What is he doing?

[Jabberwockey]

Would the aunt take her to get checked for pregnancy and on birth control SOON if she is not?

That's her current plan. Going to get an over the counter test this weekend but going to take her to the clinic next week. yay

 

[Lil]

And if not, immediately on birth control.

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[pasajes4]

I don't know what to say about girlfriend possibly being pregnant. Your sister sister in law is doing an amazing job holding the line. It helps that she does not have the emotional connection that a parent would have.

 

[BusynMember]

The less money he has in his pocket.....the less he has to spend on weed and such.

This is why we stopped all money with daughter when she used. She did get a job, and did a good job at her job, even after using more than pot. But it wasn't us giving her the money, at least, and she didn't get to work in our car. She had to do everything herself after we saw we could not help her...that she did not want help. It did have a good ending.

I was with Daughter this weekend and she talked about her quitting for the first time and, although she and her boyfriend (who knew her at the time) were laughing about it, she said it took a week for her to detox. She did it herself. She took meth, much worse than weed.

So anyone can quit. If they really want to, they will do it. And anyone, even those you feel are lost, CAN decide "I've had enough" which is what finally drove my daughter. She told me (and this made me cringe) that in Wisconsin she had been the "go to" person in the area for speed of any kind. I sort of gulped. Until last night I hadn't known that. And then when she tried to quit, people threatened her because she had been their.....connection. So she went to Illinois and did not seek out others who were doing drugs and quit and it's been twelve years. She is near thirty now and this all happened at nineteen. She used from thirteen to nineteen.

I thought she'd die or end up in prison. I was beside myself.

It didn't happen.

Anyone's adult child can say "ENOUGH" and turn it around. Remember that.

 

[BusynMember]

He's already complaining about his back hurting. She's the wrong one to complain to, as she's had two back surgeries and still works. She told him, "Oh I understand, mine hurt too today. I sucked it up and went about my day." She told them, if they have brains they'll stay 6 months and leave with a good amount of money. None of us actually foresee that happening.

Lil, honestly, this brings back a kind of cynically funny memory.

When I was about 55, I volunteered at the humane society in the cat room and it was hard physical labor. Often we had to climb the cat cages to get the cats that were in cages on the top of the cat room. There were three levels of cat cages. Many 20 somethings were also (cough) volunteering mostly because they were forced to do community service. Trust me, it wasn't for love of the cats.

There was me and one other older person volunteering and we did all the heavy work while the 20 sometimes held their backs and whined and moaned about back pain and "bad backs" and bad knees and the sniffles and a sore on their finger. I never heard that much health-related whining. It was worse than sitting in the lobby of a nursing home.

Of course, they did the easy cages, the ones on the ground and middle rows. And t hey did it slowly, clenching teeth, moaning, it was comical. Me and other older lady went in break room for coffee and were sadly laughing, if you know what that means.

I'm 62 and have to stand up for five straight hours at work, lift heavy items, pull down heavy and light items, work very fast and my back pulls at me so I take Tylenol in the morning and at lunch. It's not a big deal.

The kids who work with me don't use bad backs to complain. They'd be fired.

Lil, sorry...it brought back the humane society cat room to me. Honestly, it was morbidly fascinating.

 

[Lil]

The worst part of this whole thing? If she is pregnant, I have no faith she can depend on him. I truly feel that he is ruining this girl's life, and playing out his own biological father's life in the process. He had two other children before my son...one with an ex-wife and one with a girlfriend...and supported none of them. We didn't keep in touch with his side of the family after Jabber adopted him. My son doesn't even know he has two half-sisters. It just kind of never came up...we never spoke of his biological father much after he was very young. My sister in law said that the girlfriend said she was sure she could be a better mother than hers was...I keep thinking over and over, she's going to be an uneducated welfare mother. Is this how my grandchild will be raised?

I didn't sleep well. I kept dreaming of him. Tonight I'm just kind of sad.

 

[in a daze]

here was me and one other older person volunteering and we did all the heavy work while the 20 sometimes held their backs and whined and moaned about back pain and "bad backs" and bad knees and the sniffles and a sore on their finger. I never heard that much health-related whining. It was worse than sitting in the lobby of a nursing home.

Hahaa....brings back memories. Difficult Child started complaining about back pain at age 23 while working his very part time job as a security guard. Now this was a pretty cool job, at concert venues and Chicago Bears games. Not much to do but stand around, etc. Sent him to orthosurgeon who ordered physical therapy.

