Am I steering my own, true course or heading for the rocks?

[Lil]

So Copa I I believe J may like the streets. For now. It offers no responsibility and people who accept you.

But remember that the boy in the book eventually did go live with his sister.

I do think it can wear thin. J will want a better life, I believe. I have hope. And I pray for you both with all my heart.What he thinks is okay now can change. Change is the human condition. There is always change...good or bad.

Meanwhile keep doing your life. You will hear from him again. He will never forget you, his Mother.

Hugs and more hugs.

What SWOT said.

I wish there were some magic words to make these guys brains suddenly kick in and understand what's going on. That would make them finally realize that there's a right way and wrong way to do life. That you can be quirky and eccentric and creative and unique and still responsible.

Wouldn't that be glorious?

 

[Copabanana]

that there's a right way and wrong way to do life. That you can be quirky and eccentric and creative and unique and still responsible.

Wouldn't that be glorious?

Yes. It would be glorious. I think that is how we have lived. I did.

Thank you SWOT and Lil. And everybody.

My sticking point with all of this is his health. I do not think he faces really what will happen to him without treatment. But if I beat him over the head with it--it will be worse. Any ideas for me?

 

[BusynMember]

J still has compassion. Not all do but he does. Maybe just texting once a week that if he would be kind enough to just go with you for his liver medications, for YOUR peace of mind you would ne very grateful. Sometimes sucking up isnt a bad thing since this is so important to you. You can offer him a meal out and maybe ten extra bucks.

 

[Copabanana]

Swot. He has to take the medication every day. If he does the disease is controlled not cured. A cure is on the horizon.

I can't think of a way he could secure his medications homeless and/or who could help him stay compliant to take the medications daily.

I feel certain there are community health programs that have nursing staff. But they would not be open weekends. I would pay him if he did this, if we could find something like this. Or even a pharmacy. maybe for money they would hold his medication and give it to him.

 

[Smithmom]

Copa,
He's not the only one. When there is a life threatening illness that requires daily treatment for a homeless person there is a 7 day clinic. How do I know this? Because mine signed up for methadone. Methadone clinics are open 7 days a week. Only a few hours on weekends but someone who wants it will get there. There's a Hippocratic oath. They must provide treatment 7 days a week if that's what it takes.

Find a couple of clinics and offer him options. You know you can't make him go and he may not make it every day. Not your responsibility! All you can do is offer options. He has to choose to fight the illness. He has to choose to live. His life, his choice.

 

[BusynMember]

Copa also you can maybe find a mutual spot (yah I know he has a weird way of not being there) where he can meet you to make sure he gets his medications on off days if you cant find a nearby clinic to help him (I hope you CAN) and offer him some money to show up. As you know, that motivates them if nothing else does. I dont have a ton of money but Id pay my kid to do this. Inside I would wish it were easier but Id do it. I dont know how far he lives from you but maybe M can even drive you there.
.

A pain in the neck? YES! Worth it? You know what is good for you. If he were mine, my biggest concern, like yours is, would be the liver medications.

Hopefully though you can find a medical place that he isnt too far from him (he wont move his tush to go far). I wish, for both your sakes, that he would care about his health as much as you do. I know he is smart. How can he ignore it???

 

[Copabanana]

He is by train about 3 hours from me and 3 hours back, and there would be a 4 hour wait to return home. So. The minimum trip for me would be 7 am to 530 pm.

Neither one of us, M or I, drive the freeway there.

I do not think it is realistic that I be the one to oversee his medication from a distance. But I will call our local pharmacy to see whether pharmacies hypothetically will do this, hold a bottle, and dispense a medication day by day. He is in a large metro. There must be pharmacies open 365 days a year near him.

The other thing I was thinking would be to call Mental Health in that County, and to call Public Health, to see what they suggest. But he has demonstrated no commitment to take part in any case management services. So it is pie in the sky to think he would work with them.

He might however go to a pharmacy.

I could say go to the doctor. Get on your medication. Show me your lab results every month so that I know you are taking the pills. Let him stay in the apartment.

Today was the day that he said the doctor would call him with his lab results. That may be true. But not likely.

