What in the world

[BusynMember]

You never owed nor could have given Ben a life where he loved everything everyone did, and its real life that not everything works out our way.

We get disappointments. Why even listen to the crap about moving when he was in kindergarden??????

No offense meant at all, but Ben is not the first kid accused of stealing or the first kid to talk to the cops when it was a mistake. And boo hoo that he had to go to Disney World and didnt like it. So what? HE should have picked where to go on vacation? Or been consulted?

Did he pay? Thats insane! And sorry but bratty too.

Such abuse that you you took him on a vacation that he did not love! We coouldnt afford vacations. My kids didnt go. Maybe the lake for a day.

Ben's life is his fault. He got HIMSELF into big trouble and too bad his dad wouldnt take in HIS dog or his girlfriend. I would have taken the dog if my husband agreed but not him or the girl.

I am much less tolerant than many parents here. Im mean I guess. When my daughter took drugs we made her leave. Within a year she had quit and she knew better than to try to come home or ask for money or bring home a boyfriend or stray pet.

She saw spoiled kids too and was not spoiled. And she had a few rough events in her childhood. When she was eight she was raped by a grown man and told nobody until she was 14 because she was ashamed and also he had told her he knew where she lived and would kill us all if she told. What a cryfest we had acter she finally told us. She didnt know who the man was so he roams free. Monster!

Then during her drug days some boys dragged her across a park with evil intent but this time she got away. She was afraid to talk to the cops and never would give names. It was a nightmare. It was related to drugs. We took her to counselors but she shut down and kept using. She was still a minor. We homeschooled her bit she managed to get out at night and still use.

I digress.

Life is tough. Sorry but Ben's life doesnt seem unusually tough. Just the normal stuff and himself.

Also this is jmo about how Ben wont talk to his dad.

If one of my kids wouldnt talk to my husband, their father, who has been so good to us all, I would not engage with that child until he stopped the silence. My kids cant try to play us against each other. We are a team.

None of this is your fault or his father's fault.

Ben is the way he is because he choses to be .My daughter had a tough time of it but she hadnt had to turn to drugs. We offered her the best help and she refused it for drugs. So we finally made her leave at 19. I had to do it for her, for us and for my two younger kids and within a year she was clean and adulting never to go back to drugs. She had used meth and coke.

We have a great relationship. Never once has she blamed problems in her life on us, on her assault at eight, (although I think that contributed to the drugs) on anything or anyone but hersrlf. And now her life is good. She is 35 and has done well for herself and my granddaughter. She has a house a long term SO and went to two year college and took out a loan for herself. We are very proud.

i have a low tolerance for being abused by anyone. My family of origin abused me and I would never stand for my beloved family of choice abusing me OR my beloved husband.

in my opinion if Ben is mean to you. it isnt moving at age five, the phone he was once accused of stealing, the cops, the neighborhood kids or his trouble with the job ..... it is because he CAN treat you this way and get favors for it.

And you seem to feel sorry for him over horrible choices HE makes or even regular life, like normal job problems. If you didnt feel so sorry for him, maybe he would be different toward you AND himself. He would be on his own. He would have to make hard choices. Something would have to change for him good or bad. This way isnt working.

Some kids really do have it rough. I dont see this in Ben's background, although I dont know all of it. It would make more sense if Adam was the complainer but he isnt! He has a great attitude! Kudos to him!

Your attitude guides your life.

I know this is hard but please dont let Ben play you and hub against each other nor do things for him that are his fault and hard for you todo. Dont try to fix him or he wont grow.

And remember that you will get treated the way you allow him to treat you. And he may be less apt to feel sorry for himself if you let him know you are sure he can do better. Fake that attitude until you can make it!

Life is hard.

Love and light!

 

[Misssy2]

I have a new friend in my new city.

She has two sons and both she tells me treat her rather shabbily. Their wives do as well. We had not met them, until recently when we met one. She also has a daughter and that relationship is healthier.

