We just kicked him out.

[Lil]

Kathy, I have a friend who did the exact same thing because of her adopted daughter. When we were having problems last year, we told them and they told us that. We told ourselves, and our son, we would never live that way. We would not lock things up in our own home. We told him we would call the police if anything else went missing.

Obviously, we didn't. Partly because there is no way to prove cash. Partly because I just couldn't face it. After he left, we looked at the other things of value, especially my husbands hunting rifles. I was terrified they'd be gone, because we would have called the police if they had been, but all were there.

All in all, he got off lucky being kicked out. We could have reported it. It's a lot of money. I'm glad we didn't though.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

I'm so sorry Lil. My difficult child has stolen from me, my daughter, and my mom. Taken some pretty expensive things. My daughter is still finding things missing- two months after he was put out of her house.

It's so hard, to put them out there in the world. They are adults. He knew everytime he took money from that jar that it was wrong. He knew. He still chose to do it.

It doesn't feel like it, but you did the right thing.

((((hugs)))))

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, you were not rude. You were honest. I respect that. But...

I knew your kid was doing drugs as soon as you posted about him. I know the symptoms too well. Wish I didn't.

And denial was my middle name. I had to catch her in the act to believe my daughter was doing anything more than smoking pot. But kids don't have to steal to get pot. He has probably been at it a while...like my daughter was and I didn't want to hear it; I didn't want to know; I refused to know. So I do understand how you feel.

I wish you well...I hope you don't back down. (((Hugs)))!!!

 

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry, Lil.

For what it's worth, I think you handled it perfectly and I think you should stay strong.

In my opinion, your son is still young and has a good chance of changing course now if he sees where his difficult child ways lead. So let him feel guilty and scared. That seems like an appropriate response to stealing your money and lying about it.

If he's going to the friend you see as a troublemaker, maybe he needs to play that relationship out to see where that leads too. Your son is an adult; you can't pick his friends for him.

Also just my opinion, but since he stole before, for you to take him back in this time will cause you to lose way too much credibility.

 

[Lil]

Also just my opinion, but since he stole before, for you to take him back in this time will cause you to lose way too much credibility.

I know that. Of course, it only happened today, but right now there's no plan to let him come back any time soon. When he left, I reminded him that in November he needs to get a hold of his student loan people. His dad reminded him that his phone contract runs out next June, and that he'll need to plan. He also said that it would be years before we would consider trusting him again.

So I think we made it pretty clear it was not short-term.

I keep thinking of him saying he was going to continue to do well, he was going to get a job, he was going to pay us back.

And now I'm crying again.

 

[Albatross]

Yes, I think you made it clear too, Lil. I didn't mean to sound like I was criticizing at all; I think you did great.

He can still do well, get a job, pay you back, and earn your trust again. It's just harder for him now. But he can do all of those things.

 

[Lil]

Well, it was a rough evening. I was so tired. All remodeling just went undone while my husband and I sat and stared numbly at the TV and ate fast food because I had no energy to get off my butt and cook and neither did he. We just neither one cared. Of course at 9, totally exhausted, we go to bed...and I just lost it. The sobbing I'd managed to not do all day took over and I cried hysterically for about 1/2 hour. Bless my husband, he took my snotting all over him very well.

So we got back up, sat on the patio, smoked too much, had a long talk. Finally went back to bed about 11:30 fully expecting to not sleep. But, I guess that falling apart was what I needed because I actually slept pretty well all things considered. We got up and went to church today.

I only had to leave the service once to keep from making a scene when I started to cry.


But today really is better. I keep telling myself over and over how darn much money he took. I keep reminding myself that when we had him walk into our bedroom, where the jug and the change and a few ones were laying on the bed, he looked at them and said, "Yeah? What's all this?" as though he had no idea. How I had to threaten to call the police before he admitted it. How even then he lied about when it was taken and swore up and down he hadn't taken well over $600.00 from us. Even when I pointed out the chart attached to the jug, which clearly listed the date and amount, and informed him we'd counted it Sept. 10th, because we'd missed three weeks and we wanted to see exactly how much we were behind. Even then he refused to admit it had been that recently. As though it matters when he stole it.

I find myself wondering if he lies so much he actually convinces himself.

So at the moment, I'm trying to get past denial and bargaining and on to anger on the stages of grief. I'm trying to remember that he did this. He knew, he'd been told, that we would not live with a thief. He chose to do something I in my wildest dreams would not have done to my parents. He chose.

But I still find myself wondering where he is and whether his teeth are going to fall out since he didn't take his toothbrush.

I think I'll go find something to keep myself busy.

 

[pasajes4]

Yes, they lie to themselves. They lie to everyone. They lie even when they do not have to lie. A board member said she knew her difficult child was lying if her lips were moving.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Lil, my heart goes out to you. Facing the truth of who our children are and what they are capable of doing is often a devastating experience for us parents. As difficult and sad and awful as it is, it is the beginning of accepting what is, it is the beginning of us realizing what the reality is and of us making that leap onto a new plateau, one where we understand the difference between what we hope to be true and what is really the truth and remarkably, that sets us free of the reign of insanity.

