Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

HI Feeling,
How did Sunday get here so fast. I swear weekends are sped up and week days, slowed down!
I hope you are feeling better, little bird.
Hope your job is not so hectic, this week.

Since we both work at schools, here is a relaxing video, get it fish-schools,
ha ha, okay, that was lame.
But it is relaxing, I like the honu (turtles).

♥♥ Relaxing 3 Hour Video of Giant Sea Turtles!

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Ironbutterfly]

My son has lived on the streets and in slum housing and couch surfed for about 15 years, since he was 18. He is very street smart. I use to lay awake with the most awful thoughts of him being homeless. It's amazing how they learn and adapt to being homeless. They find the shelters, places for free food, churches who provide clothes, gift cards for food and other items. WE are in a nightmare while they are coasting along and doing just fine. I remember my son calling saying he had to leave the place I paid rent for because they were getting evicted but it was ok he was going to live at such and such place. I had been to that place and it was awful- but he was happy and said "It's ok Mom I have lived in worse places". OMG, it was a step up for him from where he has lived. We find that just horrific but to them they get use to living in bad conditions.

Take a deep breath, one day at a time and enjoy the peace and quiet for now with him not being there. He is being forced to get himself help by being out of your house.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Leafy for the cute turtle video. It was relaxing to watch. You totally understand the pressure that I experience at work...day in and day out. I need to maintain a safe learning environment for my students as a special education teacher. I have to be very aware of behaviors...just as I was for years with my ill son. Yes, I both get and like your joke!

Welcome, Iron Butterfly. Thank you for your wonderful advice. Yes, I will try to breathe and relax. Does it get easier as time goes on? I was forced to file a restraining order for our safety, so I do not know if I will ever see him again. Thank you for telling about the services out there that can help homeless people. It makes me feel better.

My son has a small joint account with me. I keep a small amount in there for him. He is schizophrenic and will not use the funds for street drugs. Some people think that I should not keep money in his account for him. He was delusional and had command hallucinations, ie voices, that told him to kill me. I feel better knowing that he is eating and alive...

I check the account once a month. He is still in our smaller town. It is cold, but he has his run-down car to sleep in.

He had labs done about 4 months ago. I got a small bill in the mail. It could have been for a TB clearance to use the shelter 's showers. Of course, I like to think that it was a doctor visit for treatment of his schizophrenia.

About 2 months ago, I got a phone message that a prescription was ready at Walmart. Again it could be for a benign reason, such as a sore throat. But, again I am dreaming that it is for anti-psychotics.

I checked his account and he had gone to CVS PHARMACY 3 times. I got carried away thinking...wow! He is finally getting medications!

My youngest son quickly brought me down back to Earth. The store itself is just called that, whether or not you visit the pharmacy.

It also showed that he joined a 24 hour gym for the first time in his life for $30. At first I thought, "Wow, he is getting healthy and in shape. He is turning his life around with medications and exercise. As I said earlier, my youngest son quickly yanked me, unfortunately, back into harsh reality.

He told me that homeless people use gyms to take a shower 24/7 with no questions asked. They get air when it is hot and heat when it is cold.

I now worry because the shelter he was going to is known to be very proactive. He will not see the shelter workers that would hopefully gently urge him into treatment or housing. Maybe they already have...perhaps successfully, but I will never know. I like what you said, Iron Butterfly, and what I have been told in the past. He will be forced to seek help not living in my house. I hope with all if my heart that could happen. Again, I will not know.

It is amazing how quickly and eagerly I ran off with unbridled hope...only to be dashed down into the endless pit of worry, fear, and motherly guilt.

I am choosing to believe that reality exists someplace in the middle. So, he IS better than when he lived here under self-imposed imprisonment in his dark room.

Yes, I still deeply feel the injustices of the broken mental health system and the ravages of mental illness.

I am trying to stay strong. I am blessed to know that he is alive...eating...clean...maybe getting in shape...warm at times...and close by.

I am going with the vein of thought from my nice therapist. He is not in the area "like a shark in bloody water" as my severe therapist had said. But, rather, he is in town, close to us because he loves us.

I hope that fellow troubled parents can find some respite in the storm. We are all truly wonderful parents. We are true warriors in every sense of the word.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling

Any way you look at it it looks like your son is getting his needs met. He is showing you and himself that he has options and he can do it, is doing it.

