You will never know how much these words gave me peace and strength today. Your words echo what I deep down already knew , but was stifled in FOG. Thank you for so eloquently sharing your wisdom. I will come back to read this many times I am sure.Earthishard, I am so sorry for your heartache. I know the frustration of watching a beloved child go off the rails and being absolutely powerless to prevent it. It is like trying to stop a train wreck. Over, and over and over again.
We love them and want the best for our children.
But........
If love could save them, we would have no need for this forum.
I also have not heard from either of my two for months now. My home is way more stable, but that unanswerable question lingers in the back of my mind as to how they are doing.
When I start to worry and fret, I say a prayer and ask God to watch over them.
It calms me and helps me to pick myself up and carry on.
I ask in faith and hope they find their way.
We all have our journeys, including our adult children. Who knows why they are walking the path they are on.
I just know that the choices my two were making while in my home were dragging us all in to the pit with them.
I want to share this thought with you.
You did not turn your back on your son.
It is his choices that you reject (and rightly so) not him.
Addiction and drug use, would have us stay desperate and broken to perpetuate the cycle. It becomes an illness that infects everyone involved, the addict as well as family who try with all of their might to stop the insanity of it.
The issue is, that it is up to our beloveds to figure out that the consequences of caving to addiction and drug use, are not worth using.
I have seen the ravages of meth up close and personal. It is an insidious drug. I have also seen people overcome using. My niece in recovery told me that the best thing her parents did, was to make her leave. She said that was the only way for her to get clean.
This testimony keeps me going on the path.
One day, I had a talk with a nephew, who uses meth. I asked him if he knew where his cousins were. “They are finding themselves”
Huh.
He went on to tell me that I should “just build a little place for them in the back of my house.
“If Uncle were alive, he would do it, because he loved them.”
That stung for a moment.
To the core of me.
I took a deep breath and replied that I loved them too, enough to know that their using was no good for them, and affected us all so badly....
This conversation got me thinking about how an addict thinks, and wants us to think. That our housing them, feeding them while they use is loving them.
Addiction wants us to stay involved, entangled, giving our all.
Addiction takes and takes and takes.
Stealing precious time and resources, stealing our peace, joy, decimating us to despair, to the point where we don’t know what to do. To the point where we think if we stop trying, helping, enabling we are turning our backs on our beloveds.
I am not denying your feelings, not at all. I know this feels like you turned your back on your son. It felt the same to me, when I first made my daughter leave at 18. I still go back to that moment and wonder “If I had done this, or that”
My home had a revolving door for years between my two daughters. From them begging to come back, to rearranging our small home to fit everyone, then an episode would occur, (you know the drill) and I would turn them out.
It was around three years ago that I finally realized my helping, was not helping. Still, there is this huge void when we reach the understanding that we have tried everything and the only rational alternative is to have our adult children leave.
It feels horrible, like the ultimate defeat.
All the stages of grieving rolling through like dark storm clouds.
I understand and am so sorry for the pain of it.
I believe in what Maya Angelou said, that words and thoughts have power.
This is why I write to you here and encourage you to try to switch that mind frame of turning your back on your son.
What ran through my mind in repeating those words is this.
Turning my back on my daughters..........
I turned my back on my two, every day that I walked out of my home to go to work while they feigned illness. Okay, reality check, they were ill because they were not high, tweaking, coming down. I was blind to that then. They slept all day. If a friend phoned, they were instantly cured, went out and partied. Giddy and talkative with friends, moody and unpredictable with us, they displayed unacceptable disrespect, played mind games and blame switched. Punched holes in my walls.
They negated a “conventional life” for drugging and partying, yet, reaped the benefits of their parents working and paying the bills.
I turned my back to the fact that their choices were destroying the peace in my home, because I thought that turning them out was cruel, that they would just get worse, I couldn’t imagine them being homeless and I didn’t want them to suffer.
In this, I turned my back on myself. Sacrificed time and energy to try to make things right. Swallowed down the hurt as they saw my increasing resistance to their living in my home, then triangulated their father against me, as he was softer and more willing to keep trying.
When I realized that I didn’t want to go home, because it was no longer my sanctuary and filled with the chaos of their choices........I knew I had to turn around and face the reality of the situation.
I was forced to look at it by a hysteric episode with my younger daughter circling my home in a rage screaming and swearing at the top of her lungs.
Talk about a rude awakening.
That was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.
It was a harsh lesson, up close and personal, in living color of what was happening ....the behavior was just so outrageous, there was no alternative but to see it for what it was.
