Adult son 33 is homeless, Im Mom, 57, trying so hard to detach, not enable...

Michellefuq

New Member
I am in the struggle of my life, trying to set boundaries and watch my son go down hill. He has had many problems with responsibility his whole adult life and we, my husband, his stepdad, have enabled him since he was 18. He has had addiction problems but mostly just severe inability or refusal to deal with life. He was evicted in June from an apt I paid for, and is living in his car that we pay for. (have to, was stupid enough to co pay 1 1/2 years ago.) We have stopped most of support, but I still get sucked in and it is killing me, not to mention affecting my job and marriage. Some days I am so strong and sure I am doing the right thing, other days I am just sad. Im not conflicted about not enabling him anymore; I fully believe this is the right thing to do, but winter is coming and watching him be homeless is so hard. I am getting ready to get a restraining order so he will stop calling me at work; up to 50 times a day!!!! We had to get a no trespassing orderr to keep him from coming to our house to demand money for a hotel. I am a fool but I listen to the voicemails and call him back!!! Im in therapy and reading tons about co dependancy and enabling, but I'm not following the program very well lately. I think codependancy in a parent child relationship is harder to break, especially for a mother. I changed my cell phone number and now have peace on weekends, but come to work to tons of desperate voicemails. His tale lately is that he cant get a job because he has no clean clothes and cant shower: both untrue. I keep telling him to go to mental health clinic. I need peace and I need strengh to watcth this play out.
Dear mom, I can relate because I am a mom who as well has a son just turned 28 with same/ similar issues. I raised my son alone after leaving his father, my husband who was an alcoholic and drug addict as well as very abusive. I know my inability to overcome many of my own problems have affected his life and caused him many if the problems he has atm. However I am/have learned/ am still learning how to put up healthy boundaries as I am in recovery to pain pills for nearly 4 years and getting ready to graduate the program in 6-7 months. I was adopted and abused until I was placed in a group home at 15, but by then the damage was done. I didn't understand the phycology of it until I was in recovery myself, and now I find myself feeling guilty and on occasion giving in by giving him $ because I know I helped put him in this position by my codependency and trauma. Here is a video that helped me a lot. Don't focus on the spiritual part as it may not be for you, rather listen to the mother's word's and heart. Much love, Mom from Pennsylvania

 

Shelley

Helicopter Mom in Recovery
You're welcome. I found this board last January, just as everything heated up with my daughter and she was arrested and then lived with us for awhile, then lived in her car, it was horrible. However, with the support of others on this board, I saw that not only was I not alone, but others were going through all the same feelings and fears, resentments, sorrows and nightmares about what COULD happen to our kids. I had to find that strength just as you are right now, it is not natural to have to do what we have to do.

I don't know where you live, but I'm in California and I belong to a very large Health org. called Kaiser, which has a remarkably good codependency program in their chemical dependency network. They have therapists trained in codependency and offer private therapy as well as groups. The groups are wonderful because I am among other mothers who are heartbroken about their kids choices, whether it's because of substance abuse, mental illness or both. We see ourselves in each other and really help one another get through this. It's a year long program which came to me just as all of this was coming to a head. Now that I am (or seem to be and hope to be) passed the worst part, I can look back and really see that without all of that support, I think I would have been suffering a whole lot longer and perhaps maybe not been able to let go at all. I don't know, but what I do know is that the support of trained individuals helped me to see the whole thing through a different perspective, and with support that perspective made more and more sense and helped me to let go and accept. Acceptance is the key, in my opinion. If you have a spiritual network, it's very helpful to utilize prayer and meditation as well.

It goes against so much of what we feel in our hearts that we want to do for our children, it goes against all our instincts to protect and love and nurture and help. It's like trying to stop a run-away train. That's why you need so much support. Look into your health plan and see if anything like that is offered where you live. If your son is mentally challenged as well, look in to the local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness- that's who I got my daughter hooked up with) they offer support groups for families, for you, and believe me, it helps you to understand, cope, find resources and begin to find peace. Just keep digging until you find the right resources for you. The way out of this, as I see it, in addition to detaching from your son, is to really take EXCELLENT, continuing care of yourself, to get all the support you can so that you can not only detach from him, but have a good, healthy, joyful, peaceful life. You certainly deserve that, especially now, as we are older and close to retirement.

I send you warm wishes and prayers that you find peace and a light heart. Oh, and have a wonderful vacation with your husband and daughter, put this all aside and go have fun! (I went to Kauai when my daughter was homeless, it was hard, but it really helped to break the unhealthy connection) (((HUGS)))
I so need help!
 

runawaybunny

Administrator
Staff member
I am here to support you. Parenting can be really hard and scary. Hang in there and take care of yourself first. You deserve it.
 

jrisavy

New Member
Hi all, I am so glad I found this page tonight. We are struggling with our almost 27 year old son. He had it all but when he hit the college years it all fell apart. We have supported him through 5 colleges, 1 rehab, 1 stepdown and 1 sober living. He has been sober 3 years but he just keeps dragging his feet in getting his degree. He was supposed to finish it this past spring and self sabotaged and failed one course. So, in keeping with an agreement we made last December, we let him know that we were cutting him off (in our opinion, we supported him for too long). He has the money to take the one last class to get his degree. He is supposed to be driving an Uber to make money so he can afford his bills and to be able to stay in his apartment but we just found out from him that he has only worked about 8 hours in the last two weeks. We had to finally tell him we were really done, we've been manipulated and lied to for so long. I am giving you such a shortened version of what we've gone through. I feel awful but I told him this was the end of the road for us. That he is no longer welcome to come home, thank God he lives on the other side of the country, but I will have no idea if he ends up homeless or if he ends up pulling it together. I told him as his mother I love him but that he's not a part of our family at this time. I feel numb and awful and I want to punch anyone who tells me about their perfect kid!
 

Double A

New Member
Hi Bambi, welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry you are going through all of this with your son. I too have an adult daughter who cannot take care of herself well, is sometimes homeless, makes bad choices, etc. however, it's mental illness, not addiction. I too am raising her daughter, my granddaughter, who is 16 now (and also thinks of her mother in a similar way as your granddaughter thinks of her Dad).

It sounds to me as if you have done a lot for your son, likely way beyond a lot. At this point, there is nothing more to do. I can say that with the absolute full knowledge of what that means to you and how much it hurts to get to that point. There is no where to go from here but for you to let go, detach, accept the situation and your son for what it is and who he is. You cannot change it. You didn't create it. You cannot make him healthy or guide him to the right place when he doesn't want to go there. Like you, I tried everything too. Most of us here do. And, most of us get to the point you're at, we hit that wall and then what? All your instincts say, protect, love, take care of, give, make better, help........but you've done all of that, right? And, he is still the same.

So, now is the challenging part, you must set strict boundaries, boundaries that have you as the focus, that protect you, your husband and your granddaughter, boundaries that keep your son's lifestyle choices out of your life. Which, I know from experience, is the hardest thing you'll ever do. And, at this point, exactly what you have to do. All you can control is your reactions to him and exactly what you are willing to do and not willing to do. I would give that a lot of thought and come up with a plan.

What I did with my daughter was to get her connected to the local Mental health organization which can provide housing, counseling, jobs, training, education, health care, etc. (NAMI- the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which you can Google and find a chapter in your area if that feels right to you) I paid for her to get to what I called "level ground" since she had, by her own choices and by some terrible things that happened to her that weren't her choice, fallen so far down, she needed some help getting back. I provided that help all the while telling her that once everything was arranged, she was then on her own. And, finally, once I accomplished that, I realized the other part of her life is creating intense dramas which were emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and spiritually draining me, so I told her to keep all of that away from me because it was having such a negative impact on me. The final boundary I set with her was to tell her not to contact me until she had gotten into therapy AND gotten a job. I cannot be involved in her life. So far, she has honored that request. I have no contact with her except occasional emails. I hope she can avail herself to the help that's been offered, but I don't know if she will.

