What is he doing?
- Thread starter Lil
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Consider that you may put more importance on the holiday than he does as well. If you and Jaabber go to a family holiday, would he not be allowed to show up if he wanted to? If he doesn't want to, that's his choice.
He is well aware that he is burning bridges as far as good relationships with family. You said he is bright. He knows. Apparently, he doesn't care.
If he ever totally straightens out, I'm sure the family will forgive him completely if he is honestly contrite and sorry.
One thing I learned. I can't control my grown kids and what they do and don't take responsibility for what they do. I can't control my family members or friends either...or enemies
All you have control over is yourself. And you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You are a good person.
Lil
Well-Known Member
Of course he'd be allowed to attend family holidays...we're actually going to be in Las Vegas though. When he left, I figured we'd see him at the holiday...but not ON the holiday, so we booked a vacation rather than sit around the house, just the two of us.
I know I care more about the holidays than he does. After all the last two years he basically ruined our holidays.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I feel badly for the sister's history with her children. So much pain. I am glad to hear there is a husband and that he is strict. Maybe, this will work out for the best. If it does not, it sounds like you can be fairly certain the husband will not allow the sister to be taken advantage of.
What a lovely family you are part of, Jabber.
Apple Cori, our son continued using for many years after he stayed with his uncle. Son is picking up nicely, now. It has been a long, hard path for our son. There has been blame in a thousand shades ~ all of it somehow connected to us ~ and there has been steady drug use.
Then, intermittent drug use.
Now, I think, no drug use for quite some time, and it's making a huge difference in every aspect of every relationship for him, including his business relationships. So for us, in this time, in our family, it is a matter of learning how to bring a family back together. For those reading along, we did stop the money. We did refuse to deal with disrespect from our son. But it is a year long probation related to a telephone pole in the WalMart parking lot while on a Captain Morgan's run with enough xanax on board that he wound up in a psychiatric unit about a year and a half ago that is most responsible for son's turn around.
What can a mother say.
God bless xanax, right?
:O)
Son always had the character to stop, but not the reason. Probation and his own family to raise was a reason. No money and no sympathy from us was a reason. We did not pay for an attorney or offer to take the kids or do one thing other than tell son we believed in him, we loved him, and we knew he would come through it.
It is impossibly hard to break an addiction. I think that's what the kids need to hear. Much as the kids love us ~ and they do ~ they cannot break the addiction for our sakes once the addiction takes hold.
With us, with the parents, everything slides toward the ugliness of enabling.
Living in someone else's house, living where the rules are strict and eviction certain, maybe then the kids can do it.
I hope this is true for your son, Lil and Jabber.
Cedar
What a lovely family you are part of, Jabber.
Apple Cori, our son continued using for many years after he stayed with his uncle. Son is picking up nicely, now. It has been a long, hard path for our son. There has been blame in a thousand shades ~ all of it somehow connected to us ~ and there has been steady drug use.
Then, intermittent drug use.
Now, I think, no drug use for quite some time, and it's making a huge difference in every aspect of every relationship for him, including his business relationships. So for us, in this time, in our family, it is a matter of learning how to bring a family back together. For those reading along, we did stop the money. We did refuse to deal with disrespect from our son. But it is a year long probation related to a telephone pole in the WalMart parking lot while on a Captain Morgan's run with enough xanax on board that he wound up in a psychiatric unit about a year and a half ago that is most responsible for son's turn around.
What can a mother say.
God bless xanax, right?
:O)
Son always had the character to stop, but not the reason. Probation and his own family to raise was a reason. No money and no sympathy from us was a reason. We did not pay for an attorney or offer to take the kids or do one thing other than tell son we believed in him, we loved him, and we knew he would come through it.
It is impossibly hard to break an addiction. I think that's what the kids need to hear. Much as the kids love us ~ and they do ~ they cannot break the addiction for our sakes once the addiction takes hold.
