Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Scent of Cedar *]

I loved George Carlin and "stuff". How true is that?!?

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

I believe there will come a time in every relationship, not only in our marriages or friendships, where the purpose in it has been met. It isn't so much about growth, like some of us get so stuck on our spiritual growth, as it is about challenges met and challenges coming and not even having time to stand up, let alone make sense of things most times.

We are here on purpose.

What we do matters. Whether it seems to or not, whether we ever know it or not, what we do matters very much, I think.

Maybe, everything we do.

Everything we do matters, even the mistakes. Great art is said to come from mistakes. There is purpose to everything.

If the time of a relationship is past, I think we can not save it, but only destroy it, or ourselves, if we try to find a value in it that is no longer there because we have to focus our attention on whatever is embroiling us, next. The thing is, there is no way to know where the cut off occurs. Just like I am always so surprised at what happens in my family of origin around the concept of shunning. Though I felt so ashamed at first, soon enough, I could see the patterns in it and realized it was just something my family does, and has always done.

I am sad for that, the shunning.

I do love my people. That is true. But it is also very much more true that they like to hurt people, and that includes me. It has to do with power over and internal versus external locus of control and all those things I do need to work on...but I cannot advance in company with them.

Even to think of them is a painfilled thing, for me.

I am so sorry Cedar, that is hard.

Copa posted about something her M said once that was so perfectly right: "I haven't left you, yet."

That is the way of a long marriage, I think.

The trick is in knowing which thing is anger and which thing is real and I don't know how to do that, either.

"I haven't left you yet."

I have never forgotten that.

That is perfect in every way. I haven't left you yet. For all my joking around and teasing and yes complaining about the hubs, the most I realized how much I loved him was in the hospital, when there was a real danger of him leaving, forever.

We are slowly making our way back to who we were before all the trauma of our d cs.

Maya taught me that, too. In one of her interviews, Oprah asked how she could stand where she stood, given her upbringing and her race and her sex and her poverty and prospects. And Maya said: "I am here on purpose."

And she said: "If I might actually be somebody someday, maybe I better stop smoking cigarettes and cursing." And she said: "I did stop cursing."

HAH! LOVE Maya!

When asked how she could know that feeling of here on purpose so unshakably, Maya's response was that a religious person had told her to say, "God loves me." And he required her to say it and say it until she believed it, until the voice in her roared it out without fear that it might not be true.

And for Maya, and for all of us, that changed everything.

That is what we need to do, too.

Yes Cedar, thank you for reminding us.

Again, for me, this would have to do with internal, versus external, locus of control. The places I am weak, my D H is roaringly strong. The ways and places I am strong I never once suspected existed.

You are marvelous in every way Cedar.

Living with my D H made me...well, I don't know. Values clarify, in a way. There are so many things I do very well but I was raised being condemned for them. One of my mother's favorite sayings: "Just don't think, Cedar."

Such contempt on her face.

I can see it to this minute.

The difference now is that I see her through my eyes, and not myself, through hers.

I see her through my eyes, and not myself through hers. I think my sister can see this, and it bothers her. I was supposed to stay in my role. It puzzles and aggravates her to no end.
Just don't think Cedar. You have an amazing intellect and insight. I am glad you didn't listen.

So I can see the wrongness in it, and I can see the hurt to me and can see too, how cheap was the thing my mother bought herself with my heart's blood.

Turns out I think just fine; very well, in fact. Not always the same as everyone (okay you guys ~ pretty much, as anyone) else, but that is fine. We can't all be perfect like my mother.

That is the standard, of course, when we have been abused.

That the abuser is perfect and you are not.

That is what it is, isn't it? The facade of perfection, the sacrifice of others to promote the trickery of it.

What will you let him do for you? This is a piece of where we get, when our children have been troubled and we have refused to nurture ourselves or accept nurturing from others.

We are so alone, and so strong, because if we are not, we might cry, forever.

And then where would we all be?

Yes true, we build up walls and barriers to be able to handle day to day. Survival. Did we change all of the dynamics to survive?

They are the men. Certain rights and privileges accrue. They are the fathers. Certain rights and privileges accrue. When things go very wrong, not only do the men feel they have betrayed themselves as males and fathers and protectors but so do we.

Then we project this, whether we speak it or not.

Back in the beginning, when not one, but two children were so outrageously troubled and we could not figure out why? We would secretly accuse one another of rotten genetics.

I have been there.

And there was my stupid family. And how uncomfortable am I now.

Oh, roar doggone it anyway.

Chinese swear work Hung Fuey.

Where is my Chinese waitress.



I hate being wrong.

Fook yuen, so do I, hate being wrong, much better at admitting it now.

In my own defense, I will say that bad tooth alignment runs on D H side of the family while my family all have very nice teeth.

I have big feet, all my kids do.

