What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by elliedeb, Aug 6, 2013.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi elliedeb, so sorry for your need to be here, but you are here, so welcome.
    You can start your own thread, to which folks will reply. Just go on the PE page and click the thread button on the right hand corner. Oh, shucks, I see you started this thread in 2013, so welcome back.
    Just start another thread with what you want to share....others will come along and comment. You are not alone, there are lots of us here, just trying to figure life out.

    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  2. elliedeb

    elliedeb New Member

    Hi new leaf, thank you for your response. This is my thread that I started just over 2 year ago. I am just revisiting to try and catch up, and to see who may be going through similar issues that I have identified with in the last 2 years. The mist is starting to lift now on what what was happening. I am now starting to identify with what others have gone through, and find the thread on shunning particularly interesting and relevant at the moment
     
  3. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    2much2recover,

    I could've written your post. My 20 year old daughter also is borderline. Her father and I divorced also and he went as far as to relinquish his parental rights. All of which she still blames me.

    Everyone here is correct in that you cannot change it. You did not cause it. Guilt and blame is a natural reaction and is also being fueled by your child.

    There's still so much to learn about personality disorders. Medical field has barely broke ground on it.

    I just wanted to tell you I really do understand how you're feeling cause it's the story of my life too. We are all here to listen and support. Reassuring each other really helps us take the next important steps.
     
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI elliedeb,
    Oh, okay the encouragement to start a new thread was because some folks commenting on this one may have moved on. I hope your situation has changed that spurred this discussion.....it is up to you on starting a new thread or not.
    You are most welcome to post with your comments there, too.
    I am glad the mist is lifting.
    Again, welcome back to CD, you are not alone.
    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  5. elliedeb

    elliedeb New Member

    Ah so sorry leafy I had not realised you were encouraging a new thread. I thought you had not realised that was my thread to start with. however you do have a valid point about possibly starting a new thread now. Although the mist is starting to lift, there is still a lot of uncertainty, and confusion. It is just that it has started to take a different path. By dealing with some of the earlier issues in this post, it has resulted in me losing my sister, daughter and grandchildren, because as soon as I started to refuse to accept poor treatment they no longer wanted me in their lives. Obviously it is a bit more complicated than just that, but the post on shunning sems to be giving me some clarity. I will possibly start a new thread as soon as i know what I want to say. thank you so much
     
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Do join us on Family of Origin (FOO). Love to have you.
     
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    No need to apologize. I just thought you may have more commentary on a newer thread.......

    I am so sorry for your loss, this is a tough world we live in, for sure. As SWOT said above, you are more than welcome to share your thoughts on FOO as well.
    Hugs for your hurting heart.
    leafy
     
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Dufster, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here.
    This is difficult for any mom, especially when we are older, and just want our family to get along. We have visions of the Norman Rockwell family dinner, but somehow it doesn't happen.
    I don't know what to say here, except that these are two adults. It is really up to younger sister to figure things out for herself. I am the younger sister in my family. I have reviewed my past in the FOO forum, to work through some old wounds that were reopened when my two went off the rails. For me, growing up was a challenge with my older sister, she was very controlling. It was more than sibling rivalry. It was bullying. I am a highly sensitive person, so I am sure, this played a large role in the confusion of it all. I don't know the particulars of your daughters situation. Have you spoken with the younger one about your feelings? I had a falling out with my sister a few years back and took a break. I reassured my mom that I loved her, but just had to process things.
    Sometimes people grow older and grow apart from one another. It is hard to know what is going on between your two, perhaps there are some old wounds that need healing with the younger and she can't see herself on the same table. I am sorry for the pain of this Dufster.

    The thing is, these are two adults. Though your older girl would like a relationship with her sister, it is really up to the younger to work through whatever she needs to. I think the only thing you could try, if she is willing, is to talk with her so you could have a better understanding of the underlying issue.

    This is not good that it is affecting your health.With concern, gently, I encourage you to seek help. I went to counseling when I couldn't process what was going on with my two. It was very helpful to have a face to face session with a professional who could help me walk through my emotions, I began to recognize my patterns of response and make moves to change. One of the biggest things you will find here on CD, is that there are many heart wrenching situations that are out of our control.
    Finding ways to deal with this is really important to our own growth and peace.
    The only control we have is over ourselves, how we think and feel about things.

