Welcome Hunterfied, I am sorry for your need to be here. It is a good place to sort this stuff out.
Not an easy road with defiant d cs in our homes, doing what they want.
Ouch.
You have received some really good advice from our fellow warriors here.
One simple, simple thing I have to add.
It helped me.
A lot.
It’s this fact........
You are not putting your son out, he is putting himself out, by his actions.
He won’t follow house rules.
No mas.
Unacceptable.
Here is another motivator that helped me switch focus.
My younger son was literally on the sidelines.
Oh, I did things for him and with him, but the crazy drama and tension at home was too much for him to bear as well.
He’s a good kid, so he didn’t complain.
He just didn’t want to be home.
It wasn’t his sanctuary anymore.
That wasn’t fair to him.
It was a big eye opener for me when all h e double l broke loose one day with his older sister, he was so frustrated and tired of it, living like this, he broke down and cried, big body jarring sobs.
He was 14.
It was awful.
I realized that what he was releasing then was happening
inside of me too.
How unhealthy my household had become with all of the drama and crazy.
My two would come through that revolving door like a big old dark cloud and the storm just kept brewing and brewing.
When I first faced this with my younger son, I felt
as if I had to choose between my kids, my grandkids.
But, I understand now, that it is my responsibility to ensure that my son has a safe, secure home.
For him.
He is a minor and still under my care.
That trickled over to understanding that I deserved a peaceful home as well.
So, Hunterfied, you have a lot to consider.
It is hard, I know to “put your kid on the streets.”
But, he is of an age of responsibility for his own care. If his job is basically funding his pot use, so is his living in your home, eating your food. He doesn’t have to support himself, so he supports his bad habit.
It took me a while to realize that my two would live with me for the
convenience. It was easy for them. They continued on with their horrible choices, cared not about contributing to the home, came and went as they wished, ( yup, we didn’t have any control over that) and
used us.
That was a super yucky awful crazy thing.
Still, we were stuck not wanting to “put them out” and at the same time
desperate for some peace at home.
They weren’t going to change, so we had to.
We are not rugs to be tread upon.
We are their parents.
They are not helpless.
They want to appear that way, so we keep trying to help them.
What we were really doing, was clipping their wings.
Taking away their responsibilities and consequences of their choices.
Housing adult children who were unappreciative and felt entitled.
Ugh, what a mess.
So, out they went.
It wasn’t easy.
Took a lot of posting here and building my toolbox.
My son is now 16 and stays home a lot more. We have a great relationship. I take my cues from him regarding his siblings. He has a more rational perspective than my oft times bleeding mothers heart.
“Mom, they are adults and they are making horrible choices, it’s on them.”
I am hoping that he will continue on the right path.
If he doesn’t it is on him.
My husband is done. I’m done. It is a constant stress.
This pretty much says it all. I am glad you are on the same page. Being done doesn’t mean you don’t love him, just not going to put up with anymore shenanigans.
Actually, you are loving him more by saying that it’s enough. Time to move on with your life son.
I’ve had to do this several times with my two.
The revolving door has shut.
They need to figure it out.
Life.
They don’t do it in my home.
They just stagnate and make everyone else miserable along with them.
Not good for them, or us.
Oh boy have I gone on and on.
Sorry for the vent and long post. I so remember being right where you are, feeling helpless, my broken heart fighting with my head. I knew what was happening in my home with my two was so many shades of wrong, just couldn’t figure out how to move forward.
You will figure it out Hunterfied, you’ve already taken the first step sharing your story here.
Please remember you matter. You have worth.
Be very kind to yourself.
Keep posting, it helps.
You are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy