Tomorrow my son turns 21
- Thread starter Lil
- Start date
Lil
Well-Known Member
We bought ours a smart phone before "college"...not an iPhone, but still pricey. Refused to keep it in the Otterbox - he broke it. $150 later, he has a new one...(that was the insurance deductible). And...within a couple of months, he broke it! We spent another $150.00 and made him swear he'd keep the case on! Yeah, right...he he broke IT! That was that. He got a track phone until he came home. Since he was still on our plan, we activated our most recent phone we had before the new ones. He broke it. We activated the next oldest phone. He broke it. Eventually he ended up with a flip phone - the one he had when he was 13. We bought no more phones until the Cricket phone we got him in February as an early b-day gift. We'll never buy another either.
He FINALLY keeps this one in a case.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Sonic snd Jumper forever break those phones. Its not just Difficult Child adult kids! We got them nice phones too. Samsungs and one requested I-Phone that stayed whole maybe one month. The most common problems are broken screens.
I almost forgot to mention that, um, once my own phone must have fallen out of my purse and I crunched it as I backed my truck out of the garage. Ouch!
Those dang little monsters are easy to drop, lose, and break. I believe its not just a Difficult Child problem. They need to be made indestructible.
Lil, at least your son has it down now.
I almost forgot to mention that, um, once my own phone must have fallen out of my purse and I crunched it as I backed my truck out of the garage. Ouch!
Those dang little monsters are easy to drop, lose, and break. I believe its not just a Difficult Child problem. They need to be made indestructible.
Lil, at least your son has it down now.
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Childofmine
one day at a time
Lil, let us know how the dinner went.
You're not being stupid. You are grieving the situation. It's so hard to have to sit and agonize about our DCs birthday presents, for goodness sake. I have done it so many times.
Right now, Difficult Child is making tremendous progress. He is living in a trailer and wanting to move to an apartment, but doesn't have the money for deposits, first month's rent, etc.
He doesn't have internet. Costs too much.
He doesn't have a computer. girlfriend broke it the last time she blew up and went to jail.
He doesn't have a TV. girlfriend broke that too, that same night.
So....I could provide all of that in a heartbeat. Sometimes I just want to go and buy him a computer sooooooo badly. I start telling myself that he would love it, could watch TV on it, etc, etc, etc. I can really start rationalizing things.
I resist, and sometimes it takes all I have to resist. I have to figuratively slap myself in the face.
This is the whole point. The journey is the whole point (I say as I'm slapping myself).
If he doesn't have skin in the game, the game becomes meaningless.
If he doesn't do the work, the end result isn't worth anything to him.
If I keep on doing it for him, he never gets the chance to grow up.
I would love to give him so many things and I could do it easily...but it's not good for him.
Haven't I learned that the hardest, most painful way possible?
Then why do I still over focus on this?
We are natural givers to people we love. We want them to have it all. We want to provide.
These are good, human emotions. However, in the case of DCs, this just doesn't help. It hurts.
I so understand your struggle to limit yourself. We keep thinking...this one thing would really change his situation.
Resisting our own natural feelings is so very hard.
Hang in there Lil! You have made tremendous progress in the last year. Your son has made a lot of progress. I can see it, even if it doesn't feel that way to you right now.
The fire is a setback. He is learning something here. I am praying it provides a new foundation for him on his next steps.
Hugs.
You're not being stupid. You are grieving the situation. It's so hard to have to sit and agonize about our DCs birthday presents, for goodness sake. I have done it so many times.
Right now, Difficult Child is making tremendous progress. He is living in a trailer and wanting to move to an apartment, but doesn't have the money for deposits, first month's rent, etc.
He doesn't have internet. Costs too much.
He doesn't have a computer. girlfriend broke it the last time she blew up and went to jail.
He doesn't have a TV. girlfriend broke that too, that same night.
So....I could provide all of that in a heartbeat. Sometimes I just want to go and buy him a computer sooooooo badly. I start telling myself that he would love it, could watch TV on it, etc, etc, etc. I can really start rationalizing things.
I resist, and sometimes it takes all I have to resist. I have to figuratively slap myself in the face.
This is the whole point. The journey is the whole point (I say as I'm slapping myself).
If he doesn't have skin in the game, the game becomes meaningless.
If he doesn't do the work, the end result isn't worth anything to him.
If I keep on doing it for him, he never gets the chance to grow up.
I would love to give him so many things and I could do it easily...but it's not good for him.
Haven't I learned that the hardest, most painful way possible?
Then why do I still over focus on this?
We are natural givers to people we love. We want them to have it all. We want to provide.
These are good, human emotions. However, in the case of DCs, this just doesn't help. It hurts.
I so understand your struggle to limit yourself. We keep thinking...this one thing would really change his situation.
Resisting our own natural feelings is so very hard.
Hang in there Lil! You have made tremendous progress in the last year. Your son has made a lot of progress. I can see it, even if it doesn't feel that way to you right now.
The fire is a setback. He is learning something here. I am praying it provides a new foundation for him on his next steps.
Hugs.
Lil
Well-Known Member
@Childofmine 
I adore you...you always say just what I need to hear.