There was a thread on P.E. about traumatic events with our kids keying into childhood trauma. Everything gets lumped together. Each time a trauma happens, we are socked with old trauma/new trauma/ predicted trauma and are frozen in place. We numb out just to function. When we numb out, that most recent trauma too is stuck onto the unrecognizable, undecipherable mess of prior unresolved trauma.

And we walk around like that until one day, we break.

I see this in the hubs, a lot.

Recognizing how unpredictably horrible are the things, the repeated traumatic things, we have survived is a first step to regaining our self respect, I think. That is what we lose, when we cannot help our children. We are so invested in them, in the pain and the loss on so many levels.

So true Cedar.

I am so sorry this has happened to all of you, and to all of us. We will just do the best we know, then, and that will be more than enough.

I just tell my kids all the time that we love them.

Sometimes, they sneer back.

I don't care.

Love this. When the time comes, I shall say the same.

Thank you Cedar, very much.
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Feeling, you have not checked in. I am beginning to worry little bird. I hope all is well. I MISS you.

leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Was Feeling planning a trip? Or it could be that her son is visiting, or that she has gone to visit him and hasn't been able to check in. I am becoming concerned, too. Will this make two nights, or three, that we haven't heard?

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Tonight will be the second night. That I am aware of she was not going anywhere. She has school to teach.

Feeling, is it because we hijacked the thread for a bit?

I hope you check in tonight.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Yes Feeling please check in. Sorry for hijacking your thread.

.leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am okay. Just very tired after a busy week and down.

My mom's birthday was Wednesday. She passed away 9 days before 9/11.

I put money in my son's account Thursday. I am very sad about not having any contact or news for almost 5 months. I just made it out of the bank before I started crying. I do not even know if he will notice. It feels like my heart is being ripped out.

He cannot help himself. He has an anosognosia and does not believe that he is ill. He feels that others are out to get him. You cannot do tough love with paranoid schizophrenics. His cognitive level has declined and he could be easily preyed upon. Also, his voices command him to do things and tear him down relentlessly. I cannot mentally let him go'.

My ill son also has moderate hemophilia. If someone ever hit him in the stomach, groin, thigh, or especially his head...it could kill him. He does not carry a card or wear a bracelet.

My pre diabetes, I fee,l is straight diabetes now. I am too afraid to go to the doctors. I have not been walking everyday because I had a therapist tell me that it was not safe. I have been watching my diet, but the lack of exercise and extreme, daily stress causes my condition to get worse. My lack of sleep is detrimental, as well.

I am past my checkup date for my brain MRI, with and without contrast to check that my tumor has not returned.

I woke up this morning and was VERY DIZZY just lying down. It could perhaps be diabetes, but it scared me because dizziness was the first sign of my brain tumor. The whole room kept spinning very quickly.

I called an emergency sp. Ed. Staff meeting for one of my student's escalating behaviors...including a new one. Self mutilation.

It is difficult to write when I write reports, evaluations, charts, and stats all week. I have total burn out.

Thank you for your concern. I am just very down, lonely, tired, and scared.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Feeling I am so glad you wrote and so sad for your troubles. It is the big mountain again. I have to go take boy to practice but am praying for you. Remember across the mountain not down, across.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Feeling, nothing has to be done, right now. You are here, reading with us.

I am so glad you checked in. We get involved in this, that, and the next thing, but we care very much for one another, Feeling. I am very much more stable and committed in my own process, knowing you are still on track with yours.

Cedar

Feeling, how are the nights now, for you?

Five months.

That is a very long time. Would you be willing to tell us what you know of your son's situation? Remember, Feeling, that we, too, have children with these kinds of life challenges. I am so sorry this is happening. I don't know where the strength comes from. I do know that we make it, somehow.

There were times when the only people who got it were those on this site...but even so, they were not quite where I was. Know that our hearts are there for you Feeling, and that we will do all that we know or can learn to help you stand strong in the face of this impossible sh**.

Cedar

P.S. I meant...pass the salt.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, I am here now, too.

I had a laundry list of things for you to do but deleted it because Cedar is right. Just be here with us.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

P.S. I meant...pass the salt.

and........ fook yuen........ life is hard.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Cedar, I know nothing of his situation.

Just that he was alive a few days ago and is living in his car in the general area...A few towns down the coast or a few towns up. I know this by the activity of a small joint bank account that he had started to use against my directions.

I was secretly told by a woman at the local shelter that he had gone there...4 months ago, probably for showers. I received a lab fee for him, probably a T.B. clearance to use said showers.

I know that he got a parking ticket at noon at a beach town and that he ha been pulled over due to lack of a current registration sticker.

That is it. He has not worked, gone to school, or seen friends for 10 years. He has had paranoid schizophrenia for 10 years and has never received treatment. He did not qualify for an involuntary commitment.