Full blown, undeniable addiction and drug use.
Mania.
Destructive and earth shattering for me.
For her?
Just another Tuesday.
That event helped me to say no, the next time she casually mentioned that she was “coming home”.
Did I feel good about that?
Nope, it broke my heart.
Just as you wrote, I felt like I turned my back on her.
But I knew I couldn’t go another round.
She asked to come home again, right after her father passed.
In all of my grief and vulnerability, I summoned up the courage to say no.
Because love says no.
I hugged her and told her that I loved her, but that she just didn’t get well at home, she needed to go to a DV shelter, or rehab.
She stared at me in disbelief and told me it wasn’t fair.
She was angry.
I was already a shell of myself from dealing with two off the rails daughters, empty from the ordeal of hubs illness, hospitalization and death.
I cried my eyes out.
It was a loss on top of loss on top of loss.
But I stood firm.
By the grace of God.
The night of hubs scattering of ashes, she decided to invite her cronies to my home, party in my backyard, then got into it (again) with her boyfriend and the police had to be called (again). It was horrendous, disrespectful and completely typical of a series of incidences we had endured over the years.
I was left to face it without my husband.
Enough is enough.
There is only so much any of us can take.
I couldn’t turn my back to it any more.
So I turned around and faced it for what it was.
My daughters choice to abandon the morals and values we raised them with, recklessly endanger their own lives and relentlessly try to drag us all down with them by their insistence that “family sticks together” when all along they were sticking it to us with their addiction and use.
Using us.
Sigh.
Sorry, I am venting. I am coming close to the two year date of my husbands passing.
Reeling those tapes again is hard, but it snaps me back to understanding that it was really that bad.
That I tried everything, like you Earthishard.
Until the day I die there will be moments where I will be stumbling and second guessing myself, wondering if I did enough.
That is the heartache a mother bares, when dealing with this.
Rinse, repeat.
Learn and grow.
I have to remind myself that I did not turn my back on my two.
I faced their addiction, that horrible beast and defiantly said “You may have your grip on my daughters, but you can’t have me”.
Addiction cannot trick me anymore in to thinking that I have a say in what my adult daughters choose. It cannot trick me in to thinking that when my daughters come to me, they want help.
But I also realize that I have to keep building my toolbox and keep my guard up over my own heart. It is a lifelong task.
Life is short, and I want to live peaceably.
By telling my daughters that they need to go elsewhere and get real help, I am freeing myself
from the destruction of addiction and pushing them towards recovery.
You did not turn your back on your son, you are pushing him towards recovery.
We have learned, you and I, that our beloveds do not get well in our homes.
That is a proven fact.
So, we face that .......and fight every nurturing urge in our bones to keep trying, even though we know it hasn’t worked.
What we have done is turn around and faced the horrible truth of addiction and drug use and said “No more”.
“Not in my home”
I believe that is why my daughters and maybe your son have gone no contact.
They know.
They know they cannot fool us anymore.
I am hoping that this knowledge will help them to stop turning their backs on themselves.
In the meantime, we have our own mission.
That is to find every ounce of strength to rebuild ourselves.
One step at a time.
While there is life there is hope.
So today, instead of thinking of all the terrible things that may happen to my two, I choose to wish and hope and pray for them to truly find themselves.
I am working on my own acronyms to help me fill that void of not knowing how my two are doing.
What I wish for them, I must strive to find in myself.
You too, and anyone else following along.
Be the change.
W.isdom, I.nsight, S.elf-care, H.ealth
H.ealing, O.vercoming, P.urpose,E.nlightenment.
This is tough stuff, Earthishard.
Everybody hurts.
I am touched by music too, songs have helped me release the sadness that builds up inside.
Bottling it all up is no good.
Some days, I just need a good cry.
Then I do my best to pick myself up and carry on.
I truly believe that each time I pick myself up, I am championing the cause for my two.
I am leading by example, and showing them there is a way out of the darkness into the light.
Everybody hurts. It is so true.
It is no small task to pull ourselves up and out. But we are worth the effort.
Please take care of yourself and know you are not alone.
Be very kind and gentle with yourself.
Find ways to nurture your soul.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Turning my back was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do
- Thread starter EarthIsHard
- Start date
You will never know how much these words gave me peace and strength today. Your words echo what I deep down already knew , but was stifled in FOG. Thank you for so eloquently sharing your wisdom. I will come back to read this many times I am sure.
