Daughter woke up in hotel room... no clue how she got there.
- Thread starter Bean
- Start date
T
troubled
Guest
(((HUGS))) to you! I am finding out first hand how hard it is to detach. I beat myself up for feeling like I am supposed to care about my child unconditionally. Isn't that the definition of a good mother? How can it be love to say no when your child is in trouble and needs you -- but that is the catch here -- they don't need us, they only want to use us to get something or somewhere and that old habit of entitlement creeps in their thinking that we owe it to them. My difficult child will throw out that old, tired statement, "I didn't ask to be born," and add to it, "and I don't feel like I should have to work, either and I have no interest in going to school." They will take whatever is given to them that's free and complain when they don't have a clean bed to sleep in or a warm bath whenever they want.
Detatching hurts like HELL! My Mom is hurting too. Our whole family is hurting, worried, on pins and needles, praying. All the while these difficult children are out there partying and making the best of things. Mine told her grandma that if she didn't give her a ride she might end up dead. Then she threw in "YOU DON'T LOVE ME, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY IT INSTEAD OF MAKING EXCUSES FOR NOT HELPING ME!" That brought my mother almost to her knees. They sure know how to use their words to hurt you. They will rip your heart out in a second and think nothing of it. I keep recalling all the mean things my difficult child did and said to me and that often helps me to dry my tears, put my chin up and remember that I don't have to take that kind of abuse from her or anyone else - not anymore.
Detatching hurts like HELL! My Mom is hurting too. Our whole family is hurting, worried, on pins and needles, praying. All the while these difficult children are out there partying and making the best of things. Mine told her grandma that if she didn't give her a ride she might end up dead. Then she threw in "YOU DON'T LOVE ME, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY IT INSTEAD OF MAKING EXCUSES FOR NOT HELPING ME!" That brought my mother almost to her knees. They sure know how to use their words to hurt you. They will rip your heart out in a second and think nothing of it. I keep recalling all the mean things my difficult child did and said to me and that often helps me to dry my tears, put my chin up and remember that I don't have to take that kind of abuse from her or anyone else - not anymore.
KFld
New Member
One of my favorite saying to my difficult child is, I love you with my whole heart, but I will not love you to death. And then I remind him that it is because I love him I cannot help him to make bad choices, but I will be here for him when he's ready to make good ones.
Fortunatley my difficult child has never ever questioned my love. Sure he knows how to manipulate and pull at my heart strings, but he knows whether I say yes or no, I love him.
Detaching stinks and there isn't really a rule book for it.
Fortunatley my difficult child has never ever questioned my love. Sure he knows how to manipulate and pull at my heart strings, but he knows whether I say yes or no, I love him.
Detaching stinks and there isn't really a rule book for it.
Bean
Member
She ended up back at my parent's house the next day. So... their triumph led right back to the same patterns. I think, sometimes, they are almost as "sick" as she is. Enabling/Co-dependance is NO JOKE.
My mother hung up the phone on me when I explained to her that she was once again enabling my daughter. She said I was being "abusive" to her. It broke my heart. My reminding her about enabling and detachment is abuse, but my daughters lies, accusations and thievery still get her in the door of their house.
Detachment sucks. My husband and I went to their house, got her out of there. My parents didn't disagree or protest. Especially after my husband explained to them that she had called, under the influence the previous night (the night after she woke up in the hotel room), told him another tale, minimizing her hotel room escapade, and reminded my mom that the destination she was to take my daughter was one of her using friends.
I dropped my daughter off at the bus stop, gave her my pass, and left her there. In the car she went into a tirade about how nobody cares about her, how she had been raped multiple times, enjoys her weed and booze, and how she just sleeps with anyone because who cares now? All this in front of her teenaged brother. And when she got out of the car, she said, "GOOD LUCK TO YOU, 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF TONIGHT, SLIT MY WRISTS AND BE GONE."
Again, in front of her brother.
