Daughter is 22 and has cut us out of her life am devastated.....

[JHe17]

Hello.....yes I have a lovely husband (who is so very angry with her) and a lovely son who is at Uni (his First Year) and some lovely friends. The ones that know (and that is only 2 of them) have been perfectly lovely and said much the same as the advice on here ....to just let her be and wait. She is not cruel, you are right, she has just chosen a very cruel way of behaving and that is her choice. Copa is a very wise person and I will try from now to stop re-thinking everything and take some control back over my life. I worry about what we say to her Grandparents as they will be destroyed by this and we have to tell them as they want to send her Graduation Gifts etc and we don't know for sure where she is and we have been avoiding saying anything in the hope we could sort this out.

I do like you quote: the only person you can control is yourself.....that is very true and I had not thought of that. As a mum you just want to fix everything so your children are happy and I cannot fix this.

Thank you so much for your kind words.....coming on here has helped so much as I felt I was the only one feeling like this.
xx

Yeah, um, I dont know is she is entitled, bad, good or anything. None of my kids whom I raised from birth ever expressed a need to cut us off. A child we adopted at ahe six did, but he had attachment problems. Unlikely your daughter does. Being honest, and always close to my four other kids and their friends, your daughter is not doing what kids usually do to grow up. They do not normally cut us off in a cruel way. Your daughter is being cruel. She knows how this hurts you. I'm sorry she chose this. So while she may not be a cruel person, this is a cruel deed.

Having said that, your only option is what Copa said. Take care of yourself and let her do her thing. If she is like most adult Difficult Child she will be back as soon as she needs something, like money. No matter what is going on with her, you cant help her. Only she can get help, if she believes something is wrong.

I had to learn this: the only person on earth you can control or change is yourself. And you are impotant. You matter. in my opinion you do not need to listen to nonsense abuse. You can resist checking her social media...sometimes they write hurtful things there just for us. Why indulge her when she is being mean? It wont change anything and will just hurt you.

My advice, which you can take or discard, is to turn your focus to yourself and doing the things you love to do with friends and family who treat you with kindness. Do you have a spouse? Other kids? Dear friends? People who will treat you as your kind heart deserves ?

Wishing you the best. Take what is useful from all responses and leave the rest

 

[Copabanana]

I worry about what we say to her Grandparents

Grandparents will take their cue from you. If you downplay this and take out the emotion when you tell them, they will not think it is extreme.

Actually the extremity comes from the feelings attached. You have a choice (whether or not you feel this) to normalize it. It is just one bad behavior by your daughter. You do not have to feel it to be more than that. You choose. How many times have our children behaved poorly? Millions of times.

You can walk this back. You can take what she says with a grain of salt. She is just acting the idiot, I think. She can act like she does not need you but she does or she would not have acted out with such theatrics. I would let her dance around her merry way. And try my very best to pretend it does not touch me. Trust me. I feel fairly sure she will soon be in touch. Take your power back. You have it all in you.

I would tell grandparents part of the truth: Daughter is in a snit and there is a difference of opinion about a repayment schedule. She is fine. We are fine. It will all be worked out soon. (If you are paying her rent how is it that you do not know where she is? How do you not have access in some way to a place you are subsidizing? This I do not quite understand. Could the gifts not be sent there? And let her be responsible for acting correctly with the grandparents? Why are you responsible for any poor behavior by her? You cannot be held responsible for everything. That is not either realistic or bearable.)

These things happen in families. This is really no big deal unless you make it a big deal. I would be careful not to build this up into something earthshaking either about her, your relationship or most importantly, about you. You are the same person you always were. Remember this: the hurt that is triggered in the main is from the past. You can deal with that now. Apart from her and the pain she is triggering which in the main she did not cause.

I am remembering something somebody told me once. It was something like when the boss would be a bully, they thought of him with his clothes off. Like emperor with no clothes. And they would laugh and the fear or anger would be diffused. Think of daughter as 2 years old, when she would throw her food out of the high chair, a fit when she did not want to go to bed, or substitute another undignified memory that will put this behavior by her in the context it deserves.

She is throwing a little tizzy fit and she is acting badly. You are her parents. You know how to do this. All the rest of it is noise and posturing.

Take your power back. You have it. It is yours.

PS I am glad you have lovely and loyal friends and a lovely husband. They are your support now. I hope you stay with us and let us know how things develop.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks. You are blessed to have a good husband, great son and nice friends. What I did when I was having trouble with my son who eventually did leave the family was to focus my energy on my blessings. It was so heartbreaking for me to lose my son. Oh, I know we adopted him after he was already pretty much formed in his personality, but it broke my heart. Just because he didnt live me didnt mean I didnt love him.

Besides seeking a very wise psycholigist who only saw adopted kids and their families, the tragic loss brought my husband and I and my other kids bonded together. We learned to appreciate each other more. You are lucky you also have other loved ones. Im happy for you.

I learned "you cant change anyone but yourself" in a twelve step group called Codapendants Anonymous. It has helped me a lot.

Good luch