Evil thoughts...

[Lil]

As I've mentioned, our son promptly moved a "friend" from the homeless shelter into his tiny apartment (the one he shop-lifted with four days later). We'll call him C. Then he moved in his "friend" "K" from college (who also didn't go to class and failed everything just like my son). Apparently, there have been a lot of people there, which kind of blows me away since it's literally smaller than my office, but I digress.

I get a call from son today..."How do you put an APB out on a piece of property?" I say, "Well you have to call the police; what's missing?" A piece of musical equipment that belongs to K. "Well the police will watch the pawn shops, unless you can tell them who took it."

He's pretty darn sure. Turns out C's father picked him up today...he apparently is going to jail somewhere for something for 60 days (does my kid know how to pick friends or what?) and lo and behold, the equipment went missing at the same time.

My son's remark was something along the lines of..."It's just messed up that someone would stay here for a month and then steal something."



I wanted so badly to say, "Really? REALLY? Wow! Some homeless man you knew about two months took your hospitality and betrayed you? How shocking!
WAIT UNTIL IT'S THE CHILD YOU GAVE BIRTH TO AND RAISED FOR 19 YEARS!"

But I didn't. The evil thoughts did not leave my lips.

It wasn't my son's stuff that got stolen anyway, so he still doesn't know how it feels.

 

[stressedmama]

Isn't it amazing? Not surprising, though. KARMA! LOL I applaud you for holding your tongue. I don't know that I could have.

 

[Tanya M]

Your will power was better than mine!!
I went through the same thing years ago with my son. He stole so much from me and my husband.
One day he calls me complaining that someone stole from him. He went into a rant about how wrong it was to steal. I couldn't contain it and went off on him. His response was "Gee Mom, you don't have to kick me when I'm down"
They really are clueless when it comes to how their actions affect other people. They only care when it affects them.

 

[Echolette]

My son called me today sobbing because some one had stolen his phone (so he says, not sure that is correct). I must say I did not think to point out that when he last left my home (in July) he took a cell phone and my bose speaker with him...I should have.

 

[nlj]

Just heard from my son (takes a deep breath).

He says there's a possessory order going through the courts to get them evicted from the farm site that they've been squatting for the past 2 years. He says all hell has broken loose at the squat and it's really stressful (hence no contact for a while, so at least that mystery is solved).

I said, well, but you don't own the land do you? you don't have any right to be there. So, they've occupied someone else's land (landowner pigs, etc etc etc). Derelict land, but still owned by someone else who wants the land back. They don't get it that they can't squat on someone else's land.

I tried to listen to his argument but all I got was "rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant".

Why don't they get it? Why do they think there's one law for them and one for everyone else? Why do they always see themselves as the victim, mistreated. Why do they never acknowledge the negative effect they may be having on others? Why is injustice always something that happens to them and never something that they cause?

 

[2much2recover]

Why do they never acknowledge the negative effect they may be having on others? Why is injustice always something that happens to them and never something that they cause?

Ah, because the rules of life don't apply to them?

 

[pasajes4]

I could write a book.........

 

[2much2recover]

We are back to " the book" LOL. I remember this exactly between you and I on another post. Yes each of us here could write a book!

 

[Tanya M]

Why don't they get it? Why do they think there's one law for them and one for everyone else? Why do they always see themselves as the victim, mistreated. Why do they never acknowledge the negative effect they may be having on others? Why is injustice always something that happens to them and never something that they cause?

Oh if only we could answer that!! I've racked my brain for years trying to figure it out.

 

[Echolette]

Lucy,

I'm going to suggest a pause in your reaction to your son....his life is being uprooted, and there is chaos and high stress in his community. Of course it is so! Who reacts well to being told they have to move, and soon? Where will they go? How will they move? How will they find a place? that is scary and overwhelming for anyone. Most people react in an attacking or defensive manner when their lives are thrown into upheaval. Only later, when things have settled down, and the immediate panic has subsided, are they able to perhaps see their own role in things.

