Update...yeesh.

[Lil]

Who would have seen this coming?

Especially when HE doesn't even own a car. He just called in. Says the other driver hit the windshield and was taken by ambulance, but he and his friend and friends kids were okay. He said that his face hurt from the airbag and that his wrist started hurting after the ambulance left. His side was scraped up a bit. Apparently the car was hit in his door.

Also he apparently still has a job. He just called again, very upset that he just realized he doesn't have his wallet, which he thought he had. He's waiting for a bus to get home. If it isn't at home, then it's probably in the car, which means it's been towed. In the middle of all the ranting about ... well everything ... I got him calmed down a bit and told him one thing at a time. #1, his job. He told me he got a hold of an manager and that was okay. #2, go home and if his wallet is there great, if not, call the person who owns the car and have them find out if the wallet is in the car. #3, if it isn't, them he'll have to cancel his debit and pay card and get new ones.

So let's see. Electric, job, car wreck, missing wallet. Anything else?

 

[Roxona]

I'm truly sorry for all the stress you and Jabber are going through. When it rains, it pours!

What I am wondering is this...

You say he is insecure and would rather have someone with him even though they are useless. I can see this. My own son is the same way. He feels empowered by his friends even though they never do anything positive for him. J collects people that are worse off than himself, so he can help them...fix them. It makes him feel useful. They, in turn, want to be around him and somewhat stroke his ego, while they learn they can take advantage of him. Ego being stroked, J does something else for them. It's a vicious cycle.

Now bear with me as I play devil's advocate. I feel like the weight of the world is coming down on your son because he can't get his friends to do their part and his parents are upset because he can't (for emotional purposes) kick out his friends. Loneliness is a hard place to be. Maybe he feels like he's between a rock and a hard place. It sure seems that way. No wonder he wants to hide from the world for a day...even at the expense of losing his job? When we're emotionally drained and it seems like the world is beating us up and we can't possibly win, we might give up because we can't see past it? The trials are too overwhelming, and I think that's where your son is right now. Overwhelmed.

As hard as it might be, I think not paying his electricity bill might be the best thing. His freeloading friends have no reason to help. They have places they can go to, why should they lift a finger? If you allow it to become uncomfortable for them all (including your son) then the freeloaders will either leave or get a job and start pulling their weight. Maybe it will even help your son strengthen his backbone and convince him he needs to better his situation.

In the meantime, I would try to encourage him and send positive messages to him. Is there another solution for him? Can he live on his own without them? Can he get a second job to help this? Can he do extra work for you or a relative to earn the extra money he needs to pay the immediate bill? He will eventually get tired of the freeloaders.

I'm sorry I do not know about your story with him. From your story I can see him struggling to succeed, but I do see him trying hard. However, as others had said before me, it is so easy to fall back into our bad habits when we feel defeated.

I hope you can find some peace in this, and I hope your son is okay from his accident.

 

[New Leaf]

And the hits just keep on coming.

I don't know who he was with, but I just got a call and he was in a car accident. He's not hurt, maybe a bit banged up, said his head hurt, but an ambulance was coming.

OMG, Lil. When it rains it pours. Prayers out to your son. I am sure they will be diligent in checking for concussion, (we just learned about it in class, lots of new info).
Tis true, who would have seen this coming. Everything else kind of fades to the background.......
Take care and please let us know how he is.

(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Lil]

Well, he at least seems fine and has found his wallet.

As for the rest, well Jabber and I will talk.

In the meantime, I would try to encourage him and send positive messages to him. Is there another solution for him? Can he live on his own without them? Can he get a second job to help this? Can he do extra work for you or a relative to earn the extra money he needs to pay the immediate bill? He will eventually get tired of the freeloaders.

Have suggested both living on his own and a second, or different, job so he can afford it. At this point he sees working harder as a bad thing, like he's doing all the work now, why should he work harder? He has yet to figure out that now he spends 100% of his money to pay all the bills, but with more money coming in, while he may still pay all the bills, he'll no longer spend 100% of his money. He keeps hoping that the others will get the hint. He's wrong.

I hope that he gets tired of them. I hope he figures it out. I think he's getting there. I am, however, a little worried that the problems that come from having the electric turned off will just make it worse, not better, for him. After all, there's no more money coming in whether it's off or on...and off causes more problems.

I don't know yet. My head and heart both tell me to do it...give him the breathing room of one more month, to perhaps find a job or give the mootch the ultimatum. We'll see.

 

[PonyGirl65]

Hey Lil (and Jabber) ;-)

You've sure been through the wringer (still, now, again) ! I'm glad you're here and posting. I've found this is some of the best therapy! Just finding out we're not alone, unique, weird. There's more of us! We're not crazy!

I don't have much to add, just wanted to chime in and say I'm listening! And I'm keeping good thoughts for all of you. I would only give you one word of encouragement: Detach......

I know how hard it is! So, that's just the only word I will say to you both. Gently, very gently, and with a warm hug and a sigh of knowing it's easier said than done: Detach....

Peace!

