Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude

[Copabanana]

I wish there was some sort of feedback, like a buzzer or bell or signal or some other thing to tell me what was right.

In my case I think I will not call my son anymore. That was a mistake. But it was Thanksgiving.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

You know what Copa? It's raining really hard over here, and it's supposed to rain like this for the next week. It has been making me sad and my thoughts turn to my daughter, I call her Rain, and she is out there in the rain.

I was thinking that I would have a little notebook around when my thoughts go that way, and write stuff down, to let it out.

I don't think it is a bad thing to let our hearts speak about our gifts from God.

Especially when we are at a point where speaking with them is not working.
Or, we can't speak with them, because of no contact.
So here is my first note to my daughter Rain, in a poem.


Its Raining

With each drop
falling down
to the ground
my thoughts
turn to you.

Its been so many years,
I have to face my fears
release them with my tears
and look up to the sky.
I just cannot find
a rhyme or reason why
your life became this way.
So I turn to God and pray
to take all of our pain away.

Lord, please keep
my girl close to You
cause there's nothing
in this world
that I could
say or do,
to make it better.

Oh, my daughter,
we tried so many things.
In the long run
you just had to
spread your wings.

In your eyes I see
the misery that you
are going through
I would love to keep on
holding you
soothing you.
It's not up to me
it's up to you
I had to set you free.

Fully grown into a woman,
you are not a little child
and I've done all that I can do
to teach you right from wrong.
I pray you find your life song.

There's nothing
in this world
that I could
say or do,
to make it better.

In this house with me,
you could not grow
I had to let you go.
I miss the you, I used to know.
Sometimes it hurts me so.

One day I hope you'll
look at me
with that
old love light
in your eyes.

'Til then I will look up
to the sky
every time I need to cry.
I will pray for you
and hope that you
find what your'e searching for.
Find an open door.
Discover you are beautiful
and do all that you can do
to celebrate the real you.

My daughter, I do love you
and know that God above you
will hear my prayer
you're in his care,
and He will find you anywhere.
I put my trust in Him
and in this,
I shall have faith and hope
and not despair.

In spite of all that's
been said and done
you are still my precious
one.
Love always,
your
Mom

leafy

Would a notebook work for you Copa? When you want to call your son, but are hesitant, maybe you could write down what you would say to him, if you could speak with him like you used to.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

In my case I think I will not call my son anymore. That was a mistake. But it was Thanksgiving.

I think we should call, Copa. They should call too, but when they don't, we should. I don't want my son to feel that I've forgotten him, or that I don't care. Our conversations suck really bad, and I feel worse sometimes afterwords, but it seems like the right thing to do.

I love him.

Daughter does call, and I love hearing that voice that is my voice.

Love in all its facets, maybe, Copa?

Who cares if it wasn't perfect.

Cedar

Maybe the lesson in it for us is to stop interpreting reality from the end result. Your intentions in calling were loving and right and kind, Copa. What your son did with your intentions is less important than what you intended. If we knew this secret true thing, we would never be guilty again for our children's pain and confusion.

Or for anyone's reaction.

Another instance of external locus of control. The meaning of the event changed because someone else chose to define it and we believed them, and not ourselves.

I am all into internal versus external locus of control today. Especially in the way we allow someone else to determine what we intended. Then, we feel badly. But our intention was good, and we are fine people.

So you know how we learned to do that; and you know our abusers required it of us.

And you know how it has haunted our lives.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear All

I am at the library because I have connectivity issues (a euphemism for I did not pay my cable bill.) I wanted to tell you so that you do not worry about me.

I may lag a bit in turning internet back on to try to get ahold of my buying issue. If I am gone for a week or so, you know that is what happened. But I may get it turned on sooner.

Daughter does call, and I love hearing that voice that is my voice.

Cedar, is it like me having my mother's voice? But only sometimes? I love that for you.

intentions in calling were loving and right and kind, Copa. What your son did with your intentions is less important than what you intended.

I do not have a lot of time. Maybe 3 minutes but will try to explain something important.

