And he's going down fast
- Thread starter RN0441
- Start date
Well, that was fast. You are right . . . it is only a matter of time until the job is gone. Then the true test will be if you can hold strong when he has nowhere to live and no food to eat.
Please remember that at that point, he does have options. Since he has insurance, he can find a treatment center followed by sober living and IOP. However, he has to be the one to make the calls and find a place to go. They will even arrange transportation to get him there.
He knows what to do. He has contacts from his previous stays in treatment. He can find a place to go if he truly wants to get sober. Until then, there is nothing you can do to control his drug use. My therapist used to tell me that over and over. She would say that my daughter was going to do what she wanted to do and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to control her choices.
Please know that I feel your pain. Benzos are (were) my daughter's drug of choice. She told me recently that if she had a choice between benzos and heroin (and she had used both) she would chose benzos every time. It is a very hard addiction to fight because coming off them requires detox. Going cold turkey can lead to seizures. My daughter had several seizures when she tried to stop without help.
If it is any comfort, I think the multiple stays in rehab actually helped my daughter. I think she learned something from each stay which eventually helped her get sober. I think it is very, very rare that an addict or alcoholic goes to one 30-day stay in rehab and stays clean forever after that.
In her last treatment center (her fifth stay in rehab), she told me that she felt like she could teach the classes. When her insurance cut her stay short, I was upset but she wasn't. She said that she had heard it all before and it was time to put it into practice. She went into a wonderful sober living/IOP program and has been sober for 17 months. I think the difference was that she was just tired of living a drug life and was ready to put what she learned into practice.
My husband and I spent over sixty thousand dollars for one three-month program when my daughter did not have health insurance (pre-ACA). I don't even regret that even though she relapsed shortly after she finished the program. I believe sending her away saved her life by getting her away from her druggie friends and at least made her realize that she did indeed have a problem.
RN, I truly believe your son will "get it." If my daughter could get sober, there is hope for all of our kids.
~Kathy
Please remember that at that point, he does have options. Since he has insurance, he can find a treatment center followed by sober living and IOP. However, he has to be the one to make the calls and find a place to go. They will even arrange transportation to get him there.
He knows what to do. He has contacts from his previous stays in treatment. He can find a place to go if he truly wants to get sober. Until then, there is nothing you can do to control his drug use. My therapist used to tell me that over and over. She would say that my daughter was going to do what she wanted to do and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to control her choices.
Please know that I feel your pain. Benzos are (were) my daughter's drug of choice. She told me recently that if she had a choice between benzos and heroin (and she had used both) she would chose benzos every time. It is a very hard addiction to fight because coming off them requires detox. Going cold turkey can lead to seizures. My daughter had several seizures when she tried to stop without help.
If it is any comfort, I think the multiple stays in rehab actually helped my daughter. I think she learned something from each stay which eventually helped her get sober. I think it is very, very rare that an addict or alcoholic goes to one 30-day stay in rehab and stays clean forever after that.
In her last treatment center (her fifth stay in rehab), she told me that she felt like she could teach the classes. When her insurance cut her stay short, I was upset but she wasn't. She said that she had heard it all before and it was time to put it into practice. She went into a wonderful sober living/IOP program and has been sober for 17 months. I think the difference was that she was just tired of living a drug life and was ready to put what she learned into practice.
My husband and I spent over sixty thousand dollars for one three-month program when my daughter did not have health insurance (pre-ACA). I don't even regret that even though she relapsed shortly after she finished the program. I believe sending her away saved her life by getting her away from her druggie friends and at least made her realize that she did indeed have a problem.
RN, I truly believe your son will "get it." If my daughter could get sober, there is hope for all of our kids.
~Kathy
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thank you all. So overwhelmed by everyone's love, support and wisdom.
An update: On Friday after work I was very stressed (hubby too). Had some wine and fell asleep. Woke up at 2am with bad feeling. Looked and saw I had 2 texts from girlfriend at 11pm that he was in hotel room inhaling duster and was threatening to kill himself if she did not go see him.
I texted her immediately and she said he was in a psychiatric hospital. Whew. I called her and found out she went to the hotel and called the police. They talked to him and had him Bakered (I think that's the term). She said room was a mess like he was throwing stuff and she saw a bottle of prescription made out to him for Klonopin for 60 pills that was filled 7/31 (he left sober living 8/1) and was empty. There was some mention of Xanax as well.
