College daughter is prostituting, I don’t want her home for Christmas

[Rosey]

Our middle child has terrorized me and traumatized us all for years. She prides herself on being an “evil genius” with years of experience of easily manipulating counselors, therapists, psychologists, and police. She finds it hilarious and gets great satisfaction from setting up traps and disasters for others.
Our daughter is now in college. She prostitutes herself through an online site even though we cover her tuition and expenses. She focused her aggression on her boyfriend instead of me, routinely hitting him and throwing things at him, until he finally broke up.
I wouldn’t allow her home for Thanksgiving, but my husband brought her home for Christmas. There has been no acknowledgement or discussion of her behavior. We have never been united in our approach to dealing with her- I am the one who calls the police, makes the reports, and takes the beatings (which stopped after she started dating steady). I am having a very hard time acting like everything is fine.

 

[Copabanana]

welcome rosey. i am so sorry for your pain. i have only a few minutes but wanted to offer support and my vote of confidence in you and your instincts.

when our kids use our support to abuse themselves and others we find we need to withdraw it. it sounds like your daughter is doing both.

did you consent that she come home for xmas?

that is an elephant in your living room of major proportions, i think.

i will say my view: bringing her home offers the appearance of consent.

to me, there needs to be a choice offered to her: our support equals broad adherence to our expectations and values. this implies agreement and communication with your spouse.

there are conditions. her choice. prostitution while not illegal everywhere is frequently considered to be dangerous and degrading. you have every right to your view and conditions.

cruelty and abuse are near universally condemned.

i do not see how living this way is consistent with the loving embrace and help of parents...in their home, especially.

that is my view.

of course you feel horrible. who would not?

welcome. i hope you stay with us. i am so sorry.

 

[Copabanana]

the beatings?

this is intolerable and horrible. let alone criminal.

you were absolutely correct to call the police. you and everybody else she hurts are victims of crimes.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi! Me again!

Glad you put up this stand alone post. I am so very sad that you, an obviously kind, giving, loving parent, has put up with all sorts of abuse, even physical, from your own child. You probably thought you were the only one it happens to, but you are not. If she assaults you again you may have to take care of yourself and take out a restraining order against her. Nobody has a right to assault you. This is domestic abuse! Would you let your husband do it? A stranger? Have you pressed charges?

You and husband desperately need marital counseling. I am surprised he doesn't protect you from daughter. She is a woman now, grown size, stronger, younger, and if she keeps assaulting people she will end up in prison. She is lucky her boyfriend did not press charges. Does she also steal? Is she using drugs? Does she lie? Is she your biological child? Any early trauma?

She is behaving dangerously. I am definitely no shrink, but it sounds as if she could lack a conscience. People without one are always dangerous because they hurt others without feeling badly about it. It is just sad when it is a grown child. But it is what it is and you matter and MUST protect yourself. Does she ever express remorse? Show love? How long has she been like this?

You may need to leave the house during times your daughter is home. Do you have other loving/kind family or friends? A support system? This is where a therapist can be very useful. I swear by good ones. If you dont like one, find another. Domestic abuse counselors would also support you...this IS domestic abuse!

Since it is near Christmas it may be slow here, but you WILL get other feedback. Meanwhile don't let her lay a finger on you under your roof. Or anywhere else. Reject her verbal diarrhea and go to your room and shut the door if she verbally assaults you...that can hurt more than a beating and it is not okay. You deserve to be treated like the good person that you are.

Many blessings...you must have some.

 

[Littleboylost]

Rosey;

I know the difficulty of my being on the same page as your SO when dealing with a Difficult Child.

My hear goes out to you, you have received excellent advice here and I just wanted to say you are not alone.

I echo that physical violence is intolerable.

Stay safe and keep posting.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry that your husband does not respect your feelings on this subject. I agree that you need to see some sort of counselor about this. Or at least sit down and hash it out before her next school break happens.

I can tell you what would happen if she were my child and this situation happened. First my husband would be MISERABLE. He knew I didn't want her there and she abused me with no consequences and he brought her there anyway? I would do so very little that he liked that his life would not be happy. I would not be spiteful, I would just act like he was not there. It is effective with my husband as I just stop doing all those little wifely things I normally do for him. Cold turkey.

Then my daughter would find that I had nothing for her. If she got abusive with me, she would find the cops there to remove her. If my husband was upset about it, he could go with her. If she actually hit me? I would press charges. Your husband cannot stop you from doing this. Of course I would NEVER hit her or threaten her as that would be illegal.

Given she is prostituting, she does not need your support. Chances are she makes quite a bit per hour. I would let her support herself if that is the lifestyle she chooses. Is she actually going to her classes? That lifestyle doesn't always lend itself to going to school. I would demand to see her grades before giving her a penny.

If the tension is too much for you, give yourself the best present ever. Go and take a vacation for a few days!! Even if you just stay in a hotel somewhere and eat and shop and watch movies with no one bugging you, go and do it! I think it would tell your husband exactly how upset you are about his decision to bring your daughter home this time. Maybe it would open his mind about how awful she really is to you.

Sometimes spouses just don't understand or see how bad it is for us. Either they are not there or somehow they don't comprehend what is going on. It wasn't until my husband heard me tell a judge what had happened, and saw photos of bruises left after an altercation, that my husband started to really grasp how bad things were when he was at work. He was completely shocked. I had told him, but he hadn't understood. When he did "get it", he was as sickened by his handling of the situation as he was by the situation itself.

You have to let your husband UNDERSTAND how badly this upsets you. Maybe leaving home at Christmas will do that. I don't know him or your marriage, so I don't know. My husband would figure out pretty fast that I was furious and hurt if I did that. You know him better than I do, so maybe it is time to think about what would let him know how hurt you are by his actions and how scared of her you really are. Or maybe it would be better to wait until she is out of the house and you have some time to work on him without her input. Only you know which is best.

Either way, don't be open and welcoming with her. It won't pay off. Set strong boundaries so that she has no opening to harm you. Especially don't ever leave your purse out in the open.