I don’t really know how to begin. I have 3 children. The oldest is 25 year old who for the past year has been living in his car ( that is in Jeopardy of being repossessed) and traveling all over the country. I have sent him money with the assurance that this time he is looking for a job. I need to detach, but I panic every time I stop sending money and cave in. However, financially I have cut down and only sending enough for food and gas. My husband wants me to stop. I want to stop too. The fear and the panic is the obstacle. I lost my baby girl (stillborn) sometime ago and the grief has subsided, but cutting my son off causes the trauma and panic to reappear. Please no judgment. I’ve tried three therapists so far and not really helping. My son knows how to push and manipulate me. He may have some mental illness but no diagnosis. I would never let someone else do what he is doing to me. I read the detachment article posted. If anyone has any advice, I’m willing to hear it. Thanks so much.
Fairy dust
Member
Welcome dear Scout. I am sorry you are walking this path. I know your heart hurts and while your mind knows what to do, your heart creates doubt. I am a Mom to a 37 year old son who began the manipulation game at age 11. in his teens he got into drugs and from there everything spiralled badly. Despite making every attempt to help him ( He used attempted suicide as a manipulation card often) nothing and I mean nothing worked. In the meantime our daughter wasn’t given the attention she so deserved, and our family fell apart. My husband and I divorced. having walked through and out of this wreckage here are some learnings for me.
Your son is an adult, not a child.
He has the right to make choices. They may not be your choices and that’s ok.
As an adult he is responsible for the consequence of his choices.
instead of giving cash I suggest a gas and food coupon. you don’t know what he’s spending the money on.
you can direct him to community resources he can go to should he choose that can help with shelter and job seeking.
You have no power over him but you have power over yourself!
You as an adult are responsible for your health and well being. To this end may I strongly suggest the following. Keep going to therapy to learn how to detach in a loving way from your son. I have been in therapy for over a decade.
Read, read, read the stories from others on this forum who have walked this path. Their words of wisdom have sustained me on many a day. Copa, New Leaf have been long term members and their stories and advice have lifted my heart many times.
KEEP reading the article on detachment. Sometimes I read it 3 times a day.
Nothing and I mean nothing will change as long as this spin cycle continues. You have the power to change your reaction.
Others will come along to offer words of support to you. Just know that as parents we have done everything we could, cried rivers of tears, spent lots of money, damaged ourselves, our health, our esteem, friendships, family all in an effort to try to avert a potential train wreck.
Choices have consequences and consequeces can create growth. Please reclaim yourself, your courage and your life. Only you can do this and you know you can! Baby steps are fine but keep making them. Hugs to you Scout.
Your son is an adult, not a child.
He has the right to make choices. They may not be your choices and that’s ok.
As an adult he is responsible for the consequence of his choices.
instead of giving cash I suggest a gas and food coupon. you don’t know what he’s spending the money on.
you can direct him to community resources he can go to should he choose that can help with shelter and job seeking.
You have no power over him but you have power over yourself!
You as an adult are responsible for your health and well being. To this end may I strongly suggest the following. Keep going to therapy to learn how to detach in a loving way from your son. I have been in therapy for over a decade.
Read, read, read the stories from others on this forum who have walked this path. Their words of wisdom have sustained me on many a day. Copa, New Leaf have been long term members and their stories and advice have lifted my heart many times.
KEEP reading the article on detachment. Sometimes I read it 3 times a day.
Nothing and I mean nothing will change as long as this spin cycle continues. You have the power to change your reaction.
Others will come along to offer words of support to you. Just know that as parents we have done everything we could, cried rivers of tears, spent lots of money, damaged ourselves, our health, our esteem, friendships, family all in an effort to try to avert a potential train wreck.
Choices have consequences and consequeces can create growth. Please reclaim yourself, your courage and your life. Only you can do this and you know you can! Baby steps are fine but keep making them. Hugs to you Scout.
Hello and welcome. You might try a group called Families Anonymous. Google for meeting locations. They also do on-line groups. Be careful not to let this situation get between you and your husband. Is he the father? Great that you have read the detachment article. Perhaps read more on the topic. You might consider what is the bare minimum you are willing to do and can afford to do and for how long and nothing more. I don't know what the right answer is. Does he provide any proof to you that he has applied to jobs? Perhaps you should consider that as a requirement. But, since this has been going on approx a year and he’s 25…it’s concerning and it sounds like you do have to give this thought. At some point, you likely need to cut back or stop. I know it is very hard. Be sure to find time for yourself and spouse and to enjoy life even with this difficulty in the back ground. It’s important.
