Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Copabanana]

Feeling,

When Cedar suggested I google pictures of the Virgin Mary, I did. It helped me. A lot. I think that was when I really began to know and accept that many other mothers had suffered as I was, and if they could live, I could too.

My son called today. I held my tongue and did not ask whether he went to the liver biopsy. He did mention that things were the same. Nothing had improved.

And I did answer: Nothing changes until we decide and make it change. This irritated him. I thought I should have used Cedar-like statements such as: I know you can do it. You will find a way. I believe in you. I love you.

Actually of them all, I know you can do it. You will find a way, would be the best. But I think they would have angered him. This optimism. This belief in him. I will try next time.

COPA

Yes. Me, too, Feeling.

I am so normal for all of the work we did on FOO.

This was a joke.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

My dear sister Feeling,
First of all, before I do anything, I want to apologize for going off into tangents in your thread. In the way women talk, we can go round and round off into so many subjects, then return to
the original conversation. I think this has happened here, on this thread. This is why I wrote below.....

I am on break and cannot go into detail. Thank you so much Copa and Cedar. I was pondering moving our studies out of this thread? We have segwayed so far, round and round in Feelings thread....sorry little bird. However, it does give the study a little more privacy....who am I kidding, we are on the worldwide web.....what do you sisters think? Stay here or create another thread? What to call it if so?

Then I wondered, have I hurt Feelings, feelings? Because you disappeared after this. Oh Feeling, please know I was not leaving you. I was thinking that we could move our discussions over to FOO, and concentrate here on YOU. Please forgive my insensitivity my dear sister, on both indiscretions. It was so inconsiderate on my part, like saying, "Come on girls, lets move the party over here, leaving our host feeling like, "What the heck just happened?"

Feeling, is it because we hijacked the thread for a bit?

I hope you check in tonight.

When Copa wrote this, I began to think about it. How we have been going off into these different discussions, my goodness, Feeling, your thread has 32 pages 620 replies and 9,599 views.
Some folks must wonder, what the heck are these people talking about? We have gone so far off the beaten path from "Feeling Sad, My Son is Homeless."
I don't want any of my sisters to feel bad about this, especially you.
I think we all have learned so much from one another here.

If I have offended anyone by writing this, I am sorry.

I just couldn't help but think about it, and wonder if it was a part of your disappearing.

I had to get this off of my chest.

I do not mean to offend anyone.



But, there it is.



leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Oh my goodness you guys have been so busy today. Lots of good, good work here, So I am going to try and catch up.

I know that everything came to a head and you had to involve the police and the courts....
........But the idea behind detachment is that our kids do better when forced to deal with their situations themselves, even the mentally ill ones.

So true, and difficult to look at when we go down that swirly whirly Feeling. The sadness of it all can just envelope us. I understand why you go there, Feeling. You have held all of this in for so long. This is your safe place. So, if you need to go there, let it out. We are listening with the deepest empathy and understanding.
But we will want to pull you up.
We will want to throw the life raft to you.
Because we care about you.

I wish Cedar was here.

She told me I could stay in bed as long as I needed to. And fall back over and over again, as much as I needed. I was so hard on myself. I still do not think I have a handle on that piece of myself. Cedar understood there would be a time when the pain lessened and I could get up. She knew I needed all of the time I needed. And more.

Time, what is time when someone is grieving?
Deep grief is the bottomless pit, the chasm. We need to get the feelings out, process them. There is no time limit to grief.
One step forward, two steps back.

Each time you have gone to your deepy dark, Feeling, I see you coming out a bit stronger.
You are doing this Feeling.

Please don't go all stoic on us and withhold from us how you truly feel.
Don't feel you have to put on the face we put on when we have to pick ourselves up by the dang bootstraps and go to work. This is not the world you have to be brave in. This is the world you can share your deepest fears, your darkest thoughts and shed your tears. We will patiently, loving listen Feeling, we are here, for you.

This is your safe place Feeling. If you need to let it out, let it out.

I am thinking about when Attilla was yelling at me on the phone "Stop it leafy, just stop it." (that is a whole other thread, sorry)

We are not doing this thing Attilla does. I am not offended by your sorrow. I am grieved you feel this way, but it does not offend me.

So, please tell us exactly how you are feeling, and we will listen, and try to help you think of solutions, or write you poems and send you soothing private beaches.

That is what sisters are for.

My ill son would not leave my home. He thought that it was HIS home. He would not have been safe to others, I have been told, in an apartment or rental room. He refused treatment because of his lack of insight. I had no other options.

Yes Feeling, you had no other options.

Leafy, 'across' the mountain AND my mantra AND my 'private beach'.

