Am I steering my own, true course or heading for the rocks?
- Thread starter Copabanana
- Start date
Triedntrue
Well-Known Member
All of the relationships here are complicated i like the idea of taking it down to one or 2 expectations. Once those are consistently met it may be possible to renegotiate or not.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I woke up at 3am unable to sleep and woke up in the am with a bad stomach ache. This is what happens.
Apparently, he missed the train because I received a text he would be two hours late and I responded that I could not wait for him at the station that long. "Better to reschedule." I have yet to hear back. More and more I believe as does M that our lives are written before we even step into them.
There is no reason for self-induced agony. Thank you everybody for being here for me. It makes such a huge difference. As SWOT says, I wish we could meet for coffee NOW.
Apparently, he missed the train because I received a text he would be two hours late and I responded that I could not wait for him at the station that long. "Better to reschedule." I have yet to hear back. More and more I believe as does M that our lives are written before we even step into them.
There is no reason for self-induced agony. Thank you everybody for being here for me. It makes such a huge difference. As SWOT says, I wish we could meet for coffee NOW.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Brilliantly and clearly put. Thank you.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I feel I overreacted to suggest he reschedule. I just texted a possible alternative, that we meet after my apt. Who knows what he will do?
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Copa, I hope you're still able to meet. If not today, very soon. I think you will feel better when the meeting happens, regardless of the outcome. The uncertainty is weighing on you right now.
One thing I've learned with mine, as much as I try to hold firm boundaries on some things, it is useless to try to enforce things like "I need you to be on time" or "if you don't show up this time, we're never doing this again." They are on their own time schedule which has nothing to do with the time the rest of us live in. they do have some ability to be on time for jobs, for a while, if they really want to hold them. But with their social interactions, they are used to chaos. People show, or don't show. Time means nothing - the party may start at 10, but people show up all night long. I don't think they are trying to be deliberately disrespectful of me when they are always late or fail to show up at all, it's just a reflection of the chaotic lives they are living. I've realized that if I want to see them at all I have to enter the chaos, at least a bit, and accept that it will mean lots of time waiting, wondering where they are, and getting stood up. I will leave when I have to leave and send a text or message saying "hey, I waited here til XX, but got to go now - let me know when you're free next." But I don't bother getting mad anymore. It just baffles them and does not result in any change. So I've accepted it as part of the cost of maintaining the relationship.
Oh, I hope this is not true. I need to still believe that we can make a different choice and take a different path. Both us and our children.
Me too. I wish I could sit with you at the station and have a cup of tea while we wait for J's 2-hour late train.
One thing I've learned with mine, as much as I try to hold firm boundaries on some things, it is useless to try to enforce things like "I need you to be on time" or "if you don't show up this time, we're never doing this again." They are on their own time schedule which has nothing to do with the time the rest of us live in. they do have some ability to be on time for jobs, for a while, if they really want to hold them. But with their social interactions, they are used to chaos. People show, or don't show. Time means nothing - the party may start at 10, but people show up all night long. I don't think they are trying to be deliberately disrespectful of me when they are always late or fail to show up at all, it's just a reflection of the chaotic lives they are living. I've realized that if I want to see them at all I have to enter the chaos, at least a bit, and accept that it will mean lots of time waiting, wondering where they are, and getting stood up. I will leave when I have to leave and send a text or message saying "hey, I waited here til XX, but got to go now - let me know when you're free next." But I don't bother getting mad anymore. It just baffles them and does not result in any change. So I've accepted it as part of the cost of maintaining the relationship.
Oh, I hope this is not true. I need to still believe that we can make a different choice and take a different path. Both us and our children.
Me too. I wish I could sit with you at the station and have a cup of tea while we wait for J's 2-hour late train.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
He is not responding. I hope he doesn't show up at my house.
The nature of sub use... There is no sense of time. The purpose is to escape from reality, stress, expectations, and .... clocks. So missing appointments, trains, is part of the illness. We want them to live in our reality but they don't.
As disappointing as it is .. Symptom of the illness.. Try to see it as that. Sadly you may have to do this on his terms. Remember your short list of needs. Him being on schedule isn't on the list.
As disappointing as it is .. Symptom of the illness.. Try to see it as that. Sadly you may have to do this on his terms. Remember your short list of needs. Him being on schedule isn't on the list.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I would love that coffee right now. We could all talk and give comfort.
Copa J doesnt seem to have a good sense of time. I am not excusing him but if you are on the street with no job, time is irrelevant. I have hopes that you will meet but I too hope he doesnt just show up at your house. Try to feel peaceful tonight!
Hugs and more hugs!
Copa J doesnt seem to have a good sense of time. I am not excusing him but if you are on the street with no job, time is irrelevant. I have hopes that you will meet but I too hope he doesnt just show up at your house. Try to feel peaceful tonight!
Hugs and more hugs!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Yes. I am listening. I will go to him.
Thank you RN. This helps.
Oh how I wish you guys were nearby.
Well. I thought he had gotten on the train. Then I got a message: There is a problem. What? My payment at the gym (where he showers) didn't 't go through. I am grimy."
He did not come. Then began the drama.
There are no more chances. I fear it the end of the road for me. His exact words I think were: I am in desperate straits. (What a jerk.)
J. You know how to get yourself help. Go to the hospital.
He responded: We will try again next week.
J. I do not have an appointment in the city midway next week. I will come to you.
We have a plan to meet on Thursday, in 3 days. I am home now. M thinks it was all a manipulation to get dominance over me. So that the wanting and the needing would all be mine. Whatever it is I cannot stand it.
