We just kicked him out.

[platinum358]

so sad that this seems so prevalent..my boyfriend recently experienced this with his 21 yr old son..he stole money from his Dad several times and acted like he was entitled to it..he has since been removed from the apartment..the heart is broken..damage has been done...I have encouraged my boyfriend to get some therapy..and we are minimizing..limiting exposure for now..

 

[Jabberwockey]

Funny you should mention rehab MWM, we were discussing just that possibility with our pastor last night. We are going to look into a few local places but it will be up to him to go. I dont see him even considering it for a while.

 

[Lil]

I'm planning on calling the shelter in a bit and learn more. But they specifically say on the website that it is a place for men, women, and families to live and work while overcoming their homelessness. They feed 3 meals a day, so they must let people be there in the daytime. Besides, what if a person gets a job but the hours are overnight? What possible good is a shelter if they can't be there in the day to sleep?

But again, I don't really know anything. I guess we'll find out.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, Lil, to be fiar they are run 100% by volunteers. Mine was in a church. The residents had to rotate churches. We gave them train passes so they could go church to church. We were a service to help homeless people sleep in a warm place. We were not a place to help them get their lives together, although we did make appointments. Nobody will do the hard work for your son nor give him 24/7 care (other than a rehab which is actually with paid professionals). He will have to do it himself with a little community help to make him more comfortable.

The place that serves three meals a day probably has more resources than we had. There are still rules to follow. I hope this place works out for your son and more importantly that he goes to it. Many times we worry about our grown kids more than they do. We want them to be warm and fed more than they care. As Child of Mine says, if we care even 1% more than they do, then it's time to look at ourselves. Our grown kids often see life way differently than we do...they have atypical ways of looking at the world and what we consider normal they often shun. Some prefer street life to ANY rules, including ours. Most of it surrounds the drugs. They do not want to give them up and they can't do them if t here are rules against being high. In our shelter, we did no testing and as long as the person did not use in our church and was not violent, the person could stay. We even let one man who lived in his car with his dog bring his dog in. The caring hearts are there. I hope this is not the case for your son.

Lots and lots of good thoughts and prayers.

 

[Lil]

Yes, this is a Salvation Army/United Way shelter. When our pastor talked to them, they specifically told him this isn't just a place for one night and the pastor said "90 days".

 

[BusynMember]

Good! I hope he takes advantage of t heir services!!!!

 

[Lil]

So I called the shelter and this is what I learned:

They are a 90 day program, but of course, people come and go, especially with the weather getting bad. They are an emergency shelter, so you could end up with different roommates every night. There's no place to securely store your stuff. Generally, clothes, etc., are fine when you go to work or whatever, but you can never tell. They give residents a chore to do and they are expected to do it daily. Failure to do it gets a write up and after 3 write ups, they may be required to leave. They will give breath tests if they think you are drunk. They will give drug tests if they think you are high. You are required to submit or leave. They won't drug test on admission...because you know, that's why a lot of people are homeless...but if you cause an incident, they'll do it. They have case workers who will evaluate a resident and try to get them set up with food stamps, medical care, counseling or whatever. They have a 10 p.m. curfew unless you have a job that requires you to be out after 10 p.m. They also require you to turn in your cell phones or other electronics at 10 p.m. They have different types of rooms, some sleep 3, some sleep 10. Right now the only rooms available sleep 10.

I think he'll believe he's in Hell, if for no other reason than he's thrown in with a bunch of total strangers and expected to go to sleep. He's an only child. He's never really had to share a room, even in the college dorm, he didn't have a roommate. This is going to totally freak him out. Maybe that's good, but it's also totally freaking me out.

 

[BusynMember]

You can't protect him forever. Many adult kids have gone to college. My daughter sleeps in a dorm with three other girls. A few snore loudly. Oh, well. We can't always be comfortable. That's life.Some men your son's age are serving our country. He is old enough to put up with some inconveniences. The world will not cater to him.

Rules are also a fact of life. I'm guessing he'll find the rules the hardest, but he may use the ten-in-a-room if he thinks you may turn soft because of that. They su re learn how to get to us and we have to be strong.

None of my kids ever shared a room. They are too far apart in age or we had enough rooms.

Hang in there, Mom. You can't control the route he chooses to take. A lot of adult kids just don't want any rules and would rather live outdoors than have a curfew or not be allowed to use their drug of choice or alcohol all night long. And, in my opinion, we have to let them make their own decisions, whether we are afraid or not. This is about them, not us. Many of them are the way they are because we held too tight and didn't really want them to grow up, except in OUR way. And difficult children don't follow our ways. They do it their way. If there is one common thread about difficult children it is that they do not act within normal society. And it doesn't bother them to be different because they have the choice of conforming and pleasing us. They don't care. Too much advice from us and we often find ourselves being put on disregard. I think it's best to let them learn through natural consequences.

Wishing you the best of luck in this strange and uncomfortable walk.

 

[Lil]

We need a "Thank You - Big Hug" rating.



I can usually maintain my cool while talking to him...in fact sometimes I feel like I'm downright mean...but I fall apart before and after.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Lil, what may help you to remember is that if he stole $700 from someone else, his room would be a jail cell. At least in a shelter he has his freedom. And, something that seems to have helped some other Mom's is to put a picture of a soldier up near the phone so when your son calls you are reminded that there are boys your sons age in another country wearing fatigues and carrying an assault rifle putting their lives in danger every single day. He is not a baby. He is an adult who made some serious mistakes and this is the consequence. You didn't do this to him. He did it to himself.

And, I know, believe me, how much YOU are suffering. Just try to remember all the facts, not just his feelings. He created all of this.

Take care of you in the middle of all of this. Make sure you are nurtured and cared for.

