Adult daughter stole entire life savings

[witzend]

There's nothing wrong with saying, "We have been having some problems with her that are difficult for me to discuss, but thank you for asking." You'd feel horrified if you told people that she was "fine" and she then took advantage of them with no warning from you. You have to remember that her failing is not your failing. I'd be surprised if you were the only one that she stole from, and she counts on your discretion, I'm sure.

If you can't reach her husband, perhaps it's time to talk to his parents. "This is what has happened and we don't think he knows (he might not, however unlikely that is). We want to be sure that no one else loses their life savings as we have." I wouldn't give anyone a heads up that you were going to call.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

"Heard anything about _____? Just curious..."

There is nothing casual, nothing to be "just curious" about, in what may turn out to be a terminal disease.

Though my children are both alive, what has happened to them has already been terminal, in a way. Neither child is anywhere near where they would have been in their lives, had these things not happened. The adults I could see so clearly in my children as they grew into adolescence never appeared. That flash of them as I thought they would be can still lay me low, COM. After all these years.

Those people I thought my children were, those futures I was so certain my children would have, are gone, and cannot be recovered.

That is a kind of terminal that has already happened.

Who ever knew you could hurt so much and still
be
alive?

You all know I am going through a thing with my sister. BUT WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT, WHEN YOUR OWN SISTER (OR IN MY CASE, YOUR OWN SISTER AND YOUR OWN MOTHER) ARE THAT STUPIDLY MEAN?

Ouch and ouch and ouch.

*****

I get it, that we are supposed to take the high road, that we are supposed to try to believe the best in other people. But over time, we begin to be able to see the differences in the way people interact with us. We can feel that there is something wrong, something we cannot exactly put our fingers on, in the unhealthy interactions. But we are so broken, in the beginning. We begin to speak and cannot stop and the pain of it is overwhelming.

The telling feels dirty and wrong.

There are people who are honestly supportive of me. They give me strong, centered advice. They are in my corner. They will have formed an opinion of difficult child, but they do not hate her. They may judge her actions, but they do not hold her or me in a hideously sly kind of contempt.

That is the difference.

It is a subtle thing, but once we are alerted to it, we cannot unsee it. We may not be able to define it clearly, but we feel it. For a long time, I felt so badly about everything myself, I questioned and beat myself up so much that it felt ~ I don't know. It didn't seem wrong, somehow, for my mother and my sister to feel that way, too. Now that I am healthier, now that I have all of you to process things with, I recognize the difference.

And what they have done and how they have done it feels like the worst sort of cheap shot.

Cedar

So, I didn't post this right away. In thinking it over, I remembered when we were all talking about "the heart breaking open" and the spiritual growth that attends that process. Then, I remembered how judgmental I was, as a perfectly arrogant young mother of perfect children. So...though I did not hear you condemning your sister COM, I do hear condemnation in my own post.

People, even if they are our sisters or our mothers, cannot be who they are not. If they are fortunate, neither of our sisters will ever know what this feels like. In the interim, what I need to do is acknowledge what is happening, keep myself safe and cherished despite the hurt of it, and not judge anyone else for their response.

That not judging part is really hard, when we've been hurt, when we are disappointed in those we feel we should be able to turn to for support and direction.

The reactions of our families (and friends) can feel like a second betrayal.

I was thinking what I would text back, or what I should have sent back to my sister after her FB stalking, after her questioning of both difficult child and myself, after the beating.

"All is well."

There is a quote somewhere about this. It has something to do with "All is well with my soul. All is well." In the quote, the response, "All is well." had to do with faith that, though we do not see and cannot understand the why of it...all is well, all is happening just as it was meant to.

I am trying to work toward that. But the resentment I feel as I uncover and allow myself to see what is, is a palpable thing. I get it, that part of this is what I feel toward my own kids for what has happened.

It is confusing.

We all do the best we know.