Long story short we talked to him a few times yesterday (he called) and I was very angry and I was not nice. I do regret some of that now. He's kind of out of it so what was I thinking? He kept asking "what pills". I do not think he remembers. It's tragic. He is worried about his job.
Anyway his girlfriend had to take a step back yesterday. She is very stressed and needs to take care of herself. She is leaving for college next week. He called last night gently begging to come home saying he needs his family and he obviously cannot make it in Florida. We told him we love him and that he is ill and needs to get help and coming home is not an option (stab in our hearts).
The rehab is ready to pick him up today. He has no where else to go and that is where he needs to be. I spoke to the program director who I think is awesome (late 20's former addict and very compassionate to all of us). He also has talked to son's girlfriend and felt it was good she stepped back. He said he needs to be there whether he wants to be or not.
So that's where we are today. What a week it has been. I don't know what it will take for him to get it. He is safe now though.
After he is there for a while we are thinking of moving him closer to home but not in OUR home. Maybe a program in Indiana or Michigan or something so we can see him more often. We do not want to enable him of course. Not sure what the right thing to do is.
An update: On Friday after work I was very stressed (hubby too). Had some wine and fell asleep. Woke up at 2am with bad feeling. Looked and saw I had 2 texts from girlfriend at 11pm that he was in hotel room inhaling duster and was threatening to kill himself if she did not go see him.
I texted her immediately and she said he was in a psychiatric hospital. Whew. I called her and found out she went to the hotel and called the police. They talked to him and had him Bakered (I think that's the term). She said room was a mess like he was throwing stuff and she saw a bottle of prescription made out to him for Klonopin for 60 pills that was filled 7/31 (he left sober living 8/1) and was empty. There was some mention of Xanax as well.
Long story short we talked to him a few times yesterday (he called) and I was very angry and I was not nice. I do regret some of that now. He's kind of out of it so what was I thinking? He kept asking "what pills". I do not think he remembers. It's tragic. He is worried about his job.
Anyway his girlfriend had to take a step back yesterday. She is very stressed and needs to take care of herself. She is leaving for college next week. He called last night gently begging to come home saying he needs his family and he obviously cannot make it in Florida. We told him we love him and that he is ill and needs to get help and coming home is not an option (stab in our hearts).
The rehab is ready to pick him up today. He has no where else to go and that is where he needs to be. I spoke to the program director who I think is awesome (late 20's former addict and very compassionate to all of us). He also has talked to son's girlfriend and felt it was good she stepped back. He said he needs to be there whether he wants to be or not.
So that's where we are today. What a week it has been. I don't know what it will take for him to get it. He is safe now though.
After he is there for a while we are thinking of moving him closer to home but not in OUR home. Maybe a program in Indiana or Michigan or something so we can see him more often. We do not want to enable him of course. Not sure what the right thing to do is.
RN, I have mixed feelings about moving him closer to home. It actually worked in my daughter's case. She was doing the south Florida shuffle and getting nowhere. She finally precipitated the move herself by buying herself a plane ticket and showing up at our house when we were at school. My husband got a text that she was "back" and he went home and found her lying in her bed in her old room. She had gotten in through an unlocked basement door.
We made it clear that she could not stay in our home and she found a halfway house to go to but quickly got kicked out for using suboxone. We let her come back to our house with the understanding she could stay until she could find a residential treatment center but could not be in our house alone. My husband would drop her off at a McDonalds at 6:00 a.m. across from the mall each morning and she would wander around each day until I picked her up after school. She hated it but it made her realize we were serious and didn't trust her home alone. It motivated her to find somewhere to go.
She found a residential treatment center about an hour away from our house and we took her there. From there, she went to the wonderful sober living/IOP program that I mentioned in an earlier post.
Being closer to us made it possible for us to rebuild the family relationships but it only worked because she was serious about recovery. However, it could also have been disastrous if she wasn't sober and kept showing up on our doorstep. That is why I have mixed feelings about your son moving closer to home.
My daughter has told me that she wouldn't have gotten sober if she had stayed in Florida. The downside of being in an area with many recovery resources is that there are also a lot of lapsed drug addicts and drugs are readily available. Of course, drugs are readily available anywhere if you want them.
I would definitely make it a condition that he has to be showing progress in rehab before you would even consider it.
~Kathy
We made it clear that she could not stay in our home and she found a halfway house to go to but quickly got kicked out for using suboxone. We let her come back to our house with the understanding she could stay until she could find a residential treatment center but could not be in our house alone. My husband would drop her off at a McDonalds at 6:00 a.m. across from the mall each morning and she would wander around each day until I picked her up after school. She hated it but it made her realize we were serious and didn't trust her home alone. It motivated her to find somewhere to go.