She has points to Time shares and had saved them. Only two months ago she had big time major surgery and was super sick. She decided to treat her and her husband to 2 overnights to one of these places locally, that included a free , fancy buffet dinner. It allowed you to bring a guest to dinner. They didn’t seem to care if the guest was a couple.

She invited her son and his wife to come Thurs and us to come Fri. To join them for dinner.

At the last minute, her son said he /they wanted to come Fri.

Right or wrong, she didn’t call me to ask if I wanted to switch. I think since it was last minute she didn’t feel it was right.

The place had a buffet from 4-5:30 and another spread at 5:30 to 7. She told him to come at 4 and me to come at 5:30. As a side note, we couldn’t come any earlier than 5:30.

When we got there , they were finishing their food. She introduced us. We said hello and it was a pleasure to meet you. This young couple barely looked up. In fact, I don’t think he looked up at all. She looked up and if looks could kill we would be dead. They were very ugly to their parents for the next five minutes, then left. Later, he realized he had accidentally taken the room key. We were eating and he came back and without saying a word, threw the key in the table and left.

She said he treats her like this all the time. He is in his early thirties. The other son is similar. If she complains, they might blow up at her , so she rarely says anything.

I asked her if he had a diagnosis, and she said no. She said she has learned to limit interaction and not say much. She invited them to the dinner because he has given her good advice with the points and how to get the best deals. Only a guess, but I guess he was furious that she didn’t dump us or switch our nights with his even though it was last minute. He never acknowledge our presence. It was profoundly rude. So rude as to be shocking.

What is this? Have you ever seen this type of behavior before? I feel sooo sorry for her. She says she has learned to be strong.She says when she tries to set boundaries he screams. So, it’s more of a keep your distance kind of thing and she has gotten much tougher and she doesn’t let this stuff bother her too much.

WTH is this behavior from the son and his wife?

Seems they are "stuck" in this dynamic. If she doesn't get the support she needs to speak up to her son...than this will never change.

My son I believe to have that interminted explosive disorder..but the times I have been able to have heart to hearts with him..he knows his behavior is out of line...but the thing IS your friend needs some counseling on how to even BEGIN to start gaining respect from her son.

I have worked with my therapist for 2 years on how to get my son just to a level where he is finally starting to respect ME.

I had to get brave and not allow him to talk to me the way he was talking to me...I remember the ONE DAY I broke thru to him...He was talking disrespectfully to me..telling me I was stupid (it had something to do with me cooking) and why would I even think what I did would work? And what a waste of money...Etc.. He wasn't swearing or anything but his TONE was very demeaning....and disgusted and made me feel SMALL.

I remember how scared I was but I had to speak up.... looked up at him and I said..."Dereck the way you talk to me is abusive and I don't want abuse in my life".

Because I spoke up he was dumbfounded and EXPLODED he said ...I will move the F out of here faster than you can imagine and then you can be alone and have lost the rest of your family! BOY did that HURT...

But, I stood strong...knowing that he was just reacting to me in this way because he wanted to intimidate me and put me back in the "place" where he had me that was comfortable...

And I stood strong and SAID....Thats fine if you want to leave Dereck...losing people that abuse me is nothing but good for me.

I said it calmly....He stormed off downstairs...

About an hour later...He came upstairs and said he was sorry.....He has changed ALOT since that day....

But I would not have gotten there...if I did not set a boundry of how I wanted to be treated..and I could not get here alone..I needed a therapist and again it took a long time....She needs help.

 

[BusynMember]

Misssy...hi and kudos to you ! If you had said nothing, he may still be abusing you. Very brave!

 

[Nomad]

Interesting stories.

I do wonder about my friend. I noticed the father was painfully quiet. I think he was trying to keep from screaming at the young man. He was angry, but holding it in and said nothing. I CAN understand the real threat of potentially losing a grandchild. This stuff is disturbing. But, I loved the example above (will try to go back and check) about calling out abusuve language. Not tolerating it. (Missy! )

Our son seems to have a tad of this. When he said he wouldn’t have the party here in January, it was almost like a threat. Huh? I think he was shocked that we said “okay, no problem.” He is not entitled to use our home to save money on rental space to throw a party. This is how he original approached us.How weird.

