Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
I would love to but we do not have an anonymous reporting system. I would be afraid of retaliation to be honest. Some times it’s best to keep you friends close and your enemies closer.
Drugs, normal teen crap and life in Limbo
- Thread starter Littleboylost
- Start date
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Today is husbands 59th birthday. We were a little melancholy last night. Today I dealt with late and lippy son. Done with that now our with a good friend for a light lunch and pedicures.Hi LBL,
Oh boy. Of course he is well behaved there, he gets what he wants. Sigh. It is horrible that this woman who represents the law, has become a place of "refuge" for your son. The good guy who "understands" him. Balderdash. What a crock of. A big ole pile of it.
Dry addict behavior. I am sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully a bed opens up soon. That, in itself is sad, that there is "no room in the inn." Epidemic proportions of the disease.
Ouch, Lbl. Been there, done that, and it is so hard. I hope you are able to get some time for yourself. Even if it is a long soak in a tub, a cup of tea, favorite music, time to exercise. It is so important to destress.
BAH! Toddler tantrum. I am sorry, it still hurts. If only he knew what you and your hubs are giving up during this time, to try to help him get to the straight and narrow. Sanity, drug free. He is young. Hopefully, that bed will open up soon and you and hubs can have some peace of mind. Till then, hang in there and keep building your toolbox.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy
It is what it is no amount of stressing and upset will change the course of his path. One more day down. We leave for Mexico on Monday too! It is a Birthday/Christmas gift trip. The extra gift is no shopping struggles either!!
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
I can’t sleep I am so maaad!!! I am. So fed up. What the Ffffff does this kid kit get about his actions pissing us off.
To boot new cop mom is letting boy sleep with her daughter and now he is not coming home at night. He asked permission to stay over, we said no and he stayed anyway.
What the F position am I in. I want to help my son, I want him to go to rehab and not jail. He is pushing the limits way way way too far.
So do I put his ass back in jail or suck up this crap until his rehab bed is ready. I am so frustrated and tired of his
. I really am.
We really keyed the locks on the doors. So he can’t let himself in anymore.
I san not describe the disappointment and anger of feel right now. I am just soing mad!!!
To boot new cop mom is letting boy sleep with her daughter and now he is not coming home at night. He asked permission to stay over, we said no and he stayed anyway.
What the F position am I in. I want to help my son, I want him to go to rehab and not jail. He is pushing the limits way way way too far.
So do I put his ass back in jail or suck up this crap until his rehab bed is ready. I am so frustrated and tired of his
. I really am.We really keyed the locks on the doors. So he can’t let himself in anymore.
I san not describe the disappointment and anger of feel right now. I am just so
ing mad!!!
Sam3
Active Member
Have you heard about fenced in cows? When first placed in a pen, they will hug and nudge all the way around the railing, looking for holes and weak spots.
Not until they are sure the railing is solid, will they gather safely in the middle.
It seems like your son is still testing the pen. The only consequence for
escape is nuclear (jail)— it’s draconian and the likelihood seems remote. That may not make the pen feel more solid.
I think you have to do some real soul searching about what are your firm boundaries. He’s been smoking pot and now is staying out. When the first
did not trigger the nuclear option, the others were likely to follow.
Maybe you can conceptualize it differently. It’s not that he is committing this or that infraction. It’s that he’s still abiding by his own situational ethics and not your house rules. Whether the infractions are big or small is not the point. It is his inability to respect his obligations. Just as he was not before he got put in the slammer
Then figure out what you will do
going forward and tell him and stick by it. Right now you are negotiating with yourself.
Edited to add: I’m trying to find my own priorities and backbone right now
Not until they are sure the railing is solid, will they gather safely in the middle.
It seems like your son is still testing the pen. The only consequence for
escape is nuclear (jail)— it’s draconian and the likelihood seems remote. That may not make the pen feel more solid.
I think you have to do some real soul searching about what are your firm boundaries. He’s been smoking pot and now is staying out. When the first
did not trigger the nuclear option, the others were likely to follow.