Bettyboo44
Member
I am so sorry to hear that when you try detach from your son, that horrendous experience of losing your beautiful little daughter comes flooding back 
I think, your fear of losing your son, is too overwhelming and you try to do everything you can to prevent that from happening, but please don’t let fear rule your heart and head, as fear serves no purpose whatsoever, but to cause detriment to you both mentally and physically.
Your son is an adult and there is absolutely nothing, you can say or do that will change his behaviours. He will make whatever choices he wants to make completely irrespective of what you say and do. The only control you have is how you react to your son’s choices. You said you want to stop giving your son money, so I urge you to please do. I know it’s extremely difficult but the more you say no, and stick to the firm no, the easier it becomes to do. Who knows, you outwardly refusing to give him money, may prompt him to really try get a job. If you simply didn’t have spare cash, he’d have to find an alternative way, and finding an alternative way is what he needs to do. To solely depend on you is not healthy or beneficial to you or him. He’ll never learn to manage otherwise, if he doesn’t have to.
My 26 year old son was recently in prison for the third time in 14 months, but this time I did not answer any of his calls and didn’t put one cent into his commissary account (the previous 2 times he was in, I answered every single phone call and put money in every week). I struggled massively ignoring his calls, pangs of pure guilt and worry that he was without basic necessities and overwhelmed with guilt that he was wondering why all of a sudden his mum ‘didn’t care’. Of course I care, but I knew this cycle of chaos that was now becoming our norm wouldn’t ever stop unless I stopped it. He texted me a few days ago (I didn’t even know he was out!) apologising for hounding me whilst in prison and letting me know the eviction on his home has been postponed for 3 months and that he started a new job. I could not believe my eyes when I saw him saying sorry (a first and very unexpected), and I know all this may be short lived, but the point is nothing about his time in jail was any different from my lack of answering the phone or supplying funds, and equally when I wasn’t there to ‘fix’ everything, he found ways around it himself.
You said your son knows how to push and manipulate you, and he will continue to do so until you don’t allow it. The emotional pleas, and pulling on your heartstrings will unfortunately never stop unless you stop it. For far too long he’s been doing this to you because he knows he’ll get what he wants as a result, so for your sanity and for his best interest, don’t let this cycle carry on. Give yourself a well needed break, do what you please when you want with your money, and most importantly do it guilt free. Perhaps book a little trip away for you and your husband? Make a pact, you won’t answer your phone, if you’re really worried you can always send a message. Hopefully this can be a start to breaking that cycle of giving all your time, attention and money on your son, remembering that your son is an adult that will always make his own choices, regardless of anything you say or do. So do please let him make his choices, but grant yourself the same respect and allow you to make yours
P.s. please don’t give up trying to find a therapist that works for you, they are definitely out there.
Plus there are many wonderful groups of people that have lots of meetings in similar situations, that can bring worldly advice and comfort. These meetings can be online or in person or both. I recently started attending Al-anon which I found doing a search online and it has helped me massively. I’m confident you will find one or more that will suit you too.
Sending hugs
and am so glad you have reached out on here.
I think, your fear of losing your son, is too overwhelming and you try to do everything you can to prevent that from happening, but please don’t let fear rule your heart and head, as fear serves no purpose whatsoever, but to cause detriment to you both mentally and physically.
Your son is an adult and there is absolutely nothing, you can say or do that will change his behaviours. He will make whatever choices he wants to make completely irrespective of what you say and do. The only control you have is how you react to your son’s choices. You said you want to stop giving your son money, so I urge you to please do. I know it’s extremely difficult but the more you say no, and stick to the firm no, the easier it becomes to do. Who knows, you outwardly refusing to give him money, may prompt him to really try get a job. If you simply didn’t have spare cash, he’d have to find an alternative way, and finding an alternative way is what he needs to do. To solely depend on you is not healthy or beneficial to you or him. He’ll never learn to manage otherwise, if he doesn’t have to.
