Update: The waters of de Nile are calm.

[Lil]

Well, he said he'll know in a week. Has a drug and background check to pass. He did tell them about his shoplifting charge, as there is a background check, but that there is no conviction on record, which is true. Better he be truthful. So...guess we'll see.

I'll keep my fingers cross...but not hold my breath. We'll see.

 

[Jabberwockey]

What I had to come to accept is that it's his life and if he wants to live off the grid and be homeless, couch surfing, free spirit, etc.... then so be it.

If this is the life he wants then so be it. I can accept that. My issue is with things like the phone call which was basically a "Look! I've done something you want/expect! Reward me with cash!".

 

[Tanya M]

"Look! I've done something you want/expect! Reward me with cash!".

This is why boundaries are so important. I made the mistake of doing just that, rewarding (helping) him. It was a tough lesson to learn but helped me to understand that I needed to have boundaries in place.
Of course even with boundaries firmly in place it won't stop them from asking. Over time they do seam to learn and give up because they know the answer will be no.

I do hope his job interview goes well.

 

[AppleCori]

You know, sometimes when you are watching TV, suddenly there's that annoying waaaa waaaa waaaa sound and then a message that says 'this is a test. this is only a test. Now get back to your regularly scheduled programming.' Or some such.

That is your son.

This is a test.

A test to see if his actions have earned him his place back to difficult child Nirvana.

You know, that's the place that all difficult child s what to live. The place where they get to have all the perks of adulthood and none of the responsibilities. It's called 'Neverland' as in 'Never Gonna Happen'.

He will keep trying until he finally figures out it won't work. Could take years. Our difficult child still, every once in a while, makes some weird request out of the blue.

Remember, he has lots of time on his hands right now.

Think of it as a one more skirmish in the battle.

 

[AppleCori]

Now get back to your regularly scheduled life....and have a great one!

 

[BusynMember]

My son is a videogame junkie and he doesn't live with us. He makes his own buck so if he wants to buy a videogame, I usually let him (I am his payee). I don't think, like so many parents do, that videogames are the ruination of our next generation. I personally feel our grandparents probably felt the same way about television. It's new and unfamiliar to us...we didn't do it.

However, I can't remember the last time I bought a videogame for Sonic. HE works and he can buy them, but he won't get money for a videogame from us. I personally think he has enough and, for their high price ($25 is NOT the normal price), I'm not kicking in for the deal. He gets tired of them fast too and ends up trading them in.

Sonic usually gets necessities for his birthday and getting him a videogame shirt really gets him excited. I'd rather do that. It's cheaper If I get him three cool shirts, he's in heaven and he usually needs them (he is hard on clothes). He does not need our money for videogames...hmmmpth.

 

[BusynMember]

Obviously the ten pounds were from drugs, possibly speed/meth. That made my daughter a stick. Salmon Fillets for the dogs? I hope you didn't do it. My dogs are spoiled and I still get them high end dog food. Sounds like he was playing you.

If it were me, I would have just let the boil go, but I'm very low key with all of my grown kids. They have a boil, they want to check it out, they will. If not, they won't. Why does the landlady call you about what your son does? I don't hear about my grown kids unless they tell me what they do. Why is she keeping an eye on what your son does? He's 26? My 18 year old goes to immediate care when she needs to without telling me. She usually tells me after.

Maybe...and this is your choice...you are in his life too much. What he does with boils and whether or not he calls ambulances because he doesn't want to walk places is really his life, not yours. And this is of course just my opinion.

 

[Albatross]

My issue is with things like the phone call which was basically a "Look! I've done something you want/expect! Reward me with cash!".

Boy, do I agree with this.

On the other hand, I think in a lot of ways some of our difficult ones are 5-year-olds wrapped up in 20-year-old skin. And they do know that they have put us through the wringer -- and sometimes they actually DO want to share with us that for once they have done something we would LIKE.

But it does get annoying when they ask for a cookie every time...

I think it's all baby steps, but when you compare that to where he was last year, he's really made some positive growth.

 

[Childofmine]

Has there ever been a teenage boy born in the last 25 years who did not talk about being a professional video game developer?

Both of my sons went down that path for a while...it was a lot of talk.

Like I was going to be a model because I was once in a jcpenney fashion show (only because my mom had paid for me to be in their etiquette class).

 

[Jabberwockey]

Has there ever been a teenage boy born in the last 25 years who did not talk about being a professional video game developer?

Yeah, but this hadn't been just a casual summer thing. He talked about it from JR High all the way through High School. We had really hoped that this would be enough to get him away from his loser friends after he graduated but no such luck.

 

[InsaneCdn]

The kind of kids who become game developers don't wait until they finish high school to do that. They are doing it from the time they can get their hands into code - maybe age 8 or 10 or 12. You don't "start" at 18.

(trust me. I'm a code-writer from way back. if you have what it takes to be a code-writer, you get pulled in the first time you start working with code)

 

[Jabberwockey]

He was attending the classes in school and doing things on his easy child at home starting in JR High. Trust me, I'm a code-writer from way back! Just lost touch with the game because I couldn't afford college at the time and couldn't get the interviews without it. By the time I got around to going to college, the game had changed enough that I had a bit of trouble grasping the new styles. I could have done it, but working full time didn't give me enough time to devote to retraining my brain so I stuck with what I knew which was Corrections.

 

[Lil]

It's all academic now anyway. He didn't go to school. What's done is done. Maybe someday he'll realize what he's missed and go. He's still young. Lots of people don't go to college right away. He'll have to pay for it himself next time around.