Maybe you can conceptualize it differently. It’s not that he is committing this or that infraction. It’s that he’s still abiding by his own situational ethics and not your house rules. Whether the infractions are big or small is not the point. It is his inability to respect his obligations. Just as he was not before he got put in the slammer
Then figure out what you will do
going forward and tell him and stick by it. Right now you are negotiating with yourself.
Edited to add: I’m trying to find my own priorities and backbone right now
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Why not sit him down and tell him it's your house rules or jail? Then it is his decision. Rehab will do nada for him if he isn't going to try HARD to change. He is showing that he has the wrong mindset for rehab to work. If he is thinking more about just getting through rehab time so he can have sex and drugs with this girl, is his effort going to be there to really quit? What if he gets her pregnant? Then he is tied to her toxicity forever.Enough is enough.
Rehab is no guarantee he will change or stop his lifestyle. in my opinion it begins at home. He is likely using drugs with the girl too.
Rehab will have tons of rules. He needs to follow them or, if rehab there is like here, he will be asked to leave. They don't like pretenders in rehab.
Give him a choice: your rules or jail. He may be safer in jail than in that girl's house. But let him decide. Its then up to him. He has the power to decide, but he also has to try and he has to respect you.
Rehab is not magic. It requires hard work. He isn't showing an interest in hard work. He doesn't have to quit. He can do whatever he wants. You don't want him going to rehab with this girl on the brain and thinking he doesn't have to follow the rules.
Just one suggestion.
Rehab is no guarantee he will change or stop his lifestyle. in my opinion it begins at home. He is likely using drugs with the girl too.
Rehab will have tons of rules. He needs to follow them or, if rehab there is like here, he will be asked to leave. They don't like pretenders in rehab.
Give him a choice: your rules or jail. He may be safer in jail than in that girl's house. But let him decide. Its then up to him. He has the power to decide, but he also has to try and he has to respect you.
Rehab is not magic. It requires hard work. He isn't showing an interest in hard work. He doesn't have to quit. He can do whatever he wants. You don't want him going to rehab with this girl on the brain and thinking he doesn't have to follow the rules.
Just one suggestion.
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Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
thanks Sam and SWOT
We re Keyed the locks last evening. We will not answer any of his texts today and we will have a frank discussion with him face to face.
It is time to get real, abide by our rules and your bail bond, find someone else to take over your bail Surety or go back to jail and wait for rehab.
I am really sick of this.
We re Keyed the locks last evening. We will not answer any of his texts today and we will have a frank discussion with him face to face.
It is time to get real, abide by our rules and your bail bond, find someone else to take over your bail Surety or go back to jail and wait for rehab.
I am really sick of this
.BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Lbl, I am biased toward tough love for addicts. Yet I am basically a softhearted person who cant resist stuffing money in the can of a homeless person or who will stop driving to grab a stray dog and save it. I would treat any other ill person who was not an addict with love and kindness and help....the flu, cancer, MS, AIDS, etc.
But addiction is weird. The sick person does not respond to kindness and our love. Addiction is ugly and brings out horrible, unbearable personality traits...lying, deceit, stealing, abuse, disregard of the feelings of those who love us, their very humanity. I saw my sweet daughter become a robot. It about killed me. She was so pretty that I feel that's why she stayed out of jail. But she was involved in the robbery of a liquor store that she wasn't charged with.
Finally I made this beautiful, frail (at the time) nineteen year old leave. Staying at home did not change her and upset my littles and my husband. And me!
Only then did she panic and change. She was not homeless. Gone boy let her live in his basement woth strict rules including work, rent, cleaning and not even one cigarette. It was like jail to her. He was not lenient and the threat of homelessness was always there. She followed his rules. She quit and turned her life around. From then to now. He was her jailer and I will forever be grateful.
Does this always work? Of course not. It depends on how sick the addict is and his/her mindset. But comforting an addict at home, unlike a cancer patient, does not work at all.