Cedar, in explaining that I know little about his situation, I remembered something hopeful...that he might be using the shelter's address for a debit card and establishing trust.

There you are little bird. The light shining through the dark clouds.

I am so sorry for the pain of it. There was a time we discussed Radical Acceptance, here on P.E. Something about that term helped me, too. It is what it is. If we can bring ourselves to that point, then we can stand it. If we can get ourselves to that point where we know we have done what we would do again because there literally was no other way to do it or we would have found it, then we can hold on, somehow, for that day.

Yes Feeling hold on, uh oh, and here it is a song. I am the crazy friend who breaks into song at the oddest times, as you all well know by now.

You had to do it just the way you did it, Feeling. Your son has a chance, now. It isn't so much that you could not have figured out some way to keep him home, impossible as that would have been. Some part of you knows, and knew then, that this is his last chance. He may be able to reclaim himself there in that harsher morality of the streets. He may see himself reflected there, and grow.

There it is, reality. It is cold and hard. But true and real.

You had to give him that chance.

There was nothing else.

There was nothing you hadn't tried.

Now is the time when you gut your way through it.

Radical acceptance.

I am very sorry it is so hard.

As I, too, am sorry of the hardness of it all, for all of us.

That is the worst thing. But maybe, he will find himself.

Those words carry the terror of it.

I was not able to find comfort.

The days passed, and the nights.

We are their mothers.

There isn't anything else to say.

There is nothing left to say.
I have not seen or heard from my daughters.
I will still not pick up that phone.
There is nothing left to say.

Each of us deal with our pain in our own ways.

Feeling, please be careful to recognize when your thinking is running you in spiraling circles of guilt over what is happening with your son. There was a time when I had to choose strength. I learned to say: "This is not helpful or strengthening." And disallow it. There is no point in weakening ourselves with recrimination that doesn't lead us to a new solution or perspective. We have to be so strong just to make it from one moment to the next, and we need to learn to be selective about where we devote our time and attention, and where we allow pain or guilt to be uppermost. When I am at a loss as to why it matters whether I beat myself up or not (and there are so many decisions I would make differently had I known what the consequences would be) I remember that I am the mother. From me, my children will learn how to do this, how to cope, how to value themselves and their lives and their time and their own children.

There is wise Cedar. Our incredible thinker, who was told not to think.
What an amazing mind.
All of you astound me with your wisdom, Feeling, Copa and Cedar.

Running in spiraling circles of guilt. Not helpful or strengthening.
Remember, when you have to go there to get it out, you do.
When you do, we will try our best to lift you up.

You have way too much intelligence, wisdom and wit to be swallowed by this Feeling.

We will throw you the life raft, when you feel you are drowning in it all.
When you feel like you cannot hold on, we will hold on with you, we will throw you that life raft and swim you with all of our might to the soft, warm, sparkling sandy beach.

We are here. You are not alone.

leafy

 

[New Leaf]

My middle son in college up north is very depressed. He feels embarrassed to get help. I texted him...He prefers this to talking. He loves his brother and is worried about him. He is finding it hard to concentrate. He is profoundly sad. I have gently told him to go and talk to someone many times.....
.....He doesn't date. He is a biologist and does not want to have kids because there are 3 people in our family with schizophrenia and he knows genetics. He is lonely. He is so very handsome and gifted.....
.....He helped to paint a large mural of the ocean and sea life outside of my classroom when he was in pull out gate, before I taught at that school. I smile each day when I get to my classroom. He was in the 3rd grade....
....In 2nd grade, they were asked to write their favorite word and draw a picture of it. He chose 'ominous' and drew dark clouds. His teacher was impressed and wanted him to be tested, but I thought...why did he choose that word?.....
....His I.Q. was in the upper 2%. It makes life more difficult for him. He sees everything and feels such pain for people's suffering around the world. He always has. He educates mentally challenged adults and school children out in nature. He helps with river and ocean clean ups. He speaks on current topics relating to our environment. He is trying to hang on...

Your son sounds like a wonderful person, Feeling. I am glad you have rapport with him through texting. Perhaps there other ways to build the bridge with him, and cherish your relationship? I am sure you are already doing this.

He educates mentally challenged adults and school children out in nature. He helps with river and ocean clean ups. He speaks on current topics relating to our environment.

I love this about him, Feeling. He sounds like his Mama. River and ocean clean ups, environmental conscientiousness, what an amazing man.

I am happy thinking about your daughter.

I have never known someone who knew hula. I have never seen it performed, or been curious about those aspects of Hawaii, before. The information you share with us is beautiful, and there is a sincerity to it that I was missing. I am keyed to listen to all things having to do with Hawaii, now.

But I hear it differently.

We had a very nice lunch together. She actually started speaking of her difficult sisters, then we changed the subject to concentrate on her.