With us, with the parents, everything slides toward the ugliness of enabling.
Living in someone else's house, living where the rules are strict and eviction certain, maybe then the kids can do it.
I hope this is true for your son, Lil and Jabber.
Cedar
Childofmine
one day at a time
Lil and Jabber,
I used to have these dreams...okay, fantasies...that someone, anyone in my family might be able to get through to Difficult Child and make it all better. Because my family lives 11 hours from where I live, and where Difficult Child lives, that never happened, and I'm glad it didn't, because I realize today that nobody or nothing could have changed things unless he wanted it.
That said, I so understand your sister, Jabber, making another try, and you know, that's okay. People do what they can live with, and I'm sure, like you both said, she has her reasons that are hers alone.
Either it will work or it won't, and it's not on you. Maybe you can rest a bit, knowing he's "under roof". That always helped me, even when I knew it was prolonging his inevitable.
We can all likely predict what will happen, but what do we know? There is always hope.
I think your determining this way, way ahead of time is nothing short of brilliant. When you know a situation is going to be very hard, make a plan. that's what you have done here, and that shows tremendous presence of mind in a very tough situation.
Hang in there. This too shall pass.
I used to have these dreams...okay, fantasies...that someone, anyone in my family might be able to get through to Difficult Child and make it all better. Because my family lives 11 hours from where I live, and where Difficult Child lives, that never happened, and I'm glad it didn't, because I realize today that nobody or nothing could have changed things unless he wanted it.
That said, I so understand your sister, Jabber, making another try, and you know, that's okay. People do what they can live with, and I'm sure, like you both said, she has her reasons that are hers alone.
Either it will work or it won't, and it's not on you. Maybe you can rest a bit, knowing he's "under roof". That always helped me, even when I knew it was prolonging his inevitable.
We can all likely predict what will happen, but what do we know? There is always hope.
I think your determining this way, way ahead of time is nothing short of brilliant. When you know a situation is going to be very hard, make a plan. that's what you have done here, and that shows tremendous presence of mind in a very tough situation.
Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Lil
Well-Known Member
On the up side, they all seem to be fine now. Oldest (who blew himself up - long story) is disabled but seems to get along just fine on his income and seems happy enough. Middle overcame his drug habit and has a sweet wife, a decent job and three kids he's crazy about. Youngest also has a lovely little girl and apparently a large, extended family through her boyfriend, with whom she lives.
Of course, sis said reason her daughter left was she hated living with their rules. So....we'll see how my kid does.
He really is. I'm blessed to have married into it.
I wish we could take credit for making a well-thought-out plan, but the fact is it was kind of like an impulse buy. He left. Clearly wasn't coming back to our town...ever. I got to thinking about the holidays and traveling - I've always wanted to travel at Christmas - there's a castle in Ireland I'd give a months salary to go to, but I can't afford a month's salary (and that's actually what it would take!) so I mentioned Vegas. We'd meant to go again so we started looking on-line at packages. A couple days later we realized airfare was only going up, so we booked.
Nonrefundable.
No turning back now.
I did send a FB message last night. I just said, "I know you're with <sis>. Hope you find work and it works out. I love you. Try hard." His response was "I am. I love you too."
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Lil
Well-Known Member
Sister-in-law has reported that he got a job. Is already giving some attitude, but has been in a better mood since got the job. He gets his schedule tomorrow. girlfriend still hasn't gotten one. sister in law thinks she's a good girl, better than my boy at least, who has already found "friends" to hang out with - apparently friends of a friend. I have a feeling that he found out they were in that town and that's why he contacted sister in law.
Anyway, she plans on making him pay "rent" that'll be returned when they move out, and has warned him that getting fired because of a drug test will be immediate expulsion. I told her I agreed with that 100%...after all, WE kicked him out, so we certainly understand if she does.
