What is he doing?

[Lil]

Working his way across the family?

We got a call today from one of Jabber's sisters, the one we were maddest at...one of the ones who waylaid us at the family reunion and then said she would take him his stuff and refused...long story if you don't remember. http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/family-reunion-from-hell.60654/#axzz3mEjg8nhO

Anyway, he had re-friended her on Facebook and asked her (or at least hinted until she got it) if she would come get him. She is planning on letting him, and perhaps his girlfriend, to come live with her. She wanted to know...I'm not sure what. I guess if he'd steal from her; if he would follow the rules. Well duh, of course he won't. We didn't really know what to say. We told her, it was totally her choice and not to do it for us. He can't come home. I told her, "He's my only child, and I won't help him because none of the help we've given has ever changed things." We told her to put the rules in writing and if he messes up, tell him to get the hell out and not feel bad about it.

You'd think, that after being truly homeless, after having no money, after having no food, that he'd be grateful enough to do what's necessary to find work and behave.

Not holding our breaths.

 

[Lil]

And we just got a text that he and girlfriend are there. Hmm. Don't know what to think about this turn of events.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Its between him and my sister.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil like all the other people we get advice from, she doesn't get it yet. She will, like Jabber's parents did. Let her try. When I volunteered in a homeless shelter, for the most part drug addicts or users came. I don't know what your son is or isn't doing to make him the way he is, but whatever it is, he is like most we serviced who had nowhere to go. If we could get anything out of them, which was rare (but sometimes they'd get so emotional, they HAD to talk), we would hear the same story.

"I have nobody to stay with. I burned out all my family and friends."

It seems that they try to live with kind-hearted people who care about them, but the people eventually can't handle their behaviors and tell them to leave, thus they ended up coming to our shelter once a week (we had a rotation with other churches. They had to go to a different one each night, but they really ate well!!!! Home cooked meals by kindly church ladies." And a sack lunch meal to take with them.

I do not mean your son will end up this way. He still has so much time to change his path. But his behavior seems normal as far as those who end up homeless...he is trying everyone he knows by pulling on heartstrings. You can't control what his aunt does, so let it play out. She means well. She has been warned. Whatever happens, happens.

Try not to worry about it. Your son will make the rounds and either straighten out his act or run out of people. It is up to him. He is being given many chances by those who love him. They want to try to help him. Let them do this. If it doesn't work out, they are adults and will show him the door. At least your son is not violent and won't hurt anybody.

Hugs for your hurting heart. I am so, so sorry.

 

[pasajes4]

I truly hope that he has learned something. My son is very much the same way. The sister made the offer. You guys did not ask her to open her home up to them. If it goes south, I hope she does not blast you guys for son's behavior.

 

[Tanya M]

She wanted to know...I'm not sure what. I guess if he'd steal from her; if he would follow the rules.

The fact that she even has to ask this question should be answer enough. One thing I have learned from dealing with my own son in regards to other people, if you have any question at all about their character you already have your answer.

Its between him and my sister.

Jabber's right.

There is always hope and my hope is this time will be the time that he really gets it. However, if that does not happen and he steals from Jabber's sister or something else happens I hope sister does not take it out on the two of you. It's her choice and her choice alone to let him and girlfriend stay there.

Staying tuned to see what happens next in this adventure.

 

[AppleCori]

OMG'. He is already back???!!!

That boy cannot do 'adventure'!

I could do better than that--even at my age--with both thumbs tied behind my back!

As far as the aunt--she doing a form of penitence.

She is atoning for the 'family reunion incident'.

She is a good person, I'm assuming, and realizes that she contributed to that problem, not helped solve it. So she is trying to solve it. Or at least prove to herself and everyone else that she can't. Then her conscience will be clear.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We asked D H brother to take our son in when he was nineteen. We are not sure what happened, but there are still bad feelings between our son and that brother. Our son came home again after something like six weeks. During the time our son was living with the brother, we were a little ashamed about what was happening, but mostly, we were so grateful the brother agreed to take him ~ that he would do this, for us and for our son.

After it was over, that is what we told the brother. That we were grateful he had taken our son in.

I have never asked the brother what happened, there.

Jabber's sister is very kind, to have taken the girlfriend in, too.

You never know. Maybe the kids will be able to do well in that environment.

However it works out, that extended family is involved can be a double edged sword. The kids will have their reasons for having taken their lives where they have taken them. Mostly, for us, that involved blaming us to anyone who would listen. Listening to the child's rationalizations changes the dynamic between family members for a time. For D H and I, there was nothing to say, so we didn't say anything.