My 26 year old son was recently in prison for the third time in 14 months, but this time I did not answer any of his calls and didn’t put one cent into his commissary account (the previous 2 times he was in, I answered every single phone call and put money in every week). I struggled massively ignoring his calls, pangs of pure guilt and worry that he was without basic necessities and overwhelmed with guilt that he was wondering why all of a sudden his mum ‘didn’t care’. Of course I care, but I knew this cycle of chaos that was now becoming our norm wouldn’t ever stop unless I stopped it. He texted me a few days ago (I didn’t even know he was out!) apologising for hounding me whilst in prison and letting me know the eviction on his home has been postponed for 3 months and that he started a new job. I could not believe my eyes when I saw him saying sorry (a first and very unexpected), and I know all this may be short lived, but the point is nothing about his time in jail was any different from my lack of answering the phone or supplying funds, and equally when I wasn’t there to ‘fix’ everything, he found ways around it himself.
You said your son knows how to push and manipulate you, and he will continue to do so until you don’t allow it. The emotional pleas, and pulling on your heartstrings will unfortunately never stop unless you stop it. For far too long he’s been doing this to you because he knows he’ll get what he wants as a result, so for your sanity and for his best interest, don’t let this cycle carry on. Give yourself a well needed break, do what you please when you want with your money, and most importantly do it guilt free. Perhaps book a little trip away for you and your husband? Make a pact, you won’t answer your phone, if you’re really worried you can always send a message. Hopefully this can be a start to breaking that cycle of giving all your time, attention and money on your son, remembering that your son is an adult that will always make his own choices, regardless of anything you say or do. So do please let him make his choices, but grant yourself the same respect and allow you to make yours
P.s. please don’t give up trying to find a therapist that works for you, they are definitely out there.
Plus there are many wonderful groups of people that have lots of meetings in similar situations, that can bring worldly advice and comfort. These meetings can be online or in person or both. I recently started attending Al-anon which I found doing a search online and it has helped me massively. I’m confident you will find one or more that will suit you too.
Sending hugs
and am so glad you have reached out on here.
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Wonderful advice Fairy dust. I especially like the food and gas card although he will resist. I actually don’t know where he is. He will not tell us where he is. He is very secretive. We’ve tried to tell him to prove he used money for clothing by giving us receipts when he returned to our house recently. But he refuses. It’s like he has all the control.
This may not be the best advice, but if you are the main one he tries to manipulate, and you want to stop this cycle, tell him you are blocking him from your phone, then do it. Before this conversation though, talk to your husband and ask if he can step in and make the decisions of when and if to help. Let him be the one your son has to communicate with.
This might be easier than you bring the one to say no, and it sounds like your husband might be at the point that he is willing to put the breaks on and not be manipulated.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. But I will be the first to say I understand how hard this is to do, and you are the only one who knows what you can live with. Hugs.
Ksm
This might be easier than you bring the one to say no, and it sounds like your husband might be at the point that he is willing to put the breaks on and not be manipulated.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. But I will be the first to say I understand how hard this is to do, and you are the only one who knows what you can live with. Hugs.
Ksm
I'm sorry Scout999 for the distress and heartache you're dealing with. I have no advice to offer, as I think what has been said above is very good counsel. I hope you will be able to set some boundaries to bring some relief to yourself. Please don't allow your son to destroy your marriage.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I think this is what has happened to all of us. And this is what we have to turn around, First of all we think in terms (or I did) of what will help my child. How do I effect change in him. Then I realize that my locus of control is in him, and he knows it, and I have created a monster. Then I realize I have lost myself. Well, that only happened when I truly did lose myself. Really. Don't, please don't let it go so far.
A self is a terrible thing to lose. It took me years and years to realize that this whole travail was about me, not my son. (Oh, my son has real problems. but I could just not let go, nor accept I could not make him do anything, nor control or stop what he wanted to do. )
This is what I did. M who is my partner not my husband, took full control of the decisions. He would run them by me, but I was not the decider. In a sense he is kinder than I am, but much firmer and way less reactive. I can barely tolerate my son. I love him more than I have loved anybody in my life, but he triggers me big, big time.