 

[New Leaf]

Oooops, I didn't see the newest post before I replied. So he didn't get checked out. Make sure he watches for signs of concussion....
Lil, I am kinda on the fence and off on the electric bill. I see both sides, but must confess ( sorry Jabber) I am leaning towards helping the kid out. It's just that he has changed so much from the posts I read when I first found CD in September.
I am looking at my own situation and thinking I may have swung too far off the enabling pendulm to the other side of hard hearted. Built up a big old wall. Still reviewing and thinking on it.
We just do not have a simple answer. That's it, it is so hard to differentiate. What is a lesson and what is the straw that breaks the camels back and sends the kids over the edge? When do we say "I will help you" or "not my problem? " It is so hard to choose when the situation presents itself.........
Sorry, I rambling.......
I think I would pay it. But then again I went through 18 years of off and on enabling to no contact for six months, so I might just be completely out of my mind.........ugh
leafy

 

[Lil]

Well, we decided to pay the bill this month. ONLY this month. This is it. We've told him this ends the financial help. No more buying weeks worth of groceries. No bills. He has until the next bill comes to figure this out. We DO intend to say this to his friend and girlfriend. Whether we get the actual chance to do it is questionable. He's already worried about next months bill.

I'm exhausted.

Jabber is headed to his guitar lesson and will stop by our son's house after to pick up the bill so I can pay it tomorrow.

 

[Copabanana]

Well, we decided to pay the bill this month

Lil, I think I would have done the same. He is trying so hard.

Except it is like that Einstein quote, paraphrased. "You cannot solve a problem with the same mindset with which it was created."

That is what changes a person. He has to grow in maturity, as he grows in experience, to solve the problems he faces. He will.

Any news about the job?

I really find myself resenting the two mooches who weigh him down. He can sure do better than this girl, who, I feel, has served her purpose.

I hope your son soon realizes there are more roommates and many, many girls.

I admire your son.

COPA

 

[Lil]

Any news about the job?

As far as I know, he called today, explained about the car wreck, don't know what he said about yesterday, but he goes to work tomorrow. We shall see.

As for the mooches...yeah. He actually had a good plan, you know. The three of them rent a place, each pay 1/3 of the rent and electric, and on three, part-time jobs, they have plenty of money for all the bills and more, plus they're only part-time so they have lots of time to just be lazy. Okay...sure...planning to be lazy isn't exactly admirable, but it was a workable plan. Except only he was doing his part.

I hope that this is for the best and that they get a grip...or he gets a second job...preferably both.

 

[Copabanana]

Lil, I think I do not like those people. I want him to do better then them. I know you do too.

He is doing really well, I think. Nothing happens without a backslide now and then. (When I was about 22 I no-showed at a job. I lied and told the owner I was hospitalized when I was in bed with a boyfriend. The boss called the hospital. I did it again, too. I did not show for the first day of another job because I had a bad hair day.) I am very embarrassed to confess these things. I turned out OK.

COPA

 

[A dad]

My first job was as security guard with 24 hours non stop working and 48 not working and one of those 2 days I spent sleeping while the pay was terrible the consumption of resources was also terrible I had half the electricity bill and gaz and well every other utility then others that lived alone. It seems that working one day and sleeping most of the next one does not consume a lot.
I really lived well under my means and I was dirt poor statistically there are ways you can live with one paycheck even one that pays little but not if you people that use the energy, the food and other things you pay for almost non stop.

 

[Jabberwockey]

there are ways you can live with one paycheck even one that pays little but not if you people that use the energy, the food and other things you pay for almost non stop.

This is true. Problem is that it isn't just the roommates being wasteful. Our son sleeps with the tv on and doesn't set the timer. He did this at our house with Netflix on all night (realistically, all day), the ceiling fan blowing full tilt, and rarely turned off the fan and light before he left. Even if his habits have become better, I doubt seriously that the other two are terribly concerned with energy conservation. Even if they are being somewhat conscious of this, with three people running around probably at three different times of day, it makes for a high energy bill.

 

[JMom]

Lil, this seems like a setback in your view, but give him time to figure it out. Either way, he is still going to have natural consequences no matter how much you want to intervene. My son is 21 and been addicted since 14. He recently was homeless from December 22, 2015 to last weekend.

His drug use went to the worst, meth and heroine. After 3 months on the streets he's clean. On his own, no help from me. All natural consequences.

It's hard to watch them blow it, but they have to restart their minds and thinking at the age they started using. He's asleep next to me on my couch.

He's been here 3 days and catching up on sleep. His body is on need of repair, horrible feet, acne and in much need of several showers, but he's sober and looking for work later today.

Oh lil, it's so very hard to watch the fall, but sometimes it's the fall that puts them back up. Duck your head until it's over. Be kind to yourself, you're going to need it.

All my love, Jmom

 

[pasajes4]

He has come a really long way. I think that he will eventually get sick of the free loaders and kick them out, He may take longer than you would like to get there.