(Yes Cedar, hula, is very special. It is a secret language. Hawaiian songs extoll the beauty of flowers, mountains, waterfalls, surf areas, etc. They are stories.
Some of those stories have hidden meanings, and can be quite naughty, and fun.
oops getting off subject!)

Hawaii is a very special place, as Feeling could tell us, having visited here.
Can you tell us Feeling?
Of course, it is an entirely different experience when visitors come.
There is the touristy side, and the local side.

Maybe, if you could think of some little treat that he likes ~ not like a gift certificate for pizza or something, but some special cookies or something you could order and have delivered to him there ~ maybe, he would feel very loved then. Like a gush of surprised remembering of those times when he didn't know yet about his brother, and you were just mom and he was himself. Or, something funny, maybe. Or a book that you know he would like that has nothing to do with factual stuff.

Just something loving from Mom.

I am thinking this of my daughters, too. New traditions and rituals, to cherish our relationship.

It does. I wonder if it would be helpful to sort of casually address that with him, sometime. Just something about how difficult it can be. I read a book about the childhoods of Einstein and Galileo and DaVinci and Tesla. I think maybe Ben Franklin, as well.

How he must see the world Feeling, with such a high IQ. I do not know what my IQ is, but I can tell you from an artist viewpoint, I see things very differently. Okay so you guys have already gotten a little taste of my extreme quirkiness here. People react differently to that. They can shrink away.
Can you imagine, those brilliant minds at work? How odd they must have seemed to other children, where the desire is to blend in with the rest of the flock?
I am thinking of one of my Dads favorite books, "Jonathan Livingston Seagull."

The thing that it is hard to tell our children...is that out of our grief and suffering and impossible hurts we fashion our truest lives.
I wish your middle son knew this. That his pain is a sort of prize. His red badge of courage. It is a very, very hard thing to explain because it is in the doing of it, the mastery of our trials that we achieve the understanding.

So true. Do we even know this until we are older, and can look back in retrospect?

I wonder if your middle son has a kind of survivor's guilt: he does not feel entitled to have a nice life because his older brother does not.

Feeling, please don't get offended at this observation I am going to write.
Many times you have written,
"How can I enjoy my life knowing my son is out there?"
Is it possible your son feels the same way?
Maybe you could help each other past this point?

There is no reason your son has to deprive himself of happiness. There are reasons he would feel such, but it does not have to be.

It does not have to be this for you as well Feeling..... or your sons.

Feeling... he doesn't have to have his own kids. He doesn't need to be lonely. There are women out there who have lost their husbands (for whatever reason) and who already have kids that he could help raise without having his own. I understand not wanting to chance the genetics but it doesn't mean being lonely for the rest of his life.

So true, Insane, so very sane of you to point out. You are right.

And the subject of FOO

Did you know Feeling, that we began attempting to clear those old wounds so we could be stronger, less conflicted mothers for our troubled kids?

This is a whole different path to travel that is so essential for me, to find out why I am the way I am, and in that, hopefully make a better life for myself, by doing that, be an example for my children. I am grateful for our discussions here, and very thankful for the FOO Chronicles.

Trying to come from a place of strength, through despair, across the mountain.....



leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I am not mad.

I am not a self-centered person. Anyone may write about anything on this thread. It does not have to be just about me. I want people to feel free to express themselves.

I have been feeling ill and very over-worked at my job. I do not always have the energy to look at the new threads. I have to do boring and time consuming computer work all day at school and meetings.

I just did not have much to say. I am alone. You were telling current incidences with your husbands or SO. I have been divorced twice, the last time 7 years ago. That does not mean that you could not discuss your feelings.

When I am down and tired...and very lonely I feel like writing how very lucky you are that you have someone. You are all lucky.

I am not mad. My middle son texted me and said that he is so sad that he cannot concentrate, is worried that he will fail one of his classes, can't eat, and feels like he is going to die.

He was depressed when he came down here twice and when I went up there before school started. I wrote down local places for him to go. He will not because he says that he feels embarrassed'. I do not know what I can or will do about it. I told him to eat...or I am flying up there. He has never been this depressed before.

I have told you many times that I have never, or could never, be mad at you. How could I? You only think of others and write beautiful, supportive things.

This thread welcomes everyone to it. I do not consider it to be 'my' thread. It is for anyone that needs it. I merely started it to find help. I do not want to be patronized or treated any differently. I know that people start new threads all of the time. I am not selfish or mad, just burned out and down.

I have no or very little news...ever. He is gone, he will not call, I do not know where he is, I do not know how he is doing, or if I will ever see him again. There is very little for me to talk about. I just am sad and trying to be less sad.

