I don’t really know how to begin. I have 3 children. The oldest is 25 year old who for the past year has been living in his car ( that is in Jeopardy of being repossessed) and traveling all over the country. I have sent him money with the assurance that this time he is looking for a job. I need to detach, but I panic every time I stop sending money and cave in. However, financially I have cut down and only sending enough for food and gas. My husband wants me to stop. I want to stop too. The fear and the panic is the obstacle. I lost my baby girl (stillborn) sometime ago and the grief has subsided, but cutting my son off causes the trauma and panic to reappear. Please no judgment. I’ve tried three therapists so far and not really helping. My son knows how to push and manipulate me. He may have some mental illness but no diagnosis. I would never let someone else do what he is doing to me. I read the detachment article posted. If anyone has any advice, I’m willing to hear it. Thanks so much.
Fairy dust
Member
Welcome dear Scout. I am sorry you are walking this path. I know your heart hurts and while your mind knows what to do, your heart creates doubt. I am a Mom to a 37 year old son who began the manipulation game at age 11. in his teens he got into drugs and from there everything spiralled badly. Despite making every attempt to help him ( He used attempted suicide as a manipulation card often) nothing and I mean nothing worked. In the meantime our daughter wasn’t given the attention she so deserved, and our family fell apart. My husband and I divorced. having walked through and out of this wreckage here are some learnings for me.
Your son is an adult, not a child.
He has the right to make choices. They may not be your choices and that’s ok.
As an adult he is responsible for the consequence of his choices.
instead of giving cash I suggest a gas and food coupon. you don’t know what he’s spending the money on.
you can direct him to community resources he can go to should he choose that can help with shelter and job seeking.
You have no power over him but you have power over yourself!
You as an adult are responsible for your health and well being. To this end may I strongly suggest the following. Keep going to therapy to learn how to detach in a loving way from your son. I have been in therapy for over a decade.
Read, read, read the stories from others on this forum who have walked this path. Their words of wisdom have sustained me on many a day. Copa, New Leaf have been long term members and their stories and advice have lifted my heart many times.
KEEP reading the article on detachment. Sometimes I read it 3 times a day.
Nothing and I mean nothing will change as long as this spin cycle continues. You have the power to change your reaction.
Others will come along to offer words of support to you. Just know that as parents we have done everything we could, cried rivers of tears, spent lots of money, damaged ourselves, our health, our esteem, friendships, family all in an effort to try to avert a potential train wreck.
Choices have consequences and consequeces can create growth. Please reclaim yourself, your courage and your life. Only you can do this and you know you can! Baby steps are fine but keep making them. Hugs to you Scout.
Your son is an adult, not a child.
He has the right to make choices. They may not be your choices and that’s ok.
As an adult he is responsible for the consequence of his choices.
instead of giving cash I suggest a gas and food coupon. you don’t know what he’s spending the money on.
you can direct him to community resources he can go to should he choose that can help with shelter and job seeking.
You have no power over him but you have power over yourself!
You as an adult are responsible for your health and well being. To this end may I strongly suggest the following. Keep going to therapy to learn how to detach in a loving way from your son. I have been in therapy for over a decade.
Read, read, read the stories from others on this forum who have walked this path. Their words of wisdom have sustained me on many a day. Copa, New Leaf have been long term members and their stories and advice have lifted my heart many times.
KEEP reading the article on detachment. Sometimes I read it 3 times a day.
Nothing and I mean nothing will change as long as this spin cycle continues. You have the power to change your reaction.
Others will come along to offer words of support to you. Just know that as parents we have done everything we could, cried rivers of tears, spent lots of money, damaged ourselves, our health, our esteem, friendships, family all in an effort to try to avert a potential train wreck.
Choices have consequences and consequeces can create growth. Please reclaim yourself, your courage and your life. Only you can do this and you know you can! Baby steps are fine but keep making them. Hugs to you Scout.
Hello and welcome. You might try a group called Families Anonymous. Google for meeting locations. They also do on-line groups. Be careful not to let this situation get between you and your husband. Is he the father? Great that you have read the detachment article. Perhaps read more on the topic. You might consider what is the bare minimum you are willing to do and can afford to do and for how long and nothing more. I don't know what the right answer is. Does he provide any proof to you that he has applied to jobs? Perhaps you should consider that as a requirement. But, since this has been going on approx a year and he’s 25…it’s concerning and it sounds like you do have to give this thought. At some point, you likely need to cut back or stop. I know it is very hard. Be sure to find time for yourself and spouse and to enjoy life even with this difficulty in the back ground. It’s important.
Bettyboo44
Member
I am so sorry to hear that when you try detach from your son, that horrendous experience of losing your beautiful little daughter comes flooding back 
I think, your fear of losing your son, is too overwhelming and you try to do everything you can to prevent that from happening, but please don’t let fear rule your heart and head, as fear serves no purpose whatsoever, but to cause detriment to you both mentally and physically.
Your son is an adult and there is absolutely nothing, you can say or do that will change his behaviours. He will make whatever choices he wants to make completely irrespective of what you say and do. The only control you have is how you react to your son’s choices. You said you want to stop giving your son money, so I urge you to please do. I know it’s extremely difficult but the more you say no, and stick to the firm no, the easier it becomes to do. Who knows, you outwardly refusing to give him money, may prompt him to really try get a job. If you simply didn’t have spare cash, he’d have to find an alternative way, and finding an alternative way is what he needs to do. To solely depend on you is not healthy or beneficial to you or him. He’ll never learn to manage otherwise, if he doesn’t have to.
