We don't know what to do 22 year old son

[Quicksand]

He sent me a text last night, telling me how he got a job and he starts Monday.
I told him that was great news and I'm glad for him.
He then said that we robbed him of an opportunity to succeed and we were bad parents and that I'm a narccist and I made him a narccist too. He said he didn't steal his sisters pills and doesn't understand why we would disown him because of that. He said he's bisexual and that he has always been and we ridiculed him because of that. He feels he chooses to live differently than other people and a drug binge at 23 years old isn't a big deal.
He said we never got to know him and are judgemental so it was never an option to talk to us.

 

[Copabanana]

He then said that we robbed him of an opportunity to succeed and we were bad parents and that I'm a narccist and I made him a narccist too.

Fine. He has a job. He can now take responsibility for making himself and his life how he needs them to be. Good for him.

He is free to think whatever he wants about you. Let him. I would not let one word bother me. You did what you had to do. This changes nothing.

He said he didn't steal his sisters pills and doesn't understand why we would disown him because of that.

You did not disown him. You held him responsible. You showed faith in his capacity to be his own man. And he is doing it. It is working.

His making a fool of you and degrading himself in no way helped anybody. You are allowing him to be a person in his own right.

I will not allow myself anymore to be insulted or disrespected by my son. I restrict communication to that which is respectful, or I stop it.

He said he's bisexual and that he has always been and we ridiculed him because of that.

To my way of thinking, his sexuality is his.

Does he have anything positive to say to you, at all? Is money the only thing he will accept from you? Is "yes" the only word he wants to hear? That is how it got with my son.

I think they get furious when the money/yes train breaks down, and feel that scaring us/insulting us will scare us into getting back on track. What your son is doing is typical.

a drug binge at 23 years old isn't a big deal.

Fine. He has the right to hold this belief with his own children and in himself. As long as it is your money or your house, you decide according to your values.

He said we never got to know him and are judgemental so it was never an option to talk to us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is boring me.

He has loving and supportive parents. He had every trust and advantage. He blew it.

Of course he is looking for somebody to blame and hold responsible...because that is who he is right now.

What you are doing is giving him the responsibility to change. To become somebody of integrity, of responsibility. Somebody ethical and productive. A good man.

You are trusting he has it in him to do this. That is your gift to him.

Your job is to ignore all of this garbage and stay centered on what you know. You know right from wrong. Ignore him. Look for ways to minimize the opportunities he has to insult you and to deflect responsibility from himself.

Good job. This is hard but it is worth it. Keep posting.

 

[Quicksand]

You are an amazing person. Your perspective is very helpful.
A few months back, I told him that I believed that my mother is a narccist. That's another story. But- he turned that on me.
I guess we missed the clues about his sexuality and by the amount of girls he's been blowing through, I wouldn't have guessed. Both he and my daughter know that they are loved no matter what. Gay, straight, bi whatever. I did say, in the past, that I thought bisexuality was a fad. That was my opinion and I never said they were less than or anything like that.

 

[Natsom]

Copa, this truly made me laugh out loud. Our Difficult Child's all seem to read from the same script.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is boring me.

I need to get to this place soon. I have no doubt that when my son in released from jail he will try to snare me in his trap again. He doesn't realize yet that I have changed. I am almost fully armed to slay the beast within me.

Hang in there Quicksand!! You're a great Mom! Stay strong!

 

[Copabanana]

I did say, in the past, that I thought bisexuality was a fad.

Me too. Let's zip our lips.

It seems that everything we say...in my case I cannot even say um....without my son exploding and hanging up on me.

I echo Nat. You are a marvelous mother. Your son is spinning in circles. He will soon tire. Let him deal with it.

 

[toughlovin]

Ithinkwhen kids are in a tough place they look for a way to blame their parents, especially when they are doing the wrong things and want to justify themselves. And certainly when they want to gain sympathy or manipulate in some way. So stay strong, don't take the baloney he says personally or to heart because what he is saying says a lot more about him than you. We have heard some of that baloney from our son...but now that he seems truly serious about recovery we are not getting that and he tells us he loves us on every phone call....

