What's happening to me in detachment...

[Childofmine]

Cedar, you see the best of me. Thank you. It WAS a good time in the car with him. He seems sober and fairly quiet and not asking for anything from me. I am not sure about his state of mind but we are able to sit there with each other and there is not the back and forth of the past.

That is good.

I haven't heard from him since then, but I have been relaxed about that (for now).

I am very thankful to be super busy with work and school. I had class last night and have a big homework assignment due next Monday night. Lots of work to do this week, many balls in the air. Not this weekend, but next, I am meeting two girlfriends at a river house for the weekend. We are going to get massages, sit and talk, drink wine, go out to dinner. We went to high school together, so lots of loving history there.

So, I am working to let it all go with my precious difficult child. I just hope he is safe and somehow finding his own way, whatever that means.

Thanks Cedar for seeing good in this. You help me see more good in it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

But Cedar, your son is still unloading all of his resentments and angers onto you and husband. That hasn't changed yet.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

That is true, Recovering. But lately, I have been thinking that what they do ~ whichever they it is this time...how does that matter, to me? I expect good things. Life is chaotic, strange, all about the storyline. All about the storyline, Recovering. (That's Pema.) :O) After this last few days with difficult child daughter, I think it is important that I work some more on myself. That is where the change needs to happen. I want to respect myself enough that no one ~ not my kids, not my mom or sister ~ can casually disrespect me without a reaction. The reaction should be: I felt that was rude. Do you feel that was rude? When I did that with my mom on husband's behalf, she hung up.

Her choice.

She could have made a different choice.

Not in my power, to change how she chooses to respond. But I do see that her response had no connection to my own tender, vulnerable heart.

It was just her response.

My business is to comment on rudeness, or on things I find inappropriate. As it is here on the site, we do clarify our issues. We are honest with one another. Sometimes, we are angry and that spills over. If one of us were consistently inappropriate, that would be understood, and our reactions would reflect that.

It is an exercise in learning my own voice, to speak in that way. I admired COM's ability to be honest with her son. I want to be that way, with mine. I go too far the other way, I think. What I told him was that I expected him to become the man I raised him to be. I wish I had been kinder, gentler, more honest. I sort of shut communication down. I do not know yet how to be honest without being a little defensive, I think.

Arrogance is never attractive.

That is what I meant, when I posted that old resentments come flaring out even though we cannot see it that way at the time. We are being so much nicer than we feel!

I wish I had been kinder. But that's okay. I can see how I want to go, so that will be a guideline for me in future.

Speaking of setting boundaries? I have been doing that very thing with husband this evening.

That is why I am on the site after 5:30.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Hmmm.... And in reading through the gentleness and honesty in your interactions with your son, I see the anger and judgment in my interactions with my own son.

Cedar, I didn't feel gentle and honest when I was saying those things. I felt honest and a little mean. But I have not gone over and over it, wishing I said something different, etc. I feel okay about what I said. I was direct, that is for sure. Maybe it teetered into mean...I don't know. I hope not.

I am not used to truth-telling with him because I have held back for so so long. I have been afraid that if I started I wouldn't ever stop and I would end up saying very hurtful things to him that I don't want to say.

On the one hand I do want to say them because all of this is so freakin' ridiculous and horrible, and on the other he has a terrible disease and he has done a lot of things within that disease. Maybe....just maybe... he is starting to regret or question or feel bad about now (or not, but I do sense a different presence about him). I think he is a perfectionist and is really hard on himself on one level and very arrogant and grandiose on another level. Like the arrogance is a mask for the deep lack of confidence and value, but I don't know if that is right or not. SO says maybe not so maybe I can't or don't see him as he is. It is so hard to know.

But........keeping all of my thoughts and feelings inside has not been good for me. And I am taking a page from your book about setting my aspirations for him out there without those aspirations becoming expectations.

I have always said I love you and I know you have everything you need as a person to create a great life for yourself, and then I have named his attributes as I see them: persistence, intelligence (common sense and intellectual smarts), great work ethic (when he wants to), great sense of humor, beautiful smile (he does but not sure he really likes hearing that. When he smiles his whole face lights up), kindness.