 

[jeanne in CA]

"childofmine", I understand totally. Luckily, no one that we have told has done the "just curious" thing. I would want to choke them if they did. On the other end of the spectrum is my other brother (not the one who loaned me the $20,000). When I told him, he expressed outrage and sympathy and then said to give him a call some time. I felt like if he cared, he would call to check on us once in a while. I haven't heard another thing. I don't dwell on that either. People are who they are. He is not a bad guy but I can't help it feel like he would just rather not deal with our problems. He has a step-daughter about the same age as our difficult child who is perfect, of course so maybe he thinks what we have is contagious. He's not taking any chances. It's kind of funny in a way.

"Witzend", you gave me the perfect response for what to tell people when they ask about her. Thank you. As for talking to our son-in-law's parents, the detective does not want us to do that for the simple reason that they would tell their son who would tell our daughter who would then start destroying evidence like computer stuff, etc. We do know that she has made a few smaller attempts (some successful and others not so much) to rip other people off and have reported those to the police as well. The police are following up on those by contacting the individuals involved.

Family members who know the story still cannot believe she has not contacted us in the 13 months since we confronted her. But why would she? She knew she had stolen everything we had and also left us with tens of thousands of dollars of debt. She had every incentive to stay away. (It probably didn't help that I told her not to contact us again without an attorney.) Hard to say what she might be thinking. It is very possible that she believes that since it has been this long and she has not heard from the police that we have just decided to cut off all communication with her. She probably figures that if that is all she has to lose she can live with that.

 

[witzend]

As for talking to our son-in-law's parents, the detective does not want us to do that for the simple reason that they would tell their son who would tell our daughter who would then start destroying evidence like computer stuff, etc.

This makes sense. It's probably a good reason to not talk to her husband for now, too.

 

[BusynMember]

One last word on who to tell.

It isn't good to keep things bottled up either. Telling strangers, outside the World of YOU is in my opinion best. That's why I said a therapist is good. He will not tell anyone and can be objective and is not invested in your life. He will be calm and not overly emotional and certainly won't throw dirt in your face.

There is always someone in the midst of family and friends (usually more than one) who actually secretly enjoy hearing about the drama; maybe are even personality-disordered themselves and enjoy your hurt...if anything gets to them, and they have a way of finding out things, then you will quadruple your angst and get sidetracked.

Like the others said, you are not yet ready to know who to tell, if anyone at all. You are still in shock. This is YOUR tragedy, nobody else's, and you and husband need to guard yourselves with love so that you are not hurt by any more people. A simple "We're not ready to share" is sufficient if anyone asks you anything. And then don't. Walk away. Leave. Hang up. You're busy...someone is at the door.

Like Scent, I have spoken too much to too many and violated my own boundaries. I call it my own diarrhea of the mouth and, boy, have I been sorry. By the time the tenth person has come to me asking about my story (somebody I haven't told first hand) the story doesn't resemble anything of the truth. And since I get so emotional while talking to my "confidante" half the time I can't remember what I said so I don't even know if I relayed the story coherently. I have learned that others, including family and friends, have to earn my trust in order to hear my secrets and I go by past behavior because I don't believe people magically change. When I have big issues, and I do, I talk to my therapist. Very few people in my town even know I have a thirty-six year old son who has caused me endless grief. I don't discuss him very often and he lives in Missouri, which is several states away and he never travels here. There is no reason for anyone who lives here to know about him. I really am not up to the normal questions: "So what does your son do? Is he a nice young man?" That sort of thing. I can avoid having to lie or evade by not discussing him at all. So I don't.

 

[jeanne in CA]

I am supposed to meet with the psychiatrist on Tuesday, so we will see how that works out. He is also stunned at the complexity and comprehensiveness of everything she did. Last time we only had a few minutes and I couldn't begin to cover all the questions I had. You are correct about us being in shock. It is hard to avoid having people ask about her and the baby when they always saw us together. She only lives a half hour away so anyone who know us knows her. Now when most people ask I just say she is fine and change the subject quickly. I know exactly what you mean about the drama seekers. Fortunately they are easy to spot and avoid. I have no problem at all turning them around, it is the close friends that we don't see too often but still are very dear to us that are the harder ones. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im still in utter shock over this and I dont even know you! I cannot wrap my head around how anyone could do this...and that is saying something when it comes from a "difficult child"...lol.