Maybe too much time in front of the electronics? Deconditioning? Don't know. No more complaints recently, even though he spends 5 hours a day on his feet.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Lack of physical conditioning, poor posture, he wont even sit up when he's in a chair. That and its a convenient excuse for him not to work.

 

[Lil]

He does actually have scoliosis, which they said would make him more prone to back pain. He's in no way disabled...but it isn't a total lie. His back probably does hurt, which would be helped greatly if he exercised.

 

[TerryJ2]

This is so perfect for all of our difficult children ... ""He's my only child, and I won't help him because none of the help we've given has ever changed things."

It breaks my heart. WTH can we DO?
I'm thinking that if I raised my son in the Grand Canyon wilderness on horseback, he would have found a way to deal peyote. There is just nothing I can do, short of locking him in a cave.

I hear you, Lil. So very sad.

 

[in a daze]

I'm thinking that if I raised my son in the Grand Canyon wilderness on horseback, he would have found a way to deal peyote. There is just nothing I can do, short of locking him in a cave.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/what-is-he-doing.61084/page-4#ixzz3mzzhI4O8

Yep. Completely agree. It's nature more than nurture, and we have to change the way we respond to them, or things will get way worse.

You're doing great, Terry, amid very challenging circumstances. We have your back!

 

[Proudmama888]

I truly think I am more worried about him alienating the whole family, one aunt at a time. I'm worried that in a few months it'll be Christmas and he'll be shivering on the streets, because he's burned all his bridges with everyone, and we'll be jetting off to Vegas...and I'll feel all guilty about it.

Why the heck am I starting to worry about stuff happening three months from now? I guess I just want my family back the way it was before he became ... this. I don't actually know what's gotten into me today.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I am the exact same way. I tend to "awfulize" everything. I get myself so worked up worrying about my daughter on the streets. Especially now that it's getting colder... The only thing I can say is what everyone tells me; our addicted children are very resourceful & that they may have to hit rock bottom before they get that they need help.

 

[Lil]

The only thing I can say is what everyone tells me; our addicted children are very resourceful & that they may have to hit rock bottom before they get that they need help.

Mine isn't addicted as far as I know, he's just...useless.

We didn't hear anything yet about whether or not girlfriend is pregnant. I'm not sure no news is good news. SIS may be trying to get him to tell us...but since she took the initiative to tell us and girlfriend's father she thinks (99% sure) she is, I don't see her waiting for anything but confirmation from a doctor.

I'm having one of those, "How the hell did it turn out this way?" moments. I expected him to be adult enough to at least use condoms...especially after having gone through childbirth with another girlfriend (when the baby wasn't even his!) but more than anything I expected to be happy about a grandchild. I expected him to be settled. I expected I'd at least MEET the mother first!

Instead, I'm just sad.

 

[AppleCori]

We really need a 'sad commiseration' rating.

 

[AppleCori]

And been there done that one, too.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Well, we heard from my sister last night. The girlfriend refused to take the test, stating that she had started her period the day before even though the trash is conveniently clear of evidence and the tampon box remains unopened. girlfriend apparently gave my sister some attitude about taking the test. Firmly in denial I guess. Time will tell.

 

[AppleCori]

Well, then, it is the right time to start on birth control, right? Shouldn't she get in to the clinic while she is pregnancy-free (if indeed this is the case)?

 

[Jabberwockey]

Shouldn't she get in to the clinic while she is pregnancy-free (if indeed this is the case)?

Yes she should, but to do so would be to either admit to the possibility of or, as it probably is, that she is already pregnant. She is apparently in full denial mode which means she is in full on teenager "That wont ever happen to ME!" mode.

My sister believes that she is pregnant, and since my sister managed to hide her first pregnancy from the entire family while living at home, probably has it correct.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My sister believes that she is pregnant, and since my sister managed to hide her first pregnancy from the entire family while living at home, probably has it correct.

My sister did the same exact thing - at 14!! She went on to have 6 more (youngest just turned 3) and her oldest has just had baby #3 by baby daddy #3...(why yes my family is QUITE dysfunctional)

 

[Jabberwockey]

My sisters first husband, the father of her three, was very much a Difficult Child. My grandmother surprised us by stating that she didn't like him and that she should leave him, he was no good. I always swore that my Grandma could have found good in Charles Manson. Obviously, I was mistaken!