Turning my back was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by EarthIsHard, Apr 12, 2018.

  1. Octavia

    Octavia New Member

    You will never know how much these words gave me peace and strength today. Your words echo what I deep down already knew , but was stifled in FOG. Thank you for so eloquently sharing your wisdom. I will come back to read this many times I am sure.
  2. Ms Helen

    Ms Helen New Member

    Good afternoon. I’m new to this board however not new to the situation. I have a 39 year son that has had substance abuse since he was 16. His grandmother and his father have enabled him but now the grandmother is in assisted living and my X has ran out of resources. I too have helped with legal fees etc the past 10 years so I can’t place blame. My son literally squatted in my other sons house for a year. My son finally got him out, now my oldest son is living in his truck. I can’t sleep or go to work I’m a mess! I did end up getting him a room tonight but can’t afford anymore. Is it morally right to leave them on the street? We think he has mental issues now due to too much drugs. Is there a state funded mental health to get him the help that he needs. Then a least I know I tried. Please advise, I don’t know what I should do!
  3. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    Hi Ms Helen,
    I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone but you've come to the right place to those who have walked in your shoes and understand your pain. There are no right or wrong answers but the best advice I can give is to read these forums and perhaps there will be a post that will "click" with you. Perhaps you will find solace that you are not alone and can speak openly at any time to those that offer support and comfort.
    The one thing I've learned is you need to be strong and healthy yourself in order to best help your son and think clearly. At the moment you are in a constant state of distress and probably can't think clearly from lack of sleep as well.
    I can't offer advise as to state funded mental health as I'm in Canada but there may be others on this forum that have the answer for you. You can also try starting your own post and get more answers to your specific question. Hugs to you.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    There are hospitals that take Medicaid which he probably qualifies for, but he would have to sign himself in or else be actively suicidal/himocidal. The trend is outpatient. Stays are not usually long. If your son is a drug addict and currently using, there are low cost rehabs I think but again he is 39, you can not sign him in...he would have to sign in.

    Chances are your sons mental health will improve dramatically as his brain heals if he decides to quit.

    Many adult kids on this forum spent time on the streets while they were using. They find ways to survive and are very resourceful. Sadly drug addicts care about their drugs of choice first and a life that is normal by society norms can not compete.

    To me it is morally responsible to keep yourself safe. He is still young and will survive this, even if he is not comfortable. He can change his drug life if his comfort matters that much to him. My daughter quit when drugging became "not worth it. Too hard."

    You are not young and drug addicts are high maintenance if not violent at times. The stress can kill us too. Others love us and want us healthy and we also can love ourselves enough to honor our safety and health.

    in my opinion you need to let him figure this out. Or not. He is a middle aged man. Not your little boy anymore. Most importantly, we can only change one person in the world but ourselves. There is nothing you can do to help him. Like everyone here, you have tried everything. He has to do it. Only he can change himself; his path.

    Welcome to our forum. You may want to start your own thread for a bigger response.

    Love and light!
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2018
  5. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Ms Helen, I am so sorry you find yourself here. Many of us are going through similar things right now, and asking ourselves the same questions. I encourage you to read through some of our other threads here and in Parent Emeritus, and post a thread of your own with more details on your situation. The short answer I have learned is that WE cannot continue to try if THEY are not trying. My son has been on the street, and it's looking like he is about to be again. Could I bring him back here? Yes. Would it fix anything long term? No. And I would be sacrificing the new life of peace and safety I have built here. We cannot fix them if they do not want to be fixed. I understand the lack of sleep, the inability to concentrate, the constant worry. Someone on another thread called this "24-Hour Mother Disaster Headline News" and said we all need to learn to change the channel when these headlines are running through our brains nonstop. Nature is right - you have to keep yourself strong first, or you can't help anyone. So change the channel, make a cup of tea, but some soothing music on, lose yourself in work or an engaging diversion for a while. Your constant worry is doing nothing for him. When you are feeling stronger, you'll be in a better place to assess options - yours and his - and perhaps think about ways in which you can point your son to resources that will help him help himself.

