We just kicked him out.

[CrazyinVA]

The thing about difficult children and lying ... sometimes I think they're so good at it because they actually believe it. He may have convinced himself that he didn't take that much. It's mind boggling, really, but I've seen it with my Oldest in particular at times - she's lied so often and for so long, she believes her own lies. That belief is just another manifestation of her mental illness.

Doesn't really matter at this point obviously, but it popped into my head as I was reading this thread.

Just wanted to let you know I'm reading, and thinking of you.

 

[Jabberwockey]

MWM, there isnt any drama with my family other than the normal stuff. We all love and support each other so the family holiday thing with my family isnt stressful. I grew up in a large family. Hell, just with siblings and their SO's and children a full immediate family get together has 40 plus people.

I would LOVE to go away for the holidays. I don't think Jabber will go for it...Christmas with his family is a big deal every year. I have no family except a brother I never see. I like the idea of going somewhere festive.

Honey, Im not at all opposed to this although the Ireland thing is a bit.....ambitious! We can talk about possibilitites later.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Sorry, stared a post and then changed my mind. It wouldnt just let me delete.

 

[BusynMember]

MWM, there isnt any drama with my family other than the normal stuff. We all love and support each other so the family holiday thing with my family isnt stressful. I grew up in a large family. Hell, just with siblings and their SO's and children a full immediate family get together has 40 plus people.


Honey, Im not at all opposed to this although the Ireland thing is a bit.....ambitious! We can talk about possibilitites later.

Jabby, maybe that's why you're such an awesome person. Lil, truly you are so lucky to have such a caring husband. And, Jab, I'm sure you feel the same way about her

 

[Lil]

Jabby, maybe that's why you're such an awesome person. Lil, truly you are so lucky to have such a caring husband.

This is absolutely true.

We both come from really good, honest, hardworking families. But my parents passed away in the 80's, so sadly they never got to meet my son. Grandma Lou would have smacked some sense into him. All my cousins say it worked on them. lol My in-laws really are terrific people. From the time we started dating, my son was their grandson. He was never treated any differently than their other grandkids. I'm sure this is hurting them too.

 

[Jabberwockey]

MWM, thanks for the compliment even though Im not exactly feeling it right now!

 

[BusynMember]

I know you're not feeling too good now, trust me. But you're lucky to have one another. At least neither of you is alone during this hard time. It helps, if only a little. It's so nice when a husband comes online. Doesn't happen often.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Lil, just catching up with this thread, and wanted to say I am sorry. I think you did the right thing and I am hoping and praying this is a huge wake up call for him. It's too bad we have to take drastic actions like this, but they push and push and push and leave us no choice.

difficult child has stolen from me multiple times, took my debit card and got cash out, took costume jewelry, even took a car bike rack. Who knows about cash and other things? I am sure if he could take it, he did.

My ex-husband and his wife allowed difficult child to live with him for months until they found he had stolen from the wife, her grandfather's watch and some other old family jewelry, plus his dad's sports cards. Like my ex-husband said: "We told him the only unbreakable rule is stealing from us."

So...that's what he did. His dad didn't talk to him for a year. They are now back in communication and difficult child has been working full time for 2+months and moved into an apartment last Friday. Is it perfect? Far from it.

But things are better, at least for today. You never know where your boundary will lead, hopefully to something good, but regardless, you did the right thing.

That doesn't mean it isn't hard. Hang in there! We're rooting for you all.

 

[Lil]

He is coming to get some more of his stuff. I'm at the chiropractor, quietly having a panic attack and torn between wishing I could stay gone and hoping to be there when he comes.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[pasajes4]

I hope he can't get in if no one is home. I think it would be better if husband is there and you be else where.

 

[Lil]

I hope he can't get in if no one is home. I think it would be better if husband is there and you be else where.

No, we took his house key. I'm home now. He hasn't been here yet. If he hasn't come by 6:30 I guess I'll text him and see if he's coming because we have to go to our second job.

I had texted him today and simply said, "If you want to continue to go to counseling you still have 3 free visits and then insurance will pay. See if she'll bill us the copays and we'll pay them. You left some things, shampoo, vitamins, toothbrush, etc. If you want them let me know and I'll bag them up and set them outside so you can pick them up whenever. I love you and hope you are okay." He called and said only part of the text went thru. I told him what it said and he asked if he could come by and get some more things. I told him if we were home and that we had to go clean tonight. That was the whole conversation.

It's sooner than I thought. I'd hoped I'd have some more time before I saw him again.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I was here already. She called me after work and we are now both home. There will be no getting in if we arent home. Yes he had a house key before that we took from him before kicking him out. No, Although he is highly intelligent he is also incredibly lacking in subtlety and street smarts, I dont think he has made a spare. He has used the first of the cards up his sleeve but he will be disappointed as he will be informed that this is his one and only chance to pick up things he forgot.

 

[pasajes4]

You guys are doing an awesome job.

 

[Lil]

It sure doesn't feel like it.