My 26 year old son was recently in prison for the third time in 14 months, but this time I did not answer any of his calls and didn’t put one cent into his commissary account (the previous 2 times he was in, I answered every single phone call and put money in every week). I struggled massively ignoring his calls, pangs of pure guilt and worry that he was without basic necessities and overwhelmed with guilt that he was wondering why all of a sudden his mum ‘didn’t care’. Of course I care, but I knew this cycle of chaos that was now becoming our norm wouldn’t ever stop unless I stopped it. He texted me a few days ago (I didn’t even know he was out!) apologising for hounding me whilst in prison and letting me know the eviction on his home has been postponed for 3 months and that he started a new job. I could not believe my eyes when I saw him saying sorry (a first and very unexpected), and I know all this may be short lived, but the point is nothing about his time in jail was any different from my lack of answering the phone or supplying funds, and equally when I wasn’t there to ‘fix’ everything, he found ways around it himself.
You said your son knows how to push and manipulate you, and he will continue to do so until you don’t allow it. The emotional pleas, and pulling on your heartstrings will unfortunately never stop unless you stop it. For far too long he’s been doing this to you because he knows he’ll get what he wants as a result, so for your sanity and for his best interest, don’t let this cycle carry on. Give yourself a well needed break, do what you please when you want with your money, and most importantly do it guilt free. Perhaps book a little trip away for you and your husband? Make a pact, you won’t answer your phone, if you’re really worried you can always send a message. Hopefully this can be a start to breaking that cycle of giving all your time, attention and money on your son, remembering that your son is an adult that will always make his own choices, regardless of anything you say or do. So do please let him make his choices, but grant yourself the same respect and allow you to make yours
P.s. please don’t give up trying to find a therapist that works for you, they are definitely out there.
Plus there are many wonderful groups of people that have lots of meetings in similar situations, that can bring worldly advice and comfort. These meetings can be online or in person or both. I recently started attending Al-anon which I found doing a search online and it has helped me massively. I’m confident you will find one or more that will suit you too.
Sending hugs
and am so glad you have reached out on here.
I think, your fear of losing your son, is too overwhelming and you try to do everything you can to prevent that from happening, but please don’t let fear rule your heart and head, as fear serves no purpose whatsoever, but to cause detriment to you both mentally and physically.
Your son is an adult and there is absolutely nothing, you can say or do that will change his behaviours. He will make whatever choices he wants to make completely irrespective of what you say and do. The only control you have is how you react to your son’s choices. You said you want to stop giving your son money, so I urge you to please do. I know it’s extremely difficult but the more you say no, and stick to the firm no, the easier it becomes to do. Who knows, you outwardly refusing to give him money, may prompt him to really try get a job. If you simply didn’t have spare cash, he’d have to find an alternative way, and finding an alternative way is what he needs to do. To solely depend on you is not healthy or beneficial to you or him. He’ll never learn to manage otherwise, if he doesn’t have to.
My 26 year old son was recently in prison for the third time in 14 months, but this time I did not answer any of his calls and didn’t put one cent into his commissary account (the previous 2 times he was in, I answered every single phone call and put money in every week). I struggled massively ignoring his calls, pangs of pure guilt and worry that he was without basic necessities and overwhelmed with guilt that he was wondering why all of a sudden his mum ‘didn’t care’. Of course I care, but I knew this cycle of chaos that was now becoming our norm wouldn’t ever stop unless I stopped it. He texted me a few days ago (I didn’t even know he was out!) apologising for hounding me whilst in prison and letting me know the eviction on his home has been postponed for 3 months and that he started a new job. I could not believe my eyes when I saw him saying sorry (a first and very unexpected), and I know all this may be short lived, but the point is nothing about his time in jail was any different from my lack of answering the phone or supplying funds, and equally when I wasn’t there to ‘fix’ everything, he found ways around it himself.
You said your son knows how to push and manipulate you, and he will continue to do so until you don’t allow it. The emotional pleas, and pulling on your heartstrings will unfortunately never stop unless you stop it. For far too long he’s been doing this to you because he knows he’ll get what he wants as a result, so for your sanity and for his best interest, don’t let this cycle carry on. Give yourself a well needed break, do what you please when you want with your money, and most importantly do it guilt free. Perhaps book a little trip away for you and your husband? Make a pact, you won’t answer your phone, if you’re really worried you can always send a message. Hopefully this can be a start to breaking that cycle of giving all your time, attention and money on your son, remembering that your son is an adult that will always make his own choices, regardless of anything you say or do. So do please let him make his choices, but grant yourself the same respect and allow you to make yours
P.s. please don’t give up trying to find a therapist that works for you, they are definitely out there.
Plus there are many wonderful groups of people that have lots of meetings in similar situations, that can bring worldly advice and comfort. These meetings can be online or in person or both. I recently started attending Al-anon which I found doing a search online and it has helped me massively. I’m confident you will find one or more that will suit you too.
Sending hugs
and am so glad you have reached out on here.
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Wonderful advice Fairy dust. I especially like the food and gas card although he will resist. I actually don’t know where he is. He will not tell us where he is. He is very secretive. We’ve tried to tell him to prove he used money for clothing by giving us receipts when he returned to our house recently. But he refuses. It’s like he has all the control.
This may not be the best advice, but if you are the main one he tries to manipulate, and you want to stop this cycle, tell him you are blocking him from your phone, then do it. Before this conversation though, talk to your husband and ask if he can step in and make the decisions of when and if to help. Let him be the one your son has to communicate with.
This might be easier than you bring the one to say no, and it sounds like your husband might be at the point that he is willing to put the breaks on and not be manipulated.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. But I will be the first to say I understand how hard this is to do, and you are the only one who knows what you can live with. Hugs.
Ksm
This might be easier than you bring the one to say no, and it sounds like your husband might be at the point that he is willing to put the breaks on and not be manipulated.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. But I will be the first to say I understand how hard this is to do, and you are the only one who knows what you can live with. Hugs.
Ksm