That is part of the reason I post about needing to know in our hearts the why behind the actions we take where our troubled kids are concerned. It is a very hard thing to figure out how to parent a child who will not launch. You have come through that, you and Jabber, very well. When we have taken the actions we believe will change things for our child ~ which is horrifically hard ~ and the child still refuses to launch, and extended family becomes involved, there will be a time when it feels like we are being seen through a distorted, microscopically focused lens. The child justifies his position to extended family just as he justified his positions and belief systems to us. Only this time, we are the reason why. Not the teacher. Not the friends. Not the weather that day. We threw them out with nothing. We were overbearing jerks, and etc. There is no one to speak for us. We cannot speak for ourselves without ruining the child's chances in the new environment.

A powerless feeling.

It helped us to remember that there is no bad guy, here. It is the situation that is wrong and hurtful. Not us. Not our troubled child.

Not our extended family, who are not sure how to understand what they hear.

It is very hard to come through it. It feels outrageously unfair. We are already in a roil of emotion where the child is concerned. If we knew how to fix it, the child would be away at school, doing well and making great strides toward the future we dreamed for them, instead of moving in with one member of extended family and then, another.

Probably, justifying themselves by blaming us the whole time.

So, if this works well for your son, good. If it doesn't, realize the sister is going to feel confused, and is going to be blamed, and is not going to know how to handle her feelings regarding what's happened either. Holding an attitude of "Somehow, we'll all get through this." helped us.

There wasn't one easy or pleasant thing about any of it. Practice radical acceptance. Don't defend. Don't explain, unless you are asked a direct question. Pray this is the answer for your child. Stay in a place of gratitude, if you can.

If you haven't read Sarah ban Breathnack's Simple Abundance, I found that helped me with the gratitude piece. If we can stay in a place of gratitude, there will not be room for anger.

But it was a very hard thing.

Cedar

 

[Lil]

As far as the aunt--she doing a form of penitence.

She is atoning for the 'family reunion incident'.

She is a good person, I'm assuming, and realizes that she contributed to that problem, not helped solve it. So she is trying to solve it. Or at least prove to herself and everyone else that she can't. Then her conscience will be clear.

She actually did apologize for what happened at the reunion. We explained it wasn't what was done, it was HOW they did it. She acknowledged they should have called us in advance.

I really hope she isn't doing this for us...we came right out and told her not to do this thinking it was to make nice with us...that it was totally up to her and we wouldn't help him and if he stole to call the police and if he wouldn't follow the rules chuck him out.

She said that she just felt like the time was right to try to help him.

We shall see.

Jabber's sister is very kind, to have taken the girlfriend in, too.

Yeah...she was iffy on that. She was going to ask if she could just take the girlfriend to one of her parents. Of course, I believe the girlfriend, though I've never met her, she'll be more likely to hold a job.

there will be a time when it feels like we are being seen through a distorted, microscopically focused lens. The child justifies his position to extended family just as he justified his positions and belief systems to us. Only this time, we are the reason why. Not the teacher. Not the friends. Not the weather that day. We threw them out with nothing. We were overbearing jerks, and etc.

I mentioned that last night to Jabber. I said, I wonder what the family thinks of us, that they take in our son when we won't. They all know he stole from us...so maybe they don't think too badly of us.

I guess they'll find out for themselves.

 

[AppleCori]

Cedar,

I wonder if part of the problem between your son and his uncle is simply the lack of an apology for the behavior.

I know that this is a real problem right now between my hubby and his second son. Remember, the party where son had 50 kids in our house while we were gone? Oh, and apparently, some of the kids kidnapped our dog and took him on a drunken joy ride! I am so angry about that!

 

[pasajes4]

I am curious what my son is telling his half-brothers and sisters about his old, decrepit, mean, stingy, B of a mother. Then I decided what the heck. Son will probably tell them half truths, and after being lied to about everything he tells them ( he is not a very good liar) they will get it.

 

[AppleCori]

I don't think the family thinks any less of you--including the aforementioned aunt. They all know what has been going on.

The aunt is not doing this for you. She is doing this for him. She is trying to make things right--atoning--not out of guilt but out of the desire to help. I'm sorry if my words sounded as if I thought she has the wrong motives. She is trying one more time, just like we all have.

 

[Lil]

I don't think the family thinks any less of you--including the aforementioned aunt. They all know what has been going on.

The aunt is not doing this for you. She is doing this for him. She is trying to make things right--atoning--not out of guilt but out of the desire to help. I'm sorry if my words sounded as if I thought she has the wrong motives. She is trying one more time, just like we all have.