If this were me, I would rather my son wait for rehab in jail than breaking your rules and, worse, hanging around the horrible influence of this teenager and her toxic police officer mother. He was scared in jail. Being scared is a motive for a person to change his life. Fun sex and drugs and this girl child waiting for him when he gets out of rehab to me is worse than jail in the big picture. And I cant stress the catastrophe he will face if he gets her pregnant.
You can detour this or try. You can give him the option of following your rules or waiting in jail. That of course is in my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest. In the end, you have to live with what you do. But please don't bluff him. If you set a boundary, fulfill the consequences if he crosses it or he won't take you seriously.
I am so sorry for the pain in your loving heart.
But addiction is weird. The sick person does not respond to kindness and our love. Addiction is ugly and brings out horrible, unbearable personality traits...lying, deceit, stealing, abuse, disregard of the feelings of those who love us, their very humanity. I saw my sweet daughter become a robot. It about killed me. She was so pretty that I feel that's why she stayed out of jail. But she was involved in the robbery of a liquor store that she wasn't charged with.
Finally I made this beautiful, frail (at the time) nineteen year old leave. Staying at home did not change her and upset my littles and my husband. And me!
Only then did she panic and change. She was not homeless. Gone boy let her live in his basement woth strict rules including work, rent, cleaning and not even one cigarette. It was like jail to her. He was not lenient and the threat of homelessness was always there. She followed his rules. She quit and turned her life around. From then to now. He was her jailer and I will forever be grateful.
Does this always work? Of course not. It depends on how sick the addict is and his/her mindset. But comforting an addict at home, unlike a cancer patient, does not work at all.
If this were me, I would rather my son wait for rehab in jail than breaking your rules and, worse, hanging around the horrible influence of this teenager and her toxic police officer mother. He was scared in jail. Being scared is a motive for a person to change his life. Fun sex and drugs and this girl child waiting for him when he gets out of rehab to me is worse than jail in the big picture. And I cant stress the catastrophe he will face if he gets her pregnant.
You can detour this or try. You can give him the option of following your rules or waiting in jail. That of course is in my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest. In the end, you have to live with what you do. But please don't bluff him. If you set a boundary, fulfill the consequences if he crosses it or he won't take you seriously.
I am so sorry for the pain in your loving heart.
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
SWOT you are always the tough cookie here and WE NEED THAT.
I think LBL is struggling with the timing because her and hubs are taking a much needed wonderful vacation in a few days. That may make me hold off and deal with it when I got back? Just saying.
I think hindsight is always 20/20. We think they don't want to be like this and then we cling onto that with all our might. I have done that many, many times. We think we can "wish it all away", "love it all away". When we find out that we simply CANNOT, it is heartbreaking. I know because I have done it over and over again.
We all do what we can do when we can do it. I think we learn and get stronger every time they mow us down. It is just like anything else in life, WE also have to learn the hard way!! I have always said that about my son. He could have such a wonderful life.....
I think LBL is struggling with the timing because her and hubs are taking a much needed wonderful vacation in a few days. That may make me hold off and deal with it when I got back? Just saying.
I think hindsight is always 20/20. We think they don't want to be like this and then we cling onto that with all our might. I have done that many, many times. We think we can "wish it all away", "love it all away". When we find out that we simply CANNOT, it is heartbreaking. I know because I have done it over and over again.
We all do what we can do when we can do it. I think we learn and get stronger every time they mow us down. It is just like anything else in life, WE also have to learn the hard way!! I have always said that about my son. He could have such a wonderful life.....
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Cop mom......ugh.
His place of refuge from the consequences of his actions. 18 years old, the choice is to come home and tow the line..........or stay comfie with his girlfriend, smoke pot, and have sex.
Hmmmmmmm.
What would any male of 18 choose?
Not excusing his actions, but cop mom is certainly sabotaging the program.
What is wrong with her?
In my more experienced with all of this bs mind, this would be my option. Not judging anything you decide LBL, but it seems that cop mom is not dealing with a full deck, and son is testing the boundaries more and more. In his young mind, how can he see the light, with a COP providing an escape for him? Ugh, I can't imagine your frustration.
