Feeling like a terrible mother but....

[WearyMom18]

Lil and Copa, I don't know why she was telling me, I even ask her why she was calling me to tell me that and I can only guess that, as she has done before with the "I'm hungry" line, she is using something she knows will pull at my heart strings and give her money which is ultimately what she wants. She is always trying to get me to send a money transfer to Walmart. She says her friend gets money that way from family and he just picks it up at the service counter. I jave held fast to my guns and despite her trying to provide me with an easy way to send her money, I tell her no.

My husband thinks I should let her contact me again and then lie to her, telling her we won't call the police and turn her in if she wants to come home for a couple of nites. He is wanting to get her in jail as soon as possible because he is afraid she will die from drugs or be raped or killed.

I understand his feeling of desperation but I don't want to lie to her and then call the cops and have her arrested. I don't want to add to the dysfunction of our family and our problems by pulling a stunt like that.

I hope she gets arrested too but then again what if she gets lucky and doesn't get arrested for a year for example?

I feel like we are taking a turn a different path than the one we've been on. We have been doing nothing, making her take care of yourself, figure it out, etc and now I feel like we are wanting to take action of some kind. Am I basing this change on yet another lie she's telling to try us or should I be trying to get her arrested to maybe save her life?

 

[recoveringenabler]

We don't know your daughter, nor are we privy to your history or your daughter's manipulations.....we can offer advice, support and guidance, but with an issue such as the one you're presently facing, you and your husband need to trust in your own instincts and go with your gut. There are times to step away and there are times to step in, only you can decide which one this is. My heart goes out to you, it's a tough call.

 

[Childofmine]

Weary, wow, you are in a tough place right now. I imagine your fear is very high. I am thinking back to when I was in similar situations, and how I handled them. I know I did different things at different points. I shared about the one time I told the police that he was arriving on the bus and they met the bus. Other times, there were no charges against him, and I asked the police for help. They talked to him, but they couldn't do more than that.

One thing I have learned: when I am at my most scared, I want to take some kind of action, any kind of action, because it makes me feel better. Doing nothing is very hard, but many times, doing nothing is exactly what we need to do. A second thing I have learned: I tried hard not to lie to my son about anything because I was trying to keep my side of the street clean. It was about me, not about him. Everything was already so awful, I couldn't add lies on top of it all.

Like RE said, you and your husband are the only ones who can decide what is best right now. You know your situation and there are multiple right paths, not just one.

Whatever you do or don't do, it won't be the one action or inaction that changes everything. We just don't have that kind of power in another person's life. We are on the periphery, actually, as parents. There are much greater influences than we are at work here. Keep that in mind.

I see a glimmer of hope here. She knows she is running out of steam. I would not be surprised if she soon has contact with the police.

This is a good point. When the "crazy" reaches new heights, and things are changing all the time, usually there is a release very soon. Even without you doing anything, it could be that a crossroads is coming.

Regardless of any of it, we are here for you. We can share ideas and thoughts, but we can't know what is best. Warm hugs today.

 

[Copabanana]

Weary, I have been reading along since last night, not knowing what to say. Yeah, I could say I would do xx and xx. But, really...who knows what I would do in your place.

Let me share a bit of what is going on here, that may or may not be relevant. My son called me this morning distraught. He had been hoping to return to a large city near us, to rejoin a friend. Over the past 10 years or so my son has visited there and stayed there...most recently about 3 months ago.

The father this morning told him that he would never forgive my son's behavior....that there is nothing that he could do in this lifetime where he would allow my son to stay there or reintegrate into their family.

My son expressed that he had lost everything. He had burned all of his bridges in life and had nowhere to go...nothing to hope for. This childhood friend and his father are from a country where my son and I lived for some time...and loved. The friendship predates our travel there...My son very much identifies with the culture and speaks the language. The friend has been the link to this culture and community for the past almost 10 years since we left the country. Unfortunately, my son has no other real peer group and no other plan in place except to return to this area.

I tried to express the concept of darkness and storm before things get better...and my son corrected my understanding of the phrase.

Then he floored me: He said, Mom, can I go to xxx in xxx? For months I have been talking about a community in my faith...that deals with recovery in spiritual terms....

So here it was that my son...in what feels to him to be such a dark hour...has at least thought about the possibility of doing something radically good for him. Why? Because he sees no roads forward or out of the current world that he has constructed....

I see your daughter in a similar strait, with the same possibility.

Now, I refuse to hope, because in my son's life I have no power or control. But the stakes for us could not be higher: we are talking about their souls...and their bodies...and their hearts. And our own. My son is my only child.

While each of our circumstances are more or less different...our struggle is the same. My heart is with you and your family.

 

[WearyMom18]

There seems to always be times of chaos when she rears her head and crashes into my day and then immediately after she is quiet. Needless to say, I haven't heard a peep out of her today. Yesterday was such dire straits, I refused to help (money) and today nothing. It angers me that she does that, how incredibly selfish but that's nothing new.