 

[JMom]

^^one more thing, maybe your son can tell the roommates that you're willing g to pay the bill if they do, x, y, z but has to be manual labor for example mowing the yard for an elderly person or volunteering somewhere. Push for them to do their part.

It may just motivate them to help your son. If they say no then it will show your son that they are not only taking advantage of you, but him.

I think it's a fair exchange. If you're going to help raise them, treat them like your own. I've paid my son's friends when they need money. Got some weeds pulled, dog poo cleaned up for neighbors, ect...

 

[Lil]

I think it's a fair exchange. If you're going to help raise them, treat them like your own.

Good Heaven's I'm not raising anyone! I don't even KNOW his friend, have met him 3-4 times, but he's nearly THIRTY! And I don't like him. At his age he has NO more excuses other than being a user and a loser. He came up here before and didn't help out. Granted, it was winter and they were in a miserable, cockroach infested, one-room efficiency, with other bums...but still! I had a bad feeling about him coming from the beginning.

No, our son has been told, our help is done...and perhaps if his friend knows that my son can no longer count on us for help, he'll finally get to work. The girlfriend too. She's worked maybe a month and she's been here since Thanksgiving. There's no excuse for it. I told her, I know being dependent on the bus limits you, but there is work! There is work walking distance - an easy walk - from their apartment. Hell, I walked farther than that today from my parking spot!!!

If we get a chance, we'll tell them ourselves. Our son said, "Mom, that'll just make it worse." HOW? How can it be worse to have us say, "No more help" to his friends?

Eh...whatever. This is the only bill. We've bought the last of any substantial amounts of groceries. The friend gets food stamps and they can do the food pantries.

He has come a really long way. I think that he will eventually get sick of the free loaders and kick them out, He may take longer than you would like to get there.

I do agree. Not as far as we'd like and not as fast, but he has made progress. Heck, when we put him out - 18 months ago! - he wouldn't think of working at all. He pawned things and begged from us and mooched off anyone he could. That he's held his current job since November is something of a miracle really. This is the first time he's asked for help on a bill, although he's begged groceries a few times and a few dollars for work lunches...but not bills. Of course, the result is that he has an electric bill that's at disconnect.

Still...he is better than he was. We have to admit that. That was the main reason we agreed to pay...to give him time to get done with these guys. If it were disconnected now, they'd likely just leave and then he would just be "abandoned" rather than standing up for himself. Basically, we're giving him time to take control himself.

Praying it works.

 

[PonyGirl65]

Just wanted to chime in and say I know right exactly where you are at, as far as paying the bill I always felt like I needed to 'reward' 'changed behavior'....anything that I saw as 'progress', I needed to do the next thing to help him out. In my mind, I always thought it was 'encouragement' .... not 'enabling'. And I still feel that way today.

One thing, maybe, to keep in mind as the month goes on, is try to think of the words you will say as the next electric bill gets closer. "I know you'll figure a way to pay this on your own", "I'm sure you'll handle it," are some suggestions. Or maybe even "Well at least it's warmer outside now" or "Isn't it nice that it stays light later in the day".... ;-) I would try my best to avoid statements like "I told you so" or "if you didn't have free-loaders" or anything of that nature.

I think it could be helpful, in this 'middle' time, for you to be thinking of worst-case scenario, and how you will respond to that.

 

[Lil]

Well, it's done. With the banking information most definitely NOT kept by the system, nor given while my son was on the conference call. They now have a payment plan and must pay the current bill plus a very small payment of $17.00 each month, otherwise it all becomes due. There's actually not that much past due after my payment - $195.00 left. They offered budget billing, but it being spring now, if they keep the heat and air off and watch the electric, the bill should be quite small. The budget billing was the same as the other bills have been anyway...no reason for it really.

They also have until about the 20th of each month, so they have time to collect the money before it's due again. My son promptly started counting his paydays - and I said, "More importantly, there's time for the OTHER people in your house to get a job!" He was all, "I know, I know!" I told him to tell the others what we said last night...he said he had. Finally I said, "Fine, I'm done lecturing. I'm being a mom. I don't like seeing my son being taken advantage of and that's how this looks to me, but it's your life. Good luck at work tonight."

He has time again...hopefully this time it takes. Not holding my breath, but we'll see.

You know, I've decided that the progress he's made has made this harder. It lets me start thinking he's become an easy child...I lose my caution where he's concerned.

During one of my melt-downs last night (yeah...there've been a few) I said to Jabber, "It kills me that we have to be this way because it's HIM. If he were anyone else...if he wasn't the person he's been, we'd just help. Other people have their kid move in with them and save his money until he's on his feet. Other people can give their kids cars and buy their kids food and not have to worry that they'll just expect more and take advantage. It's not fair."

When he's been "easy" for a while, I forget that we don't get the luxury of other parents. It's so not fair to any of us.

 

[Jabberwockey]

There's actually not that much past due after my payment - $195.00 left.

??? What happened to $140?

 

[Lil]

What happened to $140?

That's the amount I paid...$140. The bill was $335, leaving them with $195 to pay off over the next 12 months. Sorry if I wasn't clear.