I broke down when she left. Seeing her walk away with her purse hooked over her arm, into the night... It's happened so many times that it is like PTSD for me, triggered too much. My safety shell surrounding the rest of the family was permeated with her sexual and violent remarks. What brother wants to hear his sister talk that way? What parent does?
She continually forces us into her sexual world.
I haven't talked to my parents since. I think that saddens me almost as much. My mom never called to see how I was, or anything. Things feel jumbled and surreal.
Yeah. It sucks. It really does.
My mother hung up the phone on me when I explained to her that she was once again enabling my daughter. She said I was being "abusive" to her. It broke my heart. My reminding her about enabling and detachment is abuse, but my daughters lies, accusations and thievery still get her in the door of their house.
Detachment sucks. My husband and I went to their house, got her out of there. My parents didn't disagree or protest. Especially after my husband explained to them that she had called, under the influence the previous night (the night after she woke up in the hotel room), told him another tale, minimizing her hotel room escapade, and reminded my mom that the destination she was to take my daughter was one of her using friends.
I dropped my daughter off at the bus stop, gave her my pass, and left her there. In the car she went into a tirade about how nobody cares about her, how she had been raped multiple times, enjoys her weed and booze, and how she just sleeps with anyone because who cares now? All this in front of her teenaged brother. And when she got out of the car, she said, "GOOD LUCK TO YOU, 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF TONIGHT, SLIT MY WRISTS AND BE GONE."
Again, in front of her brother.
I broke down when she left. Seeing her walk away with her purse hooked over her arm, into the night... It's happened so many times that it is like PTSD for me, triggered too much. My safety shell surrounding the rest of the family was permeated with her sexual and violent remarks. What brother wants to hear his sister talk that way? What parent does?
She continually forces us into her sexual world.
I haven't talked to my parents since. I think that saddens me almost as much. My mom never called to see how I was, or anything. Things feel jumbled and surreal.
Yeah. It sucks. It really does.
You are all in my heart tonight. My difficult child told me she was going to kill herself tonight too, and then she went and got her tongue pierced and posted pics all over facebook. She is homeless but she has her tongue pierced. All is right in her world.
Our stories are all the same. How do we keep ourselves sane? That is my biggest problem right now.
Nancy
Our stories are all the same. How do we keep ourselves sane? That is my biggest problem right now.
Nancy
H
HaoZi
Guest
*HUGS* Bean.
4timmy
New Member
My heart is heavy reading all of the posts here. There is a special place in heaven for us parents who are dealing with the heartbreak and pain of loving our difficult child's and enduring the stress and sadness it puts on our Authentic Self. Massages, steam baths and facials to us all. (....and tropical vacations) My story comes to you in an attempt to be supportive and just share.
My son is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (not otherwise specified) among other things (leans to the Aspie side),and has gotten away with soooooo much in his young life due to my enabling him. It has at times gotten to the point where I am afraid of him and won't punish him due to the reaction and possible harm it will bring. I constantly tell myself, "oh he's my child, he loves me too much to physically harm me or others...." "That is just not possible"...not my child...there is too much love here for this to happen................. He's 12, puberty has set in, he's cussing around me with no hesitation even though I've attempted to punish him for doing so. He has no problem with announcing to me that he has a "Boner". His bursts of anger are better with his medications., but are consistently being tweaked as he grows. In the past he has head-butted, pushed, and punched me, put holes in our walls with fists, elbows, and head. "He'll grow out of it" I keep telling myself. I mean, I was a difficult child once....
Yes, I was a difficult child once too. ....but I was special. I had sex for the first time at 17 with a married man 20 plus years older than me, and when I was 14 there was that man visiting my grandmothers house who took me rides in his van, where we did things....(there were more like this through the years) I must be really special! Wow look at how interested these men are in me. Then later I would cry about how awful I felt about myself and how horrible I was to do these things. I had all this inner dialog about how awful I was to entice these men into doing to me what they did. I blamed myself. Did it stop me? No. Well, it took me a loooooong time to realize that I wasn't special to these men and that it wasn't all my fault. I married one of them after he left his wife and kids when I was 24. My parents, (happily married) never had to pick me up, I was too good at sneaking. My parents never had a clue what I was doing all those times. BECAUSE I CARED ABOUT WHAT MY PARENTS THOUGHT OF ME.