But I have not said, you were raised better than this and you can be better than this. I have not said, it's time for you to become a man. It's time for you to take care of yourself.

Last night, SO (who is out of town on business) asked me if I have heard from him since Friday and I said no. He said well that is good. He is not bugging you all the time for stuff. I said, do you really think that is good? I meant: good for him. I know it's good for me.

For the first time in years, really, he is not "somewhere" and I can be okay with it---he is out there in the world without guardrails around him and I am detached from that for the most part.

Like Echo said a while back, I am getting better and better at letting go of not knowing who, what, when, where and how about him. No news is good news...pretty much.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I felt honest and a little mean.

It is true that the kind of honesty we are requiring of ourselves now seems really cold. And while we don't know how this new way of being with our kids will turn out, we do know that the other ways we have tried to help them only made things worse. Probably the worst thing about enabling is that pattern we get into of burying resentment. It seems like we tell the good story, the everything is going to be alright this time story, so much that the reality feels like a double betrayal.

It is harder to love them where they are from where we are. Before we can be honest with them, we have to face our own feelings about them, and about ourselves in relation to our difficult children. I find this to be really difficult. I get all tangled up.

It is a practice.

I am doing the best I know.

For today. I am doing the best I know, for today.

I am not used to truthtelling with him because I haveheld back for so so long.

Me, too.

It feels like I have been slipping into and out of detachment mindset while I wasn't looking. It is a really hard thing to keep the focus on what the right path is, to reach for healthy when all the old behaviors are automatic and feel right. Not risky, not mean. I too concentrate on the quality of a smile, on the flashes of my real son I see in the grown man.

********

I agree that part of the reason it is so hard to walk through this part is that the anger and resentment feel like an ocean held back by the thinnest, most transparent, membrane.

Recovering? You were right.

Cedar

 

[nlj]

It is true that the kind of honesty we are requiring of ourselves now seems really cold. And while we don't know how this new way of being with our kids will turn out, we do know that the other ways we have tried to help them only made things worse.
Cedar

Yes.
It's scary though.
And if this new way turns out the same as the other ways, I'm not sure where I go from here.
One day at a time. One step at a time.

 

[Albatross]

I think something I really struggle with is that honesty with my difficult child can have some very unintended consequences. There is a saying in Al-Anon, I can't remember exactly how it goes, but basically it is the idea of letting our loved one bear the consequences of their choices but don't CREATE circumstances that we know will lead to painful consequences. For my difficult child at least, though he is a grown man, he reacts to any sort of criticism (or sometimes even the most benign interest) more like a moody teenager, and I can anticipate some sort of self-destructive reaction. So I am less than honest because I know what the end result will be. I suppose I can look back and wonder, maybe if I had been MORE honest with him over the years he would be less reactive (but maybe not). It is a fine line to walk, being honest without being cruel, being loving but not rescuing, being supportive without being all "attaboy," etc.

 

[Childofmine]

Here is my issue with honesty and where I have gotten twisted up in truth-talking in the past:

He has a brain disease, a mental illness, called addiction. He can't help that. The disease itself is characterized by so many negative traits, including denial. My being mad at him because he has the disease and all that comes with it would be mean.

Watching him and listening to him---use, steal, get fired, go to jail, be homeless, be high, rationalize, defend, lie about, blame, live into---that disease is part of the disease process but it is infuriating to be a part of and a witness to, for me. I am cycling through the stages of grief over and over again, faster and faster as time goes on: denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

I want to shake him into next year to shake some sense into him. Of course, that wouldn't work.

It seems so clear: You have a problem and you will die if you don't get help to stop it. But it's not, to him.

Oh, I spent a lot of time and energy up against that brick wall. Didn't work.

So I'm speaking English and he's speaking Greek. We can't even talk to each other because he can't hear me and I can't stand to hear him. It's a total disconnect. Finally, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of THAT.

So then, I say nothing but I still want to have a relationship (if you want to call it that) because I love him. So, I just push it all down and down and down. Resentment (anger, fear, despair, grief) that builds and builds. It's gonna blow!