I had a dream last night. In it, my son ended up meeting the same fate as my mother. Not by my hand but it was my dream, so I own it.

Instead of being terrorized I was a little relieved, because it seems as if I have harbored anger that I have been unconscious of towards my son, too.

I think that is why I am so reactive with him. Because I have felt that everything was my fault, and have feared my own anger has damaged him. I think knowing this may enable me to stay more present and calm. I cannot much explain more because my minutes are running out.

If I am not back before Thanksgiving I wish all a wonderful day and Holiday. I am grateful beyond measure to all of you.

COPA

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am at the library because I have connectivity issues (a euphemism for I did not pay my cable bill.) I wanted to tell you so that you do not worry about me.

I may lag a bit in turning internet back on to try to get ahold of my buying issue. If I am gone for a week or so, you know that is what happened. But I may get it turned on sooner.

Thank you, Copa. I have been concerned.

We care about you very much.

Let that be enough to make you stronger enough.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

Thanks Copa, for leaving messages so we will not worry. I will be missing you, but praying for your strength. You are doing well. We are all doing well.

Happy Thanksgiving.

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you Cedar and New Leaf.

Well, it must have been an outage because when I got home the cable and internet were back on.

We are more a part of each other's lives than my family was. I feel guilty about that. It is a very strange thing.

I think it is the intimacy and the safety. How much we make ourselves vulnerable and are protected one by the other.

Thank you again. But I am back.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Yay! Your'e back, so happy it was just an outage.

I think it is the intimacy and the safety. How much we make ourselves vulnerable and are protected one by the other.

Yes Copa, it is true, it feels very good to be able to trust someone and share so much without fear and hesitation.
Glad to have you back sister.
leafy

 

[BusynMember]

We are more a part of each other's lives than my family was. I feel guilty about that. It is a very strange thing.

Copa...HE is your real family. We don't get to choose who shares our DNA and often we don't really liked those who do, but we are brainwashed to think we have to or else we are baaaaaaaaaaaad people.

Copa, we are close to who values us, not to whom we share DNA. If those who value us share our DNA, that is nice, but it's not mandatory and I'm finding out through these Chronicles and on so many other sites and articles that it is common for family members to be estranged or at least distant. We can't pick our relatives (DNA).

I have learned this valuable lesson and I hope others can too. It makes sense to feel close to and love those who are kind to us, not somebody who is not and, say, shared the same womb.

Take care!!!

 

[New Leaf]

So, back to the clarity about this thinking I am doing this morning. What I am saying is that those feelings of rudderless, or of not knowing the landmarks that would tell us we are proceeding correctly as we change the nature of our interactions with ourselves, and with others, that is bravery. That is the feeling of courage, when we fly by the seats of our pants having chosen the best we know or can learn.

The uncertainty. It is like crossing the Molokai channel. We leave the tiny harbor of Hale O Lono, and line up at the start of the race, in lapis hue of sparkling ocean. One hundred canoes and their escort boats, pointed in the direction of Oahu, site unseen. Charting a course, according to their coach, depending on the tide, the wind, the conditions. We sit ready to strike off at the sound of the airhorn, each canoe bursting forward with the might of six women paddling in unison. Paddling, reaching, driving our blades deep into the water, bodies working together at full force. The first change is not for 40 minutes, until we clear La'au Point. Escort boats that hung back for safety, now zoom forward to find their crews, and change out 4 weary women, for fresh paddlers, ready to put their efforts in. We are reliant on the coach, and his charted course, the expertise of a salty cragged waterman. There is a point when one can see neither island, that is what the uncertainty feels like. No landmark, only blue sky above, and rolling ocean below. It is an odd feeling, it is the in between where time slows, and determination can ebb, if one is not on task. It is the test, for no landmark appears, and the ocean is vast and seemingly endless.
We paddle for at least two and 1/2 hours, before the first site of a tiny Oahu, a speck. It is a relief to see it. Pressing ever forward, shielding our eyes from the sun, we gaze, in the distance, the misty, cloud covered mountains.
The uncertainty still surrounds us. Has our training been sufficient? Will we pass the oceans test of our resolve? Will our paddling sisters persist to the finish, strong and unwavering?

