Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude

[Scent of Cedar *]

That I cannot control. That is the key here.

Control is what moms do, Copa. We control ourselves, we control our children right down to toilet training and tooth development and braces and manners. They fight for their freedom, they figure it out and step into the adult world. But in all the world, most moms are still mom, whatever stage their children are in. They are not objectified or hated or ignored or insulted.

We are.

The addiction; the drug use they think has not affected them.

That is the problem, here.

I think this is true. With the loss of our Sleeping Beauty kisses, we turn on ourselves. We feel abandoned when in truth, our people we love are in trouble.

That seems to be the line we are smudging, here.

Our abandonment issues and their need for moms who have no abandonment issues.

Maybe this is true.

I think it is true.

What is my goal here? It is not easy to identify. Do I want relationship with son or am I seeking relationship with myself?

It could be that we came alive, just as Sleeping Beauty did too, with those kisses from our children. Or, in caring for them, in loving them first and unreservedly, like The Little Prince loved his rose, who had thorns and lived the life of a flower.

But our roses, our Princes and Princesses, are being hurt; are in danger.

That's the difference.

And if we erect the fence to keep them safe from the sheep, they leave the safe place or bring bad things into it, endangering us, too.

But we have fallen in love with them, and with who we were with them, just as The Little Prince did, with his Rose.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

So, as I read this again, for me, this requires "a practice" or practices to make relationship with my son. What could I do that would build love and trust, rather than erode it? What would reinforce in myself that I love him...that I am a good mother, rather than the reverse? What can I do on my own terms, not his, that will work?

There are two parts to this: With him and within myself. The latter seems easier. I can find within myself that part that is a loving mother, strong and true. Through art. Through reading. What needs mending I can work to reinforce.

Yes. I like this.

What do you think about sending him some names of websites or some books?

Not about your views on his belief system I don't think, Copa. Send instead a book you love. Something he might enjoy reading for the pure pleasure of it.

Send a little gift for no reason as you would if everything were fine.

I am going to do that.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Maybe, we need to look at this part too as the process of becoming our own best mothers.

This is hard. I would rather be my son's mother. Except not a mad and vengeful one. Neither rejecting nor spurned.

The Little Prince loved his rose, who had thorns and lived the life of a flower.

But our roses, our Princes and Princesses, are being hurt; are in danger.

Yes. We have built fences. They get stomped.

All of our loving protection is spurned. I know everybody will say that this is not the business of a mother of a grown up little flower. Sorry. I did not get the memo. It seems.

And if we erect the fence to keep them safe from the sheep, they leave the safe place or bring bad things into it, endangering us, too.

Yes. This is exactly my point. And us with them.

Most of all I hate the nastiness of it. The sordidness. The dirtiness. It is like a repetition with my Dad. Following him to bars. Getting propositioned. Being dead drunk with your own Dad.

But we have fallen in love with them, and with who we were with them, just as The Little Prince did, with his Rose.

And now we feel stomped on. And there is nothing to be done about it. Except to figure out how to stay enclosed in love. And to protect it.

I do not know why I am so despairing.

It is about protecting ones feelings. Accepting that ones feelings are ones own. That I cannot let myself, what I feel, to be at the mercy of what my son does or does not do or what I think about what he does, does not do or will or will not do.

It is about boundaries. Not just of conduct. But internally. Of having a safe space in myself that I will to protect. It is about protecting that. By action and by deed.
I will try.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

My son called.

He did not mention an apocalyptic event.

We spoke maybe a half hour. It was a real conversation. It had a theme. Both of us spoke. He listened. He did not interrupt. It was substantive. I spoke from the heart.

The gist was this: His friend, who is also is boss, broke up with his girlfriend. She kicked him out because he "drank one two many beers."

My son complained that the Dad is now coming down on both of them hard about the marijuana. When both young men left, the Dad yells, "I know what your're going to do out of my sight," or something like that. My son said (I do not necessarily believe this is true) the Dad went through his pack.

My son argues with him. (The Dad is a devout Christian. Dogma more than practice.)
He tries to tell the Dad his beliefs are illogical. We have had this discussion before.

My stance is always this: E holds the power. Father and son have been loyal and caring friends for 16 years. Show him respect. Honor him for his kindness to you. Regardless of what he believes, do not attack him. You are under his roof.

First there is self-interest. But over and above that there is doing the right thing. Decency. Do not bite the hand that feeds you.

He cannot understand this. He keeps focused on logic. Rationality.

I tried again: The most important thing is loyalty and love. This family has shown you that. Honor them. I mentioned my mother and sister, and how I had regrets about how I had lived. He listened.

But kept on to his right to smoke marijuana. How healthy it is...

J it is not that I dispute your right to use marijuana if you have the legal right to do so. I am just saying, you might want to respect the Dad. Because it is the right thing to do.

Nobody hung up on the other. He mentioned that he was hopeful that he would receive his debit card for SSI soon so as to have money to eat. I said something like, if you don't it might motivate you to hang on to the card. *Actually it was wittier than this.

He laughed.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

We are living in a parallel world again Copa,

Rain just left the house,
right as rain. huh.

Such good news of your conversation with your son. I am glad for you Copa, it must be a good feeling. No drama.

I heard a moped coming up the road, then it slowly inched up our driveway, and there she was. "Hi Mom" she said with a lilt in her voice, "I couldn't come for Thanksgiving, it was raining too hard." I gave her a big hug and asked her if she was okay. I am fine. Hubs made her a plate of leftovers, which she wrapped up to go. She went on about how she had to go to court for a "no camping" ticket in the park.

This is a totally different person I am speaking with.

I do not broach the subject of her last appearance. She is bubbly and cheerful. Huh.

The hubs says "I washed your clothes for you" and they went to get them. I am hoping he did not give her money, but I do not know. That is his thing.

Then, she hopped on her moped and rode off into the sunset.

It is bewildering.

This is my life.

No wonder I am numb.

The constant twists and turns and ups and downs.

At least I know she is okay,
for now.

leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I love it when the kids are okay. So pleased for you both and all is well for my family, too.

:O)

Cedar