You have been so extremely generous in offering an out from jail, while your son waits for a rehab bed. After he committed credit card theft, and tried recently to extort money from you?
Now, he disrespects the arrangement further, by refusing to follow your rules.
I am sorry for the pain of it.
I would be concerned over what his next choice would be. He is disrespecting you and your home. He is so very fortunate that you and hubs have given him this chance, but he doesn't seem to get it. Not yet. Cop mom is making this very comfortable for him. You become the "bad guys".It is time to get real, abide by our rules and your bail bond, find someone else to take over your bail Surety or go back to jail and wait for rehab.
I am really sick of this
Balderdash.
Ugh.
I am sorry for what you are going through.
It is preposterous.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Oh, for sure! My daughter started drugs st TWELVE! By 19 it had been six years of lies, promises, second chances, a hospitalization (in which the doctors told us she was clean based on one drug test, scolded us, and on top of that Princess hooked up with a few drug users that carried over to after she came home) and one call from the Dean of her Cosmetology Program that he heard from worried friends that she was heavy into cocaine. She said they were trying to get her in trouble. Two paroles didn't phase her either.
If I hadn't had littles I may have held on longer, but my little were seeing things they shouldn't. I sometimes wonder if seeing the drug behavior encouraged Jumper to go into law enforcement.
I am usually a wuss. I almost never punished my kids. When my daughter's life was at stake, I got desperate and sought Therapy and Al Anon. I got the courage to stand up to her...it was hard.
I think you should enjoy your vacation and deal with your son after. I do feel his association with this family could be worse than jail. What mother invites a guy into her ho.e to ha e sex with her teenager??? What drugs are truly being used in that house? Do they drug test cops in Canada? This family is dangerous to your son.
For now though you deserve to enjoy your trip. Have fun!!
If I hadn't had littles I may have held on longer, but my little were seeing things they shouldn't. I sometimes wonder if seeing the drug behavior encouraged Jumper to go into law enforcement.
I am usually a wuss. I almost never punished my kids. When my daughter's life was at stake, I got desperate and sought Therapy and Al Anon. I got the courage to stand up to her...it was hard.
I think you should enjoy your vacation and deal with your son after. I do feel his association with this family could be worse than jail. What mother invites a guy into her ho.e to ha e sex with her teenager??? What drugs are truly being used in that house? Do they drug test cops in Canada? This family is dangerous to your son.
For now though you deserve to enjoy your trip. Have fun!!
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Exhausted. Reading all your supportive posts. I spent a long day teaching and now I am home to preach a sermon to this ungrateful adult child. I will let toy all know what the next phase to this crazy saga is.
I agree. It will be a holding pin until we are back from vacation. Ugh just ugh!!!
I agree. It will be a holding pin until we are back from vacation. Ugh just ugh!!!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
lbl. i am only just now seeing this thread which i read through.
i think this vacation is fortuitous in many ways:
your son will be forced to make choices on his own with you out of the mix.
he will either:
1. blow it.
or
2. save himself.
the minder however good a person will not care like you. which is a good thing.
before you leave i would with your husband decide what you need to see from son and what would be intolerable. and decide to let his choices determine the outcome. be clear about the outcome before you leave.
i agree with the others. he is testing railings.
he believes the give must come from you, not him.
read some of your threads in september or thereabouts when you were trying to do the harm reduction idiocy. is that what it was called? i hear son acting the same. just without the full range of drugs.
i know you want hope. i know that it feels like this program is the only good chance. but all this wanting on your part is empowering your son to feel like he is golden, like he is omnipotent. like you will take and do anything.
the thing is--that is how we do feel. except it does not work out so good.
i like sam's idea of renting an airbnb studio. the only thing i would worry about is liability if it is in your name.
there is no reason for his abuse of you. 90 percent (guess) of newly incarcerated people have what you call drug brain.
they do not, the grand majority, abuse cops.
why? the consequences.
the only thing that will work is what he suffers. your suffering is only that. it does not help.