He attempted to perhaps kill me with a jagged bottle. He was arguing with his voices about not wanting to kill me 3 weeks later. He could be dangerous to us, others, or himself.

He has only used a phone twice in 10 years and I had to file a restraining order against him to keep my youngest son safe. The judge gave a term of 5 years. I cannot even see him if he is in a hospital or jail. He cannot contact me.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, is there another alternative that we have not thought of or put aside and could reconsider?

If you are the one that put the restraining order, if you assessed you were no longer in danger like if he were to be hospitalized, could you not modify the order?

 

[Feeling Sad]

No...

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, I just googled it. I understand you feel you cannot. That nothing that you know about has changed to warrant your changing your mind. But should circumstances change--should you change, or should your son's condition or situation change--it looks like you could ask the judge to modify it.

I think it is important to know that you have a choice. And that your choice remains the same.

This is what I found:

Only a judge can change or cancel a Restraining Order.

If the person who asked for protection changes his or her mind -- after the hearing, but before the time limit for the Restraining Order has run out - he or she is to file forms with the court.

• There are forms to change (modify) the Restraining Order.
• There are other forms to drop (dismiss) the Restraining Order

 

[Feeling Sad]

My youngest son is not on the order. He is protected because he lives with me. My ill son never threatened his life. I bought my I'll son a cell phone that was given to him that day the police removed him. My youngest son left 2 texts. He let it die. My techie son saw that he was at a park in a parking lot, then a local hospital lot, and then a mall lot for the first 3 nights...before it died.

He has NEVER called him during the last 10 years. He loves him, but is afraid of spies, etc.

My youngest son could be contacted for an arrest or hospitalization with the filed missing persons report. He cannot see him ever alone...just at the police station or a hospital with others present for his safety.

 

[Feeling Sad]

The issue with changing the restraining order is that he would never know. I have NO WAY of contacting him.

Even with a hospitalization, judges hesitate to alter it unless he displays sustained, consistent gains. Even with treatment, schizophrenic people can be violent...medications are skipped, too weak, or stopped. Judges always err on the side of safety.

I still remember the way that she looked at me. She displayed extreme concern for the gravity of the situation and care. It was a look like one mother to another. The judge decides and she gave me the longest amount allowed and told me that I will need to renew it in 5 years.

Also, I have heard that if you cancel it, police are more likely not to be helpful or believe you in future violent episodes. I wanted him to receive help with an involuntary commitment.

I have definitely considered having it altered if he did seek treatment and his therapist deemed him safe to be seen at the hospital.

It is profoundly sad to think that I could not ever see my son again, alone.

Actually, sadder still, I might never see my son again...period.

Yes, if he got better, I plan to try. The day I went in front of the judge I was told by a legal clerk that I could have asked for phone calls or visits to the hospital or jail. It was right before court and it was too late.

Thank you, Copa. Maybe he will be brought in. I think that he will 'lay low'. With the advent of cell phones with blue tooth...people do not notice people 'talking to themselves'. He will just blend in, unfortunately. Also, he only spoke to voices in his room, not ever with people around.

Thank you for trying to figure a way to help me. I truly appreciate it and yes, I will make an appointment for my MRI. Was that on the laundry list?

A feeble roar to my warrior sisters, but albeit, a roar nonetheless.

 

[New Leaf]

Warrior sisters a prayer circle for our sister Feeling,
who is tired and worn
and out of sorts
from the heavy load she bears.
A prayer circle
In the form of a lei.
A fragrant lei of pua melia

Flowers strung together representing our love
Symbolizing the beauty and fragility of life
Encircling together, we gift our friend with this lei
strung with care and concern
The perfume of the flowers
resting upon her breast
wafts through the evening air
reminding her of our
presence
and our wishes
and hopes for peace, and comfort.

A prayer circle of sisters,
fervently asking
the stars in the blackest of nights
to give light for our dear sister
asking for the aumakua, the guardians
pueo, the owl to protect her
to watch over her

ardently pleading for Gods grace
to cloak her, cover sister Feeling with His strength
and allow her to rest,
to recuperate
to build up
to partake of ha
and the beautiful refreshing clear
waters of life

A prayer for our dear sister Feeling
to release all of her fears
and sadness
without worry and shame.
For we are here
And we are with her
holding her in our thoughts
and hearts
longing
for her
to heal.

 

[Feeling Sad]

As I am writing my reply, I can hear the relaxing crashing of the waves and the happy song of a bird...

Thank you, Leafy.

The last time I saw Kauai I was 15...just a 'few' years ago. Beautiful. Just beautiful.

I am relaxing already.

Roar.....r.....r.....r.....

 

[New Leaf]

Little bird, you are a beautiful soul.

God's peace be with you.
leafy