She still feels a connection to me or she wouldn't call me but at the same time I can't and or won't help her so why call me? I guess I shouldn't even wonder why she would show me any consideration. Everything is so disappointing with her, one blow after another. I'm allowing it , I know, but she pops up on different phones each ti.e she contacts me because i block them all to try and shield myself from day-ruining phone call but she will not let me have peace. She finds a way around everything and insists on getting me on the phone to tell me some more horrible stuff about her life, asks me for money, gets told no, whines and cries snd then she's gone! She's hanging in there despite everything I have made very clear to her by repeatedly calling. She still doesn't get it..any of it I'm afraid. So frustrating!

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Weary, I am here with you, in more ways than I wish. Son asked for help with food as money seems to have run out. We picked him up and went to Costco.

In the week since last seeing him, he had lost 10 pounds at least, had an untreated boil on his chin...looked unkempt, anxious...who knows what. The little bit of hope that i tried not to have was crushed...completely.

Don't know how to save myself...yet...and accepting more and more I cannot save him. I have come to the belief that parenthood for me, is a mortal disease. You said it for me:

one blow after another.

She still doesn't get it.

. It is up to us.

 

[Childofmine]

Weary I was so sick of those types of texts and phone calls that I told him I would only talk to him in Saturday mornings between 10 and 11 am for 10 minutes. I told him If he called me any other time but that I would not take the call or I would immediately get off the phone once I heard his voice.

That worked for a while and I had uninterrupted days which I really needed.

I know that sounds harsh but I was so spent from it all and I was desperate for some peace.

He was homeless at the time and had no phone. As I have said before, I had to keep on setting boundaries with him that seemed unbelievable but anything less gave him a way out. Some people just don't get it.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and I so understand.

 

[Echolette]

Child,

I remember when you did that. I was surprised at your strength and resolved, and amazed that your son stuck to the deal. I have to say that over time my son also, honors the restrictions on calls (now that he is in jail I accept one call a day, in a window of time that we agree upon with each call). He has been...great? is that the right term to use for some one in jail?

I will say that when he is not in jail and he spirals into whatever it is he spirals into, the calls will get out of control aain, and he will do things like call to chat at 1 AM...I always answer then because who knows? and then I hang up on him after a brief chastisement...

So my lesson from this is that when they are in a place to control themselves a bit, they can honor those limitations. When they are not...it is we who need to set up the boundaries.

Weary, I never ever answer calls from unknown numbers. They all go to voicemail I have never regretted that decision.

Good luck with this. As others have said, you are in the thick of it.

Echo

 

[WearyMom18]

She called me this morning, she said from a hotel room she managed to get last night somehow. We actually had the most mature, rational conversation we have had in years.

She said she was calling to let me know that with the help of a friend, she is trying to get on at a large retailer's distribution center packing pallets for a job and trying to find a steady place to live. She said she knows that I cannot help her; that she has to help herself. She also said she knows that she is where she is because of her choices and actions. WOW. She went on to say that she was going to try and get a check-up at a free clinic and have a pregnancy test done. She said she doesn't think she is pregnant or sick but wants to get checked out just in case. (I'm nauseated and I hurt over that one)

She got a little weepy and said she understands that she will eventually have to go to jail but she says she's too emotionally upset right now over some recent things that have happened to her so she wants some time to try and at least get a job and a place to live before she feels like she can take jail. She doesn't think she is strong enough in her mind to handle it and be able to tolerate it.

She said she loves me and her dad and she hopes one day we can love her again. I told her that we love her no matter what; we just can't help her destroy her life or help her fix it with the choices she has made and continues to make. She said she totally understands that. She apologized to me for being a *&%^-up and putting us through hell - that we don't deserve it. She thanked me for talking to her and said she had to go so we ended the call there.

I pray that she is not pregnant or infected with some sort of STD or worse - I have reason to believe she isn't pregnant but I won't go into that. =)

I haven't heard such sincerity from her before and it gave me pause. I tend to think she was being genuine - as a matter of fact I KNOW she was genuine. That's my daughter, the girl I raised - I knew she was in there somewhere.

I told her that I thought that if she didn't have a place to go, it might make sense to go and turn herself in. At least she would be safe, have a bed to sleep in and meals to eat without doing anything risky. She asked if I knew how long she would be there and made some talk as if she was considering it but then said, she wasn't sure she could survive it mentally because she is at a really low point right now. I suspect she has sold herself for money or drugs or whatever and she is in a pretty low place right now.

I HATE this for her but there's just nothing I can do at this point. I haven't felt sad to the point of crying this time and I think it's because I might just be all used up - at least that's how I feel right now. This is incredibly hard and I am scared to death for her but now I know that she is in there somewhere - for just those few minutes I got to talk to my daughter, the one I know and raised and love.

I hope I can have that daughter back one day, I hope she survives this part of her life and I hope there's not been too much damage to fix.

Thanks to all of you for your words of support. They mean the world. Hugs to all.

 

[Californiablonde]

Stay strong, Wearymom.. I can only imagine your struggles but I would do the exact same thing in your shoes. I am proud of how you are handling this. You are doing the right thing.

 

[Lil]

I'm glad you got to speak with her in a rational manner. For now, you know she's okay. Keep holding on to that.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Weary, just checking in to how you are doing today.