ps i am very sorry he is acting so badly to you. you and your husband do not deserve it. there is no excuse.
this disrespect and hostility is not normal. my son did it. he was not normal.
i think this vacation is fortuitous in many ways:
your son will be forced to make choices on his own with you out of the mix.
he will either:
1. blow it.
or
2. save himself.
the minder however good a person will not care like you. which is a good thing.
before you leave i would with your husband decide what you need to see from son and what would be intolerable. and decide to let his choices determine the outcome. be clear about the outcome before you leave.
i agree with the others. he is testing railings.
he believes the give must come from you, not him.
read some of your threads in september or thereabouts when you were trying to do the harm reduction idiocy. is that what it was called? i hear son acting the same. just without the full range of drugs.
i know you want hope. i know that it feels like this program is the only good chance. but all this wanting on your part is empowering your son to feel like he is golden, like he is omnipotent. like you will take and do anything.
the thing is--that is how we do feel. except it does not work out so good.
i like sam's idea of renting an airbnb studio. the only thing i would worry about is liability if it is in your name.
there is no reason for his abuse of you. 90 percent (guess) of newly incarcerated people have what you call drug brain.
they do not, the grand majority, abuse cops.
why? the consequences.
the only thing that will work is what he suffers. your suffering is only that. it does not help.
ps i am very sorry he is acting so badly to you. you and your husband do not deserve it. there is no excuse.
this disrespect and hostility is not normal. my son did it. he was not normal.
Toomanytears
Active Member
This is my first post, I’m a ”newby” as of this evening.. so please bear with me.
I’ve been reading the posts re: younger adults. In retrospect, I find myself thinking if we would have just been tougher earlier on in our son’s life. BUT WE WERE! We had him arrested, mandated for treatment, testified in court etc...Our son is now 35 and we will ring in the New Year like we have the past 22 years. Yes, we will be starting our 23rd year Jan. 1, 2018 battling addiction, rehabs, county/state prison sentences.
You see, he finally was successful with almost 3 yrs of sobriety. Married, wonderful father of 2 sons and a 4.0 in college courses to become a Drug Counselor. Then the “ love of his life” (his wife - who is by the way a middle school counselor ..) became threatening, jealous, opened the door to drinking alcohol ( once an addict always an addict) which didn’t mix well with his long term medications. She felt his medications “ interfered” with their time together ( made him fall asleep too early). Could it have been that he watched the baby full time at home, was taking classes full time AND working night shift??
I digress. Things went from bad to worse in a matter of 6 weeks. He tried. He really tried. But his coping skills went right out the window. He relapsed. Bad. Heroin, Benzos, crack, you name it .. he’s lucky to be alive. He also has a robbery charge that he doesn’t even remember commiting. We are devastated. That is an understatement. We have few trusted friends and they are like gold to us. Non-judge mental but brutally honest. They worry about our health and our well-being. We in turn can think of very little but the future for him and the long time he will be away from his 8 yr old. ( and 2 yr old).
If there is one thing we have learned, you MUST take a firm and hard stance early on this journey. At the first signs of drug use, get them the stiffest penalty possible! Is it painful and emotional? ABSOLUTELY!!! The alternative, to never be able to reign the addiction in for decades... and it is no way to live. Our son is very sad, sick and honestly I don’t know what his upcoming journey will become. He absolutely is/will be dual diagnosed ( chronic relapse, mental disorder, etc..) along with addiction. He wanted sobriety, he lived it. He loved it. His coping skills were tossed to the wind- even commenting” I’ve had a sober life that I loved, and look what it got me! Nothing can please my wife, I’m going to lose my house I worked so hard on, and my family..”
The earlier the lesson is taught that there are consequences the better. Trust me. It’s nothing compared to the pain that keeps occurring when they don’t get the help ( tough love) needed.