Even if he chooses the 24 hour gym for now, he is still interacting with people. And he knows the support of the proactive shelter is there. He knows he has support. He knows where to go. Already, in a short time, he has surpassed what he had locked in his room.

I am glad you are doing OK.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, thank you again for the relaxing sea turtle video. When I start to feel stressed, I watch it awhile.

Copa, are you still walking? If it is cold or wet...walk at an indoor mall briskly or do leg lifts on the couch while watching TV. But, I remember that you said that you like to walk in the rain...I do too. It is also psychologically uplifting to get outside.

I walk in the early evening before it is totally dark. I tried to do it in the morning before work, like you, Leafy, but I have to get to school by 7:15 to have a chance to get on one of the copiers!

I am doing a bit better. He is alive: eating, taking short day trips a town or 2 away, and perhaps warmer going to a gym. The heater, or air, in his car does not work.

I was thinking that if he filled one prescription earlier that I received a confirmation for on the home phone, maybe some of those CVS or Walmart visits on his bank statement is for a prescription. Also, atypical anti-psychotics make you gain weight. He always thought that he had a tummy, while he was, in actuality, tall and slender. Maybe the gym is to get in shape, as well as, for use of showers and heat 24/7.

I am trying very hard to get my mind in a medium place, not Pollyanna or gloom and doom. It feels good that he is local.

I am glad that I have a 'lifeline' with the small joint account. Without that, I would have truly lost it.

Work is very challenging. It keeps my mind off of things...at least for awhile. I also feel good helping others.

Leafy, you are correct in your thinking about stress from work. I feel like I am a broken-down car, low on gas, trying to get up a hill. It is exceedingly difficult to get out of bed. But, I do it. Once I see the smiles or hear the laughter of my students...it makes it all worth while. I truly enjoy what I do and I put myself totally into helping my students.

At times, I still feel like a failure concerning my ill son. But, he has never gone to a gym in his whole life ,so that is one positive point. Also, he had labs done and at least one prescription...another good point.

Also, my youngest son is safe, laughing, and just being a young carefree adult. Yes, he still worries. One night, he heard a noise and went room to room, slowly, stealthily, and thoroughly checking everywhere. It made my heart break! But, most of the time...he can be like any other 'normal' young adult.

Most importantly, he was not harmed trying to stop my ill son from harming or killing me. That single fact keeps me going. I was told that my youngest son could not have stopped a psychotic schizophrenic with a Butcher knife. I was also remimded.. what if his voices had told him to harm or kill his youngest brother? The police found a Butcher knife, box cutters, and a hammer in his room that day. It could have been for his own protection from his paranoid fears. I will never know... It helps me to go to the worse case scenario. In that manner, I am more grateful for the current state of affairs. Does that make sense to you?

Lastly, I am starting to believe deeper in my mother's heart that I helped my ill son too. He seems to be making very slow progress. He could be feeling relieved that nothing happened. I do not know. I still ache to see him or just hear his voice, but I have the bank activity to cherish. He is alive.

One day at a time, we are all getting a bit stronger. Don't get me wrong, I still worry. But, from time to time, I experience a very quick glimpse of a feeling of peace and calm.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I am very tired. I am feeling a bit better, but I am not sleeping very well. My 5 to 6 hours a night have dropped to 4 to 5 hours. Less nightmares and PTSD, but more stress. That is why I posted on the wrong thread.

You are such a good friend...you found me anyway! Thank you. You always have my back, fellow warrior.

The sea turtle video is very relaxing. I think that it is the feeling of being underwater and weightless. I guess sea turtles have there own worries. Leave it to me to take a relaxing video to a whole new level of concern!

Have a wonderful and relaxing day off tomorrow, my dear friend! Do something special for yourself. Count your blessings to be able to live in Hawaii!

 

[Feeling Sad]

HI Feeling, you are up very late, I hope you are okay. I went to a fundraiser tonight and danced a bit, it has been a long time since I went anywhere and just enjoyed myself.
I am puzzled, because you are posting on an old thread? Are you okay? I think of you often, and hope all is well. It is nice to have the day off tomorrow.