 

[BusynMember]

I like that idea of the pharmacy. Even in this smaller area we have pharmacies everywhere. Maybe you can pay extra for the service .Or is it possible to find a Home Health Aide to go and meet him in or by a pharmacy to dispense his medications? Again you may have to pay J to go but he wants extra money. Blackmail? Sort of. But you want him to live. Money seems to be their biggest motivation. Not saying he is a bad man. I truly dont think he is. But he chooses to have SSI as his only income so I am sure he is always glad to get more. And if it motivates him to get his liver medications, maybe its worth it for your peace of mind. Dont break the bank. Just enough to get him to take the medications.

Let us know how it goes. Please keep checking in.

 

[Tired out]

I'm caught up.
A walk in pharmacy would be great.

Copa, I understand you going round and round in your head..
He needs to grow up, but you want him healthy.
For him the health is also a long term concern, not just well but, alive. You are between a rock and a hard place.
I know you want to be tough and say grow the heck up. take responsibility. Maybe he is sub-consciously afraid of his reality? That if he gets on his medication plan and then falls off it he will quickly decline?
From you I hear, I am willing to make many concessions BUT I have to know he is taking his pills and keeping his long term health safe until there is a cure.
Now how to achieve that.
I know he is 30 but, with this illness is he really a scared kid? I am not trying to give him an excuse but, I know young adults with horrible diseases ( variations of muscular dystrophy) all of them by 19 are on anxiety medications. They are afraid they will die in their sleep. Many of then sleep during the day because they are afraid to sleep at night.

Now about the rental property.. I still am going with my either or scenario if he decides to live there. Either keep it clean or pay for cleaner.

I also think you need to think of yourself and M too.
I know for myself I can take care of myself better when I know my kids are all taken care of.

Warm hugs, prayers and good wishes from across the miles.

 

[Copabanana]

Maybe he is sub-consciously afraid of his reality? That if he gets on his medication plan and then falls off it he will quickly decline?

His serious issues began after he was diagnosed with the Hep B. We did not know he had it, even though after he came to me I took him to a Children's Hospital infectious disease specialist for testing. We did not know until he was 19. He was still okay until he had a flare and began the antivirals the first time.

He could not handle it. Imagine. Both adopted and having been infected. He felt like trash. I believed he is completed terrorized by it, you are right. Now he believes the virus was deliberately engineered. Great.

I do not think he will be medication compliant if he had to go to a pharmacy, now that I think about it. I don't think he would necessarily be motivated by money to stay medication compliant.

I believe that I would be the strongest motivator, if I was able to stay calm and positive and patient.

with this illness is he really a scared kid

I am feeling like the greatest chance I have is to rebuild our relationship somehow so that I could influence him.

I am discouraged and sad. I know I have to take this one day at a time. And not get frantic and afraid. This only scares him further. He is not responding to texts today. I think I must be bombarding him. Thank you, Tired.

 

[Elsi]

This is a tough problem to solve and I don’t have any other suggestions that come to mind that haven’t already been put out there.

Why do you think he will not go to a pharmacy or a clinic for his medication? Does he not trust the doctors or the medicine? Or do you think he just won’t be able to keep himself organized enough to do it?

Sending you hugs. I wish I could sooth your heart and mind on this.

 

[Tired out]

This only scares him further. He is not responding to texts today. I think I must be bombarding him.

I have come to realize I can't send B more than 2 texts and I have to wait for him to respond. If I don't hear from him within a hour or so I can then send a "?" just to make his phone buzz, in case he didn't hear/feel the first time. He probably did but was ignoring. (I'm not stupid) That's it. more than that and I won't get a response for who knows how long.
His diagnosis sucks but they are making advances all the time. I won't be surprised to see cures for Hep B or Aides.
Just know you have done your best. We are all rooting for you, M and J.

 

[Copabanana]

Does he not trust the doctors or the medicine? Or do you think he just won’t be able to keep himself organized enough to do it?

He trusts doctors. But he downplays the illness. And he distorts the whole thing.

He has believed he could control it through an anti inflammation diet. Now he is saying the virus has been engineered by the government. *Who knows? Illuminati?

It is not so much organization. I think it is anxiety-related. That he might be too anxious to be medication compliant, because focusing on the medication means focusing on the illness.