This is not the ideal life I wanted with my only child, but it is the only life I can have which respects me, keeps me out of the insanity of her choices, and keeps me away from watching her live in the horror of her life where I feel helpless, angry, filled with sorrow all the time and hooked into riding the line of helping versus enabling. It is just too much for me. I had to let go and I had to accept my limitations in what I actually could control in her life, which is nothing.

Your son, like my daughter, may end up living on the street, go to jail, get hurt, or worse, on and on the scary thoughts will go............and there is nothing we can do. I am in your age bracket and since I let go of my daughter, my life is reflecting calm and peace and laughter once again. You deserve that, your husband and granddaughter deserve that too. And, soon, she will be off in her own life and you deserve to retire and enjoy your life NOW, not when you are 90 and your son is still stealing your life force from you.

Get support to do this, it's very hard. Get into therapy, get into a group. talk more here, read books, pray, take long walks, appreciate nature and laugh more. For me, getting a lot of support was the answer, it so helped me to make sense of all of this and to make choices for ME. Our kids are in G-d's hands now, a far better place then ours. I'm sorry. I wish you peace and the knowledge that you're doing the right thing. (((HUGS)))
Im not sure if this is a forum still up and running. But, I wanted to say all of this has helped me. Thank you!
 

KAB33

New Member
Hello, so glad to see that I'm not alone anymore! I found this site yesterday out of sheer desperation. I typed "What to do when your child steals from you" in the search engine and thankfully, this forum came back. This thread spoke to my situation as my GFC is 21 and headed towards that end. The story is too long to tell right now - almost don't know where to begin. Suffice it to say that I reached the end of my rope with him last night and asked him to leave.

Of course he was back in an hour asking if he could just stay here at night and he would leave during the day. Somehow, I had the strength to say no and close the door while he was attempting to manipulate me by saying, "Whatever happens to me out here is on your head!". Almost right after I locked the door for the 3rd time, he knocked again, this time with tears in his eyes. Unmoved, I demanded that he check into a facility immediatley to get help because there is nothing else I can do for him at this point.

This morning I took him in, provided my insurance card and left him with a stern warning. "Don't even think about calling me with a sob story in a few days, telling me that all is well and you're back on track! Stay here and address your issues - all of them! This is the last thing that I can do for you. If you choose to walk away from this opportunity to get well, you're on your own." He called tonight and seems to be readjusting well (he was there last year). His attitude seems positive and he says that he is looking forward to the therapy. So far so good. The only part thing is that we've had so many starts/stops on this journey so far. I'm just praying that this one will be on going. Thankfully he is only addicted to pot. I'm sure it could be much worse. Then again, pot for him is like heroin to others so at the end of the day, I guess it's the same thing. He has lied, stolen, become violent and verbally abusive all while going through the cycle of manic depression. This is my little boy with the smile that warmed my heart. Somewhere along the line, he turned into someone that is unrecognizable and breaks my heart. I keep trying to save him but of course it isn't working. I'm not sure where this will end. I'm just praying that it doesn't end with him homeless or dead.

So many thoughts, so much more background and detail. So many other things going on at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could have a nervous breakdown, I just don't have the time!!! Forgive my weak attempt at adding some levity here. I try to smile where I can while I hold on! Thanks for reading and for your honesty which helped tremendously. Best wishes in your respective situations.

:hangin:
This is my son. Now 33, pot user for 15 years. He is on the verge of homeless, has a low paying job at a vape shop and is threatening to either sell his car and become a drug dealer or come to our house and destroy it. He wants us to buy/rent him a place to live. We want to retire soon. We pay for all car expenses except gas. We send money when he's in-between jobs ( which he frequently quits). He even got his so called dream job working in the cannibis industry and quit bc the weed they were growing was moldy and managers were quitting.
He has Medicaid but finding therapy that takes this insurance is very hard. Where can we turn? We are in Virginia. He needs therapy, career counseling, and to quit vaping pot.
 

Nandina

Member
Hi KAB33 and welcome. You have come to the right place for support and advice. We truly get it.

I’m wondering, is your son mentally ill? Or in any way unable to care for himself other than he is apparently addicted to pot?

