her grades, and do her part at home. That straight A college scholarship? Gone.

I understand how you feel. We want our kids to have more than we had, not have it as rough, be there for them. But for some kids that becomes twisted and then they feel they are "owed" and as a parent, you not only have to be there but do it all.

SWOT is right - you are already giving much more than you should have to. I have a hard time not projecting my thoughts and feelings onto my daughter, not expecting her to react and behave the way I do. That is the person I can change - myself. Because she isn't me and I can't be to her what my parents were to me.

 

[pasajes4]

Lil, You can give him as much or as little as you and Jabber feel comfortable giving. If you feel resentful about giving him something, then don't give it to him. We are not obligated to give pricey gifts. I think that sometimes we do things because we worry about what others will think of us. I know people who live to give their children everything and derive all of their pleasure doing that. There are others who don't feel inclined to do that. Is one way more or less right then the other?

 

[Lil]

Well heck. All day I had a "feeling" about him. Just checked Facebook and he's in a mood. How he's been looking forward to this day for ages and now it doesn't matter, etc., etc.

I don't look forward to dealing with Mr. "I have no money and no home and no future and it's my birthday and no one cares" and that's who we're going to get tonight, I just know it.

 

[TheWalrus]

"I am sorry you feel that way, honey, and that you are disappointed in where you are. But you are an adult and you have the ownership to change your situation. I love you and I know you will figure it out."

 

[Lil]

"I am sorry you feel that way, honey, and that you are disappointed in where you are. But you are an adult and you have the ownership to change your situation. I love you and I know you will figure it out."

Oh I know that's true. But the problem is, I feel very sorry for him right now.

I mean, it's his 21st birthday! He should be living in his apartment, which was a very easy walking distance from the downtown night spots. He expected to be able to bar-hop with his roommate and have a fun night. Instead, he's homeless, only has a roof over his head for two more nights, he has no money for cabs or drinks either one, he basically has no friends - at least none that will pick him up and take him out - and he's going to dinner with his parents. What way is that to spend your 21st birthday?

I mean, I had a much better 21st than that. I imagine most people did. Like I said...I just feel sorry for him myself right now.

 

[Echolette]

My son was in rehab for his 18th and jail for his 21st. His story.

 

[pasajes4]

The fire was not his fault. The fact that he has no friends other than deadbeats is his fault. Not having money is also on him. Feeling sorry for our kids and their bad choices usually is followed by our making expensive bad choices that we wind up feeling resentful over. Dinner with his parents is more than the kid turning 21 fighting for this country will get tonight.

 

[BusynMember]

He created this though. in my opinion I would feel better if he wasnt bar hopping if he were mine. Dcs in my opinion are too high risk for addiction to start partying to get drunk on nimber 21. The last thing you need is an alcoholic and it can run in the genes.

Nobody made him quit his job.

Also not one of my kids had a big party night for 21. Princess had just gotten straight the year before and she stayed home with boyfriend. Sonic has no interesi in alcohol. Bart never did bars.

Not everyone has a crazy wild drunken party for 21. Im sure Jumper won't next year when she turns 21. Heck, I dont even remember my 21 lol. I.never drank.

Your son will be fine . 21 means he is a man.

 

[Copabanana]

he's going to dinner with his parents.

I guess I am served by having a fairly atypical life. No help with college through grad school. None ever, really. Looking back, while I might not have felt this way at 21, had my parents taken me out to dinner would have been the greatest of all things.

Some of the best memories of my life were my mother taking me out to dinner around that age and again to lunch when I turned 50. The best memories of my life. She did not remember either one. I did.

Your child has had parental support every step of the way. First concrete support, then moral support and still some financial support. You are always there for him.

I do not believe in the fantasies that this culture sells as rights of passage like Spring break, prom, college trip to Europe. These are not the rights of passage that matter. Nobody went to my graduation or was interested. I am not bitter but it still hurts me. You will be there, Lil, with a parade and a blimp. These are the things that matter. Your son never ever doubts your love for him. In time this will make all of the difference. Right now he has to suffer the effects of his choices.

There will be plenty of time to celebrate. Right now, what to celebrate is the incremental progress he is making which is considerable. Yes, he blows it. But he is doing it in the main.

 

[wakeupcall]

Wow, I think the same way. My Difficult Child will be 21 in October, but I just bought him a new iphone, less than two weeks ago. Today he told me he crushed the screen. Too bad........................

 

[Lil]

I know! I know! I'm being stupid about the whole thing, I know I am. It's just...when I was 21 I was in college and went out with girlfriends. In turn, I took out my friends. It's just how it was.

I just know that he wants so badly to have friends and have a good life, but I swear, it's like he doesn't know how to go about it; how to make that happen.

This is just me wishing so badly once again that he had the "typical" life I guess. His birthday has just driven this home and I'm having a really hard time with it...much more so than usual.

But I shall put on a happy face and try to be in a good mood for him. Maybe if I fake it, it'll be contagious.

 

[Lil]

And I know, I truly do know, how much worse it could be. I know so many of you have gone thru and are going thru much worse.

I'm sorry. I'm being stupid. I'll shut up now.

 

[pasajes4]

Lil, It $#@&$ plain and simple. He has to do it. You have to let him. Have a nice dinner with him. If he gets ugly, end the meal. You have done nothing to deserve an ugly attitude from him.

 

[InsaneCdn]

bought him a new iphone

Quit being a neuro-typical parent. (duck)
You're going to get an iphone for a challenging kid?
OK, so I did spend that much on my not-most-challenging kid, but I got a phone that stands up to major abuse, and then wrapped it in an Otter-box. Thank goodness for both - because it's been the recipient of a long list of close calls, pretty much everything but being driven over by a bus. Iphones are... shall we say, delicate?

In your defense, however, my more-challenging-kid would have broken ANY phone (and regularly does).