That doesn't work, in time. I'm getting sicker and sicker. And there is no relationship anyway. I'm talking about what, the weather? I did that for a while, too.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I have to detach. I just can't do that surface stuff anymore, it's so surreal, so bizarre, while I am watching him self-destruct.

I have to have distance and space, detachment. I tell him don't call me except one day a week for 10 minutes and if you keep coming to my door and texting me relentlessly, I will get a restraining order. I finally tell him and I finally mean it.

And then I have distance and space. And in that distance and space my anger begins to dissipate. At least for now. It is replaced by a growing clearer-eyed acceptance of what is. That THIS may always be what is. Okay, at first that is not a good feeling at all, but okay, I start to try it on for size, and it doesn't absolutely kill me.

As I get start getting used to that as a possibility, I can start to let go even more. And then, now, slowly, I can start to really talk to him again. I am able to say things to him that I really mean and believe. Not everything. But some things.

That is where I am right now. And I'll tell you, it is not bad. In fact, I don't like any of the circumstances surrounding his situation right now (as far as I know) but me, I am really pretty good. Just for today.

I'm sure this feeling can be gone in a puff. I haven't heard from him since last Friday, this time. But I have seen the little green light by his name on FB a couple of times since Friday, and you know, that truly is enough for me.

I can't believe I am in this place, right now, but I am profoundly grateful for being here.

 

[Childofmine]

Alb, it's "don't create a crisis." And we can do that with confrontation and getting in their face and asking a lot of questions (that we already know the answers, to, really) and demanding and pushing and trying to control and manage.

I've been afraid of that too. I didn't want to MAKE something bad happen. For goodness sake, it's already bad enough.

But I do believe we can walk a line of quiet truth-telling, just a bit at first, just our toe in the water. Just writing it down, as I did for months. I would read it right off the page. I didn't trust myself to say anything else in the heat of the moment (my heat, not his).

Now, I am venturing away from a script. I am testing now, my own ability to say something true, but quietly, directly, firmly not yelling or in his face.

We'll see, Alb. This is new territory for me.

 

[Albatross]

Yes! That's it! Don't create a crisis! Thanks COM!

 

[Childofmine]

I wanted to give you an update on difficult child: Yesterday his phone came in the mail (not sure if state or fed. govt. provides this when you are on food stamps, but it is one of those) and so I FBed him this morning and said I can bring this to you. He responded and I took it to the day shelter. He got in the car for what is becoming our customary 10-minute conversation about once a week or so.

Friends, it went well for me. He saw his PO yesterday. He said the PO "doesn't like him being homeless." ...."In fact, Mom, he asked me are you sure your parents won't help you? No I said. And then he said, well give me your mom's number and I'll call her right now. I told him, Mom, that no, I don't think you better do that. It's not a good idea. And it won't change anything." difficult child said it a little sheepishly with a kind of knowing chuckle.

I said, "Well, that's interesting."

And so it went.

He eats dinner every night at the SA (I didn't know that, just learned that today) and then can eat bfast and lunch at the day shelter. Weekends a church in town has Saturday morning breakfast and another church has Sunday morning breakfast, he said. He is planning to sell his car and use that money to get a cheap vehicle plus some months of insurance, as he found out he still has his license and it isn't suspended for not paying his fines. He said his PO is getting his fines reduced to $15 a month. Somebody helped him with his resume last week and is helping him with jobs. Another somebody is getting him an interview with a halfway house on the phone soon. He "may" see if he can go back to the SA. His PO said it's hard to get a job without the employer knowing that you have reliable transportation, so that is why he is trying to sell his car and get something else.

(Car was in pristine condition when we found it several years ago, a gray Camry. He has completely trashed it and wrecked it multiple times. It now runs, but needs an O2 sensor and a headlight.)

Anyway, I said, "Well it sounds like you have a lot of good plans, and I'm sure you can make it happen honey."

Then we hugged, said I love you and I left.

I felt good. I stayed out of the way for the most part (I did ask a few questions, ugh) and I didn't feel the need to do anything.