I think that is a normal reaction.

So...right now we can't know if he will ever get to the normal reaction part..but he might. Maybe now is the time for "this must be very hard for you" type responses.

Just a thought. I know you love and try to support your boy, and I know you sometimes beat yourself up over his moods and situation...maybe this time he is reacting like most people would. All of us flip out when major life changes are imposed upon us.

 

[Jabberwockey]

His response was "Gee Mom, you don't have to kick me when I'm down"

Many times our son has commented that he doesn't want us to think of him as a druggie or a thief. My usual response is "Then don't do drugs or steal". He isn't amused by this.

 

[BusynMember]

I've spent so much time thinking about it, reading about people like my son, and researching that I'm surprised my brain hasn't burst out of my skull. I'm convinced our kids, who are so much alike and all so very me-centric, are either drug addicts (whether we know about it or not) or have personalitly disorders that make them ok with violating the human rights of others (like living on somebody else's property, stealing, abusing the help we try to give them, refusing to take responsibility, etc). I'm going to stick with that.
I actually think most of our damaged darlings are both on drugs, whether we know it or not, AND have personality disorders such as narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline. There is bonafide proof (scientific studies) that those with personality disorders do not think like "normals." Their world in their minds is not like ours. Unfortunately, it is not in a good way. And there is really no help for it except if they ask for it, which personality disordered people rarely do. They think everyone else is victimizing them and mean but that they are the right-thinkers.
Drugs use is another issue. I do think most of our honeys are on drugs beyond what we may know. That's why all the stealing goes on. Drug addicts steal. How else can they get money for drugs? It's an expensive habit.

Some of the "Logic" Bart throws at me leaves me shaking my head for hours. "Mom, stop it! Your realism is NEGATIVITY!"???? And do you ever think he believes he is wrong or not even making sense? You don't think so? Correct!!!!!

 

[InsaneCdn]

I could write a book

We all could.

If we took all the energy we have spent for years dealing with our impossible situations, and put it toward writing, we'd have a whole library of books.

But we wouldn't have anything to write about.

That is just exactly how life goes!

 

[Lil]

Many times our son has commented that he doesn't want us to think of him as a druggie or a thief. My usual response is "Then don't do drugs or steal". He isn't amused by this.

Yep...and I once called his biodad a liar. He took offense and I pointed out that was the term you use for people who lie. Vicious circles, huh?

"Mom, stop it! Your realism is NEGATIVITY!"????

I saw this on your post and it just made me shake my head. Realism is realism...if the reality is not optimistic, then it's negative. Makes it real nonetheless.

 

[Childofmine]

Why don't they get it? Why do they think there's one law for them and one for everyone else? Why do they always see themselves as the victim, mistreated. Why do they never acknowledge the negative effect they may be having on others? Why is injustice always something that happens to them and never something that they cause?

Because they are sick. They have a primary mental illness---addiction or something else.

It's not going to make any sense to us, ever. We will never "understand" it.

If it was cancer, we would have a whole different attitude, but not if they wouldn't get treatment for the cancer. Can you imagine having the same conversation with your son, except this time he refuses to get the chemo and radiation that will save his life?
He won't even go and see the oncologist one time.

Same thing. It's the exact same thing.

I see something good in this, potentially. They are going to have to move and this is a change. One thing that is often said in addiction treatment and in recovery treatment is this:

Just change one thing.

One thing creates a chain reaction of other changes. That can be good.

Maybe, Lucy, if you can stay still...and wait...and murmur innocuous statements when he rants about this, like Echo suggested, and just see what happens...maybe something good will happen.

I pray so. Warm hugs.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, Lil, it was so much worse than that with Bart. IF I don't act like a freakn cheerleader and tell him something as benign as, "If you never visit Jane's house and expect her to come visit YOU every day instead, well, things don't usually work out when you don't do it both ways."