 

[BusynMember]

This is about the bisexuality thing only,

It is probably wise not to say it's a fad, That dates us and also is probably not true, It also invalidates our adult children who struggle with this difficult issue, I could not force myself to be with a woman, fad or not, I don't think most people can, We are what we are, Even if we don't believe that in our hearts, I still think it is best not to say it to them, It does sound invalidating, Now it could be he is using that to push your buttons because he kn knows you disapprove, They do that to us,

It is always the safest just to accept and, if saddened or disappointed by something, keep it to oneself, There are many things my mother said to me in her day that I wish she would have kept to herself, even if s he truly believed them, I am learning, late in life, that it is not always necessary to say our point of view to our loved ones,

Trust me, I know your son is acting horribly to you and this is more general post, I hear a lot of people in their 50's and 60's saying these things and I just personally don't feel it is a good idea to voice t hem to our kids, Reminds me of when Grandma used to say, "Blacks and whites just shouldn't mix, If God wanted them to, he wouldn't have made different races," To our young people, this is our generations version of racism,

Just my opinion, of course, Can't be proven,

Anyhow, back on topic again,,,and sorry for the interruption,

 

[Quicksand]

Yeah. I voiced my opinion and I've learned that I need to keep that to myself. I will never love my kids any less based on who they're attracted to.

 

[Quicksand]

Today is one of those days. I feel responsible for his behavior. I go back over the years thinking if I did this or that differently he'd be better off. Is he hungry, without somewhere to sleep, did we rob him of the opportunity to go to school etc.
He sent me a text blaming us for everything. I can't shake the guilt and worry. My husband gets mad any time I wonder out loud- how did we let this happen? I have two minds- one says you tried to give him every opportunity and one that says he chose this way for years. I'm running in circles and its eating me up. I can't sleep without pills and I wake up with grief. He's hurting, I'm hurting, and I don't know where to turn.

 

[Copabanana]

He sent me a text blaming us for everything

I feel responsible for his behavior.

if I did this or that differently he'd be better off.

did we rob him of the opportunity to go to school

you tried to give him every opportunity

What part of the responsibility for his life is your son's, given that

he chose this way for years

?

We have one life to live, our own. We cannot live our children's lives for them. We were the best parents we knew how to be. At some point, the children must take over.

The way of seeing things for most people on this site is that we give the responsibility to our children and by doing this we give them the dignity and respect of being adults, and the potential to learn from their successes and failures.

Your son may have been trained by your prior choices to hold you responsible for everything...because you took responsibility.

Now you are changing. Of course he is going to try to accuse you and try to hold you responsible for all. You have a choice to accept responsibility or not.

This is a learning process for you, too. I wish it was easier, but you have an opportunity now to change, too, as does your son.

You are not being selfish or withholding. You are recognizing the potential and strength of your adult child, and giving him that gift.

I encourage you to start thinking of yourself, your own welfare. Because this will help him. By putting a natural and correct balance in the relationship between two adults.

Keep posting. Why not think of starting another thread, specifically addressing your current feelings?

You are doing fantastic.

 

[Childofmine]

Today is one of those days.

Quicksand...there are "those days" and like you said, "today is one of them."

Even as we start to inject new thinking into our lives, it's still hard, and we will wobble back and forth between new thinking and old thinking.

That is so perfectly normal, and I remember so vividly doing that a lot, at the very beginning.

We are so afraid. I did a lot of reading about Fear, because being led by sheer terror for my son's life was how I was acting and reacting.

What do we do with this circular thinking and the sheer terror, sadness, guilt and...face it...it's grief...that we are feeling?

We move through it. We feel it. We allow ourselves the space and time to feel it, and talk about it, and write about it, and walk it off, and sleep it off and we let it flow through us. It won't kill us. I used to clench my stomach against the feelings and fight them off and deny them.

We have to feel them.

And learn not to act on them.

That is so hard and it is totally new behavior for most of us.

You already know the facts in your rational mind. So, I won't repeat them here. Today you are simply having a bad day with all of this.

Feel it. Share with us and with caring friends. Write it in a journal. Dump it all out. Cry if you need to. Rest. Pray. Meditate.