I’ve been reading the posts re: younger adults. In retrospect, I find myself thinking if we would have just been tougher earlier on in our son’s life. BUT WE WERE! We had him arrested, mandated for treatment, testified in court etc...Our son is now 35 and we will ring in the New Year like we have the past 22 years. Yes, we will be starting our 23rd year Jan. 1, 2018 battling addiction, rehabs, county/state prison sentences.
You see, he finally was successful with almost 3 yrs of sobriety. Married, wonderful father of 2 sons and a 4.0 in college courses to become a Drug Counselor. Then the “ love of his life” (his wife - who is by the way a middle school counselor ..) became threatening, jealous, opened the door to drinking alcohol ( once an addict always an addict) which didn’t mix well with his long term medications. She felt his medications “ interfered” with their time together ( made him fall asleep too early). Could it have been that he watched the baby full time at home, was taking classes full time AND working night shift??
I digress. Things went from bad to worse in a matter of 6 weeks. He tried. He really tried. But his coping skills went right out the window. He relapsed. Bad. Heroin, Benzos, crack, you name it .. he’s lucky to be alive. He also has a robbery charge that he doesn’t even remember commiting. We are devastated. That is an understatement. We have few trusted friends and they are like gold to us. Non-judge mental but brutally honest. They worry about our health and our well-being. We in turn can think of very little but the future for him and the long time he will be away from his 8 yr old. ( and 2 yr old).
If there is one thing we have learned, you MUST take a firm and hard stance early on this journey. At the first signs of drug use, get them the stiffest penalty possible! Is it painful and emotional? ABSOLUTELY!!! The alternative, to never be able to reign the addiction in for decades... and it is no way to live. Our son is very sad, sick and honestly I don’t know what his upcoming journey will become. He absolutely is/will be dual diagnosed ( chronic relapse, mental disorder, etc..) along with addiction. He wanted sobriety, he lived it. He loved it. His coping skills were tossed to the wind- even commenting” I’ve had a sober life that I loved, and look what it got me! Nothing can please my wife, I’m going to lose my house I worked so hard on, and my family..”
The earlier the lesson is taught that there are consequences the better. Trust me. It’s nothing compared to the pain that keeps occurring when they don’t get the help ( tough love) needed.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
too many tears. welcome.
what a sad, sad story. i am so sorry.
that said: your pride in and love for your son glows from your post. he sounds like a remarkable man. i worked in prisons many years. unfortunately there are many good men that are addicts whose addictions take over their lives.
is it not possible he can avoid incarceration?
the silver lining is that he is alive.
he will be ok. i am sure of it.
i am working on the same thing as him. how to keep my power in myself. nobody, nothing is worth losing oneself. that is the lesson. i think.
the sober life is not what hurt him. it was his ceding control and responsibility to protect it by protecting himself. this is so hard for me so many years older.
yes he is an addict. but he was dealing with that. but that wife....the world is full of people like that....maybe she is immature and selfish. but jeez.
oh how i feel for him. and you.
why not think about posting on your own, new thread?
take care.
what a sad, sad story. i am so sorry.
that said: your pride in and love for your son glows from your post. he sounds like a remarkable man. i worked in prisons many years. unfortunately there are many good men that are addicts whose addictions take over their lives.
is it not possible he can avoid incarceration?
the silver lining is that he is alive.
he will be ok. i am sure of it.
i am working on the same thing as him. how to keep my power in myself. nobody, nothing is worth losing oneself. that is the lesson. i think.
the sober life is not what hurt him. it was his ceding control and responsibility to protect it by protecting himself. this is so hard for me so many years older.
yes he is an addict. but he was dealing with that. but that wife....the world is full of people like that....maybe she is immature and selfish. but jeez.
oh how i feel for him. and you.
why not think about posting on your own, new thread?
take care.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Well folks it just keeps getting better. The little shot told me his intake coordinator for rehab had a personal appointment and had to reschedule his intake interview. Huge lie! He missed the appointment. He has now jeopardized his chances of being accepted into rehab.
I came home this evening f and confronted him with this. Of course I got the gaslighting and BS story’s of how and who’s fault this was. Well I am not buying it and I am certainly not going for that rabbit hole.