He looked good and he sounded good, except he is "tired." He said last night he slept by himself in a downtown parking garage in the corner with two bookcases moved together.

You know, I didn't get upset at that. It's a lot warmer now and I can let that go.

And so it goes friends. I feel I have made a lot of progress and I am praying some of the things he talked about actually happen for him. You just never know.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh COM, I am so happy you're in a good place. And, it does sound as if your son is making progress too. You continue to make healthy choices and walk courageously down this difficult path. I know how much it hurts our hearts and even though it hurts, we motor on. Good job.

This detachment thing is the hardest thing I have ever done, without exception. And, yet the fruits of the learning are profound and they have encompassed the whole of my life. As I've changed with my daughter, my life has changed dramatically. Have you noticed changes throughout the rest of your life separate from your son?

You have made great progress. Celebrate. Do something especially kind for yourself today. Have a wonderful day COM, I will be thinking about you and your son and sending you good thoughts for more progress for both of you.

 

[Albatross]

Wow COM, I have to say I am very impressed with his forward progress. I know not to attach a whole bunch of stuff to that, but for today it sounds like he is stepping up and making some realistic plans.

I was already impressed with your progress.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

COM, where do you think your son would be today if you had allowed him to come home, if you had never changed the nature of your interactions? I am impressed with the nature of his progress reports. It sounds like he has taken the role of protector of his own life and status. From his rueful acceptance of his current state of homelessness, I am wondering whether, in some corner of his heart, your difficult child understands why things need to be as they are.

It sounds like he is doing well. Floundering a little at first, sure ~ but beginning to take responsibility for himself.

Do you feel this is true, COM?

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

OM, where do you think your son would be today if you had allowed him to come home, if you had never changed the nature of your interactions? I am impressed with the nature of his progress reports. It sounds like he has taken the role of protector of his own life and status. From his rueful acceptance of his current state of homelessness, I am wondering whether, in some corner of his heart, your difficult child understands why things need to be as they are.
It sounds like he is doing well. Floundering a little at first, sure ~ but beginning to take responsibility for himself.
Do you feel this is true, COM?

Cedar, I am cautiously optimistic. Very, very cautiously. That is for me. He does seem rueful and his facial expressions are wry. Do you know what i mean? It is like he is starting to get it. He is starting to be more truthful. I don't know. I don't want to get too invested in what he is thinking, feeling, and doing. That is up to him. If I start thinking about that too much, it isn't good for me.

I want to keep the focus on myself.

I wanted to give you another update on him because he called Saturday and wanted to know if he could come over and see if his car would start. He is going to put his car on Craigslist and sell it and then buy something cheaper.

He walked over here and SO and I were working the yard, beautiful day, so he ended up helping SO pull a big bush out that had roots to China! He had to hook it to the truck and pull it out and even then there was a lot of digging and chopping of big roots. They worked together about an hour and a half. I left them alone and did my own thing.

But it was so good to look over there and see him. See him working hard and talking to SO. : )

Then we all three went down to where his car is being stored in a fenced area in my neighborhood and worked for a while to try to start it. SO is really good with cars but it would not start. They talked about next steps.

Then we came back to the house and he took a shower and I made him a pbj sandwich and then I took him to the library about 4:30. That was the hard part for me, knowing that he had nowhere to stay that night. Ugh.

But I did okay. I was able to put it aside and SO and I went out to eat and we were thankfully so so tired that we both slept great and long.

Physical work helps me so much to manage my emotions.

difficult child seemed quieter, more humble, more mature. I don't want to read too much into it but we talked about his plans to get his taxes done, the car, a job, a place to live. He has a lot to do today if he does all of the things we talked about. He also said he is going back to the SA to see if he can stay there in the meantime. (I don't get WHY he hasn't done that already, but when I said that to SO, he smiled wryly. I guess it's because they drug-test them, right? That's me talking.) But you know what? that is none of my business. I'm not going to start getting into his business.