It is 2:30, but I felt badly that you thought that I was angry. I could not sleep. I need to sleep. Again...I am very sad and worried.

 

[believe]

hi feeling sad....i hope you are sleeping as im typing...im totally new at all of this and don't even know how to really navigate the site...ive just kind of jumped in and shared....i just want to say I KNOW how incredibly exhausting this is ..its 10 yrs of it for me....I hope you will get some much needed rest and maybe do something for yourself even if it feels like you won't enjoy it at the moment.....You are so important...our kids have made choices for whatever the reason...if I knew the answer to that I would bottle and sell it and get rich.....being alone in this i think adds another layer to how hard it is...my heart joins with yours and pray for rest for your soul...Believe

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Hawaiian songs extoll the beauty of flowers, mountains, waterfalls, surf areas, etc. They are stories.
Some of those stories have hidden meanings, and can be quite naughty, and fun.

I did know that, Feeling. It fascinates me, especially now that you are here with us and we are learning about Chinese waitresses and the power in fragrance and leis on the sand. There was something on television last night having to do with landing in Hawaii. You know what it was. That rotten movie Fifth Element. With the incredible operatic piece at the end. They arrive in Hawaii and I thought of you Feeling and then, two women, one on each side, present the leis and kiss the cheeks of each arriving man.

A generous gift; a present of the moment and nothing less and nothing more.

And I remembered reading Hawaii or something, about Hawaiian attitudes toward children and relationships and sex and beauty and death.

And time.

I am curious about all things Hawaiian, now.

And thunder, and drums.

How odd they must have seemed to other children, where the desire is to blend in with the rest of the flock?

They were Gifts From God. In the tongue in cheek sense that we once called our kids G F Gs, here on the site. Difficult Children, without exception. The difference has to do with social standing, private tutoring, and money and time. That is not what the book said. That is what I say. Malcolm Gladwell's last book was one of the books that addressed this subjuct, and there was another one too, that I read recently. Johnson was the writer's name, and he had a picture in his book of when they raised the buildings in Chicago on jacks and discussed the invention of electric light and refrigeration but I cannot think of the name of that book, either.

The thing is, no one interviews their mothers.

Then, we would know these things, and would not have to figure them out for ourselves.

And we know already, right ladies, that mystic Russia believed the mentally ill had been touched by God. And they believed what the mentally ill believed about themselves. And the mentally ill persons did wander and were homeless there, too. So, they were fed and clothed and listened to in a way our mentally ill are not.

Drugs enter the picture for our mentally ill.

I am getting heated up. This is my soapbox issue.

Drugs.

*&%$#

In any event, in our societies, kids like Einstein and Jobs and et al only come to the public's attention when they do badly in school (which they invariably do) or they have proven themselves to be of value to everyone else.

I think about it like that, sometimes.

Here is something else to consider: Steve Jobs too, was a G F G person, of course. And there is a saying out there about difficult people, who are a little tormented because they don't fit, being the ones who change the world.

I tell my kids stuff like that all the time.

Casually dropping it into conversation.

Now you know why they don't call me, their own mother, enough or hardly ever.

roar

:O)

But whether my children call me enough or not, those things I have just been telling you are true.

G F G kids, every one.

I just did not have much to say. I am alone. You were telling current incidences with your husbands or SO. I have been divorced twice, the last time 7 years ago. That does not mean that you could not discuss your feelings.

You know, I think it is just a different spiritual path. We were talking about it once ~ about how and why some of us stay married, and some of us go exploring and creating new lives. In a very real way, I envy you your freedom and independence, Feeling. There will come a day when I will be free and independent too...but I will be old, and without experience and probably, unable to drive well. I will have spent so many hours socializing and too few exploring and reading and writing and seeing where life takes me and standing up, there.

I think you have been courageous in choosing your own strength over the mutuality of relationship.

You have learned very much, Feeling. Many different lives and now, you are here with us.

And the friendships of women turn out to be very different than we knew.

When I am down and tired...and very lonely I feel like writing how very lucky you are that you have someone. You are all lucky.

I do feel so fortunate, Feeling. But there are many times when that good fortune felt a trap. There were times when I sacrificed very much to create what now exists...but I lost my children, anyway.

Whatever our situations in life, our task is to learn to cherish and hold ourselves and our lives in tender, compassionate hands. There is wonder in all of it.

We have learned to be very strong, each in her own way.

He was depressed when he came down here twice and when I went up there before school started. I wrote down local places for him to go. He will not because he says that he feels embarrassed'. I do not know what I can or will do about it. I told him to eat...or I am flying up there. He has never been this depressed before.