I told him it is his responsibility to make this happen if he does not do this and becomes a none admissible candidate tocreqhb hen he goes to jail. That’s that and not mine to deal with.
I then went to the movies with friends and had a nice evening.
If he does not get the ball rolling on rehab while we are away. I am rescinding his bail bond and asking him to leave or turn himself over to the police. That’s that.
If it’s not solid now it never will be. Perhaps he needs the solid confines of jail to sort himself out.
I agree 100% SWOT. Not that is is easy by any means. I am worn thin and sick to my stomach about this outcome. As I said my sons bottom had a basement and he likes to dwell there.
Yes me to ....obviously RN. What the hell is wrong with my codependent brain. It’s time to let go and get out of his way.
I agree SWOT. We have 20 days of blisss and he has 10 days to get his together or we are pulling Surety on his bail and washing our hands of this mess.
Yes and he is certainly not suffering much is he Copa. Well let’s turn up the heat shall we.
I am so sorry this had been the outcome for you, and I do hope your son finds his way back to sobriety. I am grateful for your post and it has given me courage and strength. Thank you.
I came home this evening f and confronted him with this. Of course I got the gaslighting and BS story’s of how and who’s fault this was. Well I am not buying it and I am certainly not going for that rabbit hole.
I told him it is his responsibility to make this happen if he does not do this and becomes a none admissible candidate tocreqhb hen he goes to jail. That’s that and not mine to deal with.
I then went to the movies with friends and had a nice evening.
If he does not get the ball rolling on rehab while we are away. I am rescinding his bail bond and asking him to leave or turn himself over to the police. That’s that.
If it’s not solid now it never will be. Perhaps he needs the solid confines of jail to sort himself out.
I agree 100% SWOT. Not that is is easy by any means. I am worn thin and sick to my stomach about this outcome. As I said my sons bottom had a basement and he likes to dwell there.
Yes me to ....obviously RN. What the hell is wrong with my codependent brain. It’s time to let go and get out of his way.
Doesn’t get it at all it’s like the upside down marix. My reality is certainly not his. Unfortunately for him my version is supported by society and the law. His well his is supported by crazy ass cop mom and his 17 old girl friend.
I agree SWOT. We have 20 days of blisss and he has 10 days to get his
together or we are pulling Surety on his bail and washing our hands of this mess. Yes and he is certainly not suffering much is he Copa. Well let’s turn up the heat shall we.
I am so sorry this had been the outcome for you, and I do hope your son finds his way back to sobriety. I am grateful for your post and it has given me courage and strength. Thank you.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
TooManyYears, I couldn't agree with you more. In fact, that is what we did. It was a lucky guess and it worked for my daughter. I am so sorry that your son relapsed. It does happen that they get clean then relapse when life gets tough. Drugs become their coping skill sometimes.
Your son quit once. I hope he will do it again, even if it takes prison. Start detaching. . Learn how. You and your wife deserve a good life regardless of our adult kids screwing up. Yes it's hard. Yes we love them.
But none of us, our kids included, get better because we suffer for them. And we waste our own lives.
Blessings and do take care.
Your son quit once. I hope he will do it again, even if it takes prison. Start detaching. . Learn how. You and your wife deserve a good life regardless of our adult kids screwing up. Yes it's hard. Yes we love them.
But none of us, our kids included, get better because we suffer for them. And we waste our own lives.
Blessings and do take care.
ColleenB
Active Member
I’ve been away all week and am just catching up. I’m so sorry LBL that it has been such a roller coaster! I can’t imagine how frustrating it is dealing with sons girlfriend mom, it always makes my blood boil when those who should know better are part of the problem! Working with at risk youth and adults regularly you would think she would understand how critical it is to have boundaries and respect your wishes in this.