He came, got his playstation and some games, said if he thought of anything else he'd call or text. I didn't tell him no...even though Jabber said we were going to...I said something along the line of, "You can't keep coming back every little bit. You need to get everything." He, of course, wasn't prepared to do that, pointed out that this wasn't exactly fun for him either, and realistically, he has no place to live, so yeah...probably he shouldn't take his TV and such. I suspect the video games were to sell.

My God he is manipulative. First thing he did was say he was sorry. I said we were too, but that didn't mean we were going to change our minds any time soon. He said he wanted to say it anyway "just in case..."

Just in case WHAT? Just in case he dies tonight? Just in case we never see him again? When he left he made sure to tell us he didn't know where he'd be staying tonight, "in case..." Again, in case WHAT? I told him there was a shelter on Jefferson and he knew where it was. He said he's just hanging out here and there for now. He left. I cried a little. We went to work.

How do you do this? How do you reconcile the baby you held in your arms with this man who lies and steals and manipulates you? This is just so hard. I'm fine for a while. I tell myself "He did this. He did this to himself. We did the right thing." Then I think of that little baby who would fall asleep on my chest with his sweet little cheek nestled against my breast. I would sit and hold him and stare into his eyes for hours. I thought, "This is what innocence is...this is what God intended." Now I can barely look at him.

I know every mother has to let her baby go. But if he had grown into the decent, honorable man I truly thought he would be I wouldn't have so much trouble with this. I could be proud. But I can't be proud. He's not what I thought he would be and this just hurts so bad. I want to fix him and I know that there's no way for me to do it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Lil, as Cedar has said on many an occasion, this is a devastation like no other. It goes against every fiber of our mother's being, it hurts more then we can often even tolerate.......those memories of our babies last a long, long time........if ever they go away...........how you feel is the way we all feel, it sucks. I am so sorry this has happened to you and to your husband.

You and Jabber are doing a really good job of the only option you presently have that makes any sense. And, it hurts. As COM tells us, let time do it's thing, time is your friend, it will smooth out some and you will feel a bit better as each day passes. For now, just know that you guys aren't alone, we all know exactly how you feel right now........

 

[Lil]

I know. I really do. I wrote that while in a horrible mood. It comes and goes. Thank you all. I'm just really so tired and go back and forth between being okay and being so hurt and being so scared and being so angry. I'll be glad when I finally start getting used to this or for it to just settle down. I'm tired of being on the edge of freaking out all the time.

 

[mom_to_3]

So sorry you have to feel this way. You are good parents.

 

[hopeandjoy66]

The ball is in his court now. This is his time to make some wise choices that will be steps to being that man you pictured he would be. By staying strong it gives him the opportunity to face and rise above these challenges.

 

[dstc_99]

It will take some time to come down off that ledge. I don't know how to explain it but it felt to me like my insides were being torn apart and I wouldn't survive. I did but it took time to get that pain out of my chest.

As for him coming and going to get stuff I would be tempted to pack his items up room by room and then put that in the garage. If he wan'Tourette's Syndrome something then he takes the box for the room. I did this with difficult child and it was a huge shock to her. At the time she felt it meant I hated her but now she knows that I follow through. She told me she was coming to get her stuff. I told her it would be ready. It was ready. She filled her car to the brim and took it. Granted she had a place to live. Since he doesn't I might be tempted to store it in the garage until he finds somewhere more permanent but I would give him a time limit of some sort for that too.

One other thing. I think I would make it clear when and where the pick ups would be. No waiting around all day on edge because you don't know when he will drop by. No dreading having to go ahead and leave and then deal with him angry because you didn't wait. Just say I can do it from 2-4 on Monday in the garage and let him know that he can work out the transportation or just do without.

 

[Lil]

Well, he has to text or call to come by and if we're going to be at work or something, he just can't come. He'll have to come when it's convenient to us, so there's that.

A friend of his has been Facebook messaging me since last night. First just asking if son was ok since he'd not been able to get a hold of him for quite a while. This is a friend who actually lived with us for a while, but it didn't work out...Yep...he's a difficult child. But you know I've always felt bad for this boy. His family basically abandoned him at 16...literally moving away. Anyway, he said he doesn't know why my son is ignoring him or what he's thinking. Guess what? Neither do I! He tells me my son is his only real friend. I don't have the heart to tell him my son had me change his phone number a few weeks ago, and he hadn't given it to this kid (or the one he left with for that matter) on purpose. He'd been saying that this friend and the one he left with were two people he planned on no longer being friends with and he'd been actively trying to make new friends. I find it kind of ironic that he ended up getting a ride from someone he'd refused to give a phone number to because he drove him crazy and he wanted to stop being friends...even the day he left, he FB messaged him, instead of calling him.

Really, I don't know why he's ignoring him either. This one's better than the other as far as I know...but this one doesn't have a car and as far as I know, the kid my son left with hates this one...drama.

I'm better today...again...I go maybe an hour before "You made your own son homeless" starts doing an audio loop through my head. At least it's not too cold yet. Even if he sleeps on the street I guess he won't freeze to death.