You know you have a difficult child when . . .

[RN0441]

It's like grieving someone that is still alive. It's not normal and no one can even begin to understand the process unless they've dealt with it.

My husband just confided in his boss about our son which shocked me. He has always downplayed the problem until recently and is very private. He said it just came up in conversation. She was very sympathetic because although they have no children they did have their nephew live with them for some time who was an addict (why anyone would do that is beyond me) and spent over $10k on him with rehab etc. (they are well off). He isn't with them any longer and I guess doing better now. It touches so many lives.

 

[mamato3]

I have to figure out how to grieve but no longer there. And I so miss him and pray he does come back some day.

This right here is what I've been trying to get out... grieving a child I bore and raised and is still alive but no longer the person he once was or could have been.

There ARE success stories and I hope and pray that we all are able to experience them.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry but be prepared for a long haul. It took my parents close to 25 years to realize my bro had a problem with alcohol and he started at age 12. I knew by the time he was 14, and tried to tell them then. We got lucky in that he only did rehab 1 time. He did it like he does everything - balls to the wall, sorry for the terminology, but it is the phrase that best describes him. He truly flamed out his life - 3 serious felonies in 3 days, and a major deal ct with the DA, pending rehab and no future court involvement for 5 years, and he could get his rights back.

He has claimed to be sober since one admitted slip after rehab. I have MAJOR doubts regarding this, having smelled beer/booze on him several times, but it isn't my business as I don't spend time around him much.

I would NOT force him into rehab. I would not even pay for it unless he is begging for it and willing to pay for a good part of it on his own. I know you want him back, but don't go into a lot of debt for repeated rehabs. Many former addicts I know have told me that until they were willing to go to a free program, one of the cushy programs their parents sent them to was simply a place to meet new connections for whatever they were on. It was a way to get parents to give them what they wanted while thinking they wanted to get clean but it was simply too hard, the drugs were too strong. I thought this was just a line the first time I heard it, but after the 8th or 10th former addict told me this, I started to believe it.

I know so many former addicts because I worked at a restaurant that was sort of a hippie place, and drugs were a part of it. Plus most restaurants have some drug use and I worked at a lot of them. At the hippie place, we have regular holiday gatherings and reunions of former employees. MANY of whom have been to rehab a time or four. I got the same story from everyone I spoke to when this topic came up - wait until rehab is the abusers idea and they don't want anything for it like to come back home. Wait until they are ready to go to the less cushy rehab, because then they are not looking for cushy, they are looking for clean. Then you look for the place you think is best. But make them agree to the least cushy place you can find.

 

[PiscesMom]

Grief is exactly it. For years I thought my son would come back to how he used to be - the sweet boy he was once. But looking back, I realize he always was extremely stubborn, its just that we always got along, and what he wanted was always so reasonable. But he is wired differently, and its unfortunate. I miss him, I miss how we used to get along. I wish I could fix him, protect him.

 

[Littleboylost]

Grief is exactly it. For years I thought my son would come back to how he used to be - the sweet boy he was once. But looking back, I realize he always was extremely stubborn, its just that we always got along, and what he wanted was always so reasonable. But he is wired differently, and its unfortunate. I miss him, I miss how we used to get along. I wish I could fix him, protect him.

Exactly how I feel.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

You know you have a difficult child when sadly, your life is better when you have limited contact with them.

 

[Littleboylost]

Difficult Child is 17 on job number 5 he will be fired for no shows in 3,2,1....

He was fired no hours or response from anyone Sun, Mon, Tues. ....he still doesn't get it wants me to take him to the office on his next day to work which is Thurs....it hurst to think he can be so deluded. Wednesdays are Rehab and bail meeting day.

 

[Littleboylost]

Time to revive this thread.
You know you have a difficult child when. You ask for urine for a drug test and you get the OMG dance and 2 fake sample the last of which is warm water and Coke. You drink it in front of him and he says ...."I can't believe you drank my pee". Eye roll please.

 

[ksm]

You know you have a difficult child when you have a panic attack when you realize they have only 10 days of rehab left...

So you get up and drink a glass of wine at 12:45am as you realize you told the rehab therapist that one of your new house rules is...home is a substance free zone.

 

[susiestar]

When he tells you about the mind games he plays with the new hires at work. And you realize you are just glad he has other people to play them on so he leaves you and his siblings alone. And so you don't get called up to school to discuss why he made another teacher go home crying.

At least his coworkers don't cry. They seem to like his games. Sigh.

 

[pigless in VA]

Your husband asks the dog, "What are we going to do about your brother?"

 

[RN0441]

When your dog's breath smells better than your sons. LOL

 

[Sam3]

... when his mom has super villain powers

I raised him wrong

I ruined his life

My parenting was the gateway to harder drugs

I turned him into a bad person

And I'm not his mom.

(I only cried because the bile made my eyes sting.)

 

[Triedntrue]

You know you have a difficult child when he tells you that you brought him into this world so you have to help him even though he has already cost you thousands of dollars and is way over the age where you are legally responsible.

 

[ksm]

You know you have a difficult child when you google strange objects you find in their room and Google finishes your search with xxx used with drugs... And you find multiple websites that explains what addicts use it for. Some of the past years google searches...

Sure Jell, toilet paper rolls with tissues inside, broken ink pens, light bulbs without the filament, foil, bent paper clips and Bobby pins.

Thanks google, I know more than I ever wanted to know...

 

[Littleboylost]

They reminisce about what a great profit they made when selling drugs. Only to forget you are the same person who they begged to bail them out of debt with their dealers before grave harm came to them, and the person that they badgered and begged money from on a daily basis.

 

[New Leaf]

When they show up at your house and you are hoping you remembered to lock your purse in the car.
When they leave, you are relieved and wondering if they took anything this time.
BAH!

 

[Guidance seeker]

When you see the police drive up the road and you just know that they are going to your house......again.

 

[Littleboylost]

When the local police know you by name.

 

[Guidance seeker]

When you have hiding places everywhere for anything of value.

When you replace the money in his younger sister’s birthday cards that you find opened because he got to the post first.

When you get a phone call from him while you’re at work to tell you the Christmas tree has mysteriously fallen through the ceiling and arrive home to find a huge hole and a bike hidden in your loft.

When you realise you now know all the slang terms for drugs and exactly what they cost.

When you make a plan with him around who he owes what to and how you can help him pay it all back because he “just wants to put it all behind him and turn over a new leaf without dealers after him”.

When you work overtime to avoid going home.

When you can’t talk about him and the things you did as a family during those years before he started drugs because it makes you cry.

When he cuts a hole in his pocket to show you where the money fell through and got lost when you give him money to go to a shopping centre with friends to buy new trainers.

When you go to do some ironing and even the iron has been pawned.

Then, since he has been put out:

When you have to replace your entire bannister as spindles have been kicked through when all of his begging, crying and threats didn’t work anymore and you refused to give him money.

When you make an excuse to the plasterer about the huge hole he is repairing in your bedroom wall that you have hidden for 2 years with a long canvas.

When you can’t relax in the evenings incase he comes round and you have to call the police.

When you still love them despite everything and you realise how strong the love of a mother really is.

When you read forums like this every day searching for support and guidance because you realise that his problems are overwhelming you and he still creates so much chaos that you think of little else.