Your daughters behavior sounds very familiar to me. My son used to call me crying hysterically begging me to help him, telling me people were after him, all sorts of lies. I was always amazed at how convincing he sounded.

Our Difficult Child do not want to admit that their choices have led to their lives being very messed up so they project the blame onto us. Sometime they will come right out and say "if you would have only helped me then I wouldn't have to steal" or they will just try to guilt us into doing something for them by telling us all kinds of things that they know will evoke fear.

You are doing an amazing job at keeping your boundaries in place. I know how draining it is to wait and wonder but it does get better with time as you fine tune the skills you have learned.

Hang in there.

((HUGS)) to you..............

 

[recoveringenabler]

Weary, just so you know this, as I set boundaries with my daughter she went through a lot of changes.......she responded very differently with me as I held strong......like you I felt it was genuine.......with each step, and it took awhile, this did not happen in a month or two, she kept getting more sincere, more calm, more respectful and she stopped manipulating and being disrespectful. For me, her responses were a direct result of my strong boundary. Little by little she got real, she softened. She has NOT changed her lifestyle, that is her choice, but she and I forged ahead creating a new bridge to stand on.

I realize that this does not always happen, some kids do not change. But it did happen with my daughter and I. I just wanted to mention that so that you know there are many possible outcomes......and also I wanted to say that I believe your daughter is being sincere. I believe when we stop buying their antics, they can, not always, but they can stop acting badly and start to get real. Like my daughter, they may not stop their lifestyle, but their love and respect for you begins to show up once again. In the end, that is what I wanted, the connection with my daughter.

 

[dstc_99]

Just a thought but you could wire her some money and have the police waiting to pick her up. It wouldn't be pretty but it would be over

 

[Childofmine]

Weary, I think the phone call is a really good sign. She is (we all hope) reaching a bottom. Is it THE bottom? Who knows? I agree with RE's post above that if we can hold firm, many times we will start to see these types of changes in our dcs.

My son was a tough, tough case. I had no idea the lengths I would have to go to, when I first started working on boundaries and detachment with love, with him. I could not have imagined. I posted earlier about only allowing phone calls once a week between a certain time. The reason I had to resort to that type of very strict boundary is that he would call and text and FB message me constantly, dozens to 100s of times a day with just question marks or ....

I kicked him out multiple times after he stole from me, smoked pot in my house, lied over and over again and wouldn't do the simplest thing I asked.

I threatened to call the police if he didn't leave my front porch after coming to the house in the middle of the night time and again.

He wasn't going to quit. If I had kept on, he would still be doing those things.

Little by little, I was able to do this, with a lot of back steps. When he got stabbed last summer by his now current girlfriend, he left the hospital AMA after his surgery the same night. We had all been there for him, waiting, and saw him after surgery. He was belligerent with us and with the hospital staff. I finally left the hospital room. All we were doing was agitating him. About an hour or two later, he pulled up to my front door (someone had driven him) and he pounded on my door asking to be let in, crying, saying he had to find the girlfriend, that she didn't do it, blah blah blah. I said leave here now I am not letting you in this house. He drove away after a few minutes and went back to the hospital.

Insanity.

Today, as I have been telling you all, he seems to be doing so much better. He'll be 26 in July. I think this is a key factor in his situation, his age now.

Last night he sent me a text that he had sent to a technology school rep here who he has been talking with about becoming an electrician. You can't believe how professional, respectful and responsible that message was. It was something I never thought I would hear from him.

He talked honestly about how he is trying to rebuild his life and that he has a criminal past but he wants to go to school and needs assistance to do it. He didn't ask me to help with the text and the communication and he hasn't asked me to do any of it.

Things can change. People can come back who they really are and were. I know it doesn't happen in all cases, and I'm cautiously optimistic about my son---I realize things can go south again. I am working, I continue to work, to stay out of the way as much as possible. To let him figure his life out. To have communication but not daily. He doesn't need me in his daily business. He needs to learn how to function as an adult in this world, and that doesn't mean Mommy every day.

He also knows we love him and we are here for him, both his dad and myself.

Hang in there. Stay the distance. See what happens. If you can just keep on letting the Universe take its course with her, like you are doing right now, things will change. In some way.

We're here for you, Weary. We know how draining this is.

 

[Echolette]

It is sad and ironic that we get what we wish for (our Difficult Child's in human form, in the form that we recognize and love), and it hurts so much. Because in that form they are vulnerable, and sad and afraid.

It took me a long time to realize that.

It is only in that form that they can get better...they have to see, to suffer, and to figure their own way out. I believe that.

But it is very very sad to watch. I can understand how they can't endure it and go back to their old ways instead. It would be a difficult passage for anyone, and our Difficult Child's have pretty much already proven themselves to be...not resilient.

I would note that she is still controlling things..she chooses not to go to jail right now? that isn't really her right or her choice. She is still DCing..still thinking the rules don't apply, or she is somehow above the law. That will change with time.

Weary, I'm glad you had this moment of shared humanity with her. I would cry too. I hope you can let her grow. I hope she can take this window and get a little better.

Hugs today,

Echo