20 years later I'm still married to the man who left his wife and kids. I constantly struggle with blaming myself for the way my difficult child is and for how I've turned out. After all, it serves me right. I am an addict now, overweight, depressed.... all of the things that I wasn't or could never imagine being.
OK, I suppose I'm doing more gutt=spilling here than anything else, but why is it that the difficult child's that we love so much, trample all over our hearts? I did bad, bad, things as a difficult child, and as was said in a previous post, am lucky I survived a lot of it. BUT, I would never have physically harmed my mother or be abusive to her in any way!! I certainly wasn't sharing my sex life! There's no filter with these kids!!!!
The sad truth to my story is that I allow people to take advantage of me. I allowed men to take advantage of me because it made me feel important, wanted, unique. I thought it was LOVE, I thought I was special. I'm now allowing my son to do the same when I allow him to emotionally or physically abuse me without punishment.
My son is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (not otherwise specified) among other things (leans to the Aspie side),and has gotten away with soooooo much in his young life due to my enabling him. It has at times gotten to the point where I am afraid of him and won't punish him due to the reaction and possible harm it will bring. I constantly tell myself, "oh he's my child, he loves me too much to physically harm me or others...." "That is just not possible"...not my child...there is too much love here for this to happen................. He's 12, puberty has set in, he's cussing around me with no hesitation even though I've attempted to punish him for doing so. He has no problem with announcing to me that he has a "Boner". His bursts of anger are better with his medications., but are consistently being tweaked as he grows. In the past he has head-butted, pushed, and punched me, put holes in our walls with fists, elbows, and head. "He'll grow out of it" I keep telling myself. I mean, I was a difficult child once....
Yes, I was a difficult child once too. ....but I was special. I had sex for the first time at 17 with a married man 20 plus years older than me, and when I was 14 there was that man visiting my grandmothers house who took me rides in his van, where we did things....(there were more like this through the years) I must be really special! Wow look at how interested these men are in me. Then later I would cry about how awful I felt about myself and how horrible I was to do these things. I had all this inner dialog about how awful I was to entice these men into doing to me what they did. I blamed myself. Did it stop me? No. Well, it took me a loooooong time to realize that I wasn't special to these men and that it wasn't all my fault. I married one of them after he left his wife and kids when I was 24. My parents, (happily married) never had to pick me up, I was too good at sneaking. My parents never had a clue what I was doing all those times. BECAUSE I CARED ABOUT WHAT MY PARENTS THOUGHT OF ME.
20 years later I'm still married to the man who left his wife and kids. I constantly struggle with blaming myself for the way my difficult child is and for how I've turned out. After all, it serves me right. I am an addict now, overweight, depressed.... all of the things that I wasn't or could never imagine being.
OK, I suppose I'm doing more gutt=spilling here than anything else, but why is it that the difficult child's that we love so much, trample all over our hearts? I did bad, bad, things as a difficult child, and as was said in a previous post, am lucky I survived a lot of it. BUT, I would never have physically harmed my mother or be abusive to her in any way!! I certainly wasn't sharing my sex life! There's no filter with these kids!!!!
The sad truth to my story is that I allow people to take advantage of me. I allowed men to take advantage of me because it made me feel important, wanted, unique. I thought it was LOVE, I thought I was special. I'm now allowing my son to do the same when I allow him to emotionally or physically abuse me without punishment.
My heart goes out to all of you. I am dealing with my own addictive enabling codep relatives and know how much it tears you up. I would do everything to keep the scenes like that one at the grandparents and in the car from the other kids.
While kids don't come with books or instructions, there ARE books that help. Al-anon literature is an AWESOME start, esp when combined with CoDependent No More. Add those to meetings and things don't really get easier but the do get a lot healthier. The real problem is that when relatives like your addicted child and the codep grands see you changing and becoming healthier they then feel threatened and can lash out even more. THAT is a HUGE reason to go to meetings as often as possible AND to get your own sponsor. It really does make a WORLD of difference. If you can combine that iwth a therapist for YOU, life gets amazingly better.