I understand your bewilderment about how to explain the new relationship (or lack thereof) with your daughter to other people. I live in a pretty small town and my boys grew up here. Almost everyone I know knows them. Inevitably when I run into someone they will ask about one or the other. I tend to loosely use a line in a country song The Baby. In it the singer says...the oldest is doing fine, loves his job, then there is middle and his wife, dont his kids look nice..and well...youngest is a little bit crazy, but he is my baby. Something along those lines. Im sure you could come up with a line that will roll off your tongue. Now when people ask about my son I just say, well Cory is Cory, what can I say? No one has ever asked me to be clearer...lol.

 

[jeanne in CA]

Ok, I have to admit you do make me laugh which is wonderful. Can I use those lines if I mentally give you credit?

The best way to describe our situation is to think of one very large puzzle that is made up of over twenty-three smaller puzzles. Each small puzzle has its own set of details that I painstakingly had to piece together before they could all be put in place to see the larger picture. Unfortunately, our big picture was not an attractive one, permeated as it is with our daughter’s lying and cheating, and the resulting, bone-deep sense of betrayal and devastation we felt. Uncovering that picture has already taken over a year of daily discovery that routinely consisted of twelve hours a day gathering data, analyzing data, and putting the pieces together.
It has been heartbreaking work. There are no words for the shame, humiliation, and anxiety I felt each day as I tried to pry information out of the clutches of uncaring, impersonal, or even incompetent individuals who had the ability to either provide me with information regarding my own accounts or simply insist I obtain a search warrant before they would tell me anything. They often hid behind policy and procedural issues and found every way possible to not help me. I had cried nearly every day for the past three years as I tried in vain to deal with my mother’s death and one financial crisis after another. Once I found out who had caused it all, I broke down every time I spoke to anyone. I cried because I was ashamed to be in this situation. I cried because the story sounded incredible even to my own ears. I cried because every time I asked for information about our own accounts, I had to recount the reasons why I needed it. I cried when people were mean and I cried when they were kind. I cried because every time I got the information I needed, that information came with new discovery of the depths of our daughter’s betrayal. And, I cried because I knew I had no options but to carry on. My husband and I had agreed early on that she had to be stopped before she ruined other lives beyond ours. As her parents, stopping her was our responsibility, as difficult as we knew that would be.

The best thing so far to happen to us is the detective who is investigating our case. He believes every word I have told him and of course it helps that I had concrete proof. We live in a pretty big city in northern CA and he said it is the biggest case they have had. Unfortunately they do not have a dedicated fraud unit so that, coupled with the complexity, really slows things down. He told me this week that he things we are getting closer to the DA filing charges. He is only waiting to get the information back from a couple of additional search warrants that show that all the emails and banking documents were coming from her ip address rather than a bank. (He has to write separate warrants for everything!)

Thanks again for your kind words and support.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Jeanne,
Wanted you to know I am following your posts...and glad you found this forum. The day you first posted, my back was hurting and the next day I learned it was a kidney stone...or i would have expressed my empathy sooner. (Stay hydrated!!)

If our 33gfg had the wherewithal, i can totally see him pulling this. I am thankful you have this detective. Surely, before too long, the tides will turn in your direction as far as the fraud.

husband and i have had no contact with 33gfg in months and it has become "better" each day. Not what we ever wanted, but the only path, once our eyes were finally opened.

Hugs,
SS

 

[jeanne in CA]

Hi SS, Thank you so much for your message, and I am very glad you are feeling better. I have never had kidney stones but oddly enough the detective was out for two weeks with them and he said they are awful!

It has been a very long time indeed since the police have gotten involved and I only hope that in the end, justice will prevail. If not, I will have the comfort of knowing I did everything I could. I feel the same way about not seeing her as you do about not seeing your son. Every day has gotten better. Perhaps the biggest heartbreak is knowing that this child that you gave birth to and loved so completely never really loved back. At first, I thought maybe she would miss me. Now, I realize that her dad and I were just collateral damage in her greater scheme of things.

I think her singleminded determination gave her the impetus to develop the wherewithal to do all the things she did. Typical where there is a will there is a way. Glad to see your son's will was not as strong.

Thank you again for your kindness.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Jeanne,

This has helped me a tad. Sociopaths (not saying your daughter is one, but we think our son is) are not capable of feeling remorse. They just cannot.