When we feel uncertain, we must check our intentions and reality check, too, but then, we must learn to accept and even, celebrate not knowing, not feeling certain we have handled whatever it is well.

The channel race continues on and on. The landmarks of Oahu become recognizable. The first site of Diamond Head, remote, a small beacon, gives courage, but it soon turns to dismay, as the size of it remains small for quite sometime, a reminder of the many miles left to go. We near the shore of the first point of the island. We can see many other crews in the struggle towards the finish line. We set our goal to passing as many as we can. Canoes dot the ocean around us. Will we persevere, as bold and sure as we started? The hours and hours on the ocean have taken their toll on our bodies and minds. Some women are beginning to fade, and we shout words of encouragement to stay the course, to muster up strength from the oceans energy and the depths of our being. We paddle on. We are 45 minutes out from the finish. Canoes head inward, precariously close to the shoreline waves, taking the risk of catching the draft from the back side of the rollers. Freak waves pop up and crews that have misjudged, scramble to escape the quickly crashing curling whitewater.

The canoe leaps up into the air, and the crew scrambles to correct, muscles, worn and tired from hours of paddling, now sprung into action with the adrenalin of danger, and uncertainty.

Sometimes, we won't be able to do anything more than allow the feelings and survive the feelings and whatever the aftermath is.

What you are writing of Cedar, is akin to crossing the channel, the feelings are much like the experience of it. Energy flowing, tested by the elements, bolstered by our own courage and that of others.

Will we reach the goal? The finish line, to embrace our own potentiality, into our own becoming?

Of this, I am certain. With the help of our sisters, we will all cross the finish line, and toast one another to a successful journey.

leafy

 

[GoingNorth]

Very wise. I did not get the memo in time. I will try. This is very cogently put.
Oh dear.

COPa

I talk with my hands as well, even when I'm on the phone! I also can't talk on the phone without my glasses on. Now, I do have some hearing loss and have some trouble understanding people in person if I can't see their faces clearly, which leads me to believe I lipread to a degree, but why on earth would I need to be able to see to use the phone???

 

[InsaneCdn]

but why on earth would I need to be able to see to use the phone???

If you ever find an answer to this, can you let me know? I'm the same way. I won't get out of bed without my glasses on - even if the power is out and it's pitch black.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I also can't talk on the phone without my glasses on.

That seems so funny to me, Going!

:O)

It makes sense in a way. We need to be sharp and centered and attentive to gather our ideas and communicate. That would be harder to do if we could not see clearly. It would be distracting and frustrating to carry on a conversation when we are not able to see that things are in order, or what the cats are doing, or who it is at the door.

My mother always needed to put her glasses on too, for everything.

I've never needed glasses until now, when I am old, so I don't get that piece, but I'm betting that's what it is.

Presence, which is about respecting yourself and the person you are talking with.

A kindness, Going. Something no one else knows but you.

I think that is very nice, that you put your glasses on to talk on the phone.

And IC, you do the same I see. I think that is what it is. To be fully present to your conversation without distraction.

A very nice thing to do, really.

***

Our cat is still happiest in the kitchen sink. Wednesday, we had the frozen turkey in the side of the sink where she usually sits. She just could not believe we'd filled her sink with water. She was quite disconcerted.

She wanted nothing to do with sitting in the other sink.

Things got worse because yesterday was heavy duty cooking and she was not allowed in the kitchen at all, however stealthy her approach.

This morning, she has been happily in her sink all morning.

We love her.

She is so cute. I can't even tell you.

I had a dream last night. In it, my son ended up meeting the same fate as my mother. Not by my hand but it was my dream, so I own it.

Instead of being terrorized I was a little relieved, because it seems as if I have harbored anger that I have been unconscious of towards my son, too.

Have further insights from either dream come clearer, Copa?

I think that is why I am so reactive with him. Because I have felt that everything was my fault, and have feared my own anger has damaged him. I think knowing this may enable me to stay more present and calm. I cannot much explain more because my minutes are running out.