If you wonder if alanon is for you, check out different meetings (locations and times) to see which are a better fit for you. Also look into narcanon. Take your teens to alateen - they need help too. There is an amazing book called "Grandchildren of Alcoholics" that may be out of print but is WELL worth the read. You may not even realize it, but alcoholism and addiction to not just suddenly pop up in a generation. Chances are that someone in ever generation ofyour family is addicted to something. This book can help you see the behaviors that you learned from your parents, and taught to your kids, without you ever even being aware that your family has a history of addiction. I was blown away by it - and made a decision that the child I was carrying (Wiz) would have at least a chance of not being caught in that web. It is why I first went to alanon - on my mom's side I have her dad, her living sister, her dead sister's husband, and one of the three cousins I know who are all alcoholics, plus a strong possibility that many more relatives were - family stories sure imply it. On my dad's side his little sis married a closet drinker (If you have to hide it there is a problem - I was a teen when I stumbled across his "stash" of bottles and he wasn't even married to my aunt yet), his father was if you believe what my gma told me in private (refused to discuss it with my bro because he was such an ugly jerk at times, though she loved him dearly), and I had 3 great grandrelatives on his side who were alcoholics. Add that to all the other relatives with sub abuse problems, and we are almost doomed to either have a problem or need help with the codep behaviors of enabling.
I hope that you can find some time for meetings for you and for the younger siblings. It really does make a HUGE difference and can help you see some choices where the patterns you have now give you none.
While kids don't come with books or instructions, there ARE books that help. Al-anon literature is an AWESOME start, esp when combined with CoDependent No More. Add those to meetings and things don't really get easier but the do get a lot healthier. The real problem is that when relatives like your addicted child and the codep grands see you changing and becoming healthier they then feel threatened and can lash out even more. THAT is a HUGE reason to go to meetings as often as possible AND to get your own sponsor. It really does make a WORLD of difference. If you can combine that iwth a therapist for YOU, life gets amazingly better.
If you wonder if alanon is for you, check out different meetings (locations and times) to see which are a better fit for you. Also look into narcanon. Take your teens to alateen - they need help too. There is an amazing book called "Grandchildren of Alcoholics" that may be out of print but is WELL worth the read. You may not even realize it, but alcoholism and addiction to not just suddenly pop up in a generation. Chances are that someone in ever generation ofyour family is addicted to something. This book can help you see the behaviors that you learned from your parents, and taught to your kids, without you ever even being aware that your family has a history of addiction. I was blown away by it - and made a decision that the child I was carrying (Wiz) would have at least a chance of not being caught in that web. It is why I first went to alanon - on my mom's side I have her dad, her living sister, her dead sister's husband, and one of the three cousins I know who are all alcoholics, plus a strong possibility that many more relatives were - family stories sure imply it. On my dad's side his little sis married a closet drinker (If you have to hide it there is a problem - I was a teen when I stumbled across his "stash" of bottles and he wasn't even married to my aunt yet), his father was if you believe what my gma told me in private (refused to discuss it with my bro because he was such an ugly jerk at times, though she loved him dearly), and I had 3 great grandrelatives on his side who were alcoholics. Add that to all the other relatives with sub abuse problems, and we are almost doomed to either have a problem or need help with the codep behaviors of enabling.
I hope that you can find some time for meetings for you and for the younger siblings. It really does make a HUGE difference and can help you see some choices where the patterns you have now give you none.
T
troubled
Guest
I am so sorry, Bean. I cry just reading this. I feel bad for you... and me.. and the rest of us who are having to go through this. (((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you all.
dashcat
Member
I am amazed reading this threaad, and threads like it. The support here is heartwarming and, perhaps even more important, the warrior parents here really get it. In my in real life, there is not one child or young adult whose behavior is anything even remotely like my daughters. My family is extremely supportive, yet we will sit around a table at a gathering and listen to my niece bemoan the fact that her daughter has chosen not to go to prom, and another who is extremely stressed (and rightly, I DO get it) that her son did not make the cut auditioning for a renknown college music conservatory (they take 11 out of the over 500 who auditon)..... It's all relative, I know. And I love these people dearly.