Good afternoon. I’m new to this board however not new to the situation. I have a 39 year son that has had substance abuse since he was 16. His grandmother and his father have enabled him but now the grandmother is in assisted living and my X has ran out of resources. I too have helped with legal fees etc the past 10 years so I can’t place blame. My son literally squatted in my other sons house for a year. My son finally got him out, now my oldest son is living in his truck. I can’t sleep or go to work I’m a mess! I did end up getting him a room tonight but can’t afford anymore. Is it morally right to leave them on the street? We think he has mental issues now due to too much drugs. Is there a state funded mental health to get him the help that he needs. Then a least I know I tried. Please advise, I don’t know what I should do!
Nature
Active Member
Hi Ms Helen,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone but you've come to the right place to those who have walked in your shoes and understand your pain. There are no right or wrong answers but the best advice I can give is to read these forums and perhaps there will be a post that will "click" with you. Perhaps you will find solace that you are not alone and can speak openly at any time to those that offer support and comfort.
The one thing I've learned is you need to be strong and healthy yourself in order to best help your son and think clearly. At the moment you are in a constant state of distress and probably can't think clearly from lack of sleep as well.
I can't offer advise as to state funded mental health as I'm in Canada but there may be others on this forum that have the answer for you. You can also try starting your own post and get more answers to your specific question. Hugs to you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone but you've come to the right place to those who have walked in your shoes and understand your pain. There are no right or wrong answers but the best advice I can give is to read these forums and perhaps there will be a post that will "click" with you. Perhaps you will find solace that you are not alone and can speak openly at any time to those that offer support and comfort.
The one thing I've learned is you need to be strong and healthy yourself in order to best help your son and think clearly. At the moment you are in a constant state of distress and probably can't think clearly from lack of sleep as well.
I can't offer advise as to state funded mental health as I'm in Canada but there may be others on this forum that have the answer for you. You can also try starting your own post and get more answers to your specific question. Hugs to you.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
There are hospitals that take Medicaid which he probably qualifies for, but he would have to sign himself in or else be actively suicidal/himocidal. The trend is outpatient. Stays are not usually long. If your son is a drug addict and currently using, there are low cost rehabs I think but again he is 39, you can not sign him in...he would have to sign in.
Chances are your sons mental health will improve dramatically as his brain heals if he decides to quit.
Many adult kids on this forum spent time on the streets while they were using. They find ways to survive and are very resourceful. Sadly drug addicts care about their drugs of choice first and a life that is normal by society norms can not compete.
To me it is morally responsible to keep yourself safe. He is still young and will survive this, even if he is not comfortable. He can change his drug life if his comfort matters that much to him. My daughter quit when drugging became "not worth it. Too hard."
You are not young and drug addicts are high maintenance if not violent at times. The stress can kill us too. Others love us and want us healthy and we also can love ourselves enough to honor our safety and health.
in my opinion you need to let him figure this out. Or not. He is a middle aged man. Not your little boy anymore. Most importantly, we can only change one person in the world but ourselves. There is nothing you can do to help him. Like everyone here, you have tried everything. He has to do it. Only he can change himself; his path.
Welcome to our forum. You may want to start your own thread for a bigger response.
Love and light!
Chances are your sons mental health will improve dramatically as his brain heals if he decides to quit.
Many adult kids on this forum spent time on the streets while they were using. They find ways to survive and are very resourceful. Sadly drug addicts care about their drugs of choice first and a life that is normal by society norms can not compete.
To me it is morally responsible to keep yourself safe. He is still young and will survive this, even if he is not comfortable. He can change his drug life if his comfort matters that much to him. My daughter quit when drugging became "not worth it. Too hard."
You are not young and drug addicts are high maintenance if not violent at times. The stress can kill us too. Others love us and want us healthy and we also can love ourselves enough to honor our safety and health.
in my opinion you need to let him figure this out. Or not. He is a middle aged man. Not your little boy anymore. Most importantly, we can only change one person in the world but ourselves. There is nothing you can do to help him. Like everyone here, you have tried everything. He has to do it. Only he can change himself; his path.
Welcome to our forum. You may want to start your own thread for a bigger response.
Love and light!