Anyway, she plans on making him pay "rent" that'll be returned when they move out, and has warned him that getting fired because of a drug test will be immediate expulsion. I told her I agreed with that 100%...after all, WE kicked him out, so we certainly understand if she does.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
Realistically, this is why he went there. If it is, he WILL get kicked out and soon. But its on him.
Apparently the girlfriend also isn't welcome at the friends place because she had the audacity to question whether our son should be going over there all the time and that he was going to get them kicked out again. I've been getting the impression from her FB posts that she hasn't been happy with his blasé attitude about working and doing drugs for a while now. One post she tagged him in was a picture of Homer Simpson slouching on the couch with a pissed off expression on his face. She said that was our son most of the time. He apparently thought it was funny but based on her other postings, it was meant to be a dig to get him moving. He keeps freaking out because he thinks she's going to leave him? Wonder why she might be considering that?
When they first left for her mom's house, Lil reminded him that she left her job and risked alienating her father for him. Make sure he was worth it. Based on what we've been hearing, he is currently failing at that.
Oh well, its his life. Not my circus, not my monkey.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
I think that is true of my son. He does not seem to recognize other peoples emotions. He can't recognize when people are just being polite as opposed to wanting to spend time with him. He always seems genuinely surprised when people react negatively to his behavior. Could this be why they continue to behave the way they do? Interesting thought?
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
Yes. He will say things that are blatantly insulting and when he realizes that feelings have been hurt, goes to his fallback phrase "I was just joking!". I used to think that he was just being hateful but have realized most of the time he simply doesn't get it. He says things that he KNOWS will piss me off then wonders what I'm upset about. When he gets upset, he will posture in a way that some would think was aggressive but mostly isn't. After he's made me angry and I'm trying to walk away with the obvious "I will hurt you" body language, he will try to continue the argument.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
Pasa, that would be the Aspie part of our son. He has never been officially diagnosed but we are certain that he is high functioning Asperger's. We just didn't realize it until it was too late to do anything about.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
Jabber, When you guys talk about your son and his antics, I could have written those posts about mine. The picture of your son at the traffic light could be a picture of mine. That's how much they resemble each other( other than my son is biracial).
I wonder if any of my son's many mental health professionals ever picked up on it and never mentioned it. Do his reactions to certain situations sometimes seem out of place for the situation?
I wonder if any of my son's many mental health professionals ever picked up on it and never mentioned it. Do his reactions to certain situations sometimes seem out of place for the situation?
Lil
Well-Known Member
Oh Pasa - that is the KING of understatements. Our son has always been the most dramatic person I know. ALWAYS. This is a kid who overreacts to ANY negative situation. If he has plans and his friends cancel, does he just come up with something else to do? No, his day is ruined, his friends are all a-holes, no one EVER wants to hang out with him, he has nothing and no one and his life is over!
If he's happy about something, even just Game of Thrones being on again after the season hiatus...he's literally grinning and dancing in his chair. If he's unhappy, his whole life is bleak and meaningless. If he's angry it's time to stomp and scream and put his fist through a wall.
Overreaction is his way of life.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
Yep. I must have stirred the hornets nest. Mine just texted me.
Him: What's up?
Me: Get to the point.
Him: Mom can you take me to look at apartments?
Me: You are living in one now.
Him: There is a lot of things wrong with it?
Me: Get to the point. I don't like when you beat around the bush. What are you really asking me to do?
Him: You never want to help me. You are the worst mother ever.
Me: Hmmmm. You are right. I am the worst mother ever. so now you know what my response is going to be.
Him: I hate you!
Me: Thank's for texting.
Him: What's up?
Me: Get to the point.
Him: Mom can you take me to look at apartments?
Me: You are living in one now.
Him: There is a lot of things wrong with it?
Me: Get to the point. I don't like when you beat around the bush. What are you really asking me to do?
Him: You never want to help me. You are the worst mother ever.
Me: Hmmmm. You are right. I am the worst mother ever. so now you know what my response is going to be.
Him: I hate you!
Me: Thank's for texting.