    Hugs to you. You're not alone.
  6. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    Ms Helen, I'm sorry for all that you and your family are going through for such a long time. I don't know what state you are in though surprisingly, we've found that the state funded program our son was just in was the most helpful. Maybe it's timing though our son has had drug issues for 10 years now and really don't know if drugs or the mental condition came first though I really believe it was the drugs first. Last year he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He refused medication and after trying everything to help him, we finally made the decision to have him decide on treatment or leave the house. Our hearts were broken. Nearly seven months later we received an anonymous call from another state saying they were treating our son at a state funded hospital. A judge ordered forced medication. The social worker kept us in the loop. We couldn't believe all the behavior that was being displayed or the degree of treatment they had to resort to. If you had showed a movie of all we heard my mouth would still be hanging open. After nearly three months he was released and we drove out to pick him up rather than letting him go to the streets again.
    Five days later he checked himself in on a hold at a good hospital that our insurance covers. Guess he wasn't ready for the real world yet. After two and a half weeks he was once again discharged. He said that he wasn't going to continue the medication so told him the choice was his of where he wanted to go but it wasn't going to be home. A treatment program, sober living, or the streets. He chose sober living. We thought it was better that he tried what he felt was best for him. So, we picked him up, no stopping even for a second at home, and drove him straight to sober living in the next county. It's been almost four weeks. We hadn't even left the house yet and he asked to go to the pharmacy to pick up his medications, which they are now dispensing to him. We paid the first month. After that he has to pay weekly rent. We said we'd pay half of two more weeks after he has paid his half. They expect him to get a job and he's still working on that. At least he wants to try.
    I must say, he's a million times better than a year ago. It's really a miracle. He calls us at least every other day just to talk. His younger sister is home from the University this weekend and he had a phone conversation with him. They were both laughing and I almost cried. I thought I'd never see that again. Afterwards, she told me that she really never even knew what his personality was like since she wasn't even a teenager when all this started.
    The reality is that most likely there will be bumps down the road but I'll tell you, I'm so glad there is a road to go down!
    Well, that was a long winded answer. Unfortunately, it probably has to get that bad before help shows up and state funded programs, in our experience, are great, not to mention no huge medical bills this time.
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  7. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    Our son got a job!! It's been so long since he's worked. He has such a positive attitude and passed out sooo many resumes. First day is tomorrow. Crossing fingers:)
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  8. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    That’s great news! Good for him. Sending wishes of good luck for tomorrow!
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I'm so happy to hear this news! Maybe your son is READY to change. How wonderful!!!

    How are things going?

    Baby steps; one day at a time!
  10. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    Still crossing my fingers and folding my hands:)
    Our son is still living at the sober living house. Still has his part time job! He asks for an overnight pass once a week to come visit. He's had such a positive attitude. Such an entirely opposite position than a year ago. We are grateful.
    I hope everyone can find some light during this holiday season.
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  11. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    Here I am, new to this site, and just read this message from months ago. You are a teacher to me. Thank you.
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you RPmom. We all teach one another. It has been awhile since I have posted, been dealing with my own inner turmoil with recent new, but same old same old drama. It was good for me to reread this, and reaffirm my boundaries. God works in mysterious ways.
    The holidays can be especially challenging. Make sure to take care of YOU! You matter. The rest of your life, matters.
  13. Irish Momma Bear

    Irish Momma Bear New Member

    I feel your pain and sorrow since I too am in a similar situation. All I can do is pray.
  14. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    My husband and I pinch ourselves daily. Our son has held a 30 hour a week job for over a half year, at the same location! He is living at home with us though now he's taken full responsibility for paying his own food, health and car insurance, and is paying back debt. He even has a savings! Last month he said that he'd never be without a savings again because it was so hard on the streets and every time he got any money he would use it for drugs or it was stolen. He doesn't want to return to that situation of streets and mental institutions.
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  15. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    So so so happy for you and your son! What a turn around ! :thumbsup: