difficult child upped the ante ~ police and ambulance were here

[DammitJanet]

I will tell you what your dtrs behavior struck me as. Borderline. I am sure you can be borderline and also have substance abuse issues and that would be an even harder situation. There are some very good books out there about borderline on amazon and I dont mean the walking on eggshells book. I really dont care for that book to be honest. You can even watch the Kaye Jameson Redfield videos on youtube. I think that is her name. Might have the second and last names flipped. Also look up online websites like this for parents of adult children who are borderline. I think that might help you.

 

[donna723]

You know, that does give you a little leverage there, if you think it might do her some good to sit in jail for a few days. I think Star is on to something there. At least that way she will know you're serious, that there are consequences for her actions, and she won't be able to get in to anything, you'll know she's OK, and it will give her some time to think. And if she starts making suicide threats they will put her on suicide watch and she will not like that at all! That's sitting in a stripped down empty cell wearing a paper hospital gown! Honestly, you've tried just about everything else. She'd already done several things you could file charges for including criminal trespass, breaking in to your house, and also helping herself to your coat. Nice winter coats don't come cheap. If her only two choices were to straighten up and make a serious effort at working the program at the sober house vs. going to jail ... she might just start to see things differently.

 

[Kathy813]

The coat has been missing for at least a week. I have only worn it one time this fall for a football game 2 weeks ago. I looked for it about a week later and couldn't find it. I suspected difficult child immediately and wondered if she had found a way into the house. husband and I also wondered how a dog toy got into the family room since we don't give the dogs free roam of downstairs since they still have accidents.

So, yes, I think she has been getting into the house for a while. I did go home unexpectedly a couple of times just to see but she was not there at those times.

Before husband blocked her texts and messages she was texting that she was hungry and hadn't eaten in two days. The halfway house has on their website that they will take clients to food banks if necessary. So I guess she will get something to eat. We had taken her to the grocery store on Monday and offered to buy her food to take to the halfway house but she only wanted cherry coke and crackers.

My main worry is that she is going to show up at my classroom door. She did that once before.

Janet, I am convinced that she is borderline. That is why I offered to pay for DBT while she is at the halfway house. I do think that she needs mental health treatment in addition to being in the sober house. So far, she had not taken us up on the offer. I did read that 40% of borderlines also have substance abuse issues.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Before husband blocked her texts and messages she was texting that she was hungry and hadn't eaten in two days. The halfway house has on their website that they will take clients to food banks if necessary. So I guess she will get something to eat. We had taken her to the grocery store on Monday and offered to buy her food to take to the halfway house but she only wanted cherry coke and crackers.

My difficult child pulled that one before. She called me and told me she was about to be dropped off at my house. I was like, woah, wait a minute - we have plans, you weren't expected, etc. Simply stated she was being dropped off because she had nowhere else to go. Told her I would be happy to bring her to a rehab. She never showed, but texted me that she hadn't eaten in days and it broke my heart!!!!! I told her had she asked if she could come over and eat I would NEVER say no. But, she didn't. She knew it would tug at my heart. Everytime I have seen her, she doesn't look like she hasn't eaten. Yeah, it may be ramen noodles - but didn't we all have to eat them at some point?

I highly doubt anyone at the sober house would let her go hungry. She is trying everything she can to get her way. Kudos to you and hubby for standing firm!!!

 

[buddy]

But, she didn't. She knew it would tug at my heart. Everytime I have seen her, she doesn't look like she hasn't eaten. Yeah, it may be ramen noodles - but didn't we all have to eat them at some point?

Made me smile. Ramen is a reward at my house...I have very few choices and yes to me that would be hell.

i just want to say you guys impress me so much.

 

[Nancy]

Kathy I'm hoping and praying for a calmer day for you today.

Nancy

 

[Hound dog]

I too am hoping for a calmer day for you today. So much difficult child drama is exhausting.