She found a residential treatment center about an hour away from our house and we took her there. From there, she went to the wonderful sober living/IOP program that I mentioned in an earlier post.
Being closer to us made it possible for us to rebuild the family relationships but it only worked because she was serious about recovery. However, it could also have been disastrous if she wasn't sober and kept showing up on our doorstep. That is why I have mixed feelings about your son moving closer to home.
My daughter has told me that she wouldn't have gotten sober if she had stayed in Florida. The downside of being in an area with many recovery resources is that there are also a lot of lapsed drug addicts and drugs are readily available. Of course, drugs are readily available anywhere if you want them.
I would definitely make it a condition that he has to be showing progress in rehab before you would even consider it.
~Kathy
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thank you Kathy. I am in the exact spot with you in my thinking. We would not have him come to the same state that we are in no matter what! In fact husband said today that we need to "de-Jake" his room. Take down posters etc. I keep the door shut. Partly because I don't want to look in there because I get sad and partly because my little Morkie likes to lift his leg to mark his spot.
I don't feel that he has ever been serious about getting sober yet. Really serious. We just hope he doesn't make this stretch out for a decade or more. We are already on year 6. I know we can't control it.
We would be doing it to make it easier on us. Husband felt it would be easier to manage him if he is closer. My husband is not giving up the idea of him going to college and getting a way to make a living for himself. I agree but now is not the right time. We are careful about everything we do; making sure it's not enabling and I know that we have screwed up a lot.
Lil
Well-Known Member
Oh RN, I just read this thread and it breaks my heart. I'm so very, very sorry you are going thru this. It seems sometimes that we just think things are looking up, when they blow up in some spectacular way. Thank God the girlfriend called the police and they took him to psychiatric.
I don't know what I would do if it were me in this position. I do know how much I would be hurting. I hope it helps a little bit to know we all are in your corner with open arms.
I don't know what I would do if it were me in this position. I do know how much I would be hurting. I hope it helps a little bit to know we all are in your corner with open arms.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
The stress and the power and courage to say no to coming home, I can only imagine the stress his has put the both of you under.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I dont know about the distance issue. But I dont think you or husband should in any way try to manage him, including pushing college even if he is sober. At his age he doesnt need managing. It doesnt work and can alienate.
Good luck to you and yours.
Good luck to you and yours.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Yes I hear you about college. He says he wants that but obviously he is not sober so that comes first.
I think that's his dad's way of letting him know that he hasn't given up on him by talking about his future. I think that is okay.
No end in sight to this.
He is back at the rehab and agreed to only one week at their PHP (highest level of care). That is the only way they would take him back there. He has no place to go so not even sure why he thinks he is holding any cards!
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Finally found out where car was towed. They said they do not think it can be fixed. We owe $395 as of today. If we sent them the title they will remove $200 from the bill and we'll be done with the car.
I'm sending the title tomorrow for overnight delivery. This all sucks.
My husband just had the windows tinted for son for his 22nd birthday which is August 26th. He had it two weeks.
Lesson learned. Enough said.
I'm sending the title tomorrow for overnight delivery. This all sucks.
My husband just had the windows tinted for son for his 22nd birthday which is August 26th. He had it two weeks.
Lesson learned. Enough said.
ColleenB
Active Member
Ugh! So tough! But glad to hear your son is safe for now and where he needs to be.
I think in terms of talking about college someday it is important for them to hear hope.... it's when they lose hope of any other life that the battle is lost. Our son is basically treading water right now.... he isn't living with us but is here often, in some ways he spends more time with us now, maybe because he doesn't feel the need to escape? Not sure....
We don't even ask about job searches or much else anymore... we talk about everyday things with him and try to be cautiously hopeful about his next stab at college. It being an art school we are hopeful it helps his mental health more than his future job prospects....
He seems very sad to us still which is why we try to be supportive and not question much. He says he is still not sleeping right. He doesn't get up most days until noon or so. He says he isn't partying... but we don't know that.
I feel like I'm so nervous for fall for him... it's when he always comes off the rails. It's like a ticking time bomb. It's hard to be hopeful but I feel I need to be, for my own mental health.
You say you are six years, we are five and I am exhausted .... I feel I've aged so much.