Present and calm is such a hard thing.

For each of us, it could be that as we are becoming stronger and better integrated, we are expecting our children to take responsibility for their words and actions toward us. That we are expecting them to take equal responsibility for the relationship between us, maybe. That is part of respecting them as the adults they are. As big a part as believing they are capable of choosing and providing and making mistakes and recovering from them.

I think we need to do this kind of standing up. I am surprised at the anger and hurt I hold too, and at the way I don't let myself see it and yet, it affects everything. I wish I weren't harboring those kinds of feelings. But I want this to be clean and real, and I love them enough to face them and myself and not so much demand more, but believe this is a stepping stone to more.

For heaven's sake. We don't have to be perfect. But we do, like Going does, and IC, need to put our glasses on, so we can be our best selves, for them, and for our selves, too.

It becomes a question of faith that we will do this. I don't know how to get there, either.

But I'm feeling better, today.

It has been one of the most difficult preludes to the holidays I have ever had.

?

Cedar

IC? This is for you. I found it this morning.

 

[Copabanana]

it could be that as we are becoming stronger and better integrated, we are expecting our children to take responsibility for their words and actions toward us.

Now that I think of it, I am more aware of anger and irritation towards my son.

It is like: Step up. Act right. I don't want you in my house if you are going to act so bad I get sick and have to stay in my room. I don't want to listen to your stupid garbage on the phone. Think what you want. Don't foist it on me. Until you can start acting like a descent adult, stay away from me.

I can deal with the grief, myself. I don't need to be subjected to your nuttiness to assuage my guilt. I am sick and tired of being jerked around, kicked around and deceived.

That is what it feels like. Not as much guilt. Not as much fear.

Mind you, I have not said this to him. But I am thinking it. In myself. If I stop to think about it. Thank you for your post, Cedar.


COPA

 

[GoingNorth]

That's an interesting interpretation, Cedar. It also makes sense as without my glasses the world is one big blur. I have very little functional vision without them. Like IC, they go on when I wake up, as soon as I sit up.

Neither of my cats sit in the sinks. Thomas just doesn't fit, and Squeaky doesn't seem to be interested, though up until recently she was known to chill out IN the light fixture above the bathroom sink.

She's finally fattened up to a good weight and I think may be too heavy now to make the jump.

Copa, I wouldn't doubt that you are, perhaps on a deeper level than you are usually conscious of, very angry with your son. Hell, he's killed the dreams you have for him.

It's not like it was with my husband where there was an end-point to the illness, grief, and then learning to go on.

With your son, it goes on and on, and there's no end in sight. You, in order to survive, have to make the decision to "kill" the relationship.

I didn't have to do that. Something external to me did that. There was an illness I could blame, and it wasn't the result of husband's CHOOSING a life-path that made him ill. (Unless you count going for a soldier and being exposed to chemical warfare agents). His illness happened to him. It wasn't something he CHOSE.

Another differencei is that I knew from the beginning that husband would die of his illness unless a bone marrow donor was found, and chances weren't good even with that.

I didn't have the roller-coaster of hopes being raised and then crushed, over and over again, that you have had to deal with.

Sometimes i think this whole thing would be easier to deal with if it were a known end-point you were facing, horrible though that may sound.

 

[New Leaf]

Sometimes i think this whole thing would be easier to deal with if it were a known end-point you were facing, horrible though that may sound.

God forgive, me I have thought the very same thing. It is over,and over, and over again. Then there is the reality, that addiction will always grip my d cs, it is up to them to stop feeding it. Thank you GN, that was tough to write, but it is real.

leafy

 

[GoingNorth]

(((leafy)))

I'm comparing what I went through with my husband to what you are going through with your children, as I don't have children.

The thing about addictions is that they start out as choices. One has to choose to try the drug, then choose to continue using it at a rate and level until the addiction develops.

Most addicts are actually surprised to discover they're hooked, as many of them figure they can control use of their drug of choice, and that "it" won't happen to them.

Once an addiction has fully developed, it isn't a matter of getting high anymore. It's a matter of not being dopesick.