    I am sorry for your heartache over this Dufster. Sometimes life throws us some really hard curveballs.

    Please take care, you have value and you matter.

    Keep posting. You may, or may not want to start your own thread, this is a very old one. Sometimes more folks will respond to newer threads. Up to you though.

    One day at a time.
    More will come along and reply.
    You are not alone.

    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
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  9. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Hi and welcome. Wow- Your story just touched me in many ways. First, your daughter is not a nice person. Your daughter is a taker not a giver. You are a giver. Your daughter is gas-lighting you. Read the article on that here in the forum. She is emotionally abusive to you. So let me point out somethings in bullet points:
    • You had cancer, she couldn't help you with anything
    • You asked if she was going shopping if you could go with, Nope.
    • She is evasive when you ask her simple questions
    • She wouldn't help you with her hair
    • She gets mad if you don't help her, give her money
    • You have let her move in with you with a boyfriend, sometimes no boyfriend
    • You give her money to buy other people presents but she gives you a card
    • She doesn't have the decency to make you feel welcomed to spend Christmas with her; she is ok with you spending it by yourself
    • She insults you with her comments about helping you with your hair; her little to no conversation
    • She disrespects you with every conversation or at every meeting.
    You my lady have to get really mad and pissed off to the point that you decide today that you will no longer allow her to treat you this way. I love what SomeWhereOutThere said for you to say to her next time you talk to her and she treats you like crap. Do it. YOU have given her way too much power over your happiness. Quit eating her crap on a spoon.

    Step away from all of it- for a while. We here have all enabled our children for many reasons and we are here to learn from our mistakes and to see the damage that it does to us and to our adult children and other family, friends.

    I was so a giver for many years way into my 30's. I was sucked dry emotionally, physically until one day light-bulb when on and I said no more. I will learn to start saying NO. And I did. I let go of people who sucked me dry and never looked back. I just took a tough crap attitude towards them because it became self-preservation for me. When I need my friends and certain family members, they weren't there. I wised up and took my life back as I was the only one who could change things for me. Life became so much better after I took my life back and stopped letting people walk all over me

    Do one thing to get out and about- even if it is a simple walk down the street and back. Every day, go a little further. Join a book club, take a class in something, arts and crafts, library, community stuff. Start finding ways to fill your life with other things then your daughter.

    Let daughter call you- don't ask questions and don't give her money, period. Tell her you are meeting some friends and would love to talk but have to get going, etc. This will mean time away from seeing grand-daughter, daughter for a while. But you need time to heal, recover, find your own life outside of them. Write a bucket list- do one thing at a time on that list.

    Read the detachment document on this forum, print it out. Read it daily. You have to start accepting that your daughter isn't going to "make you happy" anytime soon. Accept that fact. But you can take your life back. Starting today.
     
  10. learn-a-lot

    learn-a-lot New Member

    Hi, Elliedeb! What you are going through is some of the hardest emotional trials out there. I am going through it, too. I have been spending a LOT of time studying the Narcissist Personality Disorder because my: dad (plus his mom + dad) and my mom ( plus her mom and grandma, + her dad and his dad) were ALL NARCISSISTS!!! So guess what? I have many traits as well (they call that "having fleas"). I have spent most of my life working on those traits and eliminating them from my life, but they still come back to haunt me now and then. This has got to be the most impossible Disorder to "undo". First, I have had to "get self esteem for myself"...very very difficult. I have had to tell my kids all about the disorder and show them lots of the links on the internet. I also have them let me know when I have a "slip" and go into the Narcissist behaviors and I NEVER argue with them about that. I am of the type "engulfing Narcissist" which is a kind of enabler. No more money from me! I never say any negative stuff when facebooking with them, and try to keep my opinions to myself and my journal when I interact with them. My job is not to provide them with a continuous stream of "I.V.opinions". I also do not complain about my life, my problems, or my situations to them, because they are not my therapist. If I happen to get lucky enough to "get together" with them, I consider it a great and wonderful event indeed! I stay 100% positive while with them. Guess what? This approach has worked better than anything else out there, and I have been in therapy for 35 years of my life to get to this point. Good luck, Elliedeb!
     