If he knows he will be drug tested or if he was and they turned him down, that's his deal. I am just working to stay focused on me, to say yes to reasonable things (always defining what is reasonable?) and to try to forge some kind of relationship with him as he walks on this road. I'm not going to walk it with him. I used to.

Yesterday I wanted to call/text him and say I have your coat washed. I bought you some socks. Want to come get them? But I didn't. I did both of those things and I am just waiting.

SO said I saw where Captain D's is hiring kitchen help, all three shifts. Do you think you should FB message difficult child and tell him? I said no.

It was good to see him Friday and Saturday both, but I need to go slow. I am being very careful with myself and with him.

Thanks for all of your support and care. It helps!

 

[Childofmine]

I wanted to give you all an update about difficult child. I haven't seen him since the Saturday (a week ago last Saturday so about 10 days) when he was here helping SO dig in the yard.

I went out of town with girlfriends this weekend (it was great!) and he texted me saying that he got the $40 he needs to get his license but did we have any more yard work for him to do. I told him I was out of town and we texted back and forth a little more.

Then he texted yesterday to say he thinks he has a job. Today, he said he starts Monday, building pallets at a company here in town. They have a Website and it sounds like a company that has the owner's faith as part of their culture. I am wondering if the owner is in recovery.

In any event, I didn't ask many questions but said, Congratulations and that's cool. I kept it on the down-low.

And then I went and baked peanut butter and jelly bars and nearly went out and bought him t-shirts and boxers (he barely has any of both) as a you-got-a-new-job! Present.

And then I got hold of myself and slowed down. I still have the bars, and I'm going to get them to him and take some clean clothes and go by to see him Friday, possibly.

I didn't ask him if he has a place to live.

I am glad for him, of course, and I am hopeful that this is a good first step for him. As my dear mother said when I told her, 'Oh good, I am so glad, I just hope he knows what to do to keep the job."

I do believe with all my heart that the space we are all giving him is allowing him to do things on his own, at his own pace, in his own way. He is learning, and that is what it takes (like it does for all of us).

I am good. I am very busy with grad school and work and my blog, plus exercise and SO. Life is good. I am very grateful today.

Thanks to all of you and hugs.

 

[Albatross]

That's great news, COM! I so agree with what you say about giving him that space, and I love that you took that deep breath -- even in the middle of peanut butter and jelly bars!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

They have a Website and it sounds like a company that has the owner's
faith as part of their culture. I am wondering if the owner is in recovery.

I do believe with all my heart that the space we are all giving him is
allowing him to do things on his own, at his own pace, in his own way. He islearning, and that is what it takes (like it does for all of us).

I believe that too, COM. That the space you made around him helped him sort things out on his own, and that the way you love him, open and strong, showed him you were not afraid for him. You had to learn to put your trust in him to do the right thing, instead of him turning to you to see what direction that right thing was in.

Those are huge changes in the pattern.

It is harder to make that space where they can follow their own paths than it is to create one for them. Letting them go, letting them fall and come back on their own is a whole different way of loving them.

I am so happy for you both.

It may not be all smooth sailing from here. But no one can ever take what he has already accomplished away from him.

That is his, now, that knowledge.

I wish it were not so hard for the parents...but then, we are learning, too.

Good job, COM.

Wishing both of you continued respect for one another, whatever comes for your son next. You have done beautifully so far, COM. I know what that cost you.

Special prayer going up for you both.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

we are learning, too.

And that is it, Cedar. The Big It. The crux of the matter.

When we are working hard on our learning, so hard, we can't focus on fixing somebody.

I am reading Pema Chodron's Living with Uncertainty. I am skipping all around as the chapters are short. I can see that the book will become a reference for me, like Boundaries and CoDependent No More and many of my Al-Anon books are.

It just makes so much sense.

Reading and writing and praying and being busy and my once-a-week Sunday morning Al-Anon meeting and weekends with girlfriends and working in the yard and getting rid of 40 items a day in my house....all of these things....are my tools of change.

I am so grateful.

Last night SO and I took two carloads of house items to my friend's consignment shop here in town. She has the best shop with all kinds of very good home decor things, furniture, etc. I have bought many things over the years from her for my house.

