Why does the landlady call you about what your son does?
I think she calls them because she knows they are on the lease until June.
Today I have a vague sense of impending doom.
These were the kinds of feelings I would work on in my effort to detach from the emotions. Once the feelings snowball, I cannot think my way through it. I get popped into "numb". If I can get a handle on my own emotional response right at the beginning, I have a kind of a baseline to try to get back to.
It's like a controlled nuclear reaction.
I can care for myself as I go through whatever it is.
That is what I mean when I write that for me, detachment parenting is about detaching from my own emotional responses.
I need my tranquil float trip down that long river back.
Remember that movie, The African Queen? Where Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy (?) meet all kinds of unexpected challenges floating down the river and even, fall in love, but do not compromise their essential values?
That might be a good imagery for you and Jabber, Lil.
More support for not answering the phone and letting all calls go to voice mail when you need to
I think letting the machine get it teaches the kids that they can handle it without us.
That's what we are after, here. For the kids to pick themselves up, and to have confidence in their ability to do that.
Maybe you could have a rule, with yourself, to call him regarding the call he made to you, the next day.
Don't listen to the call, first.
Even if you do, no calling him back until the next day. And no letting him know you listened to the message.
You trust him to handle it, whatever it is.
Two hours later I texted we were free and his response was, "Never mind. I worked it out."
Yay! Times like that would be good times to say something like, "I knew you could do it. Just checking to be sure you are good and all is well. Proud of you for handling it on your own."
They don't need to know what it costs us to wait. All they need to know is that we believe they can handle anything that comes up, and that we are proud of them when they do.
Jabber is thinking about it. My first instinct is to say yes. His is to say no. I don't know. We probably should say no. I don't want to though...and we really could use help with the yard work.
Jabber is right, Lil. This is a lesson for your son. It has nothing to do with yard work. If you give him the money, then just give him the money.
There is no harm in it, as long as you remember you are doing it for you, not him.
Keep it nice and clean.
The yard work is a whole separate thing.
Secretly? I don't recommend it. We are getting too close to June.
After discussion, my son says he'll talk to the Job Corps office on Monday.
You need to leave it there, Lil.
Let go.
Unfortunately he said, "it's the only choice I've got" and "it's my last chance"...he also changed up to "it's a chance to start over again in a whole new place" when advised that if he goes into it like that he'll hate it and fail. His attitude leaves a lot be be desired.
His attitude does leave a lot to be desired.
But there is no one in all the world who can change that but him.
The hardest part of these talks are his, "I don't have anyone else to talk to", "I hate myself", "I just want to spend some time with you and talk to you...and be your son", "I don't have any friends", "I try to make friends but no one will talk to me". It literally breaks my heart.
Recovering Enabler pointed out to me once that my daughter was using my pain, was intentionally traumatizing me with the horrific details of how and what and why, was intentionally pushing me into that shocky place where I cannot think, to get what she wanted.
She was correct, Lil.
It is circular thinking and circular reasoning and they do it because it works.
And they hurt us to do it, because hurting us works. They must believe we are very strong.
It is very hard to stick to your guns but it is my experience that letting them feel the natural consequences of their own choices is the only way for change to have a chance.
It is a very hard thing to back away from the parenting role. It is personally hard. It is hard on our self images, it devastates our self concepts. Especially if we are generous or kind, it is so hard to turn away. It helped us to remember the ultimate goal was to strengthen the kids.
For us, for now, it seems to be having that effect.
Like COM, I will add "Hang in there, Lil.", too. None of this is easy. All of this ~ learning why to change our responses, learning how to survive when we know our children suffer and it would be so simple to help ~ all of it takes time. Especially at first, we are flying by the seat of our pants and I cannot think of a better way to describe what it feels like than that.
Flying by the seats of our pants with our hearts in our throats, maybe.
It is so important that they stop doing what they do. There is so incredibly much at stake.
Cedar
Most services charge $40. And there are more chores than just mowing. 