Sunday in an Al-Anon meeting, a longtime member talked about how she handles obsessive, circular thinking with meditation. She said it really works.

I was intrigued by that, as I am interested in meditation but admittedly not practicing it. Maybe I will. Maybe you will, too.

Warm hugs today. Hang in there. We're here with you and we understand because we have been there, too. There is a brighter day ahead.

 

[Seeking Peace]

I fully understand what you mean. My daughter has always blamed me for her situation. Seeing where she is now, I do question myself more so than not on what we've done, or not done. But what if and what is always is very different.

I KNOW we weren't perfect parents, but I also know we did everything in our ability to try to change her course. I also know we've tried multiple times to help her. This is the first time I simply stopped. I know how I would respond if I were in her situation. I know how a lot of people would. I know she needs help. And I fully recognize NOW that I cannot do this for her. As hard as it is, as guilty as you feel, our children also have to own their part. Blaming the parent, is merely making excuses for their current position. Always easier to blame others versus admitting your own faults.

Eventually EVERYONE has to take ownership for their choices. Every choice has a consequence. We ALL reap what we sow.

Sometimes it helps me to run through what we've done to simply remind myself and help lessen the guilt.

My hubby gets tired of hearing it too. You can always post here! I'll listen and I get it!!

 

[Tanya M]

Today is one of those days. I feel responsible for his behavior. I go back over the years thinking if I did this or that differently he'd be better off. Is he hungry, without somewhere to sleep, did we rob him of the opportunity to go to school etc.

We as their parents do not have this kind of power over our children's lives. My son over the years has told me similar things. I have come to understand that it's his way of recognizing the mess he's made of his own life but is not humble enough or willing to accept his role in it.
Quick, none of us are perfect parents. A perfect parent is a mythical creature right up there with Unicorns. We have all made mistakes as parents and our DCs like to use that against us but here's the thing, they are now adults, they can wake up each day with it being a new day. They can decide for themselves how they want to live so the fact they keep choosing to live is chaos is on them not us.

I can't shake the guilt and worry. My husband gets mad any time I wonder out loud- how did we let this happen?

It takes time. Just keep reminding yourself that you did the best you could. Of course we all could have done things differently but that is no guarantee that anything would have turned out any different. You didn't make this happen, you have no control over your son or his choices. You have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing, nada, zip..........

I have two minds- one says you tried to give him every opportunity and one that says he chose this way for years. I'm running in circles and its eating me up. I can't sleep without pills and I wake up with grief. He's hurting, I'm hurting, and I don't know where to turn.

It sounds like you have a meeting of the minds. Yes, you did do everything you could for him and afforded him every opportunity and yet he has made the choice to not take advantage of what was offered to him. Not much different that my own son.
Yes, your son is hurting but rather than see that he has created his own chaos he chooses to blame you. It's always easier to blame mom and dad than it is to take responsibility for the choices that have led him to where he is now.

Remember Quick, this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. If you didn't love and care about your son you would not be here on this site.

Hang in there. Keep posting, we are here for you.

((HUGS))

 

[Quicksand]

Again, thanks to all of you. You're helping me a great deal!

 

[TerryJ2]

Quicksand, I love the name you chose. Appropos.
I don't think you can know if your son is a sociopath while he's using. Everyone is a sociopath while they're using. It's the drugs talking.
Scares the &#@^ out of me.
You seem to be doing all the right things, and there are some very experienced parents here.
Wish I could offer more. Just sending strength and clarity.

 

[TerryJ2]

Quicksand, that text he sent, blaming you for everything, including loss of success, and being a narcissist, could have been written by my son.
And then a day later, he'll be fine again.
I hate this rollercoaster!
I hear you.

 

[AppleCori]

QS--

I only wish we were so powerful--to force our kids to succeed.

Your son is just trying to guilt you into giving him what he wants--not what he needs.

What he needs to do is man-up, get off drugs, and take responsibility for his choices.

What he wants is to be able to do whatever he wants and suffer no consequences and be supported by you while doing so.

You are great parents. It is so much easier to give in. Hang tough.