PG I had to smile over the ramen noodles thing. It was Travis' staple (and that of his roommates) in college. Katie's kids think the world of them. lol And I remember mine and husband's lean years when we were first starting out that pbj and koolaide were at the top of the menu. lol

 

[Kathy813]

I have to admit my nerves are shot. husband was in class last night when all of this was happening. After she left, FedEx delivered a package and knocked loudly on my door. I was upstairs in bed and the dogs started barking and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest because I thought she was back.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I too am hoping for a calmer day for you today. So much difficult child drama is exhausting.

PG I had to smile over the ramen noodles thing. It was Travis' staple (and that of his roommates) in college. Katie's kids think the world of them. lol And I remember mine and husband's lean years when we were first starting out that pbj and koolaide were at the top of the menu. lol

Oh, yeah, ramen noodles, mac and cheese and hamburger helper - though hamburger helper was a huge step up from ramen for us. But, it is almost like a rite of passage, isn't it?
It was funny, last I saw her, she asked if I woud stop at a convenience store and she was searching for something and I asked her what she was looking for and she was deciding on something to eat for later and what she could afford. I told her I would buy what ever she wanted to eat. She chose cereal and milk because she said that way you have something to eat and drink at the same time. So sad, but my gosh, she is learning. I keep reminding her that there are hot meals and a warm bed in rehab....sigh....

 

[Nomad]

I'm so sorry for you, Kathy. How very sad and stressful.
I too am a bit surprised that the police officers didn't take her to the hospital. Hard to believe the texts and the entire circumstances didn't add up to them taking her. But, you did your best. So very sad for everyone.
She seems so extraordinarily manipulative, depressed, volatile, etc.
It's good that you save those texts for a variety of reasons and if any are threatening on any level, I would tell the supervisor (s) at the place she is at. I'm wondering if they can limit her use of the phone. I'm also wondering if you should take her ability to text off of her phone. Just things to think about.
And YES, I do think it would be a very good idea for you and husband to see a counselor with reference to your the stress you have with your daughter. This would take a toll on any human being and any relationship. It is over the top difficult.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I have to admit my nerves are shot. husband was in class last night when all of this was happening. After she left, FedEx delivered a package and knocked loudly on my door. I was upstairs in bed and the dogs started barking and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest because I thought she was back.

PTSD - I get it whenever there is a knock on the door or my phone rings - how sad is that??? One time the police showed up here - probably a couple of months ago - and I freaked!! Once I realized they were there looking for difficult child and not to tell me she was dead, I broke down in tears. I am not sure that anxiety ever goes away...

 

[Nancy]

I think it stays with you forever too. Anytime the doorbell rings after dark I jump.

Nancy

 

[Nomad]

Love the idea that you have protected yourselves by boosting the security at your home and blocked calls and texts!

Our situation is not exactly the same, but we too worry about difficult child showing up at places of employment and she has done that in the past.

Our son does not let it be known where he works (he is in another city anyway) and I am very secretive of the exact names and locations of where I work.

You are in a sticky situation. If you let her know outright that you don't want her to come, she will realize that it is sore spot for you and might be MORE likely to show up. So, you know you have to look at this with great care.

Is there someone in the administration you TRUST? You might tell ONE person from there at least some of your situation and you can develop a plan. Call them on the phone the SECOND you see her there (if you do see her there) and devise a way to quietly remove her from the premises. I just pray it never happens.

 

[dashcat]

Kathy,
You've had a lot of input from some very experienced warrior parents. I send my support ...what you're going through is heart-wrenching, but you are staying srrong and standing your ground ina remarkable way.

I am also in the camp that your difficult child's suicide attempt was an attempt to gain attention, to create drama and to manipulate rather than an sincere attempt to end her life.

Like many of the others, I completely agree that any mention of suicde or any attempt needs to be taken seriously Anyone touched by suicide knows the devastation ... and what none of us know is how many suicides were cries for attention that went terribly wrong. It doesn't matter what her motive was, really. Not when you're the mom in the garage. When you're the mom in the garage it is - at that moment - a true crisis.

Good for you for changing the locks. I hope and pray she gets the help she needs.

Dash

 

[Signorina]

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night-sure that I just heard the doorbell. And I lay in bed listening for it again...

I HATE when that happens-real life worries play out in dreams

 

[buddy]

Just one thought that you probably already have covered...but since my niece just did this TWICE...
Is there a window she has figured out is not quite as secure as the rest in the home?