I am sorry Feeling, but there is nothing you can do about it. Your child, like ours, will come to grips with his life in his own way and in his own time. You could agree to meet and do something special for the holidays ~ something off the wall, I mean. Like, go to a place where they do power lining. (Is that the word I want? Where they hook a latch onto a rope and...ZIP lining. That is what it is called. Baklava grand does zip lining. That is how I know about it, too.)

And you could take pictures and then, out to dinner you both go. Maybe you could try zip lining, too.

I would like to try zip lining.

D H would not.

Drat.

And I did answer: Nothing changes until we decide and make it change. This irritated him. I thought I should have used Cedar-like statements such as: I know you can do it. You will find a way. I believe in you. I love you.

I think that was a stellar response, Copa. We have to say those kinds of words, too. Part of detachment theory parenting I think is learning to respect ourselves and our children enough to be honest. We used to be honest, before the drug use or the illness. And we could laugh and be so welcoming and feel so welcomed and I want to get back to that.

I want all of us to get back to that, and never to let the drug use or the illness destroy us, again.

We are stronger, now.

***

Okay you guys. Here is a true thing. I am pretty brave and mouthy when no one has been homeless or etc recently.

The most horrific thing I learned this summer had to do with needles.

That was pretty awful; pretty helpless feeling, right there. But it wasn't like homeless; and it wasn't like when I first learned to say NO MONEY.

Ew.

We have all been through so much.

Such terrible things.

***

The kids can be irritated (or we can) and that irritation is nothing, in light of the love.

That is real person to person communication, Copa.

I will have to begin seeing my communications with my son in that light. Just for the record, he is no longer calling me a jerk. I think he might have actually slipped and almost called me mom, last time I talked to him. He does sign off with: "Love ya later."

On the other hand, I just sent books for the kids and he never even called to thank me. And oh, I am so seeing red. Son thinks I am a bad grandmother because I do not do what I should, as a grandmother. And I agree. Things have been very rotten what with enabling and the taking all the money just to live and us having to say NO MONEY and etc. I think that is what son thinks about when I send normal things for the kids. Which I hardly do that either, because our relationships are still pretty fragile things since finally, I got it what enabling was and stopped. Son has had to discover he loves us whether we do what he wants or not.

It is better than it was.

There was a time I believed my son that I was a rotten mom and a worse grandmother. Then, Serenity posted for us an article about verbally abusive adult children. And another of us posted about manipulation.

And there I was.

I am less shell shocked, now.

I am so grateful for this site.

I think what I am trying to say is that we are where we are, each of us, and that is astonishing, given what has happened to us, and to our children and our families.

We cannot fix any of this. Not for one another, and not for ourselves. But we do not suffer alone and so confused, now.

And that means everything.

Thank you.

It is 2:30, but I felt badly that you thought that I was angry. I could not sleep. I need to sleep. Again...I am very sad and worried.

It will be alright, Feeling. I don't know how, and I don't know what that is going to look like and it may get worse before it gets better, but I do know it will be alright.

It will work itself out.

Things do.

When the time comes, you will know how to do what is required.

Do you know the Anne Lamott prayer, "Help! Thanks! Wow!" When I am speechless with it, I pray: "Help."

And do you know, I have actually had occassion to pray the Thanks and the Wow parts?

Cedar

Brene Brown is on Oprah this morning, everyone. I know how that sounds. I have zero shame in accessing whatever I believe will help me.

Rising Strong is the discussion, this morning.

"Love ya later."

:O)

 

[New Leaf]

Leafy, I am not mad.

I am not a self-centered person. Anyone may write about anything on this thread. It does not have to be just about me. I want people to feel free to express themselves.

Oh Feeling, I do not think of you as self-centered, just incredibly tired and raw. Like I have felt at times. I did not want to be that friend, we all may have, that turns the conversation to their troubles when we try to speak of our own. It was more a reflection on me little bird, than you.

I have been feeling ill and very over-worked at my job. I do not always have the energy to look at the new threads. I have to do boring and time consuming computer work all day at school and meetings.

I just did not have much to say. I am alone. You were telling current incidences with your husbands or SO. I have been divorced twice, the last time 7 years ago. That does not mean that you could not discuss your feelings.

Oh Feeling, thank you for understanding. I am sorry you are alone. In many ways, I am alone as well. The hubs is a silent, quiet man.

It takes strength to know when a relationship is not right and end it. I admire your courage in that Feeling.

When I am down and tired...and very lonely I feel like writing how very lucky you are that you have someone. You are all lucky.

Yes lucky, although there are some days I do not feel so, thank you for reminding me to count my blessings. You are so strong and kind, and wise Feeling.