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Elsi
Well-Known Member
Ms Helen, I am so sorry you find yourself here. Many of us are going through similar things right now, and asking ourselves the same questions. I encourage you to read through some of our other threads here and in Parent Emeritus, and post a thread of your own with more details on your situation. The short answer I have learned is that WE cannot continue to try if THEY are not trying. My son has been on the street, and it's looking like he is about to be again. Could I bring him back here? Yes. Would it fix anything long term? No. And I would be sacrificing the new life of peace and safety I have built here. We cannot fix them if they do not want to be fixed. I understand the lack of sleep, the inability to concentrate, the constant worry. Someone on another thread called this "24-Hour Mother Disaster Headline News" and said we all need to learn to change the channel when these headlines are running through our brains nonstop. Nature is right - you have to keep yourself strong first, or you can't help anyone. So change the channel, make a cup of tea, but some soothing music on, lose yourself in work or an engaging diversion for a while. Your constant worry is doing nothing for him. When you are feeling stronger, you'll be in a better place to assess options - yours and his - and perhaps think about ways in which you can point your son to resources that will help him help himself.
Hugs to you. You're not alone.
EarthIsHard
Member
Ms Helen, I'm sorry for all that you and your family are going through for such a long time. I don't know what state you are in though surprisingly, we've found that the state funded program our son was just in was the most helpful. Maybe it's timing though our son has had drug issues for 10 years now and really don't know if drugs or the mental condition came first though I really believe it was the drugs first. Last year he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He refused medication and after trying everything to help him, we finally made the decision to have him decide on treatment or leave the house. Our hearts were broken. Nearly seven months later we received an anonymous call from another state saying they were treating our son at a state funded hospital. A judge ordered forced medication. The social worker kept us in the loop. We couldn't believe all the behavior that was being displayed or the degree of treatment they had to resort to. If you had showed a movie of all we heard my mouth would still be hanging open. After nearly three months he was released and we drove out to pick him up rather than letting him go to the streets again.
Five days later he checked himself in on a hold at a good hospital that our insurance covers. Guess he wasn't ready for the real world yet. After two and a half weeks he was once again discharged. He said that he wasn't going to continue the medication so told him the choice was his of where he wanted to go but it wasn't going to be home. A treatment program, sober living, or the streets. He chose sober living. We thought it was better that he tried what he felt was best for him. So, we picked him up, no stopping even for a second at home, and drove him straight to sober living in the next county. It's been almost four weeks. We hadn't even left the house yet and he asked to go to the pharmacy to pick up his medications, which they are now dispensing to him. We paid the first month. After that he has to pay weekly rent. We said we'd pay half of two more weeks after he has paid his half. They expect him to get a job and he's still working on that. At least he wants to try.
I must say, he's a million times better than a year ago. It's really a miracle. He calls us at least every other day just to talk. His younger sister is home from the University this weekend and he had a phone conversation with him. They were both laughing and I almost cried. I thought I'd never see that again. Afterwards, she told me that she really never even knew what his personality was like since she wasn't even a teenager when all this started.
The reality is that most likely there will be bumps down the road but I'll tell you, I'm so glad there is a road to go down!
Well, that was a long winded answer. Unfortunately, it probably has to get that bad before help shows up and state funded programs, in our experience, are great, not to mention no huge medical bills this time.
EarthIsHard
Member
Our son got a job!! It's been so long since he's worked. He has such a positive attitude and passed out sooo many resumes. First day is tomorrow. Crossing fingers
EarthIsHard
Member
Still crossing my fingers and folding my hands
Our son is still living at the sober living house. Still has his part time job! He asks for an overnight pass once a week to come visit. He's had such a positive attitude. Such an entirely opposite position than a year ago. We are grateful.
I hope everyone can find some light during this holiday season.
xoxo
Our son is still living at the sober living house. Still has his part time job! He asks for an overnight pass once a week to come visit. He's had such a positive attitude. Such an entirely opposite position than a year ago. We are grateful.
I hope everyone can find some light during this holiday season.
xoxo
Here I am, new to this site, and just read this message from months ago. You are a teacher to me. Thank you.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Thank you RPmom. We all teach one another. It has been awhile since I have posted, been dealing with my own inner turmoil with recent new, but same old same old drama. It was good for me to reread this, and reaffirm my boundaries. God works in mysterious ways.
The holidays can be especially challenging. Make sure to take care of YOU! You matter. The rest of your life, matters.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Irish Momma Bear
New Member
I feel your pain and sorrow since I too am in a similar situation. All I can do is pray.
EarthIsHard
Member
RN,
My husband and I pinch ourselves daily. Our son has held a 30 hour a week job for over a half year, at the same location! He is living at home with us though now he's taken full responsibility for paying his own food, health and car insurance, and is paying back debt. He even has a savings! Last month he said that he'd never be without a savings again because it was so hard on the streets and every time he got any money he would use it for drugs or it was stolen. He doesn't want to return to that situation of streets and mental institutions.
Amen.
WiseChoices
Well-Known Member
So so so happy for you and your son! What a turn around ! 
