22 year old son brings home new girlfriend of 3 weeks and she is sleeping in his bed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by swordfish, Nov 18, 2010.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You may need to check with your local laws regarding tenant's rights. You may need to evict him in order to prevent him from having his guests overnight.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    True. Charging him rent may make him a tenant. Of course lots of kids say that you'll have to evict them, but I find that repeated doses of something they hate at 7 in the morning is a pretty good way to get them out without it. Think elevator music. Ray Conniff comes to mind. You can find good stuff at garage sales for this. Or just hook the cable tv up to your stereo and find the "Beautiful Music" channel and crank it up.

    You know what I mean. You sit down, have the heart to heart "I know you're a man and you want to be with a girl but not in my house. It's time for you to move." Then you can turn the passive aggressive tables on them. You can even tell them you're doing it to make them miserable and you won't stop until they leave. What are they going to do? Call the cops on you for living the way you like in your own home? I think not.
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2010
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Ditto what many have said. If your ex thinks it is so normal, he should take son and his piddly $25 contribution to the FOOD he eats and have a nice time living with them. Otherwise what goes on in your home is not his business. Period. THat is how divorce workes. If son doesn't like it, try opening the door at random times when the girl is there, or even getting rid of the door altogether. If son damages the house in anger after this, or threatens/bullies you in ANY way, call 911 and insist that he leave. That twenty five bucks is NOT rent, do not EVER say it is. It is a small contribution to the FOOD BUDGET because there are special foods he likes and you don't. PERIOD. If you call it rent he has certain rights including not having you let police into his room (not a right that ANYONE in my home has) and you would have to evict him formally if you wanted him out.

    You also might tell the girl that this is NOT a flophouse or bordello and she is NOT welcome to be in a room behind closed doors with your son (esp a room with a bed), and she is NOT welcome to remove her clothing in your home. I might be tempted, if they persist or he brings other girls home, to go in while they are "busy" and remove both their clothes, tossing them in the back yard, then to go tell them, as abruptly as possible, to both get out and he can come back with-o his hook-up-honey at whatever time he is willing to live by the rules of the home. he can come get his stuff in a day or so. But I can be really mean.

    I hate to mention this, but if he has this much disrespect for you, esp with your exh feeding it, you might want to change your sheets often. Sex in a parent's bed has the allure of the forbidden and some people LOVE to do it. I knew several guys who did that to their divorced moms because dad planted the idea or said it was okay when mom was totally against the child having sex, much less at home. Unless caught in the act, the people I knew were quite good at making the beds so the parent had no clue.It is something to watch out for.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I only have a minute so I haven't read through the other posts so forgive me for any redundancy. (Very possible if other long time warrior parents have responded).

    Here are my thoughts...if she stays overnight she pays a daily rate at the same price as a hotel. Another way of handlingit would be to up his rent to cover the added expences of her visits. If difficult child doesn't like it he should find another place to stay.

    I'm assuming you have no lease agreement. You might want to concider drawing one up although it will put you in the position of paying taxes on the collected rent and you should also check for posible zoning restrictions before taking this step.

    But really, $25 dollars for rent for a 22 year old and he thinks he can do whatever he wants???? He has some learning to do. Sounds like his father is a bit vindictive and unsupportingof you. You can't change his mindset but you could tell your difficult child to go live with his father since he and his dad are so liberally minded.

    Getting him out of your home could be tricky. In some states once you let someone, even a relative, move in; you have to go through an eviction process to get them out. That said, you can be creative (without breaking any laws) and make him want to move . Some suggestions would be: Playing loud elevator music. Buying only foods he hates. Putting a timer on the hot water for showers or if you can't afford that, just shut it off at the main shut off valve (be sure to timeit for when he or she is very wet and soapy) or you could run the diswasher everytime he showers if it interferes with the water flow in the bath. Another suggestion would be to install a coin slot on the washer and dryer... oh my, the list goes on and on. -RM
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2010
  5. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    My 20 year old son's 18 year old girlfriend has basically been living here since her mom had a stroke last spring. The parents are divorced and her dad offered to take her but he lives 3000 miles away. She is technically with her grands but is more here than not. I am not thrilled with it but I buy them the industrial strength condoms at Costco and pray. They've been together 3 years so they have slowed down. I am going to have H ask son if he'd like us to take her to get some birth control now that she is over 18. Her mom had kids that young and told me she thought it was "cute," That was the day I bought the first giant box of condoms for them.

    My younger boys (16, 14 and 11) accept that she is here because of her mom's health.
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    My son's girlfriend/fiance lived with us for a while. The difference is, I was ok with it. I had given permission - her home life was bad.

    The OP isn't ok with it and the son has no respect for her or her rules.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well....I guess it's like a bunch against and a few for......pretty conservative group huh?

    So, here's some things I guess I'd be asking myself.

