What is he doing?

[1905]

In other words, she knows she's pregnant. She'd take the test if she had no idea whatsoever. Your sister can't ignore this, but instead treat her as if it's verified and a fact. Like saying things like, "You do know xxx isn't good for the baby?" Anyone would take it just to prove it false. When I was in college I had this friend, she had another friend I never met, but my friend SWORE this girl was pregnant. She was going to "drop by " my house with this girl to she what I thought. I assumed I was going to meet someone who was maybe 4 months pregnant, maybe. When I opened the door, this woman who was 8 1/2 months pregnant was there...fully pregnant!! CLEARLY!! I said to her, "When are you due?" She told me she was an accountant. (?) (Other people must have asked her this as well) I told my friend of course this lady is pregnant, but she really didn't know either way. Well, ..two weeks later she had a stomach ache and went to the ER after 24 hours of this, where she first found out she was pregnant and directly had a baby. The baby's father was a successful veterinarian and her own dad was a doctor! How did no one know? I knew and only met her for 5 minutes and knew.
My point is, it's really not the right thing to ignore it. She needs information and prenatal care. This is truly a sad situation. Putting her head in the sand isn't gonna fix it. Maybe your sister as an outsider can be firm in a way no one else can.

 

[Jabberwockey]

My point is, it's really not the right thing to ignore it. She needs information and prenatal care.

And they will probably continue to ignore instead of taking my sisters advice. Its on them.

 

[Lil]

I'm sure sis will broach the subject again after a bit more time has passed. On the up side, the girlfriend doesn't even smoke cigarettes. Her biggest vice appears to be drinking a Coke every day...and my son.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Copabanana]

Oh Pasa - that is the KING of understatements. Our son has always been the most dramatic person I know. ALWAYS. This is a kid who overreacts to ANY negative situation.

Mine too, Lil and PASA.

 

[Tanya M]

He had two other children before my son...one with an ex-wife and one with a girlfriend...and supported none of them.

Lil, I think my ex and your ex are related. My ex has 3 other children with 3 different women and took care of none of them.

I really hope the girlfriend is not pregnant. They can't take care of themselves very well and to bring a baby into it. Well it just goes without saying.

When my son got out of prison and hubby and I set him up in a house telling him he just needed to get a job, that we wanted to help him get his life back on track. We bought him a cell phone so he could put that number on job apps. Well, he used the phone to call some kind of chat line where you meet people. Within 2 months of getting out jail he had met a girl. I had a long talk with him about being responsible if he had sex. He told me "don't worry mom, I will be careful, I'm not ready to be a dad"
It was about 6 weeks later that he called me to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant. I lost it!! I started crying and he then went on to tell me "I can't believe you're not happy for me"

I know just how you feel.

((HUGS))

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

If I could have known the way I would love my first grand, I would have celebrated her conception and those months before her birth. As it was, I was horrified. I was so angry; so resentful. All those long, long months, I could not pull myself out of my outrage that this was happening, that this was going to be my daughter's life.

Either way, the baby was coming.

I wish I had known how much I would love her; I wish I had celebrated every moment of her gestation.

Oh, I did all the right things while daughter was pregnant with my granddaughter, but in my heart I was so resentful.

I wish I had known how I would come to love that child.

It would have helped me, with the hurt of it; with the finality of the pregnancy.

Cedar

 

[Tanya M]

If I could have known the way I would love my first grand, I would have celebrated her conception and those months before her birth. As it was, I was horrified. I was so angry

I feel the same way Cedar.

My granddaughter turns 8 on Monday. I can't imagine her or my grandson not being in my life.

After my son abandoned my daughter in law and the kids I remained close with her, helping out, buying clothes, diapers and food.
She divorced my son and has moved on, now re-married and has a new daughter who I consider my grandchild as well.

 

[Lil]

If I could have known the way I would love my first grand, I would have celebrated her conception and those months before her birth.

I can't imagine her or my grandson not being in my life.