I'm glad you have your husband and church and your own recognition that "he did this."

Wishing you a day of peace.

 

[BusynMember]

Lying to make us think we are wrong or crazy is called gaslighting.

 

[rc606]

Lil, I don't know your or the full situation, but my heart goes out to you and your husband. We all know that out difficult child's lie to us about what they do when we're not with them, and their whereabouts. However, choosing to steal hard earned cash from the people that love him more than anyone in the world, well, it's a serious betrayal. While very hard, your decision was the right thing for him and you....we can only pray that they learn from these hard lessons.



Prayers for sure...

 

[Lil]

rc606 - I've read your posts. I'm so very appreciative of your prayers, and am praying for you. I wish I'd taken more action when I realized my son was smoking synthetic pot. He left for a week, came home, went to counseling. He was 17. After he got out of school we had a blow up when we realized he'd stolen something. He left again for a week, came home, went to counseling...and lied all summer while going to counseling and continuing to steal from us last year, taking things and pawning them. We didn't notice anything missing until 10 days from college. We went ahead and allowed him to go to college (we'd already obligated ourselves on his lease and hoped it would be good for him since the money was spent). He blew off an entire year, failing every class...not going at all. When he came home last June we warned him, anything stolen and he was out.

Maybe if we'd been more proactive when he was still under 18. We really thought we could get through to him ourselves.

 

[rc606]

Hindsight is always 20/20, and we can't beat ourselves up for that. Just concentrate on doing the right thing for difficult child now. Thanks for the prayers, we sure need them, and I remain hopeful. Hope and love keep us going ;-)

 

[Albatross]

Lil, I know we all wonder what would have been if we'd done this or that. For what it's worth, when I found out my son was using synthetic pot I had him in that very day to see both the doctor for an antidepressant (believing he was self-medicating) and the counselor. It was treated as a very serious deal. It didn't stop him. I was guilt-wracked for not doing more.

His former girlfriend was into synthetic pot and her parents put her in boot camp, withdrew her from public school and put her in a super-religious school and monitored her every move. It didn't stop her. In conversation about our difficult children, they mentioned how guilt-wracked they were for doing TOO MUCH.

I guess none of us are perfect parents, but I believe all of us are loving parents who did the best we could at the time and taught them right from wrong.

 

[2much2recover]

Lil, I went and read your story and as much as you are hurting I think you have done the best thing for both you and your husband AND your son. I picked out a quote from one of your earlier postings:

We don't have much of value...but what we have will not be locked up. (Well, we did hide the church's video camera we brought home to edit a recording on.) I refuse to be a prisoner in my own home. If he steals from us again, he will go to jail. He's been told those are the consequences and if he makes that choice then he does. As much as it will kill us to do it we will NOT be stolen from again.

I can't tell you how many times you posted you would have him arrested but instead of going the hard route you kicked him out. That is more than "FAIR". I can understand not wanting to have your own son arrested but I also understand that it has finally become too much with all the stealing. And the lying.

Nothing smashes to smithereens our emotions than to have except that our difficult child "is what he is". From reading your posts I see that you and your husband have put up with quite a lot and difficult child has crossed every boundary you have put down for him. I don't really know what else the two of you could have done to help him - seems he really doesn't want help right now, and if you were to let him back in the house things are just going to return to the stealing and lying.

It is up to difficult child to realize the two of you mean business. No matter how much your heart hurts for him right now I think the two of you should be planning for whatever you think is best for the two of you in the future.

Maybe, sometime in the future you can all reconcile but I really think that this latest kick in the rear was necessary for both of you and your difficult child. Boundaries without consequences is how most of us get trapped in the never ending merry-go-round with our difficult children.

Also as much as you are hurting right now, don't count your difficult child out just yet. I am sure he has tons of cards up his sleeves to pull on your heart-strings. In the mean time prepare yourselves in how you will deal with him in the future.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Unfortunately, calling the police wasnt really an option. First off, I dont think Lil could have handled it. Secondly, since it was cash he took over a period of at least several weeks I seriously doubt that they could have done anything. He wont be allowed in the house any time soon and if/when he does return there will be some SERIOUS non-negotiable rules.

I will NOT become a prisoner in my own home, having to put locks on our bedroom door and keeping a constant inventory of those things we cant lock up. We have a friend who went through that with an adopted child. Actually installed locks on their bedroom door and lived in fear of the tirades. I work in a prison but I'll be damned if I'm going to live in one as well.