Then i come here and read something like this post and I think: This easily could have been Dashlet. By the Grace of God, she's not tried this ...yet. And I think of those dear people in real life who might read this and be in complete disbelief. This could NEVERh happen in there world.
And then all you wonderful people come in, share your own stories, offer the kind of perspective that only a veteran warrior could possibly hold. And nobody, not one person, is surprised or shocked. Sad, yes. Sympathetic, certainly. Supportive ... to the max.
And I don't know about the rest of you, but I am haunted by my mental picture of Bean's daugher a walking off into the night. I can almost feel the heartbreak of sheltering your family and knowing you can do nothing but watch as a part of your heart walks away with her.
Sometimes when I come here to read or post I feel that I've entered a paralell universe where battles might be raging, but everyone understands.
Dash
Then i come here and read something like this post and I think: This easily could have been Dashlet. By the Grace of God, she's not tried this ...yet. And I think of those dear people in real life who might read this and be in complete disbelief. This could NEVERh happen in there world.
And then all you wonderful people come in, share your own stories, offer the kind of perspective that only a veteran warrior could possibly hold. And nobody, not one person, is surprised or shocked. Sad, yes. Sympathetic, certainly. Supportive ... to the max.
And I don't know about the rest of you, but I am haunted by my mental picture of Bean's daugher a walking off into the night. I can almost feel the heartbreak of sheltering your family and knowing you can do nothing but watch as a part of your heart walks away with her.
Sometimes when I come here to read or post I feel that I've entered a paralell universe where battles might be raging, but everyone understands.
Dash
T
toughlovin
Guest
Dash - great comments and so true. It has been so wonderful to find here other parents dealing with the same stuff I am.... and whoh are not shocked by what we have been through.... we live in a small well off community, and although there are other teens who have issues I am sure, it is kept pretty hidden. Yeah there are kids with alcohol and drug issues but it all feels more within the norm of teenage drinking. My son has always been more out there (without being clearly mentally disabled) than his peers. I have always felt alone in what we have had to deal with. It has been comforting to me to find a group who have been through it and understand.
And Susie is right abotu Alanon..... we started going to a parents group and it was hugely helpful to find a parents group who also really understood.... including getting those late night calls from the police and other out of control behavior... and even a couple of people from our hush hush community. LOL. Somehow not feeling alone and the only one has been a huge comfort. Meeting other parents who are obviously doing a good job and are not at fault, helped me see that I have done the best I can and his decisions are not my fault either.
And Susie is right abotu Alanon..... we started going to a parents group and it was hugely helpful to find a parents group who also really understood.... including getting those late night calls from the police and other out of control behavior... and even a couple of people from our hush hush community. LOL. Somehow not feeling alone and the only one has been a huge comfort. Meeting other parents who are obviously doing a good job and are not at fault, helped me see that I have done the best I can and his decisions are not my fault either.
Bean
Member
Thanks for sharing all of that 4timmy. There is a lot in there that makes sense to me and I can identify with.
I, too, wasn't so easy on my parents when I was growing up. But I did spare them the gory details, something my daughter doesn't seem to want to do with us. Sometimes I wonder if she feels that we should endure some pain with her. That we should not be allowed to be exempt from it.
The scary/sad thing is that what she tells me, I know, is only the tip of the iceberg. It is difficult not to let the imagination slip into unimaginable scenarios.
Dashcat, you articulated so well. I was feeling SO alone the other day, telling my husband I had nobody but him to talk to about this because it just isn't the reality for anyone I know. Thank goodness for the ability to come here and find some shared experience. I've utilized Al-Anon, too, and have been encouraging my parents to do the same.
Last week I painted my toenails. A reminder to myself that I need to continue to do things, beyond the necessary, to be good to ME so I can be good to others.