I am not mad. My middle son texted me and said that he is so sad that he cannot concentrate, is worried that he will fail one of his classes, can't eat, and feels like he is going to die.
He was depressed when he came down here twice and when I went up there before school started. I wrote down local places for him to go. He will not because he says that he feels embarrassed'. I do not know what I can or will do about it. I told him to eat...or I am flying up there. He has never been this depressed before.

So now both of your sons are depressed Feeling. This is a heavy load. Will they seek help?

I have told you many times that I have never, or could never, be mad at you. How could I? You only think of others and write beautiful, supportive things.

Yes you have Feeling, but I, like you, have a need to apologize, I am sorry about that (oops, I did it again )

This thread welcomes everyone to it. I do not consider it to be 'my' thread. It is for anyone that needs it. I merely started it to find help. I do not want to be patronized or treated any differently. I know that people start new threads all of the time. I am not selfish or mad, just burned out and down.

I did not intend to be patronizing sister, just a little more sensitive. I do not think you are selfish, just was concerned and overthunk it, as is my way. I do hope you feel better little bird.

I have no or very little news...ever. He is gone, he will not call, I do not know where he is, I do not know how he is doing, or if I will ever see him again. There is very little for me to talk about. I just am sad and trying to be less sad.

This is good, the trying to be less sad.

It is 2:30, but I felt badly that you thought that I was angry. I could not sleep. I need to sleep. Again...I am very sad and worried.

Lordy, Feeling, now I feel like .

I am so sad that my post caused you to lose sleep.

Bad, mad, sad, I banish you by calling the mighty
Chinese Waitress guardian


Fook Yuen

Can we have a start over sister?



leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling, thinking of you, hope you are feeling a bit better.


leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, we do not need to start over...it never 'ended'. I am sorry that you thought that I was hurt. You are always kind. I would never be upset. I do understand apologizing when you have done nothing wrong. Thank you for the George Carlin video. I met him once.

I love your picures, songs, videos, and poems. I was not mad, just hurting too much to write.

Welcome, Believe. I love your name. It is very hopeful...something that can be in short supply at times.

You have been going through this turmoil for 10 years? Wow. That must be very difficult. You must be brave to be able to withstand it. What have you done to make it more bearable for you? Do you have a son or a daughter? You are right. It IS more difficult going through this being single...just me, myself, and I. I tend to ruminate. Leafy calls it the 'swirly whirly'. Thank you for your words of support. Yes, I did fall asleep after posting.

My middle son was not getting his phone and just texted last night. I think that it was difficult for him to talk about not being able to concentrate and being profoundly sad.

Leafy, I think that he does think like me. His heart broke when I had to file the restraining order for our safety. He told me, "Just because you are sad, it doesn't mean that it was the wrong thing to do". He also said, "Mom, before your were scared and sad...now you are just sad."

They were very close until my eldest son started becoming schizophrenic. I found a paper that he had written about his ill brother in college and had gotten an "A" on. It was so true and very sad. It showed how frustrated and confused he was at seeing his brother, the one he knew, slowly slip away.

They had a big fallout before my middle son left for college. The Internet lines ran through my ill son's room. To cause problems, he would temporarily turn off the Internet. He did this a lot. My middle son was taking a test online and he ran over and yelled at my ill son to turn it back on. There was no answer. He banged on the door and told him that he was taking a test. My ill son then said that he was not doing anything.

I was going with my youngest son someplace right then. I told them that I did not want any trouble.

After we left, my middle son kicked my ill son's door in. A few days later, my ill son retaliated and kicked his door in. Two broken doors.

I do not know if he had turned off the power or not that day. Sometimes, it would go out on its own. But, he also did it a lot.

My ill son hated him violently after that.

My middle son always, like me, plans way in advance. He always planned to be there for him when I was gone. He decided this himself. I told him that he needed his own life, but he was adament.

He was staying at home because he worried about my safety. He always slept with a knife. He saw that the violence was worse after their falling out because my ill son hated him now. He thought that it would be better if he left. On the day he left for college, he told me that he was afraid that he was going to kill me.

I think that my middle son feels guilty and profoundly sad. He was going to stay with my ill son. Now his ill brother hated him.

If I even talked on the phone to my middle son away at college, my ill son would open his door and smash a glass bottle or kick a hole in his wall while swearing and yelling. I started to act like I was talking to someone else, but once he could still hear his voice and started smashing things. This made my middle son fear for my safety. My middle son started texting and not calling.

I wouldn't really fly up and make him eat. I told him that to let him know that it was serious and that I was worried. I texted him this morning and said some things that I have learned on this site and through therapy. I also told him to eat 3 times a day, take study breaks, and take a warm shower before going to bed. I told him to see a doctor for his depression.