*BAM!* "Stop it! Your reality (sarcasm) socks!!! Stop being negative..." My ears hurt just thinking about it in my head while I type it.

And he isn't taking drugs, not drinking much. He is just himself...personality disordered with twisted, illogical thinking, showing a different, good face to the world that doesn't know him the way I do. Lately I'm starting to worry about Junior too. Bart has no problem making poop jokes with Junior, getting down to his level in age. Worse, he also sometimes makes female upper body part jokes, and Junior is picking up his attitude. He wasn't brought up this way, I swear. He was brought up to respect women...

Would anyone but the rest of us here really believe what we say?

 

[Lil]

Would anyone but the rest of us here really believe what we say?

I understand. My son was not raised to steal, to lie, to be...this. He's made racist statements before...which simply horrify me! He did NOT hear that at home. One of my best friends is black. In fact, Jabber and I went to dinner with her tonight. I've never, EVER, not called him on the lies and selfishness and language.

I imagine no one else who hears him talk would believe that.

So today I get a phone call and his friend K is really sick. He's going to the ER, but everyone they call wants gas money. Okay...I don't mind helping a person get medical assistance; I offer to drive them. So I finally meet K and he is really sick; pale, sweaty, coughing. On the way to the hospital my son starts in again about how he got his tax refund (just about $170) and after food and things for the apartment, which disappeared with various people who left, he's broke. He starts in about people stealing and I did not hold my evil thoughts nearly as much. I said, "Oh, you mean someone STOLE from you! I have NO IDEA how that feels!" (You'll have to imagine the dripping sarcasm.)

My son shut up. K, in the backseat, stopped coughing long enough to snort-laugh.

Of course, we also ended up picking them back up, and I paid for K's antibiotics for his acute bronchitis. (I know, I know, I know...I'm way too nice...but the guy is really sick and I wouldn't want anyone to be sick when I can drop a few bucks on medication.) However, while doing so I heard him give his date of birth - 1987! Yes...My 19 year old son's college friend is almost freaking 30! I'd have guessed him younger. At least he's said he's planning on paying me back for the antibiotics...after his FATHER gets OFF WORK and sends him money.

Yeah...very little chance that this guy will be a decent role model.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Yeah...very little chance that this guy will be a decent role model.

Lil... that 30yo would have been (quite a few years back) my impossible brother. For the record... he DID pay back that kind of stuff. And he DID eventually turn himself around and get a real education and a career (the two not being related, of course). He'll give the shirt off his back to help someone else - and isn't afraid to ask for it in return. There could be worse.

 

[Lil]

Well, I hope so. We'll see. This is also the guy that my son hung with at college...didn't attend any classes and failed right alongside each other.

Let's just say I'm a little leery of my son's choices of friends.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, I hope it doesn't bother you that I laughed at your post, just because it hits home so much.

"He stole from me."

"But you steal from other people."

"You're not supporting me! I'm your son! You should always support me!" *Disconnects phone*

I'm embarrassed to say that Bart is very willing to meet women, talk them into buying him lots and lots of material items, then dropping them. To me that is big time conning and stealing.

Lil, you are goodhearted. It is not a flaw. I know I probably come across here as hardened, but I'm a sap myself. I just write like I think...logical...without sugarcoating. I don't know that I'd help somebody who I feel harmed my child, grown or otherwise, but I have been known to go out of my way to help somebody thumbing a ride and cold on the street...I will call the police and ask for somebody to please help the person and stay until the police come. I have given away clothes, blankets, other items of the little we have to people poorer than us. I stop driving when I see a stray dog and try to catch it, not caring if I get bitten. I'm just able to be tougher when it comes to my own kids, simply because that's what I believe is the kindest thing for me to do for them. Of course, I start out doing all I can for them.

Except for Bart, and Bart and I are actually quite close, my other three adult kids have told him that I'm the nicest mom on earth. I am other-oriented and have to fight hard to be good to myself.

I don't think anything about you other than what a loving soul you are.