One day at a time Feeling. Stay safe and keep working at peace and calm.
Aloha
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am glad that you were able to go out and dance. I bet that you had fun. It Is good that you enjoyed yourself. You deserve a break! Do you mean 'regular' dancing with your husband or hula dancing?

Take care.

 

[New Leaf]

Do you mean 'regular' dancing with your husband or hula dancing?

Hi Feeling, I fell asleep. I had 4 beers, I hardly drink. Hubs didn't come, he is in hermit stage. I meant "regular dancing" oldies, and some new stuff. It was loud, kind of fun to get out and let loose a bit. I realized, too, how out of shape I am.
Then I realized how much all of this has taken out of me the last four months. I have been healing internally, but "frozen" in a way, physically.
So, starting all over again to get my life back.
I have much work to do.
I do not want to live the last years of my life focusing on my two, and who, what, why, how are they doing?

It is a waste of my time, my life, my energy.

There is nothing I can do, to change what is. Nothing.

I cannot change what was, either. I have reflected much on my past, and I am grateful for the work done in FOO, it has helped me to see the truth.
The truth is things happened that weren't right, I was something of a prisoner in someone else's thinking.

It is the same for my two.
Imprisoned in their actions, choices, entangled, all of us sinking in the despair of it.

They are out of my home now. Out they will and MUST stay.

So the only one imprisoning me, is me.

There is no win in this for us Feeling.

Nobody wins, if we waste the rest our lives pining away about the circumstances our children are in.

It only serves to break us down, and keep us in the pit.

I am slowly crawling out.

We are free, Feeling.
We are not imprisoned, any more.
The cage that once captured us,
the door is open Feeling.

We do not have to stay stuck in that cage,
singing our lamented, mournful song.

The door is open.

I intend to fly out.

Spread my wings, feel the sunshine on my back, the wind blow freely through my sassy pixie cut.

The door is open Feeling, fly.

Loves everlasting arms is the embrace God holds every one of us in.
We have value and meaning. We have done the best job as mothers that we could possibly do.
They are out there, making their way, they will be okay.
God bless them. Watch over them.

We just have to see it, Feeling.

We are not meant to throw our lives down.

We are not meant to voluntarily keep ourselves in a cage of despair and worry.
It changes nothing, and ruins our peace of mind.

What good does it do?

If our children do get better, and there is nothing left of us?
Even if they do not get better......

It makes no sense to lose ourselves.

I will not lose myself, especially at the time in my life,
when I am just figuring myself out.

I believe I can fly, Feeling,
and I believe you can too.

Spread your wings and fly.

FLY, Little Bird,
my warrior sister, fly.

LOVE
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I love the music and the graphics...such a pretty picture. Thank you for all of your well thought heartfelt posts. You always go the extra mile to help people on this site, dear sister.

My best friend lost her son, my youngest son's best friend, at age 10. They played that song at his funeral. My son still wears the 3 rings, every single day, that they both wore at 10, but now on a chain around his neck in his memory.

Life is both short and very precious. I agree with what you said. They really do not know if we are miserable or happy. Yes, I believe that I deserve to be happy. I really want to be happy. I just do not know if I can mentally get there...

As I laid awake last night past 2 o'clock, I thought, "Why can't I go to sleep?" My homeless son is probably asleep...in his cold car. His days of sleeping during the day and staying up at night have probably been altered to get up with the sun more due to both clear car windows and possible peering eyes.

I appreciate that he has a car and a small amount of money. I am grateful for these things.

I feel guilty being in my warm bed and being able to stretch out. He is tall and cannot put his seat all the way back or flat.

That is just it...I feel guilty. I know that I am a good mom and I tried my best...for NINE years, but I still feel guilty. I see a therapist to discuss things, but that nagging...in my throat almost ready-to-cry feeling of guilt is still there.

He has no insight into his schizophrenia...anosognosia. He is not making a bad choice. He does not know that he is sick. Would you take strong rhuematoid arthritis medications with major side effects if you knew that you did not have RA? Even if your mother told you that you did? No. You would think that there is something seriously wrong with her to be trying to make you take medications for something that you do not have. What if she said to take the strong RA medications or move out? Would you take them? No.

I feel about as guilty as someone would feel if they ditched grandma with Alzhiemers at the corner and drove off forever. He has cognitive impairment due to his schizophrenia and to top it off, he sees me as the bad guy because he believes, to his core, that he is not sick.

When the command hallucinations telling him to kill me and the aborted attempt to do so came into play, it greatly changed the options. It forced my hand. All bets were off. I was stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Whatever colloquialism or bromide you choose...it means the same thing. I could not choose his safety over the safety of my youngest son. I had to protect my youngest son and myself from possible harm.

Yes, I saved my ill son from possible prison and remorse. Yes, I gave him a chance to get better. But, I still feel like I have left someone who is confused and child-like out there to fend for themselves. I feel guilty. He is not choosing to be obstinate. He does not think that he is sick.

Yes, I deserve to be happy. I have done nothing wrong. But, he hasn't either. He is a prisoner in his psychotic mind. He did not choose to have schizophrenia.

What is the point of worrying? It cannot affect a change. He will never know that I am worried and yet...I feel horrible in my warm...flat... soft...bed. Horrible...and riddled with guilt.

I want to be happy. Moreover, I want to FEEL that I deserve to be happy. People have told me that I have a right to feel happy, I just cannot. It is back to feeling like I left poor helpless grandma on the corner...

I am sorry. I am really trying here, guys. I want to fly away free, Leafy. I want to be free of my worries and guilt. He is not able to think rationally. He is plaqued by constant demeaning cruel voices. His delusions are held as truths.

I know that he is alive and I am exceedingly grateful for that knowledge. But, sadly, I do not know his state of mind. Is he happy??? Will we ever see each other again?

Leafy, do not despair. I will get my wings one day...hopefully soon. Fly, sister, fly free. You have earned it! Save a patch of clear blue sky in the warm sunlight for me!

Chirp!

 

[New Leaf]

I am sorry. I am really trying here, guys. I want to fly away free, Leafy. I want to be free of my worries and guilt. He is not able to think rationally. He is plagued by constant demeaning cruel voices. His delusions are held as truths.

Feeling, do not apologize, grief does not come in the same measure and form for everyone. I am glad you are seeing your therapist, and working things through. You did what you had to do to stay safe, for all of you. The alternative was unthinkable. Your son holed himself up in his room, he was a prisoner in his own home, and so were you. You did the only thing you could do. It is not a heartless dropping alzheimer grandma off on the corner. It does not even compare. I know you grieve this way, but there is no comparison, there was no other way, you did what you had to do. He is out there, finding his way, gym membership, pharmacy purchases, he his finding his way. He will be okay, Feeling.

Leafy, do not despair. I will get my wings one day...hopefully soon. Fly, sister, fly free. You have earned it! Save a patch of clear blue sky in the warm sunlight for me!

I will not despair, when you are ready, you will fly.
I believe in you.
You will get better.
I will be waiting for you.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

I still feel like I have left someone who is confused and child-like out there to fend for themselves.

My son is out in the cold too. He got kicked out of where he is staying. One place after another, he gets kicked out. He does not learn. He keeps doing the same things, with the same result.

He wanted to come home for one night. I said no. You know how to solve this. Because first I could not bear that he come back to my town. And because I knew what his life would be like back here. I reminded him, he hates it.

If he could just come up with one good idea to help himself. But no. He knows what he has to stay. Just one idea to make things better, that he is willing to commit to. I feel that if I go along with his terms, it is reinforcing the status quo.

So he started swearing at me and talking fierce, I said I have to go, goodbye. That was two days ago. I have been sick at heart since then.

There is no right way to do this. You are not alone, Feeling. I am right there with you. I do not know how to be OK either, when my son is not.

I know in my heart that to allow him to come here...without the idea of any changing...is the worst thing I could do for me...and would not do one good thing for him. But I feel I should.

What kind of mother, closes the door on their mentally ill child? Us.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, you did the right thing. He would fall quickly into his old ways without clear expectations or goals. It must have been very difficult for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You are both healing. You both need your strength.

Your son is in a much better state than my son. Perhaps, if I had pushed my son out sooner, he would be better today. I will never know...