Dinner was fine. We went to the microbrewery and we ordered their "beer sampler" which is 7, 7-oz beers. He tried all but the stout - refused to even sip it - and he didn't actually drink any of them. I know he's had beer before - and likely plenty of it - but it appears he has a cheap palate. Then again, Jabber and I weren't fans either - I drank one and Jabber two. We ordered sandwiches and he got a pizza to take "home" as well. We took him to the store - his roommate and a few other people he knows were going to be at the hotel and we went home.
I did give him $20 in his card. He took the $20 - I doubt he even read the card - it's still in Jabber's back seat. I got a bit teary over that.
I tried not to talk about the fact that tonight is his last night in the hotel or the fact that they have no jobs still, other than to tell him we'd pick up whatever they don't want to try to carry with them.
Not a whole lot to tell.
I'm sorry I've been such a whiney so and so about this whole thing. As I said to Jabber last night, this just isn't where I expected him to be at his 21st birthday. It hit me very hard for some reason.
I adore you...you always say just what I need to hear. Dinner was fine. We went to the microbrewery and we ordered their "beer sampler" which is 7, 7-oz beers. He tried all but the stout - refused to even sip it - and he didn't actually drink any of them. I know he's had beer before - and likely plenty of it - but it appears he has a cheap palate. Then again, Jabber and I weren't fans either - I drank one and Jabber two. We ordered sandwiches and he got a pizza to take "home" as well. We took him to the store - his roommate and a few other people he knows were going to be at the hotel and we went home.
I did give him $20 in his card. He took the $20 - I doubt he even read the card - it's still in Jabber's back seat. I got a bit teary over that.
I tried not to talk about the fact that tonight is his last night in the hotel or the fact that they have no jobs still, other than to tell him we'd pick up whatever they don't want to try to carry with them.
Not a whole lot to tell.
I'm sorry I've been such a whiney so and so about this whole thing. As I said to Jabber last night, this just isn't where I expected him to be at his 21st birthday. It hit me very hard for some reason.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
This forum could be my full time job! LOL Luckily I'm slow at work.
My son was in rehab for his 16th birthday and his 18th birthday. Now he'll be 21 and be in IOP/sober living. DUH you'd think he'd get a clue.
Both of my parents were deceased when I was 17. I was living in my own apartment. Married at 20 with a full time job.
Just really enjoyed everyone's posts and no time to comments on all of them!
My son was in rehab for his 16th birthday and his 18th birthday. Now he'll be 21 and be in IOP/sober living. DUH you'd think he'd get a clue.
Both of my parents were deceased when I was 17. I was living in my own apartment. Married at 20 with a full time job.
Just really enjoyed everyone's posts and no time to comments on all of them!
Hear! Hear!
Wish there were a way to pin some of these sayings somewhere easy to find. If I print it out... it will just go missing off the fridge or cork board or anywhere else I put it.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
I am happy that you had a nice dinner for his birthday. I have stopped having expectations about anyone. I have come to realize that having them is the quickest way to resentment and disappointment. This goes for all of my kids, grands, friends, coworkers, and even store employees.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Lil, all in all that sounds like a nice celebration. I am sorry he didn't hold onto the card; I know how much thought you put into finding the right one.
My son's 21st hit me very hard too -- that was his first stay in rehab. The first time he could LEGALLY drink, and he couldn't drink.
His 22nd, he had gone missing from his sober living house for several months and we didn't know where he was. That one was hard.
His 23rd, he was living here and got sulky a few days beforehand because he just *knew* no one was going to celebrate it, then got angry because he didn't like my "lame" plans and refused to speak or eat at his favorite restaurant and refused to eat any of the birthday cake I had specially made by his favorite bakery. That one was hard too.
Will I ever celebrate them again? Probably. *I* need to celebrate his birth. But I see that *I* am the one who makes them hard, because of my expectations. How he receives my gift is really none of my business.
My son's 21st hit me very hard too -- that was his first stay in rehab. The first time he could LEGALLY drink, and he couldn't drink.
His 22nd, he had gone missing from his sober living house for several months and we didn't know where he was. That one was hard.
His 23rd, he was living here and got sulky a few days beforehand because he just *knew* no one was going to celebrate it, then got angry because he didn't like my "lame" plans and refused to speak or eat at his favorite restaurant and refused to eat any of the birthday cake I had specially made by his favorite bakery. That one was hard too.
Will I ever celebrate them again? Probably. *I* need to celebrate his birth. But I see that *I* am the one who makes them hard, because of my expectations. How he receives my gift is really none of my business.
PonyGirl65
Active Member
I think it's pretty normal to mourn the loss and disappointment of the life we wished for our children but that they will not (haven't yet) achieve. I think it's especially normal to have these feelings at the anniversary of their birth. In my opinion, Lil, you have no reason to apologize.
I loved all the input & feedback the Warrior Moms shared with you here!
I will keep an extra good thought for you & Jabber tonite.
Peace
I loved all the input & feedback the Warrior Moms shared with you here!
I will keep an extra good thought for you & Jabber tonite.
Peace
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