 

[Tired out]

Some kids really do have it rough. I dont see this in Ben's background, although I dont know all of it.

No, he never had it rough. Still doesn't by a lot of peoples standards.

I also can't say I "feel sorry" for him about the bit with the phone/cop. I was annoyed by it when I found out the outcome that we weren't informed of.

In no way does he play me against his dad. I have told him he is an idiot and needs to grow up and get over the lies he is telling himself about his teenage years.

And you seem to feel sorry for him over horrible choices HE makes or even regular life, like normal job problems.

I did feel bad for him over what happened with the job he was going to , that he had already done all the preliminary paperwork and medical physical, tests, and aptitude tests that they required. he did the right thing giving notice, bet he doesn't give notice again, he will just leave on his last day and not go back.

So overall I can't say I feel sorry for him. I am hopeful he grows up and out of being such a jerk. Apparently he reserves his attitude for us. But no I am not going to disown him,or completely cut him out of my life. I wouldn't give a bean about who said to do that. On the same note I also won't let him move back in here. When he first moved out Hubs wanted a safe and a security system to monitor the house in case he moved back in. I bought both things but I also told him I didn't want Ben living here. I was shocked when at first he said ok to the 2 weeks till they could get into the apartment. Then the dog and girlfriend thing came up and he said no. That's Ben, get an inch and go for the mile!
He hasn't had anything disrespectful to say since he moved out. He just declines any invitations such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. Says he doesn't want to talk to or be around dad. Personally (i may be way off base) I think he knows what an ass he was and hasn't figured out a way around it. His dad says that he can come here he just wants warning so he can make sure certain items are locked up. He says he forgives him but he doesn't trust hi, I don't either, he has to earn that and he won't get to live here to earn it. Truth.. I think we enjoyed the holiday's more than if he was here. Except for the "friend" we had over and That will never happen again. She has been deleted. Easy for me to delete people I am not related too.

SWOT, Personally I am heartbroken for your daughter. for such horrible things to happen to her is awful. I hope that dreg is dead or rotting in jail somewhere, better yet is suffering from a horrible form of cancer. I am sad for the way your childhood was too. I know you don't ask for sympathy for it but, it is sad. I can't say everything about my childhood was perfect but I did have wonderful (not perfect) parents and grandparents, 3 sisters I love to the moon and back (even if at times 2 of them are exasperating) and a fun extended family.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you, Tired Out. I feel very badly for the thing with my daughter. Heartbroken. I hope that man is suffering.

But dont feel badly for me. I sometimes feel relieved when I write about it, to purge it out of my system. Writing is a big outlet for me. So Ido it

Also my sister reads my posts here with diligence since she found out I post here. Sister never ever listened to me about how I felt about the entire horror show (well, it was one for me). But now I am sure she read my story and I am glad she has, even if she tells herself I am lying about some things.

I really dont care because I know I am not lying and she knows what SHE did to me. That the part about her and me is the honest to God truth. That the cut offs snd cops are accurate.

Dont ever pity me for that please. My terrible treatment by family of abusers made me strong.

And I could not cut off a child either. Refuse bad behavior from one yes. Cut the child off....never.

Love and light!

 

[Tired out]

And I could not cut off a child either. Refuse bad behavior from one yes. Cut the child off....never.