We havent really considered conditions for him coming back yet as we both agree it wont be allowed to happen for a while. I have considered several things that I wont post here as I havent mentioned them to my wife yet but I will say that, at this point, I have no intention of allowing him back for at least several months. All actions have consequences both good and bad and its time he learned that. Since he refuses to learn it at home, I guess he will have to do so on the streets. Sorry if this post upsets you Honey but I'm in a bit of a mood this morning.

 

[Lil]

Sorry if this post upsets you Honey but I'm in a bit of a mood this morning.

LOL - How did have enough time this morning to get on-line?

My wonderful husband, Jabberwockey, is right - we can't live that way. I wish I could think of an alternative. The thought of "months" hurts. Big time. It will be winter soon. It will be Thanksgiving and Christmas soon. I thought last Christmas would be the worse I'd ever have - when our son told me as late as 10:00 Christmas eve that there would be a surprise under the tree for us. It was apparently AIR - because he did zero for Christmas. But this one will likely be worse.

I remember someone here letting their child come home, but not giving them a key. In other words, they were only allowed in the house when the parents were. That's a thought. We really haven't even discussed it and I hope we don't have to make a decision for a while. I think it was important that it was ME that told him to pack and leave. It was Dad who told him we still loved him. I've always been the softy. It needed to come from me.

Told Jabber I laid awake last night til way after midnight, thinking of stripping son's room and redecorating. It literally looks like it did when he was 7 (if you ignore the metal band poster on the wall) and I've wanted to redo it since he was about 13. He would never let me. He didn't see the point of getting rid of the spaceman wallpaper border. Well the point has become, it's not his room anymore!

If he comes back, I don't want him to be too comfortable.

 

[2much2recover]

OOH I really like turning his room into something you and your husband could enjoy.
One thing I want to mention that I tried: paying for therapy. Well that was a dumb move. First of all she was old enough to get it herself and get it at a reduced rate. We paid for session after session because difficult child wouldn't even show up for appointments : (
The other thing I wanted to mention, when reading your past posts I read your thoughts about difficult children natural father. I think you really do have to be really awake to the fact that genetics are playing a big role here. With genetics it seems, that no matter how many times you try, the genetics are going to shine through.
You two are both professionals and unfortunately you are "stuck" with a difficult child - but because of your careers, if you hold tight to what you know, you have much to gain for yourselves. Yes, excluding him from your life makes perfect sense because in the recent past he has proved himself to be both a thief and a liar. Hold on to that TRUTH!
It sucks to be in this position for no fault of your own, but that is what this situation is!
Just a thought about the holidays, me and my husband make "other" plans that make the 2 of us happy. Also I came to terms with the fact that I would rather be just the 2 of us than have a table surrounded by dysfunctional people, just so I felt some sort of semblance of a "holiday family gathering".

 

[Lil]

OOH I really like turning his room into something you and your husband could enjoy.

One thing I want to mention that I tried: paying for therapy. Well that was a dumb move. First of all she was old enough to get it herself and get it at a reduced rate. We paid for session after session because difficult child wouldn't even show up for appointments

Just a thought about the holidays, me and my husband make "other" plans that make the 2 of us happy. Also I came to terms with the fact that I would rather be just the 2 of us than have a table surrounded by dysfunctional people, just so I felt some sort of semblance of a "holiday family gathering".

Well, we were actually thinking of a guest room...which sadly would mean there's still a bed. But we've never had one and we just replaced our queen bed with a king and need to keep the queen for staging purposes when we sell our house. It would be much easier to store his twin and put the queen in there.

When it comes to therapy, he has three free appts remaining on our EAP and after that I'm pretty sure we've met our deductible and his insurance is good to the end of the year. If he'll go to January, I'll pay for that. It's his choice.

I would LOVE to go away for the holidays. I don't think Jabber will go for it...Christmas with his family is a big deal every year. I have no family except a brother I never see. I like the idea of going somewhere festive.

Hey honey! How about that cool castle in Ireland? LOL

Oh right...we're broke.

 

[BusynMember]

This is strictly for 2much.

YES!!!! I love holidays with just my husband and I and my two easy child kids, Jumper and Sonic. Can we say peace? No nasty comments? Nobody to impress? I can cook hamburger helper if I want...lol. I also like having my daughter Julie with me. The down side is I'm not as comfortable with her SO as without him, but they are a package deal and the baby is a bonus. And guess what? THAT is what our holidays will be, and not always on the exact date either.

My difficult child in Missouri won't drive up to be with us, as he claims fear of driving...whatever...it is much more comfortable without him since his siblings don't care for him.

I'm kind of glad we don't have aunts, great-aunts, uncles, cousins, a big ole family...it seems that this is fodder for scolding, competition, and drama. I'm done with drama. So our holidays always include only people who are on the same side and know how to behave! It beats the crapola out of when I was married to my first husband and we had to spend the holidays with a bunch of his relatives who secretly competed with each other. I have heard that the family doesn't really speak to one another anymore. Oh, well. That drama is not mine anymore. They sure put on a good act though!