My son has not changed for the better in terms of his choices and lifestyle, but he has changed in how he treats us. I mean, it's still not great, but less hostility, a little more empathy. No more suicidal threats. I can't remember the last time he hung up on me. I think it was both of the two above changes I made. He sees that I will respond to him based on how I am treated. He sees I will let him suffer the consequences of his actions. He sees I can and did detach.
I have suffered real heartbreak and our story is heartbreaking, but I don't have to break myself or let anybody break me. I took responsibility to be whole. Thank God.
Welcome to you. I am glad you're here with us.
I have been on this site maybe 10 years. It took me many of those years to accept that I was the one who had the responsibility to change, and to accept that my son had the right to live as he chose and is able, but I don't have to follow him there or accept the consequences of his choices and lifestyle.
Take care. We can choose to not suffer. Really. It is a learning process. But doable. I am proof. I was a basket case. Ask anybody here.
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Thanks all for such good advice and encouragement. It's a daily thing to work on myself and see the situation as it is with boundaries. I think I have to save him and I don't. My husband and I are his parents and we love him. I like the advice to let my husband communicate with my son instead of me. He is much more in control and operates with tough love. Like Copa mentioned, my son triggers me. It's like I'm pulled into his world which is not really reality. He seems to blame others for everything going wrong with his life. I keep thinking back trying to figure out when it went wrong, but really useless. It is what it is. I go forward. He writes poetry and fiction but won't take classes and won't get any feedback on his writing. He thinks grandiose ideas about his impact in the world and sometimes veers off in some off the wall thoughts.
When he was living with us, he used to unplug all the appliances because they somehow sent bad aura in our house. He lights sage and walks around cleansing the house. It's actually a good thing he's not here because he starts telling us what pictures we can have in the house and disrespecting us by criticizing our beliefs. I know he does marijuana and possibly LSD. I think that's when it went wrong. I don't believe we'll see him for the holidays as I think he is no longer in the State. I've tried sending job opportunities, but it is unknown if he followed up. Recently, he said that he'd come back home if we bought him a dog, then he would look for job. Of course, I said no. He can't take care of himself much less an animal. Totally unfair for the pet. And that's the way it's like, he came up with the conditions to come back home. It's opposite of the way it should be. It's our house, we make the conditions.
I'm on my third therapist. I've reached out to NAMI several times and attending their parents with an adult child with mental illness support groups online a few times. It helps. I heard they have a family to family online course. I'm hoping my husband and I can attend this next session. It's like 8 online sessions with other families in the same situation.
There's only really one friend that I talk to about this situation. Otherwise, I just tell relatives and friends he is out doing his own thing. I hadn't heard of FOG before, but it makes sense. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. I have a lot of them, but I also have Shame. I'm trying to remain in my own safe space and not enter his chaotic one. He made all these bad decisions, not me. I can't rescue him.
Both our younger daughters are in college and working part time jobs over winter break. Recently, my middle daughter expressed frustration and anger that we keep helping her older brother. It isn't really fair to them. All of them knew that we would help them financially with college as we are able, but they would be able to . My son went for two years to college and dropped out. I hear all your words about him taking responsibility for his own life. And I appreciate it very much.
When he was living with us, he used to unplug all the appliances because they somehow sent bad aura in our house. He lights sage and walks around cleansing the house. It's actually a good thing he's not here because he starts telling us what pictures we can have in the house and disrespecting us by criticizing our beliefs. I know he does marijuana and possibly LSD. I think that's when it went wrong. I don't believe we'll see him for the holidays as I think he is no longer in the State. I've tried sending job opportunities, but it is unknown if he followed up. Recently, he said that he'd come back home if we bought him a dog, then he would look for job. Of course, I said no. He can't take care of himself much less an animal. Totally unfair for the pet. And that's the way it's like, he came up with the conditions to come back home. It's opposite of the way it should be. It's our house, we make the conditions.
I'm on my third therapist. I've reached out to NAMI several times and attending their parents with an adult child with mental illness support groups online a few times. It helps. I heard they have a family to family online course. I'm hoping my husband and I can attend this next session. It's like 8 online sessions with other families in the same situation.
There's only really one friend that I talk to about this situation. Otherwise, I just tell relatives and friends he is out doing his own thing. I hadn't heard of FOG before, but it makes sense. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. I have a lot of them, but I also have Shame. I'm trying to remain in my own safe space and not enter his chaotic one. He made all these bad decisions, not me. I can't rescue him.