I told him that I was very proud of him whether he passed or failed the test. I also said that his ill brother has a chance now to get better, he has been going to the shelter, had labs done, and is still in the area. I told him that his ill brother was safe from possible prison or feeling badly if he had hurt us.

I told him that we cannot change his illness , cure illness, and that we did not cause his illness. We can stay healthy for when he does seek treatment and reaches out to us. He could only take charge of his life and that he deserved a happy life.

I told him to see a doctor on Monday. I found a free online 7 step course in Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I said take a 5 minute break and read Step 1.

He texted me back and said that he was sorry. He thanked me. I feel better. I thought that the free online course would be a good start. He is intellectual. He was stuck and blaming himself...like I always have.

We are pretty similar.

Cedar, I love your idea of sending a special care package. I have done that before. But, I do not have his address, yet. He just moved to a new room in August. I need to ask him for it.

I had texted to him earlier about a special trip to Canada or Oregon or something.

Now, the zip line idea.... Before my craniitomy, I would be up for it. Now...no, thank you. The tumor was between my frontal lobe and pareital lobe. The frontal lobe affects how you perceive things. That would really scare me now.

Copa, you and I would be up there screaming together. Or...maybe we would give each other strength...? No, I think that we would both agree not to do ir!

Insane...does it sound like fun to you? Believe, do you lbelieve' you would try riding a zip line?

 

[New Leaf]

A song for my sister Feeling

 

[Feeling Sad]

Perfect...as always. Thank you, Leafy. How are you?

 

[New Leaf]

I am good Feeling, my son and I are making chocolate chip cookies. Not good for my rotundness.
Good for our relationship. He will bring them to his friends and teachers tomorrow.
I will try to stay away from the yummy batter.
Willpower Leafy, willpower.....

 

[New Leaf]

Feeling, my son was a SPED student in elementary school. He was tested a slow processor, learning disabled. (I always knew he was a genius) With the help of his teachers, and a good plan, he blossomed from SPED classes to inclusion, to non-SPED in middle school, to two honors classes this year. He is holding his own with a 3.1 GPA this last quarter.
I went back to his SPED teacher and proudly showed her his report card and thanked her for all of her hard work with him.
Thank you Feeling for doing what you do. I am sure there are many, many children who have benefitted from your guidance.

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

My middle son texted me and said that he is so sad that he cannot concentrate, is worried that he will fail one of his classes, can't eat, and feels like he is going to die.

The CBT course is a good idea. I have another. The Thom Hartmann book, Walking Your Blues Away, which Cedar told us about. I know exactly where your son lives--the general area, anyway. I lived about a mile from there. It is a wonderful area to walk.

If I even talked on the phone to my middle son away at college, my ill son would open his door and smash a glass bottle or kick a hole in his wall while swearing and yelling.

This is terrible, Feeling.

I told him that we cannot change his illness , cure illness, and that we did not cause his illness. We can stay healthy for when he does seek treatment and reaches out to us. He could only take charge of his life and that he deserved a happy life.

This is perfect.

I had texted to him earlier about a special trip to Canada or Oregon or something.

Would you go on the train? It is a beautiful ride, I have heard. Your son could catch the train in Salinas, I think. Or maybe San Jose. Or would you fly?

Would you go at Christmas vacation?

Feeling, I am glad you checked in. I am going to order the book, Walking Your Blues Away. I have been meaning too.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I love your pictures, songs, videos, and poems. I was not mad, just hurting too much to write.

Thank you Feeling, I love sending them to you. I am sorry for your hurting, it will get better Feeling. I know it will.

Welcome, Believe. I love your name. It is very hopeful...something that can be in short supply at times.

You have been going through this turmoil for 10 years? Wow. That must be very difficult. You must be brave to be able to withstand it. What have you done to make it more bearable for you? Do you have a son or a daughter? You are right. It IS more difficult going through this being single...just me, myself, and I. I tend to ruminate. Leafy calls it the 'swirly whirly'. Thank you for your words of support. Yes, I did fall asleep after posting.

Yes, welcome Believe!

My middle son was not getting his phone and just texted last night. I think that it was difficult for him to talk about not being able to concentrate and being profoundly sad.

Leafy, I think that he does think like me. His heart broke when I had to file the restraining order for our safety. He told me, "Just because you are sad, it doesn't mean that it was the wrong thing to do". He also said, "Mom, before your were scared and sad...now you are just sad."

He sounds like a wonderful son, Feeling. He needs to see you okay in all of this. I think that would help him be okay, too.

They were very close until my eldest son started becoming schizophrenic. I found a paper that he had written about his ill brother in college and had gotten an "A" on. It was so true and very sad. It showed how frustrated and confused he was at seeing his brother, the one he knew, slowly slip away.