He is 33 and unless he decides to make changes on his own, there is not a whole lot you can do, other than to be supportive when and if he decides to change and right now it appears he doesn’t want to. You can’t make him do anything. The only person you’ll ever have control over is yourself. You’ll read that a lot on this forum but it’s the best advice I think any of us will ever receive.

So many of us have been in or are in the same boat with our addicted adult kids. We’ve wasted time and money on treatments, cars, helping with apartments, jobs—you name it. It doesn’t help. These kids will take and take, lay on the guilt and have you in knots and consumed with worry—IF you let them.

Many of us have learned ways to step off this roller coaster and start taking care of ourselves for the sake of our own mental health. It’s hard but doable. And besides, you won’t be around forever to rescue your son. What will happen after you’re gone? It’s time he learn to make it on his own and face the consequences of his bad decisions.

Are you in any type of therapy, or a support group such as Alanon? I would highly recommend finding some support to help you stop enabling him and put the focus on you, where it belongs. Lots of parents here have great things to say about alanon and probably will be along shortly to add their support.

I offer this advice in the spirit of love. There is no judgment as we’ve all been where you are. You can detach from your son’s chaos with a little work on yourself. I’ve done it; many of us have done it. We’re here to support you in your journey. Keep posting, it really helps.
 

Blighty

Member
Welcome KAB
I think you will find really good support from people who attend Nar-Anon meetings or another 12 step group for family members if local to you. Many meetings now available online. They will be in similar situations to yourself. By helping yourself you will also be helping your son. Love and blessings to you.
 

poola

New Member
This
I am in the struggle of my life, trying to set boundaries and watch my son go down hill. He has had many problems with responsibility his whole adult life and we, my husband, his stepdad, have enabled him since he was 18. He has had addiction problems but mostly just severe inability or refusal to deal with life. He was evicted in June from an apt I paid for, and is living in his car that we pay for. (have to, was stupid enough to co pay 1 1/2 years ago.) We have stopped most of support, but I still get sucked in and it is killing me, not to mention affecting my job and marriage. Some days I am so strong and sure I am doing the right thing, other days I am just sad. Im not conflicted about not enabling him anymore; I fully believe this is the right thing to do, but winter is coming and watching him be homeless is so hard. I am getting ready to get a restraining order so he will stop calling me at work; up to 50 times a day!!!! We had to get a no trespassing orderr to keep him from coming to our house to demand money for a hotel. I am a fool but I listen to the voicemails and call him back!!! Im in therapy and reading tons about co dependancy and enabling, but I'm not following the program very well lately. I think codependancy in a parent child relationship is harder to break, especially for a mother. I changed my cell phone number and now have peace on weekends, but come to work to tons of desperate voicemails. His tale lately is that he cant get a job because he has no clean clothes and cant shower: both untrue. I keep telling him to go to mental health clinic. I need peace and I need strengh to watcth this play out.
Is basically my life also. My son sleeps at the park near me and won't go to a shelter . I block him from my phone or he calls me 50 a day at work. So hard.
 

tommi

New Member
This

Is basically my life also. My son sleeps at the park near me and won't go to a shelter . I block him from my phone or he calls me 50 a day at work. So hard.
omg, I thought it was just me, my son is 48 years old, homeless because of mad choices, everyday it is i need money i will freeze i am hungry, I am going to die. Help me help 24 hours a day. First nice then come the threats to get what he wants. He does have mental issues. He gets small amount of money a month but falls for the people who act like a friend till money is gone. And then so are they. he been evicted again for not paying bills. So again, it is help me help me. You cannot imagen how much I have help. but as of this day because of ya'll. NO more. I know it is cold, I know he is hungry, and I know I love him. But He is going to give me a heart attack.
 