In the past he has been very diligent about health-related stuff. Taking lots of supplements, dietary choices. Not lately.

 

[Copabanana]

I won't be surprised to see cures for Hep B

Every little bit I google it. I think they think 5 years. They found a real cure for Hep C. But it is a less complicated disease.

Thank you very much people. I will back off with the texts. And I am much more aware how our relationship itself will be the answer. Somehow I have to find a way back to how we were more than a decade ago.

 

[Deni D]

Copa, this is such a bad situation. Young people don't really seem to understand they are mortal in general. Your son seems to be more immature than his age so it feels like a more serious situation. Can you find a place near where he is, just for now, where he can go for his medication every day? Or a friend of his that will will oversee it, he seems to be liked by people. This could be a really bad idea but just for now, just for the near future and just for his medical situation I would consider some sort of bribery only to get him to take his medication.

 

[Smithmom]

Have you tried calling a homeless shelter near him? You may find one that has a nurse on duty 7 days a week to dispense medications. Not unusual to give out medications with a daily meal. At least they will have dealt with this before and give you some options. They will also know pharmacies and places to get medications free. If I hadn't been down some of the roads I have I would have thought this situation impossible. I have found churches that have volunteer nurses and give out free medications with scripts, i have found teaching hospitals with free clinics run by residents out of basements. I have found one day full evaluation clinics run by health depts and all volunteer staff. You will be amazed at what you find, especially in a big city and a city with a homeless population. Homeless people aren't known to be responsible with money or medications. But a disproportionate portion have serious illnesses that need treatment. This is a common situation.

Try one phone call a day. Start with Jewish Social Services. I promise that you will find something that does not require you to pay full cost of medication. Remember he is good at manipulating you. Don't let misplaced guilt push you into a losing situation. You know the next thing will be "well if you were willing to pay x per mo for medications you should pay that for rent for me."

Stick to the boundaries. Stay strong. Detach. This is not within your control.

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you Smithmom. Actually he gets the medication free. Because his doctor is part of a teaching hospital there are waivers available. The pharmaceutical companies have to give out some of their high cost medications to ill people who cannot afford it. But in any event, I was able to keep him on my insurance, and did so precisely for this reason. I wanted him to be able to have Cadillac treatment if and when it became available and he needed it.

a homeless shelter near him?

He hates homeless shelters. He actually does not like homeless people!!! He feels superior I think. I don't think he thinks of himself as homeless.

This is one thing that perplexes us so much. With all the contempt he has for how his parents lived (they were homeless) and how other drug using, homeless people are, why would he live like this...and how does he insulate himself from the recognition that he has fallen to the lows that he finds beneath contempt?

They will also know pharmacies and places to get medications free.

It is not the cost of the medication. It is how to keep the medication safe. He would carry it in his backpack. That is not safe. He would have no place to secure it. And there is the issue of remembering to take it every day. And then there is the issue of facing and taking seriously the risk of stopping the medication or of not taking it consistently. There are just too many hurdles.

I have no power and no control in the best of circumstances. I can only oversee the medication if he were to live with me, which is not impossible.

I think I mentioned that there is a wing of my house that can be closed off with a door. It has its own exterior door, two bedrooms and a bathroom. It could easily be adapted into a self-contained unit. He does better when he is here. The thing is that I have not done better with him here.

 

[Smithmom]

Oh dear, sacrificing yourself for his refusal to follow rules and behave reasonably again? What would be different this time? Will it end differently?

I get that his medication needs to be safe and he needs to be reminded to take it. Will that really happen in your basement, apt, tent in your yard? Maybe. But back to negotiation. Are you really ready for that cost to you? Isn't the negotiation that you will help him find someone to do that near him?

So his position is... Provide housing or I won't take my medication cause I don't like x, y and z options. That's holding you hostage, not negotiation.

 

[Smithmom]

You deserve better!

 

[Copabanana]

So his position is... Provide housing or I won't take my medication cause I don't like x, y and z options. That's holding you hostage, not negotiation.

No. These are not his conditions. This is all in my head. I am trying to find a way to encourage his medication and treatment compliance when he is indifferent.