  11. Lisa W

    Lisa W New Member

     
  12. Lisa W

    Lisa W New Member

    Hi Elliedeb
    I've never been on a forum before, but after having read your posts about your troubles with your daughter, I felt compelled to join and write to you. My situation with my daughter is almost identical to yours. How are you? Has your daughter made any effort to understand what she has put you through? Your story has touched my heart because it is my story. Please let me know how you are doing.
    With love and concern,
    Lisa
     
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi, Lisa and Elledeb, if you are here.

    Why not start a new thread? That way people will see you and post and reply. Lisa, I would very much like to hear your story, and Elle, I would like to know how you are, too.
     
  14. barboniana

    barboniana New Member

    I know this is a years-old thread, but I felt compelled to add something only after reading the first page with the topic and the replies.

    As a daughter, I have a lot to say on this topic. My parents had a very unhealthy and abusive marriage. Age 3 they married, age 7 I remember writing on her furniture "daddy is a louse" while listening to them argue and listen to his abuse her verbally. I was told to stop eating during dinner to go to the store to get my father bread and cigarettes at age 10. I remember being yelled at by my father "then don't eat!" because I was waiting for my mother to sit down to dinner because she said something passive aggressive about not eating when the food was hot. I ran to the bathroom crying at age 11 and my dad annoyed he had to console me. what else...I remember getting a very bad haircut at age 15 and crying to my mother about it, and she told me that I should get over it because the beautician was allowed to have fun with my hair. i remember my mother leaving my dad when i was 16 during the day while he wasnt home, and being told how strong I was being for her, even though I cried myself to sleep and had no one to talk to about it. I also remember being told that I was a traitor at age 17 because my parents finally split up and I wanted to live with my dad. I remember being told I wanted to live with him so I could "f* my boyfriends". I was also told to ask my father for my highschool tuition because he wouldn't give it to my mother. I also had to get a job during HS to pay for lunch because she wouldn't give me the $10 a week and I was always hungry because $2 a day did not fill me up - but she didn't like when I overate because she said I had to watch my weight and control my stomach muscles to hold my tummy in.

    I remember my mother reading my journal and listening on my calls, barging into the bathroom if I took too long. I did not smoke, drink, do drugs, nor did I have an eating disorder. I also remember my mother not picking me up from work when my glasses broke and I couldn't see anything because she didn't really feel like it and I was too far away (I was too far for a cab, it would have been too expensive, so I had a coworker drive me and reimbursed them for the gas for going 30 miles out of their way).
    so I don't have the most warm memories of my mother growing up. what could I have done differently growing up in order to not let all these things get to me? or, did I deserve this treatment and was it normal for her to act like this?

    SO NOW here I am, an adult. i started really standing up for myself when i had a son and saw that she favored my same-aged neice saying that i was favored when i was a child by my grandparents and didn't have a problem with it growing up. she let me and my sister know that my neice would inherit all her jewelry when she died because she is the girl. she would offer to babysit and then cancel at the last minute so very often because of "emergencies" (ie, my stepsister had a car accident and she was waiting to hear if the car was totaled or not, step sis was OK). final straw came when i was having blood pressure issues and needed some help and she would pick my neice up from school and not my son because she couldn't handle them both, even though they went to the same school. she said to me, verbatim, "he isnt my responsbility) when i needed help with my son. told me that maybe it would be best if i got fired from my job so i could collect unemployment and focus on my health. for many more reasons that this, i had to cut her off. ps, i didn't intend for her to take on child care responsibilities, but she would say she acted this way because she had a special relationship with my neice that she didn't have with my son.

    i was allowing myself to get sucked into her offers to help and i had to learn to rely on only myself, because her help was an illusion and i was letting it get to me. she lived across the street from me and we rarely saw her because she would run to my younger sister when my sister needed help.

    i flat out told her that i needed some space from her and i didn't want to spend time with her or anything and asked her to leave me be. a year went by and i felt FREEEEEEEE. i didn't play into her drama. i didn't have to listen to her guilt trips. and only then i saw so clearly how manipulative she could be when i heard the way she was now treating my sister since she didn't have me anymore to cry to about how she is my mother. well the thing is, why does that matter when "i am your daughter" never mattered. when i started to slowly speak to her again, it all came rushing back and her behavior picked up where it left off. asking me to borrow my EZ pass for when she drives over bridges. i know that is a small thing, but i don't see why she cant be a separate entity from me - once i stopped contact i no longer felt like i was an extention of her any longer.