tommi

New Member
IT is awful that I pray for death to get some piece. I know my family will never understand, there answer is just to ignored him.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Aloha Tommi,
I am sorry for your need to be here, with that written, welcome. I have two wayward adult daughters, one on the streets and one in rehab (again).
It is an extremely difficult journey for all here. Heart wrenching.
IT is awful that I pray for death to get some piece. I know my family will never understand, there answer is just to ignored him.
I think those who have not been down this path don’t understand how hard it is to “just ignore” the choices our beloved adult children make. Your son is 48. I am guessing this has been a long, long time that you have dealt with his issues. It is awful and I am sorry for the pain of it. I have had my moments as well, when death seems a better alternative than dealing with this hellish roller coaster. But. What would that accomplish? So, we are stuck with figuring out how to deal with a circumstance that we have absolutely no control over. The only control we do have, is how we react to it.
So again, it is help me help me. You cannot imagen how much I have help. but as of this day because of ya'll. NO more. I know it is cold, I know he is hungry, and I know I love him. But He is going to give me a heart attack.
I think I can imagine how much you have tried to help. I was there as well, and fight that part of myself still, that thinks my help will help. It doesn’t. It’s because we have been trained by our wayward adult kids, a sort of never ending boot camp that elicits a necessary response to the consequences of their choices. No, is a response. Love says no. They know every trick in the book to tug at our heartstrings to get us to respond with yes. They have learned how to get us to put ourselves in last place, so that we will bend to their wishes. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Someone has to put a stop to the madness, and it has to be us. Rather than wishing our own death to get some peace, we can pray for our adult children to find their own peace, then set out on our journey to find our own. It is not easy work, but it is possible to work at separating ourselves from the drama and chaos, work at loving ourselves, and loving them from afar, setting healthy boundaries. You matter, your peace of mind and health matters. You become an example to your son of how to live, by living well yourself. It is not selfish to love and care for yourself. That is what we wish for our children, that they will learn to truly love themselves and make better choices. Nothing good comes of you going down a path of destruction along with your son. You can do this. It takes work, but you are worth it. Take baby steps towards setting boundaries for yourself, your son. Join naranon, read about codependency, find ways to redirect your thinking, protect your heart. Every step you take to strengthen yourself is a testimony to your son that he can make better choices, too.
You are worth the effort.
Your life matters.
Much love and (((hugs)))
New Leaf
 

tommi

New Member
Ya'll help so much you have no idea, to be able to talk to someone who looks at you like you must have been a bad Mother, then they say, "well my children would never do that" All I can say is I hope your correct. Thank you all for being so kind.
 

Susiescutt

New Member
I am in the struggle of my life, trying to set boundaries and watch my son go down hill. He has had many problems with responsibility his whole adult life and we, my husband, his stepdad, have enabled him since he was 18. He has had addiction problems but mostly just severe inability or refusal to deal with life. He was evicted in June from an apt I paid for, and is living in his car that we pay for. (have to, was stupid enough to co pay 1 1/2 years ago.) We have stopped most of support, but I still get sucked in and it is killing me, not to mention affecting my job and marriage. Some days I am so strong and sure I am doing the right thing, other days I am just sad. Im not conflicted about not enabling him anymore; I fully believe this is the right thing to do, but winter is coming and watching him be homeless is so hard. I am getting ready to get a restraining order so he will stop calling me at work; up to 50 times a day!!!! We had to get a no trespassing orderr to keep him from coming to our house to demand money for a hotel. I am a fool but I listen to the voicemails and call him back!!! Im in therapy and reading tons about co dependancy and enabling, but I'm not following the program very well lately. I think codependancy in a parent child relationship is harder to break, especially for a mother. I changed my cell phone number and now have peace on weekends, but come to work to tons of desperate voicemails. His tale lately is that he cant get a job because he has no clean clothes and cant shower: both untrue. I keep telling him to go to mental health clinic. I need peace and I need strengh to watcth this play out.
Hello there,

Well, mental health is mentioned on numerous occasions in these posts. My son is 35, has severe ADHD, is sleeping in my shed after a recent relationship breakdown with his partner of 13 years. They have two children, one 13 and one 5 years old. He would be welcome in my house, he has after all, got mental health issues that I would not wish on anyone. I count my blessings I have two girls who live well and are great people. It is not his fault he has mental health issues; he has struggled with addiction and currently has been 'clean' for 3 years, all associated with ADHD. I fear for his future and we intend to help him now and in the years to come to try and be the best version of himself. It is so hard as we are unlikely to see our granddaughters because the split is very acrimonious. I can look back and see mistakes we made as parents......labelling him as naughty......disruptive.........not focussed.....my husbands favourite phrase was 'apply yourself'. School did not recognise ADHD in those days and he was nearly 30 before he was diagnosed. I know the journey is not going to be smooth.....I sometimes envy my friends with their 'perfect' family dynamics. Be careful, I understand mental health issues and neurodiversity is a huge burden for the family, but for the person involved it must be torture at times.
 

