Update -- Been Awhile

[Littleboylost]

What great news. One day at a time take the positives where and when we can. I bet your exhausted with all of the mental preparation I am glad it paid off.

 

[wisernow]

How wonderful that you had a positive visit. I too find that when I see my son, prior to, I get apprehensive. Too much water under the bridge. I consciously try to set aside any expectations I have, and let him do the talking. I listen and let him be. I have found that by doing this we don't get into any confrontation and can actually enjoy some time together as we are.After all we are just two souls, different in some ways, similar in others. Each trying to journey on this life path. I have thrown any expectations, judgements etc out the door and that has been very freeing . Now enjoy some time for you! Hugs!

 

[Catmom]

My son now has quite the colorful record sprinkled with misdemeanors and multiple felonies. That being said, it was the fear of going to jail for many many years that made him see the light. At this point, he is in a rehab and has a court date to see if and how much time he gets sentenced for from previous charges. He is dealing pretty well with his unknown future, depending on God and loving being clean and healthy for the first time in years. It took getting scared beyond for him to hit rock bottom. The fact that he was messing with some scary characters and facing a bleak future has scared him straight. In the meantime, I just continue to pray and am very thankful for this turn of events.

 

[MichelleLynnFl]

Reading your original post just seemed as if I was typing it. Over and over, against my own better judgement, helped and enabled her. *sigh* My daughter does have a felony conviction and is resorting back to her old ways in 6 months time.

I am so sorry you are going through this and hope he really is getting the help he needs. My Dad and his father were both alcoholics. It's sad watching someone you love so much do this to themselves day in and day out.

You seem to wear your heart on your sleeve as I do. It's why this time, after the eviction, am cutting all ties with her. My heart has been fooled by the promises, the I will do whatever you say. All it would take is for my daughter to say she is out on the street, no food, almost raped...ect and I cave.

Everyone tells me they have to hit rock bottom and I thought she had going to jail....but, guess it was only a pebble and not the actual rock. Focus on you and even though he will be on your mind, time to let him see your serious.

(((HUGS)))

Our visit went better than I feared. I spent a lot of time beforehand trying to figure out what would happen, what *I* wanted to say and how I wanted to say it, etc...then realized I was focusing on what I wanted *FROM HIM* and how I could make that happen.

Nope, I don't control that part, that's why I'm so nervous....try again.

I realized what *I* want is to just get to know him again, SOBER, and let our relationship evolve from there. It has been such a long time since he's been sober for any length of time.

Once I was able to drop all the other expectations, I was very excited about the visit.

He looked great -- has gained about 30 pounds since we saw him last (but still underweight), clear eyes, clean, well groomed, much more engaged. He is still complaining/blaming somewhat, but overall a huge improvement. The program keeps him very busy, and he's a little uncomfortable with their heavy focus on religion.

For our part, we tried not to engage -- no soothing, no fixing, no advice. Just let him talk, and he would eventually catch himself and move on.

Overall it was a really good afternoon.

 

[Albatross]

Have had a few days to let our visit gel.

Hubs asked me today why I thought son kept bringing up his dorm mates and residents and their horrible back histories, ways they are faking their drug tests, ways they are intimidating him, etc.

"Do you think he was fishing, hoping we would let him leave rehab and live with us again?"

I didn't notice it until Hubs asked it, but now I do.

Even clean and sober, son is gaming.

When son lived with us last time (and hopefully THE last time) he had a job that many would kill for...good pay, work he enjoyed, great benefits, close to home, goal-oriented coworkers. Home environment was safe and nourishing. Lots of opportunities to do the things he said he loves, like hiking, biking, reconnecting with the family he had neglected.

Within a few weeks, his priority was to reach out to ex-girlfriend from detox, the one with lots of drama and the meth addiction, and that was all she wrote.

So we've seen this before, many times.

He PREFERS to be around people who live on this kind of edge. He seeks them out, whether he's in rehab or a safe and nurturing place. Then things get hard, because he's playing with hard people, and he wants to be rescued.

I'm trying to temper my expectations. He's only been sober for a couple of months, but still...

He's always scheming!

Why is everyone a means to his ends?

It gets sooooo tiresome to fend him off.

Has any other parent on this board felt that without the link of genetics they would have NOTHING to do with this person?

 

[BusynMember]

He is a risk taker and likes chaos. Who knows ehy? He shakes up hislife when its too calm and normal.

 

[Albatross]

He is a risk taker and likes chaos. Who knows ehy? He shakes up hislife when its too calm and normal.

YES! That is it exactly, SWOT! You always have a way of verbalizing what I can't put my finger on.

And that is his journey. Not what I'd want but it's his journey.

The problem is, he keeps involving us when he is out of his safe zone, and that is NOT OK ANYMORE.

He is 24 years old and no longer my responsibility (legally at least).

Now I just have to cleave my emotional responsibility from my legal responsibility.

Jeepers...

Why can't he just take up bungee jumping or something?!

 

[MichelleLynnFl]

I totally agree! My daughter is not a person I would associate with at all. Not the person I raised heart and soul.

Have had a few days to let our visit gel.

Hubs asked me today why I thought son kept bringing up his dorm mates and residents and their horrible back histories, ways they are faking their drug tests, ways they are intimidating him, etc.

"Do you think he was fishing, hoping we would let him leave rehab and live with us again?"

I didn't notice it until Hubs asked it, but now I do.

Even clean and sober, son is gaming.

