A Mothers Guilt

[SeekingStrength]

What helps me these days is knowing how badly gfg32 wants husband and me to feel guilty. For years, it worked. We did not feel the amount of guilt about as many things as he wanted, but more along the lines of What should we have done? What could we have done to turn things around for him? He is making one bad choice after another and he must not feel loved enough to live right....

But, the last round of nonsense with gfg32 made it easy for husband and me to step out of the guilt because some of things gfg32 was throwing at us were ridiculous and he lost a LOT of credibility. A couple that he mentioned repeatedly:

*for every minute he played video games, he had to have read the same # of minutes first (personally, I am very proud of that rule, lol)
*he bought an old, used Volvo (I had insisted it be a Volvo because I read they were so safe) so he never learned how to date (????)

There were several more examples of our horrible, horrible parenting, but these two just popped to the top of my head. He could also be very vague but with drama....Maybe I don't have physical scars, but the scars I carry are just as painful (paraphrased, but you get the idea)....

.....and he.is.32. (33 later this month)


Sigh,
SS

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I had a bad hour after I posted that.

I would take that pain away if I could, Echo.

I don't know how to do that, but I do know that once we confront and work through a thing that hurts this much, we come away a little stronger, a little more stable.

The pain of it just kills, though.

Under all of it? There is motherlove, Echo. No shame in the truth of feeling what we feel. Out of all the years, under everything there is motherlove.

No shame, Echo.

Real is not very pretty. But until we acknowledge how we really do feel? We cannot see beyond that point.

Underneath it all?

Motherlove. Strong. Bright. Undiminished.

This is true.

Cedar

 

[Terryforvols]

Gosh, you guys are just so wise!!! I realized my guilt is so many emotions wrapped together...I feel shame, the abnormal guilt related to perfectionism, and rage.

Now rage...when I see difficult children friends on FB, including those she did some drugs with, and they made it through college, have jobs, married, etc., it absolutely runs all over me on certain days! Why not difficult child? Also, seeing mother/daughters having fun together...why not me!! When I become reasonable again, I also thank God she is alive. That got brought home hard to me on 11/01/13 when our 17 yo nephew was killed in a car accident. We are close to brother in law and sister in law, DHs younger bro and wife. Why him??? He was a great kid, swim team, band, looking at colleges, no drugs/alcohol. He made a 17 yo driving mistake in his NEIGHBORHOOD!! Why him when difficult child has made choices that could have and should have killed her!! Those ?? will not be answered on this earth. I need to look at this rage and anger at others and "why me/why not me" as Gods plan that I dont know. Its not guilt, I guess.

I also had that perfect mom issue. I so wanted to be Donna Reed. Really, when I was growing up, I was irritated to no end that my mom didnt clean in high heels, pearls, and a dress. I cld smack myself now for that!! : ) I did want to provide my kids with that TV perfect life. I didnt do that, no one can, but it makes me so happy that both easy child and difficult child remember some of the special things I did for them, working as a room mother, field trips, etc. Its THAT I should focus on, not constantly the bad! Easier said than done some days.

And the remark that I am no more responsible for the failures than the sucesses. easy child has his Ph.D. I do not consider myself responsible for that, HE did it. Then why am I responsible for difficult children failures?? Bc our children arent supposed to fail, and when they do big time, someone always makes a comment abt parenting and moms take that personally! Not many people say what great parents he must have had to accomplish that..no, its how smart, how hard HE worked, etc. I need to work on my thinking.

Thanks so much for the wisdom!! I get something every day!! Now off to bed. Want to get to work early tomorrow, by 6:00-6:30. LOL, LOL. The brain is willing, the body..not so much!!!

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[Childofmine]

There were several more examples of our horrible, horrible parenting, but these two just popped to the top of my head. He could also be very vague but with drama....Maybe I don't have physical scars, but the scars I carry are just as painful (paraphrased, but you get the idea)....

SS, I love your rule about reading and video games. I wish I had thought of that, me, the consummate reader, who tried so hard to get my sons to love to read. difficult child actually does like to read now (big success! Yay! Lol, I did that, right? Ha.) In fact, when I went and got his backpack two weeks ago from the day shelter, there was a library book in there about WWII. He loves to read about that. I do, too.

But I hated video games, and the male obsession with them. I feel like I fought those things for years.

Now rage...when I see difficult children friends on FB, including those she did some drugs with, and they made it through college, have jobs, married, etc., it absolutely runs all over me on certain days! Why not difficult child?

Yes, I still feel such pain when I am with a group of friends, women, and everybody is talking about easy child did this, and easy child is doing that, and then they will go here, and there, and got this degree and this job and this trip and blah blah blah. I know it's my issue. Of course they are happy for there adult children and proud and relieved, and all of the things parents are when we see things turn out. Turning out is the prize. Not turning out is the curse. I have both---one easy child and one difficult child. I still don't know how to reconcile that pain and sadness. But there is acceptance in the sadness. I also shake myself and regain my hope---hey it's not over yet. He's only 24.5. He can still have a good life, whatever that looks like. If he chooses it.

And so it goes.

I need to look at this rage and anger at others and "why me/why not me" as Gods plan that I dont know. Its not guilt, I guess.

I see progress in that statement Terry. When we start saying "I need to...." then our focus is on US, right where it needs to be. Not them. Us.

I did want to provide my kids with that TV perfect life.