JoesMa

New Member
I am in the struggle of my life, trying to set boundaries and watch my son go down hill. He has had many problems with responsibility his whole adult life and we, my husband, his stepdad, have enabled him since he was 18. He has had addiction problems but mostly just severe inability or refusal to deal with life. He was evicted in June from an apt I paid for, and is living in his car that we pay for. (have to, was stupid enough to co pay 1 1/2 years ago.) We have stopped most of support, but I still get sucked in and it is killing me, not to mention affecting my job and marriage. Some days I am so strong and sure I am doing the right thing, other days I am just sad. Im not conflicted about not enabling him anymore; I fully believe this is the right thing to do, but winter is coming and watching him be homeless is so hard. I am getting ready to get a restraining order so he will stop calling me at work; up to 50 times a day!!!! We had to get a no trespassing orderr to keep him from coming to our house to demand money for a hotel. I am a fool but I listen to the voicemails and call him back!!! Im in therapy and reading tons about co dependancy and enabling, but I'm not following the program very well lately. I think codependancy in a parent child relationship is harder to break, especially for a mother. I changed my cell phone number and now have peace on weekends, but come to work to tons of desperate voicemails. His tale lately is that he cant get a job because he has no clean clothes and cant shower: both untrue. I keep telling him to go to mental health clinic. I need peace and I need strengh to watcth this play out.
I (62) am going through the exact same thing with my 38 yr old son. Today it was back to back calls. Needing hotel, shower, food. Even when I did help (enable) it was never enough. It’s hard thinking of our sons/daughters out in the harsh winter cold but they need to learn to help themselves. I suggested mental health clinic because of his scizophrania but he says he’s fine. I’m exsausted. Hard to go to bed at night being warm and thinking of him. Im Depressed and don’t know what to do. I feel you completely! I’m not answering his calls tonight. He keeps trying though. My ringer off. So hard. Best of luck to you!
 

ANewLife4Me

Let go and let God ❤️
I (62) am going through the exact same thing with my 38 yr old son. Today it was back to back calls. Needing hotel, shower, food. Even when I did help (enable) it was never enough. It’s hard thinking of our sons/daughters out in the harsh winter cold but they need to learn to help themselves. I suggested mental health clinic because of his scizophrania but he says he’s fine. I’m exsausted. Hard to go to bed at night being warm and thinking of him. Im Depressed and don’t know what to do. I feel you completely! I’m not answering his calls tonight. He keeps trying though. My ringer off. So hard. Best of luck to you!
Hello JoesMa, my daughter suffers with schizophrenia as well and it does make us parents exhausted! I read a lot and have learned schizophrenia MUST be controlled with medication or else these behaviors will never end. My daughter has refused medication and therapy, she hears voices and talks back to them. She does irrational things and is currently in jail, again, because of what she did. My husband and I fear her as she can become violent so living with us after she is released from jail is not an option. After 10 years of back and forth, we made the decision to let her go. The 2 books under my about helped me greatly to see that I not only enabled but am also co-dependent on my children. It’s not easy, it’s heartbreaking but, as was brought out in Setting Boundaries with our adult children, that we are trying to force what we want our children’s lives to be on them BUT!!! it’s not what they want for themselves. This was eye opening for me. My therapist tells me I have done all that I can and instead of putting the energy on her, to put it on me. I became very depressed/almost suicidal when receiving the jail call in November 2023. I am just to the point today where I finally went grocery shopping and had the urge to cry but…..I did it. We have to think more of ourselves. Please consider the 2 books in my about section, they really helped me. ❤️
 
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