Both our younger daughters are in college and working part time jobs over winter break. Recently, my middle daughter expressed frustration and anger that we keep helping her older brother. It isn't really fair to them. All of them knew that we would help them financially with college as we are able, but they would be able to . My son went for two years to college and dropped out. I hear all your words about him taking responsibility for his own life. And I appreciate it very much.
So Very Drained
New Member
Lord God Almighty - I am you only mine is 41. I wish I had something stunning to contribute but I'm looking for answers myself.... Just want you to know you aren't alone (which helps how?). God bless.
So Very Drained
New Member
It helps. Being alone without a soft voice to say I’m here too compounds the grief. I am thankful for your reply. Hugs to you. I am praying for you.
Yes, so true.
So Very Drained
New Member
I want to have what you have found...... Desperately seeking. All of these stories of what happens with our "children" hit me square in the face.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
There's a recent thread or two about this. I think Beta started it. And then ksm wrote about deserving a "casserole." That her church women were famous for preparing casseroles for births, deaths, crises, etc. but we mothers of drug addicted, mentally ill, homeless adult children (I check all the boxes) don't get casseroles. And deserve them. Actually, we deserve them every day.
I have not one friend in real life who I can talk to about my son without being judged or talked down to. Not one person friend-wise understands or is really able or willing to go "there" with me. There is a whole lot of advice-giving, as in, telling me what they believe is true about my sons, and what I should accept. Not knowing one thing really about us. I don't know what it is about our situaitions' here (in this community) that lead people to believe we're incompetent in leading our lives, and they are competent in telling us how to live our lives. (My personal grievance.)
Well, by what I have written above, you can see I am a work in progress.
I hope you stay with us here. I think what I've found has come through being together on this forum and my faith. My faith helped me to find another way to experience my life.
Welcome.
Worndown68
New Member
I feel I want to hug everyone on here, we are all struggling with such pain. I don’t know how others do, but I can get through a couple of weeks try to concentrate on my own life just a day at a time. Then I get contact from one or other of my daughters, I never really know how much is truth and how much is manipulation of course. This morning I woke up with a panic attack. I just can’t solve their problems and I know I have tried everything over the years. I’m scared one of them may turn up at my apartment and cause a scene. But I also worry about them feeling sad, alone and unloved. It makes no sense but we wouldn’t be here on this forum if we didn’t love them so much….. I wish you all as much Peace as possible through the next weeks, I am so thankful to be able to turn here when it all just gets too much x
Bettyboo44
Member
I stumbled across this site only 7 weeks ago when I had reached a point with my sons whereby I felt the only way I’d ever escape the chaos that came with them was to get out of this world myself. I had reached a point where I simply felt I just couldn’t possibly carry on this living hell. I don’t have one family member or friend who has ever truly listened (as in wanting to hear what I have to say) , advised me or that are able to relate to my situation.
For the first time ever of my 26 years of being a parent, I’m finding the strength and knowledge of what I can do to help me and my sons. Undoubtedly that is mainly thanks to this site. I am beyond grateful to the most incredible bunch of people I have ever encountered. The wisdom, experience, support and pure selflessness on here has given me the tools to allow myself to come first, the strength to say no to my sons, to be able to detach and allow them to be them and me to be me.
So Very Drained, I am so glad you have found this site too and am sure you also, will gain so much from the absolute godsends on here
Please don’t despair (I hear the defeat in your messages) Sending hugs
That is one of the quotes or slogans from Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Meetings helped me a lot. The first 5 years I went often. The last 3 years we have been caring for my great grandson who is now 4. I will be 70 on my next birthday. I don't go to meetings often as the only one is from 7 to 8pm...right when we are doing baths and bedtime routines.
But I do recommend them! His mom has been drug freefor almost two months... And living in a sober living house...and has a job! It seems like a Christmas miracle.
I'm trying hard not to get my expectations too high.
Ksm
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Mine is 36. You are "So very drained-" because you have given beyond what you have to give. That is my understanding of our situation..
Nobody can give and give what they don't have without arriving at empty. Actually, beyond empty, at deficit. Now it's time to stop this. And to replenish. And to think of your needs, your interests, your welfare, your being.. And not get to the point where you've reached your limit, ever again. That is the shift we must make.