He hasn't said anything derogatory about his dad since the Dad said no about adding dog and girlfriend to the mix. Then it was Dad was mean to him and he doesn't want to see him. I shut him down. told him he was delusional. and asked him "where do you think the money is coming from for your 1st and last months rent and security deposit?" Be didn't have any savings for that. He asked if we would help him (yes after he stole, he had come back and apologized, admitted he was smoking pot and said he was really sorry and tried to get the items back but the sales guy he sold them to had already sold them. I called the guy (one of those tool guys that sells tools and other stuff out of a big truck, goes to factories and garages etc) he did know Ben and verified what he had told me. I asked if he would tell me how much he paid him for the items and it was 1/4 what they were worth. Dumb butt..they will take anything when they want there pot.
Yes we helped them. For us it was much better than having him here and I needed the peace of mind to know he was safe and had a place to sleep. I know some people would say "tough, let him sleep under a bridge" that just is not me. I don't want a stray cat sleeping in the elements. It makes me so sad. If I didn't have to lock up my house and have everything secured and go through an act of congress we would be foster parents. I hate that so many kids are hung out to dry and are in bad situations. But having Adam I just can't have anyone unstable in my home. Adam comes 1st. period.
Before we committed to the funds I spoke to a family friend who knows the history and is a very well respected psychologist. She said that if we could afford to do it without hardship to us to just give the dollars directly to the apartment management, not to give Ben a check, make the payment directly. Tell the kids it is not a loan, it is to get them started and to make the most of of the help. She said it was best in this type of situation to not have them feel they had a loan to repay. Just give them a start. We were good with her suggestion. We did not cosign for the apartment. They have a lease in both of their names.
They have kept up with everything on their own since then. it gives him a darn good reason to stay employed! I just pray it stays that way.
I don't think there is any perfect answer for any of our situations. We just have to do what is best for us individually and what lets us sleep at night.

 

[BusynMember]

Tired, my daughter was never out on the street. I never could have put my kids in the streets UNLESS they were a danger to any of us .

When Bart got difficult his father took him. My daughter went to live with a very tough brother. We didnt give her a dime and he forced her to work, clean.the house, cook and not only no drugs but no cigarettes (she quit!) Or he WOULD have put her out. She cared enough about herself to do everything he said. Thus she quit, and never went back.

I am softhearted, really. If I see somene holding up a homeless sign I have to give, even though I know it may not be used right. Or I buy them groceries. But I cant just walk by. I cant and dont

We have been foster parents and three of our beloved children are adopted and the one with autism was given to us in an emergency because nobody would take him and he risked ending up in a residential center as a baby.

We are so blessed he is our son!! His exceeded his prognosis. The birthmothet had been a drug addict and he had been born with crack in his system and also needed emergency open heart surgery.

He came to us at two and has been healthy! Then we went too far and adopted an elevin year old boy who acted nice to our face but abused our babies. Badly. Think the worst.

We learned you cant help everyone. He is gone. We never tried to expand our family again and learned that love and kindness doesnt help everyone, child or adult.

My BFF who diead at 50 of cancer took in many needy people but stopped after being constantly robbed.

This year we adopted a rescue dog and spent thousands on the little man's surgery and we love him to the moon.

We care about those in need.

But I still will not let my grown child abuse me. If I feel so uncomfortable that someone has to move out it will not be me or my husband.

There are places to go. If they wont go there, that then beqcomes their choice as able bodied adults. But I expect civility. And I had a very rough start in life as did my autiistc son. Both of us worked hard to overcome it. Anyone can. Yes its hard .

I wont live forever. I want the peace of knowing that my kids are able to care for themselves when that day comes.

And I dont feel any of us should put up with abuse. Our adult kids, if disabled, can get SSI or SSDI, Medicare and Medicaid, Section 8, foodshare, a case manager and services for part or full time employment, and we even have free cabs here if you are on Disability.

All this helps my autistic son and many of his buddies to be independent . My son has a two bedroom apartment, big and nice for 1/3 of his income .He pays no utilities. Subsidized housing. No, its not in a bad neighborhood. He is five minutes from us. He loves it.

If you are not disabled in my opinion you should work. Low income qualifies you for most services too. They better learn how to use adult services if they wont work because again we can't live forever and we never know what tormorow will bring.

Living with us to me doesnt teach them how to live without us. There are 50 year old men living in Mom's basement. But now Mom is 80. What next?

And how bad were Mom's golden years dealing with 50 year old Junior who still abuses her?

I have a very soft heart....too soft. But I do look at the big picture and I also love myself too and put up boundaries.

I cant fix anyone but myself. Nobody can. They choose their lives. One can always do better. But we cant male them do better.

Anyhow, this is just how I think and feel. We are all different. I dont judge just hope everyone can find their way to peace and harmony. I did and its great


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