    At 25
    What is he doing living at home?
    If this woman in the bed thing is okay at Dads; why don't him and the girl go have sex there? She can put her toothbrush wherever at his house.
    Despite how old anyone is - any overnight guests in my home would have to be discussed with me. No one stays in my home without my permission. When I leave in the morning - so do they.
    Does he seriously think $25 is a fair rate for rent per week? If that's for one person and he continues to bring women home to bed then the rate would go up to whatever the motel rate is per diem. Not happy with that? move out. or ....go to daddys and invade his privacy.

    Whatever the chores are that he does around your home? Yeah (scratches head) well.....I have two schools of thought on that. Since you're already accepting "STRANGERS" in your home?

    Toss out the low-paying renter - and take in a substantial pay renter with an attorney prepared rental agreement having no loopholes and a very firm eviction policy - Say a single woman, with a background and credit check who could and would pay you $100_+ a week. With the increased rental money - HIRE someone to DO the chores completely and well for you and bank the rest of the money. Stop stressing about your bossy son, and when the divorce is over maybe use the banked money for a nice Hawiian vacation.

    Jus sayin'
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's really a pro and con question. We don't know exactly how different families interact. If she is flatly opposed to the idea, that's the end of the decision. on the other hand if she feels more secure with company than she does alone?? If the yard work and chores that are done help reduce her stress or increase her feeling of wellbeing?? If the girl contributes something positive to their homelife?? There are alot of variables.

    None of us seek out this circumstance and the decision making it calls for but if it "does no harm" or helps her during her
    adjustment to single life ?? then I don't think she should take a stand based on what conventional living indicates. All of us
    have had to learn about "grey" and about making the best our of what our lives offer. Sadly the image we had of the future when we were young has taken a hike. Absolutely she is the one to make the choice based on her own feelings but
    bucking tradition can (not will) provide advantages over the alternatives. DDD (who wishes life had remained simple)
  9. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    My son's girlfriend does not really help out around the house unless we specifically ask her to. I have her help with heavy, manly type chores because, frankly, she's bigger than any of my sons and stronger as well. She carries in groceries, fire wood, takes out garbage, etc. She does not do the girl type things, but I don't either. She has grown on us and we are used to her. difficult child does not like her and he can't fathom why they're in the same grade when she's 2 years older than him and clearly not stupid and why she doesn't take any honors classes, but they've learned to co-exist. Fortunately, they are not in the same HS. My oldest son, her boyfriend, has learned from helping her deal with her issues with her mom. He takes her to the rehab center where her mom now lives 2 - 3 times a week and I have noticed him getting more attentive to his grandma as a result.

    I was charged rent by my parents when I was in college (ironically, it was $25 weekly 35 years ago!) so I have a real aversion to charging my own children as long as I can scrape by without it. I do expect my son to help with chores, drive his younger sibs for me and keep me apprised of his whereabouts. I charge him for part of the phone bill because he wanted an android and it raised my bill $40/month, so he gives me that $40.

    If I had my dream, this boy would be at Stanford right now, but that is not the life he chose so I have to make do. He and his girlfriend are not bad kids, they don't drink, smoke or do drugs. Their worst vice is junk food. I have learned to live in the gray areas and make do.
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2010
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    DDD...you are so right about how we have learned about living in the gray areas.

    I had so many high hopes. I am completely sure my parents did too. As my Dad is laying dying I am sure regretting all the things I should have done...all the times I was a complete difficult child. Believe me, I am remembering every single stupid thing I have ever done to hurt him. I should have taken the road they wanted. I wish my kids could see this and decide it is time to turn things around and do everything right. Somehow I completely doubt it. We will still live in the gray. None of them will go to Harvard...too late for that. Cory wont magically become Judge Joe Brown.

    I will just keep on hoping that nothing horrible happens and that gray is the worst thing that I have to deal with.
  11. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    It's weird, because I'm dealing with something similar with my difficult child. She isn't sleeping here with her boyfriend ... she lives with her dad and I've made my boundaries very clear. My problem (currently) has to do with the fact that DEX is going out of town next week and doesn't want her staying at his place. At first, he said it was because he didn't want her playing house with her boyfriend (which I thought was odd because he allows her to be home alone with boyfriend all the time AND also allows them to be in her bedroom even if he is home), but the real truth came out in a phone conversation today: he doesn't want her there because she's a slob and his CLEANING LADY (yes, I had to be replaced with TWO people) is coming Friday and he wants to return to a clean house.

    Excuse me? You're worried about coming home to a messy house and not at all worried about the road your daughter's going down lately?

    So his brilliant idea was to have her come and stay with me for the week - something I was ok with until I realized that she's going to make my life a living hell if we force her to do that.

    I told him this morning that he can tell her that she can't stay there, but he CAN'T tell her she has to stay here. I'm going to let them figure it out.

    I think you should seriously consider sending your son to spend some quality time with daddy. Believe me, I know how hard it is to go through a divorce. I also know that it can be exceedinglly painful to have your child - no matter how old they are - choose the other parent. My difficult child has done the ping-pong thing between houses for two years and every single time she flounces out of her to move in with her buddy daddy, it breaks my heart all over again. But I know now that I just have to let it play out.

    Many hugs to you,