We sat and visited with her in the shop for a while. I was taking four very cool chairs back to her shop that I had bought about six years ago, from the same place. A full circle. I love those chairs so much and just kept thinking there would a some place for them but they have been waiting for their place for six years. And there will be more chairs. Later.

One of our other friends stopped by (the shop was closed, she opened just to get our stuff) and I was able to tell her about the blog. I knew this other friend would love the idea and she did. She just couldn't get over it and asked me a million questions. SO has been so supportive as I have spent so much time on it and he helps me run all around toting bags and boxes to the car, taking them to different places in town, Salvation Army, a program for women getting out of jail and transitioning back to the world, and to the consignment shop---plus the trusty trash bin! My bin is already full for the week and the trash people don't come until Monday!

The getting rid of is turning out to be such a spiritual and transforming practice. It is mystical.

Why do these things happen in our lives? How do they come just when we are ready for them? How can we not see them earlier?

It is mystical. I feel like such a different person today, even since January, when difficult child took the bus back here and went back to jail.

These are Holy Coincidences. This is not happenstance. I feel like God and I are a good team, these days. And I am very grateful for that.

Yes, anything can happen and things can turn on a dime. That is why I am keeping myself on the down-low, a bit separate, detached if you will, but wanting to be supportive, loving, encouraging and helpful (to me and to him).

 

[Childofmine]

What a difference two hours can make. I just received a call from Shreveport, Louisiana. My whole self flashed before my eyes before I picked up that phone. It was truly surreal and I was dizzy, physically dizzy.

difficult child was arrested last night and is in jail. I talked with him for the five minutes until the call cut off and then he called again and we talked another five minutes. He said he was in WalMart and was hungry and stole food and they arrested him.

Who knows if that is true and it honestly doesn't matter what happened.

The fact is, he is back in jail and according to the terms of his parole, he goes to prison for four years now.

Am I surprised? No. Am I going through the stages of grief? Yes. The only person I have called is SO, and we talked through it all. And I am posting here.

Then I am getting back to my day as I have already planned it.

He wants me to come and bail him out---says $200 is the bail. I said no.

I said everything that was in my mind and heart. At one point I was yelling. I was not mean but I was very clear and very direct. I told him he keeps doing the same thing over and over and over again because he won't accept and he won't admit that his way is not working. That he needs help. That he can't do it alone. That we love him so much and believe he can do anything and has the capacity to do make a good life. At one point he said, I know.

I told him this is the most frustrating thing I have ever done, to watch him do this. He said (first time I have heard this) that he talked to a recovery place that is Christian-based and when he told them he doesn't believe in God they told him the place would not be a good fit for him. That doesn't sound like it's totally true, but hey, maybe it is. I said it doesn't matter if it's a doorknob, you need to believe in something greater than yourself.

And you need to sit in 90 meetings in 90 days and stay there all night around the clock if you have to in order to hear and let in something new.

I told him I can tell you have made progress over the past few weeks. I can see it. But you are still doing the same things because you believe you CAN. And you can't.

I am not even sure at all I believe that he just stole food or that it was even WalMart. Who knows?

I am seeing that his journey has to continue down this path, it appears. He has not hit bottom and he is not going to hit it because of or despite anything I do or don't do. It is his show. He is the only one who can run his own show, him and God---if he lets God in to help him.

He is busy trying to get somebody, anybody to get him out so he can go to his PO and fall on his mercy. That may work and it may not, but I'm not going to be part of it.

He said I'll go to rehab if you will bail me out. Folks, that was/is a hard one, but I've been there done that and that doesn't work.

What an insane situation. What an insane disease. I hate this disease with all of my being. I hate the denial that prevents people from getting the help they need.

I just wanted you all to know. Please pray for me and for him. I know what to do. I am going to feel my feelings, cycle through the stages, use my tools and go on. I've done it before and I will do it again.

Sadly, I believed that he would not make it past 60 days because he hasn't been able to do that yet. It's what? April 3. He got out February 14. I hate to be right about something like this, but it is so predictable. So sad and so stupid.