I'm starting to wish I hadn't posted an optimistic thread...I have to way to virtually knock on wood.

Today I have a vague sense of impending doom. The phone rang while I was on a business call and it was him. Although I know...I shouldn't...I texted him when I was free a few minutes later and his response was, "never mind" and mine was "okie dokie" but that little exchange has me nervous. Since he asked for money Monday and posted some sad-sack stuff on Facebook yesterday, I'm back to being like Jabber and waiting for the inevitable disaster.

I need my tranquil float trip down that long river back.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil, it's so interesting that if we aren't right there in the exact moment when they reach out...that it's never mind.

Our dcs are so impulsive. It's like something flashes in their brain, they reach out for Mommy like they have always done, and then...it's gone.

My son did that a million times. He couldn't take on the slightest responsibility. Shrug. I don't know.

One time I screamed at the top of my lungs: Well if you don't know, who does?

I was so sick and tired of hearing that complete lack of responsibility every single time.

The moral to the story, for me, has been: Not being there isn't going to result in a him completely cratering. 99 percent of the time, he was acting on impulse and the impulse passed.

More support for not answering the phone and letting all calls go to voice mail when you need to. It's very likely to pass, just like the storm always passes.

 

[Lil]

Lil, it's so interesting that if we aren't right there in the exact moment when they reach out...that it's never mind.

Yes, that has happened more than once. The first time I believe it was wanting a ride somewhere. Jabber and I were working and we told him we'd come, but it would have to be in a couple hours. Two hours later I texted we were free and his response was, "Never mind. I worked it out."

He actually called last night and my stomach dropped, as it often does when I see his name on the caller ID (how terrible is that?) but he just wanted to know if it was okay to dump a pan of oil down the drain. LOL What a perfectly normal "kid" thing to call and ask.

 

[SuZir]

He actually called last night and my stomach dropped, as it often does when I see his name on the caller ID (how terrible is that?) but he just wanted to know if it was okay to dump a pan of oil down the drain. LOL What a perfectly normal "kid" thing to call and ask.

Wow, it is good that he actually considers things like that! And I have to say that I kind of love when I get calls like that. They feel so unfathomably normal and appropriate. Kind of give me hope.

 

[Lil]

Well crap. "He has to talk to us. It's important. It can't wait." Blah blah blah.

And I was in such a good mood. I have a feeling this arrangement he worked out isn't so worked out after all. I am not looking forward to the rest of what was to be a really nice day.

 

[Childofmine]

Hang in there Lil. I hope it goes okay with him. Stick to what you have learned. We're here for you.

 

[Lil]

Well, it wasn't as bad as expected. When he does that, calls and just HAS to talk to us, we immediately figure worst-case scenario; that he wants loads of money or wants to move back in.

Can't say he doesn't want money. His court costs are due in 8 days and he's still not working and "the woman" said she'd pay them but apparently they're on the outs...which is weird on just so many levels. His electric at the apartment was cut off two weeks ago, he's living there with "that nice couple" but apparently she's no longer speaking to him...is bringing home some other young man, my son is all jealous...of someone else's wife.... He says she's upset with him and hates herself and she's nuts, etc.... He's afraid he's about to be homeless again, but the immediate problem is that she's backed off on paying the court costs. They're around $30.

I'm inclined to make him come mow our yard and do some other work and pay the darn things. Jabber is thinking about it. My first instinct is to say yes. His is to say no. I don't know. We probably should say no. I don't want to though...and we really could use help with the yard work.

So anyway, that was problem #1 and the fact that he may be homeless again is #2. I'm actually pretty okay with letting that happen when he's not around. It's when he's talking to us I have a hard time. At one point I mentioned that everything I can think of he's not suited for or interested in. He asked what and I listed them; military (even National Guard) he won't even consider and Jabber says he'd probably get booted out of basic anyway, Job Corps was discussed once and he said he'd heard they were "too strict" like a prison and he wouldn't do it. He could never move to relatives, because his grandparents are the only ones who would ever take him in and they'd expect him to go to church and basically NOT be an atheist.

After a bit, he asked about Job Corps. My oldest friend's step-son went to a computer tech course thru Job Corps in Chicago after flunking out of college. They give room and board and a living stipend and even transportation to and from the program...when you complete the program they help with job placement and living expenses. They are strict, curfews, zero tolerance on drugs/alcohol, no dating fellow student, chores, etc. After discussion, my son says he'll talk to the Job Corps office on Monday.

I hope he does it. I hope he is serious and really tries. I hope he goes into it with an open mind; with the belief that this is a chance to turn his life around. Unfortunately he said, "it's the only choice I've got" and "it's my last chance"...he also changed up to "it's a chance to start over again in a whole new place" when advised that if he goes into it like that he'll hate it and fail. His attitude leaves a lot be be desired.

As always...things are iffy.

The hardest part of these talks are his, "I don't have anyone else to talk to", "I hate myself", "I just want to spend some time with you and talk to you...and be your son", "I don't have any friends", "I try to make friends but no one will talk to me". It literally breaks my heart.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil most of all of that kind of talk is code for "mommy save me." They do it because it has always worked and it is the dance we have danced.

Remember that. Don't allow yourself to forget that. Most all of us on this goes have had the same conversations. They like none of our ideas and if they half heartedly agree to pursue one of the ideas discussed somehow it never materialized and nothing rises up to take its place. It is circular thinking and circular reasoning and they do it because it works.

It is very hard to stick to your guns but it is my experience that letting them feel the natural consequences of their own choices is the only way for change to have a chance.

Hang in there.