I am guessing they CAN choose not to screw their parents. But, once they have, they will not feel badly about it. Difficult to understand, but I believe it.

Stay close to this forum---such strength here. Such camaraderie and understanding....don't know that we could ever find it elsewhere.

 

[jeanne in CA]

SS, thank you so much. I absolutely believe that she is a sociopath or has antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder or whatever all that stuff means. If they truly cannot feel remorse than I wonder if they can love? I am not thinking of us so much as I am her two beautiful babies. I absolutely do believe that they CAN choose not to screw their parents. She chose us because it was easy. She knew we loved her, and she was very very cunning about not letting her true self show through to us or anyone else. Scary stuff.

I told my husband tonight that I think that we need to install security cameras in addition to the alarm system we already have. The closer the police get to confronting or arresting her the more nervous I am about her trying to contact us. And, I would predict that once we refuse to respond to her attempts she will be furious. We simply do not know what she is capable of at this point. She has never been violent but she has never faced what she will be facing in the months to come. She will most definitely blame us which is fine as long as she doesn't try to act on her anger.

Sounds like two of your three kids are doing fine. Have to admit that those are better results than mine. lol. Bless you.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Jeanne,

I'm stunned reading about your daughter's betrayal and the trauma and despair you have had to endure. You've gotten a lot of great words of support so far. I'm in awe how you have been able to unravel it all.

This jumped out at me:

If they truly cannot feel remorse than I wonder if they can love? I am not thinking of us so much as I am her two beautiful babies.

As a child raised by a sociopath father, if your daughter is, indeed, a sociopath, she will not feel "love" for her children. It doesn't mean she will be abusive or neglectful, but there will be no love felt on her part. She is incapable of it. The world, and everyone in it, is about serving her needs and wants (as you are so painfully aware) and this WILL include her children. Hopefully, your sister in law will provide a barrier between her and the kids.

That she stole from you while projecting the ruse of helping you demonstrates the degree of what she will do to get what she wants. My father stole from me and even served me up as a sacrificial lamb when he was under investigation for tax evasion. It's a long story, with ties to his business when I worked with him for a while. It was one of many traumas that man put me through.

I suppose I share this because a sociopath almost never changes. They simply don't think that anything is wrong with them and because they are incapable of guilt or empathy, people that are in a weakened state are highly vulnerable to their cunning schemes. I simply was desperate for my father's love. Once I had children I became unless willing to be involved with him. Finally, he lied to me once too many times, and I said "no more". I did not see or speak to him in the five years before he died and I felt nothing when he did die.

Sociopaths are like sharks in a sense, they are highly sensitive to the smell of blood. It just takes a couple of drops in miles of water. I absolutely know that if my Dad were to come into the knowledge that I had any money, his only thought would be how to get his hands on it. I couldn't count all the people, family and friends, he swindled, ripped off, and stole from.

I'm sorry for the reasons why you are here, but I am glad you have found us.

 

[Childofmine]

I would want to choke them if they did. O

Thanks Cedar. I appreciate your saying that. It is so hurtful and bewildering when people you love carelessly say these types of things. I know they can't and don't get it. How can they? This type of loss that we suffer here goes on and on and on forever, it seems. It is unlike a death or anything else I can think of. There is very little redemption while it is happening.

It must be like when someone loses a child---the child is taken---and the person doesn't ever get closure. Or perhaps a parent whose son is a POW in another country. I don't know. It is the endless pain that is so hard to bear over time.

***********

Jeanne---your story is so, I don't even know the word, bewildering and awful to contemplate. Her actions are so callous. Anyway, once she is arrested, is someone going to bail her out immediately? I mean, someone like her husband?

And if that happens, is she going to be striking back at you and husband?

I am glad you are thinking about security cameras and systems.

And just the basics, like locking your cars and doors and windows. Last night someone was in our neighborhood and walked into a neighbor's house---he had left the door unlocked----and stole a safe. That has made me think more about any possible vulnerabilities of my house. I live here alone, but I have a security system that is wired into the police station. All of my windows and doors are wired. I turn it on every night. My car is in the garage with the door down every night. I leave a couple of lights on in the house.