    she had a girls only grab bag this Christmas, and my son felt excluded. he is 8. he is the only boy. she had things like measuring spoons, chapstick and giftcards to dunkin donuts and yet he had to be excluded. when i said something about it she said i was too sensitive and that's why my son got an extra present...sorry but to an 8 year old, that's not comparable.

    she keeps asking me to visit her now that she moved 2 hours away....she bought a house because she always wanted a house with a big yard and is now 2 hours away from me, 3 hours from my sister. when i say its too far and i have to work overtime on weekends, she then brings up how i manage to find time to see my sister and also take road trips...so i replied, "well when we get together all we do is argue so i like to limit my time". she said that is silly of me, we don't argue, i just get annoyed for no reason and that one day i will regret not spending time with her because she will be dead some day.

    anyway, i didn't intend for this to be so long, but i urge everyone to get the daughter's perspective here. you shouldn't criticize what kind of person the daughter is not knowing her side. i do know that a lot of people correctly encouraged the original writer to focus on herself and let the daughter be. i agree with that. but am i a bad person because im tired of seeing my son be treated as less-than when my neice is around because he was born male? and i bad for not wanting to listen to my mother overtalk everyone because she cant let a conversation happen without being involved, or that it annoys me that i cant ask her husband a question without her responding for him? or maybe i am a bad person because i just cannot get over the fact that i was told i was a traitor for wanting to be with the parent who didn't use me as a crutch for her life when she needed to be held up - as a child, why was this MY responsibility. there is NO excuse for using your kid when you need support during a bad relationship, especially at age 9, 11, 16.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2019
  15. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Im sorry you feel you have a bad mother, but we are not her. Although all young mothers with adoring littles feel that this dislike from their children will never happen to them because they will do things differently and correctly and lovingly, there are no guarantees. Mothers are not valued as they once were. Family isnt. And you dont know how your child's generation will feel about parents. Each generation tends to be very critical of the one before theirs.

    And rhen there are those of us who have many grown kids and only one dislikes us and the others love us as much as we love them.TThis is also common.

    There is no way to make sure your kids will not be unloving. No math problem answer. Society does not value family as it once did. At least not in the U.S. And it isnt going to get any better. So many kids are the product of single parents, divorces, stepfamilies that are not harmonious and parents that work more than spend time with their kids. And of course the falling apart of close extended family. These issues can lead to big resentments. I have seen it. I see it in you.

    One day your mom will be gone for good and you will never have to see her again.

    Warning: Your child is watching how you treat your mother. Kids often copy what they see.

    I hope when your son is a married man he still makes you feel loved and valued. I wish none of this bad stuff on anyone, but it is not uncommon anymore.

    One thing is true. We all post one side of the story, you also. We have not heard from your mother.

    Karma is a biotch and nobody is a perfect parent. That includes you.

    Have a nice day..
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2019
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    For many years I felt about my mother the way you feel about yours. And I did not talk to her or see her for many years. Thank goodness for almost 20 years before she died we had a relationship that largely was positive, although not as close as I wished it would have been.

    My mother has been dead for almost 6 years. I miss her every day. All of the suffering and anger has receded, and what I feel is longing to be with her again, even for a day. I ask myself what problem was so big, what hurt was so grievous, what failure on her part so glaring that I could not deal with it and accept her as she was. Because what is left at the end of the day is love.
     
  17. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Oh, a thought. On the grab bag. If your son is the only male perhaps he was given traditional boy toys while the girls exchanged girl toys. Maybe that is all it was. I suspect it was. Good night.
     
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you have suffered so much hurt and pain from the one person who is suppose to give unconditional live. I hope you can heal from it. Sometimes it helps to write it down and put it out in the universe.

    You matter. I heard you. Ksm
     
  19. barboniana

    barboniana New Member


    yes, I thought of this after I posted, only my side has been told.
    I definitely am not asking for sympathy or compassion or anything from anyone. I am simply stating what it is like as a daughter of someone who needed a lot of emotional coddling when I was a child.
    I hope you have a nice day as well.