They had a big fallout before my middle son left for college. The Internet lines ran through my ill son's room. To cause problems, he would temporarily turn off the Internet. He did this a lot. My middle son was taking a test online and he ran over and yelled at my ill son to turn it back on. There was no answer. He banged on the door and told him that he was taking a test. My ill son then said that he was not doing anything.

How difficult it must have been to witness all of this.

After we left, my middle son kicked my ill son's door in. A few days later, my ill son retaliated and kicked his door in. Two broken doors.

Ouch Feeling. My grands father punched holes in our walls. Ouch. Were you able to get the doors fixed Feeling? Looking at that can be a constant reminder. I hope you were able to fix the doors, or replace them.

My middle son always, like me, plans way in advance. He always planned to be there for him when I was gone. He decided this himself. I told him that he needed his own life, but he was adament.
He was staying at home because he worried about my safety. He always slept with a knife. He saw that the violence was worse after their falling out because my ill son hated him now. He thought that it would be better if he left. On the day he left for college, he told me that he was afraid that he was going to kill me.
I think that my middle son feels guilty and profoundly sad. He was going to stay with my ill son. Now his ill brother hated him.

How hard this has been for all of you Feeling.

I wouldn't really fly up and make him eat. I told him that to let him know that it was serious and that I was worried. I texted him this morning and said some things that I have learned on this site and through therapy. I also told him to eat 3 times a day, take study breaks, and take a warm shower before going to bed. I told him to see a doctor for his depression.

I told him that I was very proud of him whether he passed or failed the test. I also said that his ill brother has a chance now to get better, he has been going to the shelter, had labs done, and is still in the area. I told him that his ill brother was safe from possible prison or feeling badly if he had hurt us.

Your son must have been encouraged through your words. It must be hard for him being away and worrying for you. It must help him when you are able to share positive thoughts and advice.

I told him that we cannot change his illness , cure illness, and that we did not cause his illness. We can stay healthy for when he does seek treatment and reaches out to us. He could only take charge of his life and that he deserved a happy life.
I told him to see a doctor on Monday. I found a free online 7 step course in Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I said take a 5 minute break and read Step 1.

These are all good things Feeling. You have given him some great tools to help himself. I think they could be useful to me too, I looked up CBT. Could you send me the web address please?

He texted me back and said that he was sorry. He thanked me. I feel better. I thought that the free online course would be a good start. He is intellectual. He was stuck and blaming himself...like I always have.

We are pretty similar.

It sounds like you are very similar. It is the same with my two non-d cs. They are very close. I tell them of my time spent here with all of you, and how helpful it has been. "Whatever works Mom" is what they say. I think they are happy to have their Mom back, not constantly lamenting over their d c sisters. They have detached much longer than I have. They do not want anything to do with them if they are going to continue status quo. They tired of waiting in the wings for me. Now, we are working at rebuilding our relationship. It helps fill the void and adds joy to my life.

Cedar, I love your idea of sending a special care package. I have done that before. But, I do not have his address, yet. He just moved to a new room in August. I need to ask him for it.

I had texted to him earlier about a special trip to Canada or Oregon or something.

A care package sounds lovely. A trip would be wonderful too. Working in schools gives us some time off to do these things during the holidays. What a great idea Feeling, for you and your son to take a trip together. What about visiting your other son? Maybe he could take you all on a easy hiking trail?
I so enjoyed being with my kids on our fall trip. It was a welcome respite after these many years of struggle.

My children needed that as much as I did, and we had some really memorable moments together.

Thank you for checking in sister, I am so glad to hear from you.

Perhaps we could devise a secret code word for when you are feeling down. When you are too tired to write. Or even an emoticon


I do worry and miss you when you do not check in.

leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, my son hikes all the time. He takes beautiful photos. I agree. Walking is excellent for depression.

Leafy, the free Cognitive Behavior Therapy site is British. I love the terms; 'whilst', 'behaviours', 'had a go at someone', 'cut up' instead of cut off by a driver, and 'hoot instead of honk.

It is like taking a mini 'vacay' to England to see a kind therapist there! Just download each of the 7 steps. Quick, fun, and very good for us all. Often a therapist will have you take courses like this in a book. This is free.

CBT is a forerunner in therapy...for our children as well.

It deals with reframing your mind to chose better actions...like you do when you stand up to Attilla!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Leafy, the free Cognitive Behavior Therapy site is British. I love the terms; 'whilst', 'behaviours', 'had a go at someone', 'cut up' instead of cut off by a driver, and 'hoot instead of honk.

It would not come up for me, Feeling. I will google it.

Thank you.

:O)

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you Feeling, sisters shall we try this together?
Lets do go to England!
Cherio Mates!
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leave off the /links2htm. That might help.