I don't know how I feel about this yet. I mean, we're not 100% sure she is pregnant, so we may even be jumping the gun. That's why we're waiting for confirmation before we do anything. I'm not that angry...at least not at the girl. I'm sad. I didn't want this. I didn't want to be a grandmother for years yet. I certainly didn't want to be a grandmother of a child who's mother I've never even met!

And I didn't intend to meet her! Not unless he asked us to come meet her. Maybe at the holidays when the family gets together. Before they moved in with sis, I thought, maybe we'd take them out to dinner for Thanksgiving. Maybe we'd meet them for Xmas and feed them and give them gifts... But now? How do I stay uninvolved. I WANT to stay uninvolved. What kind of person doesn't want to be a part of this?

Jabber said the other day something about having to meet her parents eventually...and what bad people they will think we are. That we're the parents of the young man who got their 18 year old daughter pregnant is bad enough. We're the parents who threw him out and made him homeless. We raised a person who is bad enough his own parents won't have him at home. What must they think of him? What must they think of us? I mean...WE know we tried to be good parents...but let's face it folks, people who didn't raise kids like ours, they don't understand. Most people think "bad kids" come from bad homes, bad people, bad parents. And in our case, he literally met her on the internet, came and got her right before her 18th birthday, and ran off with her and then knocked her up! I mean, that's a awful way to look at it...but if I were her father - I'd hate him with every fiber of my being!

Then there's the fact that we don't want to support him...can't support him if he's ever going to change...so how do we do anything for her if they're together? How do we give to her and the baby without him benefiting from it? I can see the day when I get the phone call: We're homeless! We're in the cold! We're starving! What about L? What about the baby? You HAVE to help! What kind of person doesn't help a baby? I can see HER calling and asking for stuff...If they break up, do we send her money? It's HIS job to support the child, not ours. Will we ever even see this child? Will she even let us know when it's born?

I am filled with sadness and apprehension and confusion.

 

[Jabberwockey]

The real problem here is that we are fairly certain that, baby or not, they wont be staying together. She will eventually realize that he is using her and doesnt truly love her. When that day happens will she even want us in the childs life? I may be wrong. He may truly love her, but right now he isnt willing to give up his chosen lifestyle for her. If a baby comes that may change for the better. It may also make him want to run away screaming. When she is 8 months pregnant and still working while he isnt, how will she react? The simple fact of the matter is that we are just dealing with entirely too many "what if's" to have ANY idea what the outcome of this may be, pregnant or not.

 

[Tanya M]

I completely understand why you are filled with so much emotion right now. First and foremost is confirmation that she is pregnant.

As for what her parents will think of you that's on them. If they have to opportunity to meet you in person and get to know you I don't see how they could think anything bad of you. I've never met you in person but I know that you and Jabber are good, honest, hardworking people.

I also worried about meeting my daughter in law's parents. My concerns mirrored yours. They are lovely people and they do not harbor any ill feelings towards me or my husband. We send each other Christmas cards.
They appreciate that I keep the grandkids best interest at heart.

I know for me, I used to harbor so much shame where my son was concerned. I always worried about what other people would think and the classic "Freudian" assumption to blame the mother. It took time to move past that. I had to keep reminding myself that while I was not a perfect parent I set a good example for my son, he was taught right from wrong and lived in a very stable environment. I did not cause him to make the poor choices he did. I decided that if people were going to judge me by the life choices my son has made then I don't need or want them in my life.

Who knows what the future will hold for them. Try not to project to much out there. I know, easier said than done.
Hopefully the truth will be revealed soon.

 

[TerryJ2]

OMG, so many of us are or have been in the same boat.
WTH are these kids in such denial? When it's just common sense to use protection? If you're not having sex, you can still be on the pill. I saved my daughter's ego by telling her that it would help with cramps and a heavy flow. She brightened up when she heard that. "It will? Okay!"
Wish there were a pill for guys. Someday ...