When son lived with us last time (and hopefully THE last time) he had a job that many would kill for...good pay, work he enjoyed, great benefits, close to home, goal-oriented coworkers. Home environment was safe and nourishing. Lots of opportunities to do the things he said he loves, like hiking, biking, reconnecting with the family he had neglected.

Within a few weeks, his priority was to reach out to ex-girlfriend from detox, the one with lots of drama and the meth addiction, and that was all she wrote.

So we've seen this before, many times.

He PREFERS to be around people who live on this kind of edge. He seeks them out, whether he's in rehab or a safe and nurturing place. Then things get hard, because he's playing with hard people, and he wants to be rescued.

I'm trying to temper my expectations. He's only been sober for a couple of months, but still...

He's always scheming!

Why is everyone a means to his ends?

It gets sooooo tiresome to fend him off.

Has any other parent on this board felt that without the link of genetics they would have NOTHING to do with this person?

 

[Littleboylost]

I often say I love my son but I don't like him very much. Sometimes I look at his disheveled appearance and think how could this possibly be my handsome son, and so arrogant and full of himself. I would not associate with him if I don't love him.

 

[RN0441]

Albie

Yes I have often said the same thing. Like WHO is this person (with disgust face)!!

Yes even sober they are drug brain.

I was so SHOCKED about my son's last incident. He had been in rehab and sober living for months and they said he was doing well. My husband even saw him in July and they had a great few days; he was compliant with the sober living; they would not let him sleep at hotel with his dad so he went back to their facility and came to see his dad the next day after group. My husband refrained from even having a beer when they were together. All was good.

After my husband gave him his car back for work on that visit - the sober living said it was okay - within a few weeks he left there and went right to benzos and blacked out and totaled his car! Even with all we've been through with him, I could NOT believe it. I was not thinking he was buying all they were selling but we both felt the worst of the addiction was behind us. Especially my husband. Sad to say we were floored and devastated. Still am. So empty.

I watched Dope Man recently (which was filmed where I live and that was freaky seeing my water tower again and again) and he said getting these kids sober is one thing, THEN and only THEN can you work on their brain/thinking. THEY DO NOT THINK RIGHT. It takes years of behavioral therapy. YEARS.

I have said to my son for years that he needs to CHANGE. I mean a complete CHANGE of his thinking. Not sure if that is even possible sadly.

 

[Albatross]

I watched Dope Man recently (which was filmed where I live and that was freaky seeing my water tower again and again) and he said getting these kids sober is one thing, THEN and only THEN can you work on their brain/thinking. THEY DO NOT THINK RIGHT. It takes years of behavioral therapy. YEARS.

I was talking to a friend, a long-term recovery alcoholic, who said it takes a minimum (A MINIMUM!) of 1 year before one can expect to see a change in and addict's thinking. That is a scary thought. I believe that if my son did not have the threat of prison as a boot over his head, he would have walked away from rehab several times by now, but once in awhile there are glimmers of hope. My son, for the first time in 10 years, remembered my husband's birthday this week. Hopefully a good sign that the addict is loosening his grip. It is definitely a day by day thing.

 

[Littleboylost]

Maybe if they all need a thrill and we need a release form all this pressure, we could take our D.C. Bungle tossing. They don't get to jump we just toss them over and get to watch them bounce and dangle for a change.

 

[Sam3]

Maybe if they all need a thrill and we need a release form all this pressure, we could take our D.C. Bungle tossing. They don't get to jump we just toss them over and get to watch them bounce and dangle for a change.

I so needed that image just now!

 

[Littleboylost]

I so needed that image just now!

That should have read Bungie Tossing. Lol

 

[Sam3]

As I was reading your posts, Albie, it so reminded me of conversations we've had with our son. The long history of deceit and manipulation, makes it impossible to take much at face value, but even those seemingly innocuous things they say you realize may be an attempt at planting seeds or testing waters.

I know I'm in a sad way because I would find it refreshing even if they would just say, "Home is better than here. I want to use again, but I can't here. I don't know anything past that. So unless we can talk about getting me out, there's no point to the visit."

I don't know, it just feels like you can be sympathetic to the addiction piece, but getting " worked" by my son makes me wonder "Who are you?" It's like they are moral aliens. And it also makes me concerned for their mental health. Do they even know what the truth is? Is it possible they're creating some kind of false reality for themselves? And if so, do they have any boundaries they will not cross?

Then I have to struggle to remember that it's part of, not on top of, the addict mindset. I've seen the whole thing turn around for my brother. He's not full blown mea culpa, but he has a dark humor about the dark times that reveals he now has insight.

 

[Kalahou]

I believe that if my son did not have the threat of prison as a boot over his head, he would have walked away from rehab several times by now, but once in awhile there are glimmers of hope.

Hear you Albie,
But any motivation at this point is good! (Threat of prison can be a good motivator.)

My son was in jail for 6 months, and realized he did not want to live there. He was fortunate to be released to an 18 month drug court program. Early on in the program, he was twice (that I know of) sent back to jail for 4-5 days at a time because he violated some term / condition of the program. So his prime motivation in following the program was to stay out of jail. I thought “I’ll take that as a motivator … whatever it takes!”

He still has 4-6 months to go in the program, still is not really supporting himself, although he shows improvement. ( ? Or it could just be that he's good at making it look like he's getting it together ? - I don't have glimmers of hope, just take one day at a time.) I try to stay out of it all. We are with you.