I will go to the metro on Thursday unless he cancels that too. At least I will have a nice lunch. The lady who I saw today for treatment agrees with M. That I cannot get him to live if he does not want to himself. Oh jeez. I am wiped.
Thank you all so very much.
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CareTooMuch
Active Member
First, I'm so sad for you the day turned out like this but it is truly out of your control. DS and I had a therapy session scheduled for today but he was too sick to go. I went on my own which actually was perfect. We talked about my reactions and actions based on his actions and he said something that really hit home. DS, I'll just put a D for his name from now on, is who he is and for us to communicate and him possibly to grow we have to accept that. And it IS true. He takes baby steps while we want adult steps. It's not going to happen like we want it, it just isn't. So in order for us to have a good relationship and for him to eventually grow we HAVE to accept D for D and stop getting frustrated. Because frustration doesn't lead to inspiration, and he has to be inspired to grow. Hopefully Thursday will work out, but if it doesn't, don't give up.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
This makes a lot of sense.
J. strung me out over 6 hours in this I am coming, I am not coming mode. Now, with this proposed trip on Thursday, will my week consist of the same, and then will he pull the rug out from under me, after I am four hours from home? There is a cruelty to this. Or is it he is out of touch? Or is it he really is in bad straits and he can't do better?
I feel I have to try, in case he is in really bad shape. And how is it that he is not in bad shape? He was in bad shape when he left.
Oh. This feels horrible. We are human.
I am thinking I need to get a family therapist. Caretoomuch, what that therapist said is really helpful. He is supporting you to extend yourself, to go more than half way.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
He doesn't answer my texts. I am wondering if I go to the Metro if he will even show up. It would be 12 hours back and forth. I don't know where he is. He only texts on his phone and cannot talk for some reason.
I just texted: why don't we make an appointment with a therapist and I will meet you there?
At least if I met him at a therapist there would be somebody there when I showed up.
Tired. I think a therapist is an excellent idea for each of us. I have a name of somebody here. And I know where to call to find somebody where he is.
Tired. Do you think he is stringing me along? Or is it that he cannot do better?
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I texted him that we had no clarity about where to meet on Thursday and maybe it was a good idea to arrange a therapist appointment at an agency in the big metro and I suggested one that is reputable.
Maybe we could meet at the appointment, J. We need help! And he texted back right away: That is a good idea. I will go there tomorrow.
Maybe we could meet at the appointment, J. We need help! And he texted back right away: That is a good idea. I will go there tomorrow.
CareTooMuch
Active Member
Yes exactly Because I'm able to and he's not. That is just fact.
D tried two therapists and one psychiatrist previously. I tried one therapist before. None of them helped, he just bs'd his and mine just listened and validated. Neither of us got real help so we stopped. Then one day I ran into the parents of a child I used to teach and started talking about our issues. They recommended we try him and it just clicked. I went to him several times and then brought D in. D loved him and I relinquished my relationship so D could see him. D never argues going and has opened up so much. We go as a family sometimes but D has full control. I hope you can find someone you admire and trust. It's a lifesaver.
Tired out
Well-Known Member
Oh Copa, I don't know. I know mine is just stringing me along.
I don't want to hijack your thread but I will tell you what happened.
So...
back story;
I have access to son's accounts because he didn't have a smart phone when he moved out and I set everything up for him to have electronic banking and bill pay. He would give me money and I would pay his bills. Call me crazy but at least I knew his bills were being paid and that gave me peace of mind because if rent was being paid he wasn't going to get evicted and want to move back in here.
and so...
Last Tuesday ds texted me
ds: "will you make my car payment and take it out of my check tomorrow"
Me: "you can do it tomorrow from your account"
Then I(nosy me) looked up his car payment account and he was a month behind.
I text him, "better call finance company and let them know you had a little financial difficulty and you are paying."
He didn't call them and he didn't make the payment.
I think his plan was for me to make the payment and stiff me. I don't know that for sure, but if not why didn't he make it?
Yesterday was oldest (A) son's birthday (our physically handicapped son)--I invited ds (B) for cake, he didn't even even text him happy birthday (sad for A)
Today he text me, "can you send me finance co #?"
Me, "yes #, did you get text for A's birthday?"
B, "yes. I won't come there Dad is there"
B, " I won't come for Thanksgiving or Christmas either and don't buy me anything either"
Me, " you don't want anything?"
B, "No and if you give me anything I will put it at your front door"
Me, "What brought this on?"
Of course now he doesn't answer. and So I am back to thinking what brought it on is that I wasn't a sap and didn't pay his car payment.
I have tried to get him to meet me at the bank to remove my name off of his checking account.The account was set up when he was a kid. The bank said the only thing I can do without him there is to totally close the account. His pay is direct deposit so that wouldn't be a great solution BUT I may do it.
I feel like he likes to rip my heart out and stomp on it. And why do I give a hoot about him? He is a narcissistic self entitled brat.
I feel sick again. And I know that this is peon stuff compared to what a lot of you are dealing with. I don't know if drugs fuel him. He used to be into pot. he has crazy ideas about how his dad treated him..says he was never nice to him, treated him badly.. it is all crap. Made up in his head to justify stealing from his dad. (see my original post)
Anyhow.. last Wed he was supposed to meet me, didn't show. Told me he got called into work (that was a lie, his car was at his apt at 11:30am), asked me to meet him Thursday at bank, didn't show.
Asked me for Friday, I said no. He was stinging me along.
So I get the feeling.. strung along or best he can do?
Mine is stringing me along.
I need a therapist because I NEED to let go.
Tired out
Well-Known Member
OMG..YES..Prayers he goes. Prayer and fingers crossed that he is ready to heal and turn himself around!