Theoretically, if someone breaks in through a window or door, the alarm will go off, and the police will come if I don't answer the phone and give the password.

I hope you and husband will be safe from her possible fury. You have suffered enough and I just hope she doesn't get out and/or doesn't come there if she does.

Hugs to you today.

 

[layne]

I am new to this forum so please bear with me. I am stunned to see how many people have had problems with their adult children stealing from them. I do hope things are going better for you by now. Last year my husband and I discovered that our adult daughter had assumed our identities and stolen our entire life savings of over $300,000. She was able to produce fraudulent documents of bank statements and other letters and emails that were so realistic that even the banks themselves could not tell they were false. We confronted her with the evidence we had at the time and of course she said we were demented. We gave her a month to come forward but finally had to report the theft to the police. In addition to the money she stole, she left us with credit card debt of around $60,000 and $64,000 arrearages to our mortgage company. We were forced to file bankruptcy in order to save our home. It has been over a year since we have seen her and the police, while very diligent in their investigation, are taking a very long time. They say it is the biggest case they have had of this nature. This past year has been devastating needless to say. She is absolutely not addicted to drugs or alcohol since we were able to track most of the stolen money back to purchases like $1500.00 purses, $1000 dollar hair appointments and thousands of dollars in plane tickets. To make matters worse, she is married to a cop. She also has two young children that we are not able to see. We know that the worst is yet to come but feel we have no choice but to see this thing through. She and I were always very close and I still cannot believe I did not see what she was doing.

Jesus H. Christ. Are you 100% positive that it is her??? If so, what a wicked little witch! I can't even being to comprehend what child would thieve their own parents and to the point that they have nothing and then some. I don't even see how this is possible! That's why I keep asking the question in my head, are you 10000000% sure that your daughter would do something like this? Maybe some scam artist got a hold of you and your husbands identities? I don't know. But how did you find out it was your daughter who did this awful, AWFUL, HORRENDOUS , thing? I haven't read all the replies, but I didn't see one SPECIFIC thing that tied her to it.

 

[DammitJanet]

Jeanne, I know on a much smaller sense that feeling of betrayal. I think I mentioned in my first reply to you that my son also stole from me. For some odd reason he felt that he was entitled to part of my money when I got my disability. He stole a book of checks that I had hidden and forged 3 of them to the tune of $1500. For me that was a lot of money. He was mad and jealous because I gave his older brother a thousand bucks but what he wasnt thinking of was that I was paying off HIS debt! And actually if my son had not stolen that money I was planning on buying him something nice for his birthday which was when he stole the money.

He made me so mad that I felt forced to charge him. I simply couldnt let that pass. I also had to do all the work for the cops and get the pictures from the bank, copies of the checks, etc. If I hadnt kept on them to file charges I dont think they ever would. In fact I got some flack from people at the courts because I was his mother and I was forcing this issue.

As far as them loving and not loving..well I dont know. I know my son could have chosen better. He was raised better. He has two very law abiding brothers. He does know right from wrong. He was sorry at the time. I also know he loves his children but he doesnt have the same sense that most of us do about how one should parent responsibly. He adores them and wouldnt physically hurt them but he also has this weird sense of entitlement that allows him to steal if he cant get what he needs legally. I cant do that. He wasnt taught that. I would beg if I needed something badly for my kids but I couldnt go in a store and steal something. He and his girlfriend seem fine with it. I dont get it.

 

[jeanne in CA]

"Dazed and confused"- I cannot even imagine having a parent like yours. I think one of the things that has kept me partially sane throughout this entire ordeal is the fact that I had incredibly parents and I believe that they are helping me through this from wherever they are. Our parents are supposed to be our rock and foundation. Mine were so I had absolutely no frame of reference for the type of behavior our daughter has displayed. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

"Child of mine"- On the bail issue, I assume she will try to get bail somewhere. We certainly don't have the money and would not put up money if we did. That would be stupid and hopefully we are beyond being stupid. I intend to talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow about what kind of behavior we can expect from her once she is confronted by the police and in the meantime we are taking every precaution on basic security.