Yes, I think she is. She said that when the whole family reunion thing happened, they had apparently thought about him coming to stay with them then, but "it didn't feel right" and now it does. She also said she'd just gotten Arby's that day, and in the bag was a flyer about "open interviews". She said that she threw it away, since they didn't know anyone who needed a job and that same day was when he contacted her. I think she feels like it's fate.

As I said, we shall see.

 

[BusynMember]

The problem with family is, they sometimes think they can be the one to be the difference maker, when it has to come from t he person who needs to change. I feel for sister-in-law. And I hope she can turn him around, but she can only do it if he wants her to.

If girlfriend gets a job, I feel like maybe that's not so good. She will support him. But, hey, that's her choice too.

Wishing you so much luck!!!!!

 

[Jabberwockey]

Lil has addressed some specifics so I wont rehash that but wanted to add a few things. First off, this is the sibling that's closest to understanding our problem from the start. She's had problems with all three of her children. Her oldest son had the same attitude our son does. The only reason he didn't continue his fall was because he blew himself up and is now on disability. He doesn't work and likes it that way. Her second son was a meth head and he cleaned himself up when his girlfriend gave him the ultimatum of either drugs or her, not both. They married several years ago and have three children. Her daughter was just excessively stubborn but it lasted for quite a while.

Point is, she wont blame us. Problem is, her husband is even stricter than I am. Lazing around the house, demanding special meals and snacks, bs excuses as to why he cant get/keep a job will not be tolerated. The only other siblings really in a position to take him in is my brother, the one who threatened to kick his butt for the incident at the Grandparents! Not likely to get much sympathy there.

Honestly, I think my sister is trying to atone for what she perceives as her failure with her oldest. I hope she learns quickly but its all on her.

 

[Lil]

I truly think I am more worried about him alienating the whole family, one aunt at a time. I'm worried that in a few months it'll be Christmas and he'll be shivering on the streets, because he's burned all his bridges with everyone, and we'll be jetting off to Vegas...and I'll feel all guilty about it.

Why the heck am I starting to worry about stuff happening three months from now? I guess I just want my family back the way it was before he became ... this. I don't actually know what's gotten into me today.

 

[Tanya M]

Lil,

If he chooses to behave in a such a way that he does alienate the whole family that is on him.

As for Christmas or any other holiday don't let him hold your emotions hostage.

I had one really bad Christmas because I felt so guilty about my son being down and out. Here I was hosting the annual family dinner (my husbands Italian family), I had 30 people in my house and I felt alone. I put on a good happy face but my one sister in-law pulled me aside and asked if I was okay. Doing my best to fight back the tears I told her how I was feeling. Our conversation that followed really helped to put in perspective. She asked me if he had called or messaged me to wish me a Merry Christmas. I told her no he hadn't. She asked me when the last time I had talked to him was and I told her it had been a few weeks. She asked what we had talked about and I told her he was wanting money and I told him no and then he got angry and started swearing at me, you know the usual. When I said that she looked at me and said "the usual??" you mean he does this a lot? I said yes. She then said "you have nothing to feel guilty about, he's obnoxious and rude. you and my brother have bent over backwards for him and he has never been anything but ungrateful. you have a house full of people who love you dearly and you're in here feeling sad because of someone who treats you like crap, what's wrong with this picture"

She really helped to cheer me up and the days that followed I really started to think about what she had said. I had nothing to feel guilty about.

Lil, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You and Jabber deserve this trip. You have dealt with so much this past year. You need to go and have the best time.

If your son is alone at Christmas it will be of his own doing.

You have come to far to get sucked back into the guilt vortex.

 

[Jabberwockey]

You have come to far to get sucked back into the guilt vortex.

She isn't getting sucked back in. She just occasionally gets a bit too close but backs off right away. Honestly, I'd be more concerned if it were just my sister involved or if she were still with her ex since he would only encourage our son to act a fool. Her husband will figure out rather quickly if they are trying to play him or not and will check them on it. They wont try to burn the bridge but our son may, but that's on him.

 

[Tanya M]

She isn't getting sucked back in. She just occasionally gets a bit too close but backs off right away.

 

[Lil]

She just occasionally gets a bit too close but backs off right away.

Yeah...I'd say that describes it. I get a bit...obsessive? Not sure that's quite the right word...but I start running scenarios in my head and they get successively worse. I'll get better. Right now I'm thinking of holidays and it's kind of getting to me...not that either of the last two years have been Hallmark moments.