Tryin to hang in.

[Copabanana]

What I have learned on this forum is to factor myself into the equation. The effects on me. Somehow I had ignored this factor: the costs to me.

It is not so much I learned this here. It is that I observed the result of years of ignoring me. How I was an empty shell of myself. Desperate. My strengths had melted down into a puddle. My life had become contingent upon that which I did not control. Chaos.

We live like this when our sole (soul) focus comes to be the betterment or salvation of our child. It is a kind of soul death for us. We become collateral damage. This matters.

You matter. I matter.

I realized i do not help my child by depleting, starving myself. He has the resources to feed, to guard, to nourish, to maintain, to protect, to guide himself. Or if he does not, he can seek and find support. His purpose, the meaning of his life is not mine to determine. His lessons are not mine to teach.

I have my own lessons to learn. My own life and life force to nourish and protect and understand.

The results we have control over are located in ourselves. The consequences to our children are their teachers.

It is very very hard to watch them suffer. Yes. But how is it that we come to ignore our own suffering? The costs to us?

 

[Lil]

His lessons are not mine to teach.

You're 100% right. You DID teach him. We ALL taught our children to be kind, to be self-sufficient, to not steal or lie or cheat, to be decent, clean and honest human beings. We taught them not to drink or do drugs. We all taught them what we knew how to teach...and like me with my 10th grade algebra class, they chose to simply forget them and do without them.

It's okay to NOT have the answers. If my son chose to smoke pot and be homeless, my only choice, besides throwing money at him which did NOT help him except to buy him more pot, was to tell him where the shelters are. I don't know how to be homeless or to be in jail. Those are lessons are our kid's lessons to learn.

 

[RN0441]

Only a problem for those of us that love too much.

The first couple we met here when we moved here is interesting. We met them at the pool. The husband is 70 and the wife is 69. They have been married 20 years and both have adult children from earlier marriages.

Before the holidays we were going to dinner with them once per week or so.

One day she and I were together and she just happened to mention that she had a daughter that died at the age of 27. She had gotten an infection on a small sore on her leg that turned to staph and killed her within a few days. The girl was not a druggie or anything. I said OMG I am so sorry!! I did not know that.

She said, that's okay. It was a long time ago.

WHAT?? HUH??? I was shocked to hear that. I still feel sad about my first dog that we had to put down!!

 

[BusynMember]

They grieved already and are saying they have learned to live with it even though I am sure they are still sad. This happened to me wirh Goneboy. I am no longer sad because not moving on ever is the only other option. Do they have other kids they see and love?Grandkids?

Every loss is grieved and gets better. Doesnt mean they still dont cry sometimes.

I cant imagine losing a child to death having said that. I am one of those moms who definiyely loves too much. But I was able with great therapy to grieve a child who left us and to continue on, having a great life. Maybe it was because he is alive and was such a jerk at the end that it was offputting and hopeless. I celebrate the good times we had when he was little but dont miss him anymore. He was not attached to us. And maybe I was not as attached to him as I am to all my other kids who came as babies. He came at six. We did love him. But maybe (and I am not sure) missing those baby years made it a different, less intense love. I didnt think so at the time. Who knows though?


Hard to know what is really in the minds of others. If Goneboy had been my only it may have been very different too. So hard ro know. I am guessing it was horrid for them!

 

[RN0441]

Oh yes she has a son and grandkids and husband has 4 kids with many grandkids so 11 in all between them. They are one big happy family.

It was just the way she said it. Blew my mind. When I think about how much pain our son caused me/us. I wanted to be her at that moment I think.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, at the time I am sure he was in terrible pain. Unless they are psychopaths!

I think other loving people, especially kids, are a great comfort in horrible tragedies like that. You have to move on eventually...so many others need you. And going through it with other loved ones is comforting and healing. And time also helps some.....

I was told in therapy that often it is easier to grieve a death than a living nightmare with an uncertain ending. Maybe it is. My friends poor daughter and grandson have battled his neurofibroma (stage 4 cancer) since he has been two or before. He has now lived in and out of hospitals for almost three years. My friend is raising her two well grandkids as much as she can. Is that worse than a death? The family's entire world revolves around this little boy.

I pray every day and night that he makes it. What could be worse??

 

[Triedntrue]

I have heard people say in the case of missing children that they just need to know so they can move on. I don't know if once they know if they are able to move on or not. I guess i still believe where there is life there is hope both for those with a physically ill child and those of us with mentally challenging kids and adults.