"Dammit Janet"- I know exactly what you mean in terms of having to do the work for the police. In our situation, they admit they would never have unraveled the mess. I am sure that must have been so hard on you.

"-Layne"- thank you for your question and I appreciate so much the obvious hope you have that she might not be the one responsible. Trust me she is. I have tied much of the money back to her own accounts or to my accounts where she was spending it from and then producing fraudulent statements showing that it was still in my account. I have obtained withdrawal forms with her writing on them and her dad's and my forged signatures. I have obtained copies of checks stolen from my checkbook with my forged signature and bank records of where she deposited the money. I have accessed, through a relative, her Facebook account and printed out over 300 pages of pictures and messages for the police where she wrote about where she was and what she was buying and then I tied those trips and purchases directly back to my bank accounts. That is just to name a few examples. Some of the most compelling evidence, however, is her own handwritten notes to me about some of these banks and credit card companies where she supposedly talked to people on my behalf while I was working on other financial emergencies. I have learned that none of the people she supposedly talked to even exist. The problems were so numerous that I simply could not handle them all alone and she kept telling me she would help me get them resolved. That is not to mention the hundreds and hundreds of emails from "bankers" telling me that the problems on my accounts were result of their own errors and they were so apologetic as they promised they were working on them. By tracing the IP addresses, I discovered that they did not come from places like NY and South Dakota where they were supposed to be from. Rather, they came from her locations. Oh my, I could go on and on but you get the picture. Regardless, thank you for asking about whether we were absolutely sure. The answer is that we are absolutely, totally, and heartbreakingly sure.

In terms of our financial situation, we were in doing well before her thefts and cover-ups. My husband and I had worked hard for many years, and planned for retirement and our future. We had managed our money so that we lived well----but we also lived well within our means. We had saved our entire lives. We had personal savings, IRAs 401Ks, investment accounts, and healthy balances in checking accounts. In addition, we had both received lump sums from the State for unused vacation and I had inherited several thousand dollars after my parents died. (That money was the result of selling the family farm and my mother’s death and was particularly precious to me. I had told our daughter that I considered that money sacred and I wanted to use it for something very, very special. I found out she got 35,000 from that account alone.)
Our values were basic. Work hard, save for the future, and family is foremost. Our parents were farmers and immigrants who worked hard and earned every penny they ever had. Our values were in our DNA, inherited from parents who never had it easy and never squandered what they earned. My own dad once said that if he never taught his kids another thing, he would teach them how to work. He knew that through work came self-sufficiency and self-esteem. We tried to teach our daughter the same lesson. Obviously it didn't stick.

I have come to the conclusion that prosecuting our daughter is a gift. It gives her a chance to start over and change her ways if she chooses to do so. If she doesn't there is nothing we can do about it. The harsh reality is that we really have had no choice. Once we discovered the identity theft, we either had to report her to the police or pay the bills. Paying the bills was never an option because she had emptied out all of our accounts except for about $2000 in her father’s account that she had not managed to appropriate. She left me with $42 dollars. On top of the over $300,000 she stole, she left us with over $100,000 in mortgage and credit card debt. Getting a loan was not an option because she had irrevocably ruined our credit. Prosecuting her is all we can do. It is love at its toughest.

 

[layne]

Jesus Christ. She seems like a con-artist to the fullest extent. If everything you say is true, I have to wonder if she already didn't do this to someone else. It seems her skills are of the highest level. How is your husband handling all of this? How are you two handling the lost of all this money? Emotionally and financially?

 

[jeanne in CA]

Believe me, everything I say is true. I have already given the police every piece of evidence I have and the detective is behind us on this. She is definitely a con-artist. I doubt that she has done anything like this to anyone else for the simple reason she didn't have to. She had us. Subsequent to our cutting off ties a year ago I have discovered a couple of small cons she pulled on other people and turned that information over to the police as well. One was a rubber check for her maternity pictures (really, who would make this stuff up?) for over $600 and then told the photographer that it was a bank error and then produced a letter from the bank taking responsibility for the errors. Classic. The other was agreeing to trade a woman on-line a very expensive Louis Vuitton purse for one of her own (that cost over $1000 and came out of my bank account I later found out). When the woman sent her the purse, our daughter claimed it was a fake and then refused to send her the one she promised in trade.

