I know this is a years-old thread, but I felt compelled to add something only after reading the first page with the topic and the replies.
As a daughter, I have a lot to say on this topic. My parents had a very unhealthy and abusive marriage. Age 3 they married, age 7 I remember writing on her furniture "daddy is a louse" while listening to them argue and listen to his abuse her verbally. I was told to stop eating during dinner to go to the store to get my father bread and cigarettes at age 10. I remember being yelled at by my father "then don't eat!" because I was waiting for my mother to sit down to dinner because she said something passive aggressive about not eating when the food was hot. I ran to the bathroom crying at age 11 and my dad annoyed he had to console me. what else...I remember getting a very bad haircut at age 15 and crying to my mother about it, and she told me that I should get over it because the beautician was allowed to have fun with my hair. i remember my mother leaving my dad when i was 16 during the day while he wasnt home, and being told how strong I was being for her, even though I cried myself to sleep and had no one to talk to about it. I also remember being told that I was a traitor at age 17 because my parents finally split up and I wanted to live with my dad. I remember being told I wanted to live with him so I could "f* my boyfriends". I was also told to ask my father for my highschool tuition because he wouldn't give it to my mother. I also had to get a job during HS to pay for lunch because she wouldn't give me the $10 a week and I was always hungry because $2 a day did not fill me up - but she didn't like when I overate because she said I had to watch my weight and control my stomach muscles to hold my tummy in.
I remember my mother reading my journal and listening on my calls, barging into the bathroom if I took too long. I did not smoke, drink, do drugs, nor did I have an eating disorder. I also remember my mother not picking me up from work when my glasses broke and I couldn't see anything because she didn't really feel like it and I was too far away (I was too far for a cab, it would have been too expensive, so I had a coworker drive me and reimbursed them for the gas for going 30 miles out of their way).
so I don't have the most warm memories of my mother growing up. what could I have done differently growing up in order to not let all these things get to me? or, did I deserve this treatment and was it normal for her to act like this?
SO NOW here I am, an adult. i started really standing up for myself when i had a son and saw that she favored my same-aged neice saying that i was favored when i was a child by my grandparents and didn't have a problem with it growing up. she let me and my sister know that my neice would inherit all her jewelry when she died because she is the girl. she would offer to babysit and then cancel at the last minute so very often because of "emergencies" (ie, my stepsister had a car accident and she was waiting to hear if the car was totaled or not, step sis was OK). final straw came when i was having blood pressure issues and needed some help and she would pick my neice up from school and not my son because she couldn't handle them both, even though they went to the same school. she said to me, verbatim, "he isnt my responsbility) when i needed help with my son. told me that maybe it would be best if i got fired from my job so i could collect unemployment and focus on my health. for many more reasons that this, i had to cut her off. ps, i didn't intend for her to take on child care responsibilities, but she would say she acted this way because she had a special relationship with my neice that she didn't have with my son.
i was allowing myself to get sucked into her offers to help and i had to learn to rely on only myself, because her help was an illusion and i was letting it get to me. she lived across the street from me and we rarely saw her because she would run to my younger sister when my sister needed help.
i flat out told her that i needed some space from her and i didn't want to spend time with her or anything and asked her to leave me be. a year went by and i felt FREEEEEEEE. i didn't play into her drama. i didn't have to listen to her guilt trips. and only then i saw so clearly how manipulative she could be when i heard the way she was now treating my sister since she didn't have me anymore to cry to about how she is my mother. well the thing is, why does that matter when "i am your daughter" never mattered. when i started to slowly speak to her again, it all came rushing back and her behavior picked up where it left off. asking me to borrow my EZ pass for when she drives over bridges. i know that is a small thing, but i don't see why she cant be a separate entity from me - once i stopped contact i no longer felt like i was an extention of her any longer.
she had a girls only grab bag this Christmas, and my son felt excluded. he is 8. he is the only boy. she had things like measuring spoons, chapstick and giftcards to dunkin donuts and yet he had to be excluded. when i said something about it she said i was too sensitive and that's why my son got an extra present...sorry but to an 8 year old, that's not comparable.
she keeps asking me to visit her now that she moved 2 hours away....she bought a house because she always wanted a house with a big yard and is now 2 hours away from me, 3 hours from my sister. when i say its too far and i have to work overtime on weekends, she then brings up how i manage to find time to see my sister and also take road trips...so i replied, "well when we get together all we do is argue so i like to limit my time". she said that is silly of me, we don't argue, i just get annoyed for no reason and that one day i will regret not spending time with her because she will be dead some day.
anyway, i didn't intend for this to be so long, but i urge everyone to get the daughter's perspective here. you shouldn't criticize what kind of person the daughter is not knowing her side. i do know that a lot of people correctly encouraged the original writer to focus on herself and let the daughter be. i agree with that. but am i a bad person because im tired of seeing my son be treated as less-than when my neice is around because he was born male? and i bad for not wanting to listen to my mother overtalk everyone because she cant let a conversation happen without being involved, or that it annoys me that i cant ask her husband a question without her responding for him? or maybe i am a bad person because i just cannot get over the fact that i was told i was a traitor for wanting to be with the parent who didn't use me as a crutch for her life when she needed to be held up - as a child, why was this MY responsibility. there is NO excuse for using your kid when you need support during a bad relationship, especially at age 9, 11, 16.