The first time I went out with SO over three years ago, we took a really long walk on the greenway, for about three hours. We talked and talked. I told him that day that I am a hopeless romantic. That part of me is one of the good things about me, and taken too far, one of the character defects. I love books and movies and the white knight on the white horse, and flowers and candy and kisses and long looks and romantic Hallmark cards and that excited feeling and everything turning out all right. I love all of that stuff. But I can't live there. It's not real. I have finally learned that. I still like it, but it's not real.

And the remark that I am no more responsible for the failures than the sucesses.

Yes, I love this! This is so true. easy child has a Master's degree, he is so kind and loving and responsible and tries so hard to do the right thing. I hope he doesn't feel extra pressure because of difficult child, but if he does, I can't fix that either. But I didn't do that. HE did. He lived in a $250/month apartment one time for a long time in college. The ceilings were slanted so in parts of it---it was a tiny attic apartment---he couldn't stand up. Like in the shower. He had to lean or squat to get his whole body wet. He lived there for several years even for a year after his college graduation before he went off to work on his Master's. He paid for the whole apartment after graduation---he got a full time job for a year at a vet's office and supported himself. He took responsibility and he deferred gratification. He is doing so well, and I have had to learn to let him go, too. What a blessing that I have easy child and difficult child both, to show me these things.

I need to work on my thinking.

What progress in that simple statement, Terry. Again.

Blessings and hugs to you today, my Vol friend. Not too far down the road from you, here.

 

[Terryforvols]

COM wish we cld meet sometime. My easy child was the same, lived in ?? places at times, 2 jobs, etc. But HE made the choice!!!

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[BusynMember]

There is nothing, no rule you could have given him, that would have changed his path.

Often we forget that they have many more influences than us. Peers become more important than us at around fourteen. Also, the personality of the particular child kicks in...they are not all alike.

Since many of my friends went the drug route, although I did not, and they all came from upper class, educated good homes and I was often the only friend they had that their parents liked, I had no illusions that a good home life and good parents meant kids who were successful. Nor did bad parenting mean the child would not succeed. There are not rules, like in math, such as one plus one will equal two. If we tried as hard as we could, we should feel proud of ourselves, regardless of the results. And we are allowed to have made mistakes because every parent on earth does.

I saw my friends from school giving in to negative peer pressure. It started, in my friends cases, with smoking cigarettes. They thought it was cool and desperately wanted to be included or popular. I was the only nons-smoker amongst my friends. Then the pot, then the other stuff. My stubborn "you can't tell me what I have to do" personality helped me A LOT during my teen years as I did not care if I "fit in". I wanted to be unique and myself. My friends were more concerned with popularity, friends, and many were risk taker personalities, which is a big factor. I was scared. They were excited by doing scary things. How does a parent control THAT? It is inborn. It has nothing to do with videogames or rules at home or whether we are successful in our parenting. It is a personality trait and a risk taker will do more on-the-edge behaviors than a kid who is not willing to take a risk or who has the inborn capacity to think of the consequences in advance, and I personally don't believe you can teach that to a child who is more impulsive.

I think of my two girls. Julie wanted to be popular and was shy, but she was also not afraid of things. So she got involved with drugs. Jumper is very practical and forward thinking and logical. To her it's just dumb to get into trouble and break the law and ruin your future. Two girls brought up in the same house and, trust me, they did not have parents who were risk takers.

We are being very shortsighted if we think our children's lives were just about us.

Guilt does not help our children, but they can use that emotion to retard their own growth. If they can just make us feel guilty enough, they may be able to get a lot of money out of us. They know full well how much we love them and how much they will always be our babies, whether they are 18, 25, 35 or 45. The question we need to ask ourselves is do we want our 35 year old or 45 year old to still be our baby? Do we want to support that adult forever? Do we want to leave this earth knowing the adult child can not take care of himself without us.

in my opinion we should feel guilty more if we support our 25 plus adults than if we let them play videogames. But that is just my own personal take on things. I know why Julie took drugs and feel I made some big mistakes that caused her to feel she had to do it, however does that also mean I get credit that she quit?

I do not feel guilty about 36. He was like this since toddlerhood and we did all we could to get him help and he is still struggling. Sometimes I wonder why I gave birth to a child, knowing all the crapola that was on my family tree. That's the extent of it.

I mean, how far back do we have to go?

 

[Terryforvols]

I was so shy and insecure growing up. I didnt hang out with any particular group, got along with everyone. So funny, I was terrified of the people who were on the smoking porch!! LOL!!!! I thought they were scary! I never went to parties, didnt even know abt them. Both easy child and difficult child were popular and in on every thing, that was why it was such a shock bc I was so naive!!!

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[Childofmine]

SO often talks about a certain group of addicts that like living on what he calls the "ragged edge". It's a rush to live that that.

I believe difficult child started using because he was not comfortable in his own skin and using made him just relax and feel better about himself. Then it became something else. And then addiction.

He is introverted and a controller and insecure and anxious. Risk factors for addiction.

Plus the biochemistry.

It seems like he is flying high when he is trying to manage and Control and flaunt the rules and get by with just one more thing than the next person can.

That is what I see anyway. Inherent traits that are part of his makeup.


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[Copabanana]

Oh, Terry. You don't know me. I am new. Please do not beat yourself up so much. You don't deserve it. Not everything in life is our fault.