When WE backslide

[BusynMember1]

Thank you for this, everyone.

I don't think Kay feels about Jaden the way I felt about her. She certainly has not shown any interest in being his mother. If so she would never have taken off to California (far, far away) in a camper. Their apartment was very cheap and if Kay had worked part time they could have managed IF they would have been motivated enough to get government benefits. But they are lazy and had no real concern about giving Jaden a roof over his head.

To think that Kay's biggest concern about Jaden is that he may get vaccinated breaks my heart. Jaden is so far behind his same age peers and will need assistance for years once he finally does get vaccinated and can go to school. And this assumes that Amy gets custody.

Fighting my daughter for custody of Jaden makes me ill, but it has to happen.

I do feel better today. I am watching the football games and was happy that the Chiefs won. We have family over. I am taking a needed break in the office. I will go back after I finish this. But I did want to get back to all of you kind folks. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It means a lot that others understand

 

[Beta]

My therapist once told me . You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You need to forgive yourself and move on. That always brought comfort to me. All of us made mistakes we are human but i believe there is something about our dcs that causes them to react differently. I am not sure that we will ever understand why. We have other children that did not respond the same way. None of us maliciously set out to cause the problems our dcs . please accept and forgive yourself but also know that there are many factors that contributed to the way things are and we can not control them. Please take care of yourselves if she comes after you don't hesitate to call police.

Well said. BusynMember, you did the very best you could. From the things you have said in previous posts, it sounds like you went WAAAAYY above and beyond to reach your daughter, almost to the point of destroying your marriage and your health. I agree that none of us will probably ever understand why our Difficult Child's react the way they do. Only God knows all the ins and outs of what went into creating the dysfunction and sickness in their minds and hearts.

I too don't really see the back-and-forth emotional swings as backsliding. These are our kids, and we can't "turn off" our feelings like we turn off the stove. For me at least, it's more like my feelings are on the back burner on a slow simmer, and most days I can live with that. It doesn't take much to get them started again though...a movie that shows a mother and son sharing a tender moment, a birthday, a memory sparked as I drive by a certain spot...and soon I am in full-blown FOG, plus a little grief thrown in...wondering what I could have done differently, whether I will ever see Son again...whether I even *WANT* to because I remember what happens when I do -- everything on the front burner at a furious boil and me trying to prevent the fire

I don't think we ever "get over" the emotions of what has happened to our kids. We just learn to live with it in some form of acceptance. Right now, I miss our son so badly but I don't know if I will ever see him again, and on some level, I'm not sure I want to see him. I do and I don't.
Forgive yourself and give yourself the grace of being a flawed, imperfect human being who did the best she could with what she knew at the time. Judging from what you've said about Kay, I don't think even the most perfect parent would have made any difference. I hope this helps in some way.

 

[ChickPea]

Lately, since Amy is consulting with a family lawyer about Jaden, I find myself feeling guilty about Kay again. Part of this is that she hasn't contacted me for so long that my life is peaceful and I am back to thinking about if she is really that bad or if I caused it. It's becoming more a blurred memory so I question me.

Absolutely I've been there. Like a boat rocking.
I hate how my husband and I rehash this as often as we do. Recently we've been saying, OK we've ran this one to death, now. Let's just conclude that we are not perfect, but are not at fault.

I've confessed my fears to my mother (just as you're doing now) and she tells me we did a rockstar job with a very difficult child while managing to raise multiple completely functional and emotionally stable children. Absolutely NOT tooting my horn, as I will always be my worst critic, and can't seem to take any credit for my functional children when people try to give it to me (because I want to say - YEAH YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT ELSE I RAISED!!!!! ). But for my mom (someone I completely respect the head on the shoulders) to say that, I have to allow myself to accept her words.

That's your kick in the pants.