I think in terms of talking about college someday it is important for them to hear hope.... it's when they lose hope of any other life that the battle is lost. Our son is basically treading water right now.... he isn't living with us but is here often, in some ways he spends more time with us now, maybe because he doesn't feel the need to escape? Not sure....
We don't even ask about job searches or much else anymore... we talk about everyday things with him and try to be cautiously hopeful about his next stab at college. It being an art school we are hopeful it helps his mental health more than his future job prospects....
He seems very sad to us still which is why we try to be supportive and not question much. He says he is still not sleeping right. He doesn't get up most days until noon or so. He says he isn't partying... but we don't know that.
I feel like I'm so nervous for fall for him... it's when he always comes off the rails. It's like a ticking time bomb. It's hard to be hopeful but I feel I need to be, for my own mental health.
You say you are six years, we are five and I am exhausted .... I feel I've aged so much.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
You son is safe and for a week he will be whew he needs to be. One day at a time. I feel your pain and heartache. It's never ending.
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
Your family will be in my prayers. I am glad your son is in a safe place, getting help. It is a roller coaster. Until they really commit to living a clean and sober lifestyle (which in my opinion, which I know not all share, includes the 12 steps) it is a never ending cycle. Even with recovery, there are no guarantees. My brother has two years clean after a relapse. Prior to that he had almost eight years clean. You just never know. It's all in their ability to cope with the worst life can offer without needing drugs to numb the pain. I can say though that recovery has not only saved my brother's life but transformed him from a typical drama and chaos creating addict to a reliable, trustworthy and dependable presence in my life and that of others. They do have to want it for themselves. My stepson continues his path. We know very little but I suspect drugs and alcohol there too. Can't worry about it. Won't help him OR me. Do you go to Al-Anon, family, a support group, anything for YOU?
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Yes I see a therapist and have been for over a year now. Did not like Al-Anon for me. I get the group experience on this forum which I cherish!
My husband is wonderful too and we are on the same page and we have great friends and really do try to enjoy our lives in spite of all that is going on around us.....ain't easy!
The sadness is always underlying. I know we all get that.
Trying to understand it is truly exhausting so I am trying real hard to stop thinking about it.
Fantasize about the day when I don't worry about him.
My husband is wonderful too and we are on the same page and we have great friends and really do try to enjoy our lives in spite of all that is going on around us.....ain't easy!
The sadness is always underlying. I know we all get that.
Trying to understand it is truly exhausting so I am trying real hard to stop thinking about it.
Fantasize about the day when I don't worry about him.
That is the single most telling thing when it comes to sobriety. He is not ready for recovery if he is still setting conditions. Experts in recover call it surrender. Until the point comes where your son is willing to let go of the control and do whatever he is told he needs to do in order to get sober, he doesn't really want to be sober. An addict that has been sober for 20 years told me that she didn't get sober until she got to the point where if she was told to jump she would have asked how high and jumped.
My daughter was always trying to scheme and get around the rules and do things her way. When she finally said she would do whatever she was told in order to get sober, things changed.
by the way, I had to learn to surrender, too. When my daughter was in the last sober living/IOP facility, she had a chance for a great job that would have interfered with her evening IOP and twelve step meetings. I thought that the program should let her miss some of the meetings but she was told no way. They said her recovery had to come first and that there would always be other jobs. I didn't agree at the time but they were absolutely right.
I found it interesting when we talked the other night about someone close to her that has relapsed recently. The woman told my daughter she was counting down the days until she could leave the treatment center and my daughter told her that it doesn't work that way. She told her that she had to be willing to listen to the experts and do what they tell her is best.
My daughter also told me that I wouldn't believe the crazy stories her friend was telling her like someone had put meth in her food at a fast food restaurant. I told her that I most certainly would since I heard those crazy stories from her. She also said that she found herself doubting whether she was right that the woman was using again since she wanted so desperately to believe that her friend was still sober.
Does that ring any bells?
I told my daughter that she was experiencing the other side now and it is not pretty.
~Kathy
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Yes I agree he's not ready. But he does not want to not have a roof so he will have to do what they say.
We're not stepping in. I'm so angry that he is being such an ass to them. How did he become such a hard core addict? I don't get it. Plus the fact that he goes 3 months clean...my friend told me that isn't even an addict. An addict needs it every day. Not saying I agree but she does have a point doesn't she?
I don't even want to talk to him. I want to wring his neck!! But then I think it's a disease, he can't help it. UGH. Someplace in the middle must be the truth??
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
No. He likes the finer things in life. But he could be if he doesn't stay where he is and do what they say.