 

[Lil]

You know, I'm not always this whiny. lol

I actually am usually pretty good when I'm talking to him. Sure I cried some, but I did stay strong about the not coming home. When he bemoaned his fate I said, "Well you should have thought about that before you stole from us." When he was going on about how he had been doing better Jabber and I said, "Really? Because if you were better you could have said, 'I stole from you and I'm sorry and here's my $600 paycheck.' instead of taking a little vacation and spending it all." When he said he was so sorry, he was trying so hard and he would never do it again, I said, "We've heard that before and given you chance after chance." When he said he needed us, I said, "You still have US...you just don't have our house to live in."

Then after we hung up we went out to dinner.

Then I burst into tears on the way home.

 

[BusynMember]

You did great.

What do you think is going to happen if you don't hold his hand? It can't get much worse. Maybe he'll grow up.

If you don't trust that he can do things himself, he won't either. One thing I say to 36 when he presents me with a problem (which is often) is, "You're a smart man (I always say man) and I know you can figure out a solution without me." Sometimes that makes him hang up on me, but so what? At least he isn't looking at me to wipe his nose. I mean, I said that wrong. He is wanting me to wipe his nose, but I can't do that anymore. And some of his problems are difficult to solve, but this man, my son, is not a dummy. He can figure things out when he has to.

Your son can too. He figured out where to get money when he needed it and he knows how to manipulate you when he wants to. So does my son. So do most of our difficult children. They are, as a group, above average in intelligence. They are just whiners and don't like to grow up and want us to excuse all their heinous transgressions and to believe every word they say (although they have lied to us or betrayed us) and they do NOT want to work. I think a lot of that is drug related, but not always. Sometimes it is both. A very few of our difficult children use no drugs.They have personality glitches that make us need to, more than ever, stop being a mommy and turn into an adult mother to a man or woman.

Again, more wishes for luck; endless wishes for luck.

 

[Lil]

Well, we're sitting outside the shelter. They still had a bed. Just waiting to see if he comes back out since we said we'd wait to make sure they had room, but I called as he was walking in, so I know they do. We picked him up, bought him McDonald's and a pack of cigarettes. And now we are waiting. If he doesn't come in a few I guess I'll text him. Wow this is hard.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Lil]

He came out, we talked a bit. Not really anything important. He's a little worried they'll drug test him before yesterdays joint is out of his system. At least he's now somewhere he's less likely to get passed a j? He realized he has a pocket knife in his bag. Said he'll get rid of it tomorrow. We offered to take it, but I suspect he'll try to sell it. All in all, it was calm. He didn't ask us to change our minds thank God.

All in all, I feel better at this moment than I have since Saturday.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[GuideMe]

That is so good lil. he will get use to it in there and then he will appreciate what he had at home. You don't steal , from your own parents, not even the change jar.

For whatever reason, difficult child think that the change jar is up for grabs. I can't even have a change jar in my home and I get furious about it.

 

[Lil]

Aaandd.. UPDATE!

Just got a call and my son said, "Well, first night went alright!" YAY!

He said there's a mandatory meeting every Friday and after that he went to the director and told them that he'd smoked pot the day before and he knew they drug tested and he didn't want them to kick him out so he thought he should tell them that. The director told him it was good that he was honest and that he would not need to worry about that.

He told us last night that they do a breathalyzer every morning (I guess making sure no one is bringing in booze before they lock down at 10) which isn't a problem as my son doesn't really drink. He doesn't have any chores until next week.

Jabber and I were really pleased last night that he didn't fuss about this. He didn't ask us to change our mind. He seemed to be in a good place mentally about the whole thing. In fact, other that trying to guilt us a bit, he's taking the entire being kicked out much better than we expected. Do you think he might actually get it this time? He might actually understand we're serious?

He asked if he could come by tonight and get his warm coat, some soap, etc. I suggested he just tell us what he wants and we'll bring it since he doesn't have warm clothes and it's going to be in the upper 20's. It's not like we can't find his coat.

Please Lord, let this go well!

 

[Jabberwockey]

I agree, no reason for him to walk over in the cold when we can just drive his stuff there. That and I'm still afraid that, in the house, he will become...more aggressive? more insistant?...that he needs to come home. I'm cautiously optomistic right now.

 

[dstc_99]

I am glad to hear he did well his first night and that he seems to be willing to be honest with the staff. Crossing my fingers and toes that he keeps on this path and makes himself a better life.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Lil, I completely understand how you feel. My difficult child once stole $3000 from me. I had it very well hidden so I thought but he found it. I have followed Dave Ramsey's teaching for years and used the envelope system, that is why I had the cash in the house. He stole our house payment along with money for other bills that had to be paid. When I confronted him he lied but eventually fessed up. At the time he was 14. It is such a kick in the gut. My difficult child would run away from home and be gone for up to 2 weeks, it was bad enough not knowing where he was but several times I came home to a ransacked house but after the $3000 was stolen I never kept cash in the house again of course it didn't stop him from looking. You did the best thing by kicking him out. I know how much that hurts. Do try and not hold any regrets about it. Hang in there!!

 

[Lil]

Thanks Tanya. At 14 my kid was still such a easy child! I don't know where it went.

Today he contacted me briefly. I was asked to make an appointment. with his counselor. We'd said we'd go if he wanted and he wants...so. I'll be doing that soon, but I also sent him this text:

I will call to make the appointment., most likely next week. I know you want it sooner, but I also think you may be expecting to get all worked out and you'll come home. Please don't expect that. We need you to show us substantial change and even we don't know what that is right now. I don't want to upset you, but I also don't want you just screwing off instead of getting on with life, expecting to come home any day now.

I love you. This is hard on all of us.


So yeah. I hope he understands that our meeting with the counselor isn't a "he's coming home" meeting. I kinda doubt that though.