My sister now has put window plastic on all the windows for the weather (nto sure your weather but there are other ways to mark the windows) so that if she goes out or in she will damage the way it is put on and there is no way to fix it if you go out.... She checks daily now to make sure. (she is trying to keep hers in...not a difficult child (yet) but has made some typical teen mistakes in teh past couple of months)

 

[CrazyinVA]

Kathy, my heart goes out to you. Your difficult child is really upping the ante here. I would agree that she sounds borderline, to a T. I think I've probably passed this on to you before, but this book in particular helped me undertand more about the disorder and helped me put my own thoughts in perspective:
http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633

It's a sequel to the original "Stop Walking On Eggshells," which I've also read, but I found this one even more helpful. Heck I'll send you my copy if it will help, just PM me your address.

I think you are doing everything you can at this point, and actually think you are doing a great job at detaching. She's upping the ante because you are cutting her off, and she can't stand it. This is pretty typical of Borderline (BPD). One of the behaviors on the DSM is: " Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." She's got that one down pat, doesn't she?

As for Al-Anon, I think it's an awesome organization, and their core principles are important. I think it can be a wonderful support group, and has helped a lot of people cope. I always encourage people to attend. That being said, having been to many meetings back in the day, they're all different. Some helped me a bit, some didn't help me at all. I think I went to 3 or 4 different meetings/locations before I found one where I felt comfortable. So, I urge people to try several before giving up. But, in some areas, that's not an option, and even if it is, it's conceivable that you could go to 6 different meetings and never find a group of people that you "click" with. So I also get why people have said it doesn't work for them. It's very personal. Just like therapists... I feel SO lucky to have found one that I "click" with and that I love.. I couldn't do this without her. But many people search and search and never find one that works for them. I do think it's worthwhile picking up some of the Al-Anon literature to read, especially their daily meditation books.. I used those more than I went to the meetings, actually. Might be worth going to a meeting just to pick those up. Bottom line is, Al-Anon is just another potential tool in your detachment arsenal. It's not the only one, and it's not for everyone.

Hang in there.. I'm thinking of you. Our difficult children are alike in many ways.

 

[witzend]

Kathy, we all know that there is no "right" answer to what you should do. There are some answers that seem "wrong". But in truth there is only what we're able to do in the face of the extreme moment our difficult child's put us into. I don't know what your daughter wants, and she probably doesn't either. She's probably just unhappy and seems to want her mom to fix it for her. That's why she keeps texting and contacting you.

I think if it were me, I would hope that if I had gotten a text from one of the difficult child's saying that they were in the driveway and going to kill themselves, I would have had the police come to the house and given the restraining order I would have told them to call me when they were done because I was getting a cup of coffee until she was gone. I'd let them find her and deal with her.

As far as the restraining order goes, if you don't have them enforce it, she'll know that, and she will keep going after your emotions. Should she violate it again, I'm of the opinion that you have to have her taken away. Then again, I'm not living the turmoil, so this is easier for me to say than it would be for you to do. But that's the beauty of hindsight. It really is 20/20.

{{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[DDD]

Just saw the thread and my heart goes out to you. I am sure you have many friends but don't hesitate to give me a call or a fax if you'd like to vent. Sending very caring thoughts and hugs your way. DDD

 

[Nomad]

I guess I missed much discussion about Al Anon. I haven't been since that wasn't our situational need. I have a friend that went to it and got much out of it. We went to Families Anonymous briefly. They too dealt primarily with adult children and primarily with substance abuse. Still...not our primary issue. (Our difficult child's primary concern is mental illness). Anyway, we still found it to be very helpful. Don't know what the main difference is between Al Anon or FA, however, I can tell you that these folks were TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT. They meet once a week NO MATTER WHAT and this includes CHRISTMAS and some have been meeting for well over a decade whether or not their difficult child has gotten better, stayed the same or has gotten worse, etc. Bottom line...if Al Non is not a fit for whatever reason, you can check out FA.
But again, I hope you guys think about seeing a counselor....at least for a little while.
My heart goes out to you as well.