At least you got to hear his voice. Yes, it makes it more difficult. But, I am envious, neverless. You both need to be in a better, stronger, healthier place for him to ever visit, let alone, live there. It would be much harder to have him leave if he failed again. Sort of like dieting...don't take that first bite of the brownie. It is better to wait until you are slimmer, healthier, and stronger in your resolve.

I have read a lot on mental illness and reinforcing bad behavior by allowing slightly larger transgressions each new incident. It enables them and they learn how to 'work' us. We dance a desperate 'mother dance' of sorts...always wanting to forgive and forget. We keep trying to evoke change, but keep losing ground...our health...our well-being......our happiness...our own life and pursuits. They learn dependency and garner lack of initative or volition.

We are both good mothers dealing with mentally ill sons. Normal reasoning and common sense is useless to employ. You need to get stronger in yourself. Take walks. Do things for you. You are putting healthy boundaries and rules into place. Structure and expectations are good. Do not 'bite' that brownie. You are both fragile...but you are gaining strength very quickly. It is beneficial to your son to see a new, strong, confident mother.

My youngest son told me after my ill son was removed, "Well, mom. At least he knows that you mean business now". It was 9 years of chaos and destruction. It wasn't good for any of us...it was a desperate 'mother dance'...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Iron butterfly said it very well,

"Take a deep breath, one day at a time and enjoy the peace and quiet for now with him not being there. He is being forced to get himself help by being out of your house".

Stay strong and breathe, my sister, Copa.

 

[Copabanana]

At least you got to hear his voice.

Yes. And see his face. He showed up at my door 2 hours ago.

Oh well.

COPa

 

[Copabanana]

"Well, mom. At least he knows that you mean business now".

This is very sweet. I do not even know what to say. Because your youngest was trying to find the one positive thing, in a sea of agony. And there is truth to it. A horrible inconsolable truth. Except it is not true.

Now I am figuring out the irony of it. Because the last thing you meant was business. You were cornered. Finally into meaning business. But even then, you would have done anything to avoid meaning business.

I mean how horrible can our situations be? Gnawing off our own limbs? That would be a piece of cake.

And I love that old time expression, mean business. I think my grandmother who has been dead 40 years used that expression. Where did your youngest son learn it, I wonder? Do you say it?

Good night, Feeling. I am losing my mind.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

No, you are not losing your mind...your heart is breaking. You are being tested to the very core.

Yes, my son was trying to find something to put a more positive spin on it.

He kept saying, "You weren't the one who let the police in". He felt like he had betrayed his brother. What a heavy weight to bear on his young shoulders. Being a young man, he was much more worried about my safety than his own. He was robbed of his innocence...of his ability to just be a young man with 'normal' worries...college,career, girlfriend, job, etc.

A young man on schizophrenia.com said that he wished that he had cancer instead of mental illness. He would then receive compassion and not stigma. Mental illness is horrible for all concerned. They need structure and expectations to succeed in life, but their mental illness makes us feel more guilty for doing so.

Take care of yourself today, Copa.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Feeling Sad, I'm thinking you need to re-label that "feeling". I don't believe it's guilt at all, because you are not guilty - its the progression of his disease that left no other option. So, if it isn't guilt, what is it? More likely, a form of grief. Maybe it will help to re-frame it?

It's harder when the situation is current and on-going... but it's still grief.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling and Copa,
This just really, really sucks for all of us. I am going street talk, it sucks big time. My daughter has supposedly been held captive by an abusive man, and I had to watch her walk away, to figure it out for herself. I say supposedly, because she has been caught lying big time about many things.....but still....WTF. WHO DOES THAT? What kind of mother, does that? Addiction is an illness, she is in meth psychosis, and I turn her away.
Can someone just hand over the friggin magic wand already to fix this crap.
It sucks.

Off to work.


grrrrrrrr
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

It's harder when the situation is current and on-going... but it's still grief.

I agree Insane, it is grief, but our friend is lying in bed feeling guilty that she is comfortable and her son is not. How does one overcome that type of feeling?

Grief has stages, it is one of the stages, is it not?
Whatever the case may be, guilt, grief, it all just sucks.
Sorry I am in street talk anger mode.

I better clean it up, before I go to work with the kiddos.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Try to have a good day everyone.
I will try to clean up my fried brain street language potty mouth.........
bad leafy
it still sucks
leafy