You do deserve this trip to Mexico! We are going in March and I can’t wait. We will be leaving the boys on their own and it does scare me to be honest. Son does not have a good track record for us being away. Two years ago we left them to go south and youngest son said older Son was drunk before we left the tarmac, and caused so much damage to our home.... holes in walls etc.... that was all him! No party even. Younger Son cleaned up most of the mess when older one passed out. Breaks my heart he had to do that. I don’t want him to go through that again. I’m considering flying my mom in as we have for so many trips. Both boys are very close to my mom, and older one especially. He wouldn’t want to upset her. She knows everything. He couldn’t fool her. I would do it as much for younger one so he wouldn’t feel responsible for his brother. I worry about anger over what has happened the last five years.... since he was 15 he has watched us stress, cry and basically fall apart at times. This is not ok. He is doing so well now and he deserves the success he is having in his forestry program. I am so proud of him.
I don’t know what I would do in your situation to be honest. Part of me thinks he would be safer in jail. You could rest easy knowing he was “safe” and in a place he couldn’t cause any more harm to himself or you.
However, I’ve been on these boards long enough to know we can never really know what’s best since we only see a sliver of your reality. Trying to explain in words is always going to be inadequate and thus I always try to see a bigger picture than is written. As parents we never want to give up on our children.... it is our nature. I know you have done absolutely everything you could for your son. Whether you decide will be the best choice for you, regardless of the outcome. We can’t control their actions. Hard lesson I have learnt to accept.
Please know you deserve the time away and hopefully whatever you decide to do is your decision, regardless of what others think you should do.
Disclaimer; I’m not saying to ignore advice! There is lots of very very good advice here! Just know that ultimately it’s your life and your decision
you all have to live with the consequences .... no one else.
Hugs good friend. I wish we could meet over a coffee and I could give you a real hug.
You do deserve this trip to Mexico! We are going in March and I can’t wait. We will be leaving the boys on their own and it does scare me to be honest. Son does not have a good track record for us being away. Two years ago we left them to go south and youngest son said older Son was drunk before we left the tarmac, and caused so much damage to our home.... holes in walls etc.... that was all him! No party even. Younger Son cleaned up most of the mess when older one passed out. Breaks my heart he had to do that. I don’t want him to go through that again. I’m considering flying my mom in as we have for so many trips. Both boys are very close to my mom, and older one especially. He wouldn’t want to upset her. She knows everything. He couldn’t fool her. I would do it as much for younger one so he wouldn’t feel responsible for his brother. I worry about anger over what has happened the last five years.... since he was 15 he has watched us stress, cry and basically fall apart at times. This is not ok. He is doing so well now and he deserves the success he is having in his forestry program. I am so proud of him.
I don’t know what I would do in your situation to be honest. Part of me thinks he would be safer in jail. You could rest easy knowing he was “safe” and in a place he couldn’t cause any more harm to himself or you.
However, I’ve been on these boards long enough to know we can never really know what’s best since we only see a sliver of your reality. Trying to explain in words is always going to be inadequate and thus I always try to see a bigger picture than is written. As parents we never want to give up on our children.... it is our nature. I know you have done absolutely everything you could for your son. Whether you decide will be the best choice for you, regardless of the outcome. We can’t control their actions. Hard lesson I have learnt to accept.
Please know you deserve the time away and hopefully whatever you decide to do is your decision, regardless of what others think you should do.
Disclaimer; I’m not saying to ignore advice! There is lots of very very good advice here! Just know that ultimately it’s your life and your decision
you all have to live with the consequences .... no one else. Hugs good friend. I wish we could meet over a coffee and I could give you a real hug.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
I hope you have a wonderful trip to Mexico. Your son's sobriety is his own to deal with. It will resolve it's self one way or the other.
We are given our children for a short time. We do the best that we can to raise them to be decent humans. The rest is up to them.
In the time that you have been dealing with your son's rejection of all things decent, you have developed a keen sense of clarity on the subject.
We are given our children for a short time. We do the best that we can to raise them to be decent humans. The rest is up to them.
In the time that you have been dealing with your son's rejection of all things decent, you have developed a keen sense of clarity on the subject.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Pass Amy clarity and courage comes from all of you. Thank you for all of your wisdom and support.