To get off the doctor, the addict has to be willing to go through withdrawal (by the way, if your D.C. is using benzos like Xanax or Klonopin, or has a heavy alcohol habit, they MUST have medical supervision to withdraw. Withdrawal from these substances can be LETHAL without medical intervention)

Then, once the addict has gone through initial withdrawal, there is often a period of horrible depression, and in the case of some drugs, other MH or physical sx.

Along with all that, the addict must change their way of thinking and BEING.

It's very hard for an addict to come off of drugs. That's why so many go on maintenance therapy, which enables them to maintain the addiction, yet live decent lives in society.

Be aware that suboxone can be abused.

I've known a LOT of addicts over the years; mostly opioids, and they are real people with real feelings. Most of them loathe themselves, and all of them I've known wish they'd never tried their doctor. NONE of them would encourage a neophyte to try drugs.

Try to remember that your addicted son or daughter is still a person. the addiction has changed them, and they will do anything not to be "sick".

Also know that even if they get clean, they won't be the son or daughter you knew or loved before they became addicts. There's a whole realm of experience there that you can't comprehend and that experience has changed them.

There's also a whole horrible load of guilt that the recovered addict bears that you can't comprehend.

Unfortunately, the addiction turns them into thieves, into prostitutes, into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix.

Therefore, the addiction puts you, the mother or father, sister or brother, in danger.

You have to make the decision to remove yourself from the equation, and that's damned difficult to do.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Try to remember that your addicted son or daughter is still a person. the addiction has changed them, and they will do anything not to be "sick".

Also know that even if they get clean, they won't be the son or daughter you knew or loved before they became addicts. There's a whole realm of experience there that you can't comprehend and that experience has changed them.

Thank you, Going.

It is impossible to strike a balance sometimes, between where we know we want to be, mentally and emotionally, and the day to day, hope to Hell reality of losing our dreams, their dreams for themselves, everything so terminally messed up with resentment and self accusation and loss and loss and loss.

And hope.

"...they will do anything not to be "sick"'

We saw that with our daughter this summer. She went into withdrawal, experiencing chills ~ like, bone chilling, shivering, tooth chattering and crying and it was so awful and we couldn't help her and she refused to go to Emergency because it would be drug seeking and would mess up her prescriptions and her own doctor would do nothing. And I do see that sense of apologetic self hatred, and the fear of the addiction, and of the control it has over them.

The fear of that.

But it is easy to forget, when I am bemoaning my inability to have a happy Thanksgiving. Really, that's what it comes down to. That feels so wrong of me, to have felt like that, now.

"...even if they get clean, they won't be the son or daughter you knew before they became addicts. There's a whole realm of experience there that you can't comprehend and that experience has changed them."

I need to remember your words Going, and I needed to hear them, today.

I think they will help me be stronger, and not so self centered. That's where it begins, I think. Like a spoiled person without character, I want what I want...well, that's not exactly true, either. Because if I had what I wanted, they would be fine.

We all would be fine.

So it isn't just about Thanksgiving, then. It's about all of it.

Good. I feel less like a cheapskate or characterless person.

Whew.

That was a close one.

***

Well, I don't know what those words are going to do, but I know they fit into all this like a lock and a key.

One aspect is that we are taking these words and behaviors personally when it is the addiction or its effects we are dealing with. It isn't our parenting and it isn't that our kids have no character and it isn't anything we have control over at all, not even the tiniest bit.

And it isn't that they don't love us.

That fits in here somewhere, right in that place where I get stuck sometimes ~ especially over the holidays, when it can be very hard to keep myself balanced.

Thank you very much, Going.

Cedar

Especially about the part about it not being that the kids have no character, or that I don't. Which is pretty much what you did say, but it took me a little while to get there, too.

"Try to remember that your addicted son or daughter is still a person...."

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you GN, for the info.

Once an addiction has fully developed, it isn't a matter of getting high anymore. It's a matter of not being dopesick.

I think this is where my two are at. They need the high, just to function.

Then, once the addict has gone through initial withdrawal, there is often a period of horrible depression, and in the case of some drugs, other MH or physical sx.