Her skills are absolutely at the highest level which is why we were hoping someone else was involved and perhaps talked her into doing these things. There was no way we thought she had the technical ability to do this stuff. To date, we have found absolutely no evidence indicating anyone else was involved at all.

As for my husband and I, we are determine not to let this define how we live. There was enormous stress between us for a very long time, first because he couldn't understand why we were having all the problems and why on earth I could not get them resolved. He offered to help but I kept telling him I was working on it and showing him proof (emails, statements, letters etc. later determined to be forgeries) that I had bankers and high level management people working on everything. Since I had handled all the accounts and bills etc for the entire time we have been together, it made sense that I was the one trying to unravel things. Also, my name was on most everything so we knew they wouldn't even talk to him.

Things are better between us now. Once we found out who was responsible, it finally made sense as devastating as it was. He is simply frozen. He can't deal with the mess and I can't deal with much other than the mess. He is supportive of my efforts and says he doesn't know how I do it. But, really, who else? If he can't deal with it and the police couldn't unravel it, my choices were limited. Either get to the bottom of things myself or let it go.

Financially, once we got the theft stopped and we filed Chapter 13, at least the bill collectors stopped calling, mailing, and showing up at our door. I went back to work part time and between that and the tax amendment we were able to pay off my brother which was such an emotional burden. I will carry the guilt from that for the rest of my life. Our Chapter 13 attorney is working with the creditors explaining that the debts were not ours but in the meantime the attorney bills have amounted to thousands.

As for coping, I sometimes binge on green tea and mindless tv. I would take up drinking but can't afford the alcohol. Same for drugs. lol

We are still very blessed in many ways. We have my family, our son, and our retirement income. We are still together and still in good health. We know that there are very stressful times ahead and are trying to prepare.

 

[Tiredof33]

Jeanne in CA my heart goes out to you. in my opinion you are strides ahead of many of us when we began the difficult child struggle. Guilt of the problems in my marriage and the father walking out on us were used against me my by son for many years. It took me many years to see the manipulation and overcome the enabling. They see us as easy prey and they are correct, most will not go to the police.

My son started drugs, alcohol, and acting out at an early age. I was trying to keep food on the table and I sometimes thought (in the past) I should have gone on welfare to be at home more! He blames everyone for his problems but himself.

My son stole from me and helped his friends steal, my car, Christmas presents, one time I came home and my entire apartment was empty. I always filed police reports.

I had my son in as many programs as I could afford and he was court ordered rehab twice. I thought he had finally gotten his life together. He relapsed and I was thrown back into the center of a nightmare. Only this time I started looking after ME!

After my son threatened suicide when I stopped giving money I decided I had enough. I'm sure he really was living on the streets then! It was so hard for me to see my son for what he really is, the shock was wearing off and I started taking care of myself. My son can weave elaborate lies and look you straight in the eyes to convince you of his tales. His lack of remorse, or ever admitting to his involvement in conns is unnerving for me.

I don't hear from him much and after two years that doesn't bother me as much. I have close family members that are (extremely) critical of that so I don't discuss it with them. The only people that I do discuss things with are my husband (not his father) and my daughter. I meet with a wonderful small group for spiritual study once a week and the topic of adult children often come up. One very nice lady talks about how many problems one daughter gave her. The worse thing to her was when the daughter searched for a man to have a child out of wedlock. I hug her and just say my son was a problem child too. Actually, one of my many blessings is he doesn't have children, I know they would be used as pawns and I would never see them.

I was having a really hard time when I found this forum. I had joined a forum before and one lady would always tell members, 'your kid is a loser, just face reality and get a life', lol, I left that one fast. I shared in group once that I was considering going no contact with my son and many appeared shocked and told me there was nothing their child could do that would make them go no contact. My thoughts were, if they had walked in my shoes they may change their minds lol.

I have often wondered in the past what I did to deserve this is life. I can now accept that it's out of my control and enjoy my life. I honestly believe (for me anyway) we never really get over it, we just learn to live with it. Mental illness comes in may forms.

I found reading the posts, posting myself, and reading the many books written on our problems helped me tremendously.

(((hugs and peace)))