I am not sure if they have even attempted to quit.

Along with all that, the addict must change their way of thinking and BEING.

It's very hard for an addict to come off of drugs. That's why so many go on maintenance therapy, which enables them to maintain the addiction, yet live decent lives in society.

It is very complicated.

I've known a LOT of addicts over the years; mostly opioids, and they are real people with real feelings. Most of them loathe themselves, and all of them I've known wish they'd never tried their doctor. NONE of them would encourage a neophyte to try drugs.

I have watched many informational documentaries. I have not known people who have been heroin users. I know former cocaine and pot users. My eldest is on meth, I do not know what else. #3 was introduced to crack, and is a daily pot smoker. They both deny using. They both have horrible mood swings. #1 seems depressed whenever I see her. #3, has fits of rage.

Try to remember that your addicted son or daughter is still a person. the addiction has changed them, and they will do anything not to be "sick".

I do see them as people, of course. Yet, they are not the daughters I remember. The drugs have altered them, for sure. My #3, in a moment of openness told me 'Mom, I know people who use ice and are able to function, they work and it doesn't control them, not all people who use drugs are bad." I said that I knew that, but that drug use and addiction, drives good people to do bad things.

Also know that even if they get clean, they won't be the son or daughter you knew or loved before they became addicts. There's a whole realm of experience there that you can't comprehend and that experience has changed them.

Yes, this is true.

There's also a whole horrible load of guilt that the recovered addict bears that you can't comprehend.

Unfortunately, the addiction turns them into thieves, into prostitutes, into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix.

I have wondered if this "boyfriend" my daughter speaks of, that she cannot get away from, is really a pimp. That is the only thing I can think. She came to me disheveled and hurt, but refused help, did not want me to call 911, and would not go to a DV shelter. My hubs had picked her up from the hospital months back, she had been hit on her head with a bat. Needed stitches. I asked her if it was the same guy that did that to her. She said,"He found me, he will always find me." Then she said "This is what happens when I try to leave." I am stumped.

Therefore, the addiction puts you, the mother or father, sister or brother, in danger.

You have to make the decision to remove yourself from the equation, and that's damned difficult to do.

Yes, removed from the equation. It is hard, but necessary, because, she has brought her street friends over the house. I am not a judgmental person, but these "friends" you could tell they had been "around the block" a few times, street hard, you know? I told my daughter, I did not want these folks around.
It is true, this is a danger for us. These people are my daughters family, she has pretty much announced that with her behavior. She will show up from time to time. Things will go missing around the yard and house.

We are not people to her, we are an opportunity.

For both my girls, we have become things.

Thank you GN, for caring and sharing

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Unfortunately, the addiction turns them into thieves, into prostitutes, into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix.

Therefore, the addiction puts you, the mother or father, sister or brother, in danger.

You have to make the decision to remove yourself from the equation, and that's damned difficult to do.

"...into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix."

I know this sounds awful, but it is a comfort to me to know it. I am forever feeling betrayed, and so foolish or so mean and uncaring.

Angry, so much of the time.

"...into whatever they need to be in order to cop the next fix."

And it is selfish of me, I get that, but this phrase puts a separation between my child, my person that I love and who was my baby and my child and who came so close to growing up, and those actions (and words too) that are like, time-blasted things that I just don't know how to think about, so I don't.

Addiction is very ugly.

So, part of the way I am looking at the effects of addiction is mixing in with Family of Origin issues and the why behind those somewhere in the background where we don't have words to distinguish the hurt of abandonment in all its many colors, maybe.

I sort of knew that, but not in a coherent fashion that I could put together with what seemed to be blasting into me this year, especially.

Abandonment. Along a spectrum of tastes and colors, maybe, the betrayal that is the essence of abandonment. That is why your words matter, Going. I was not getting that my children have not betrayed me. I was believing that they had, in some intrinsic way that matters and has to do with grandchildren and dinner and cookies and family coming to the door.

That there was a choice they made.

I think I can do this now, Going.

Thank you, again.

Cedar