Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling

I am still not to bed but I am on my way. How do you get up to go to work?

Goodnight. I hope you are already in bed.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling, I hope work is going well for you, I start tomorrow, ( thought I started Tuesday) got to get back in the swing of things.
You sound really good little bird. Stay safe and sound, secure and serene.......
Take care, sis
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, my son goes to those Goodwill stores. He picked me up a Sheffield silver plate covered server for $1.25. He sends me photos and then buys it for me.

Yes, the area is beautiful...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Wow, Leafy...you had 2 more days off than me! Not fair. Maybe you worked longer into December...

It was very difficult to go back. Good luck tomorrow. Hope that you have a great day! My students were a bit rowdy today with the rain and inclement schedule.

Copa, I guess that I am just used to working on 5 or 6 hours a night. My brain won't shut off. Oh, well...

 

[Copabanana]

He picked me up a Sheffield silver plate covered server for $1.25. He sends me photos

Wow. What a deal. There is also one in Salinas that is good. Across the street there is the best Mexican restaurant. I had carne asada burritos or tacos with salsa verde. The best. Imagine all this time later I remember street food like that. I will check to see on which street.

I am going to bed. Glad you checked in Feeling. I have not walked yet but it is real wet here.

Take care.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

The people in Monterey throw away their good stuff. I got good stuff there. Especially pictures.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Have you thought any more of a Chinese Crested. My Dolly, the Boxer, has her cancer again. She has already had surgery and taken medication, with multiple tumor sites on her body. She responded beautifully to the medication which she took for 6 months. I was so hopeful because past the one year point there is a likelihood they live for 3 years more. It has been a year and a half. She seems to still feel OK. We will go on Thursday to the vet. Wish us well.

I am not hopeful. I told M that I do not want to wait for her to get ill to put her down, but if there is a good chance she will recover again for a substantial time without being ill, we will go back on the medication. She tolerated it well. I do feel bad. But what can we do?

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

It will be hard to go back, but I am determined to get up early and go for a walk to get my routine going.
Been in the doldrums too long, time to get the wind back in my sails. Huh! I am thinking of the lady pirate.....only thing..docs office called and I have to redo blood work, too ( kind of concerned, why a redo?) Guess I' ll find out when I find out.
Only time I can go is after work so no eating for me watch out for the grumpy health aide........to make matters worse I go and help during lunch to keep the peace in the cafeteria......I will try not to drool too much, well it is school food so, no drooling!
The kiddos will be top form, I am sure, Christmas goody sugared up and forgetting all the rules. Ok, guess I am going to have to be the pirate and crack down on the little rascals. I expect my " frequent flyers" to come in. I have a few of my "urchins" that have tough lives, to check on.
Reports due, and Christmas decorations to take down. I feel tired already......hang in there, Feeling, couple more days.....then the weekend. Yay. Is that bad, I haven't even started and thinking about the weekend already......yo ho ho, be hearty me matey, we can do this.
leafy the pirate health aide

 

[New Leaf]

I am so sorry Copa, about Dolly. I hope the vet can help her. It is hard and so sad when our pets become ill. There are no words. I am very sorry.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, I am very sorry, as well, to hear about your Dolly. It is very difficult to go through your pet getting ill. My thoughts are with you.

Leafy, yo ho to you too. You can handle it tomorrow...albeit all sugared up little charges.

I, too, am counting the days until next weekend. A very difficult 2 hour IEP today, dentist filling cavities tomorrow, and an observation on Friday. Wow, the fun never ends!

Arg!!! I mean Roar!!! Yo ho!!! Shiver me timbers...

 

[Feeling Sad]

I was thinking about you around lunchtime, Leafy. Yes, cafeteria food is not very tempting...yet, food is food. When I am watching my carbs...the pizza even looks good.

My positive thoughts are with you!

Did you walk, Copa. Or did the raining stop you?

When I can't walk, I do leg lifts. ..60 on each side. I like walking better. But, I can watch a movie while doing leg lifts...

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling

I should be in bed and I will go right now. No. No walking for me. It is rainy but that should not have stopped me. Walking in the rain is my favorite thing. Or among them. Except flooding is expected where I am. There were 3' deep puddles. I came home in the night and I was a bit scared driving.

I am glad you are doing your leg lifts/walking. I will try to walk tomorrow.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I just saw about the IEP. I hope the parents got every little thing they wanted.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I, too, am counting the days until next weekend. A very difficult 2 hour IEP today, dentist filling cavities tomorrow, and an observation on Friday. Wow, the fun never ends!

HI Feeling, hope the dentist went well, well as best as a dentist appointment. can be . I see the doctor, and dentist Monday after work, that should be fun! I am sorry about the IEP, being difficult. Our SSC has a ton of them, more and more each year. The hardest part is when parents do not want to accept their children's challenges. Our SPED teacher and EA team, do an awesome job, I am sure you do wonders for the kiddos, Feeling. It is a hard, hard job.

I was thinking about you around lunchtime, Leafy. Yes, cafeteria food is not very tempting...yet, food is food. When I am watching my carbs...the pizza even looks good.

We have a fabulous baker, and she bakes fresh yummy stuff all of the time. Yesterday was rolled sugar cookies. I think I had my fill for the next few YEARS! Thanks for thinking of me. My tummy rumbled a bit......through the day, then the lab tech had a hard time getting a good vein, she says mine are flat. Hmmmmmm. So, lots of poking.....well, could be worse, I suppose.

Hope you have an awesome day tomorrow. I will be finishing up a report, then fixing the usual boo-boos and such. Today, two first graders collided at recess, one was really sad, because her loose tooth flew out into the grass. We searched without any luck, so I wrote a letter to the tooth fairy, to give her a break...lol. She was happy after that. All in all, not too bad for the first week back, (well, half-week).

Take care Feeling, have a great Friday, and an even better weekend.

Son is paddling again Saturday, race #3, an all day affair.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

How sweet of you to look for the tooth and write the tooth fairy. They are always sad if they misplace them.

I have found that if your drink a lot of water...your veins become 'plump'. My veins were tricky before, but now it is much easier.
I hope that your son does well tomorrow. It sounds very exciting!

I am still going through a rough patch. I am very sad because I probably won't ever see my son again. I try to view the issue this way: If he doesn't get treatment, I shouldn't see him because it would still be dangerous. But, if he does receive treatment, then he would want to contact his family.

I feel like I have abandoned him. I wish that I had let him call me on the restraining order. I just followed their directions. He is paranoid. He will never try to call or see me ever again.


I did buy him a cell phone. He is allowed to contact my youngest son and he left his number and sent 2 messages. My ill son let it die.

I also have a joint account with him which I keep enough money for food or a room.

He is still local and he has gone to the shelter which is proactive. He had labs done and a prescription.

My heart just aches almost constantly because I do not know if I will ever see him again. I have even wondered if I will be able to see him from Heaven...

I know that we are all in similar parental 'boats', but his cognitive impairment due to schizophrenia makes me worry about him. My schizophrenic sister was kidnapped when she was 21. I feel like I have failed him. I know that I tried my best, but I can't shake that feeling. My therapist has seen schizophrenics come in on their own for help. But the lack of insight into his illness will probably prevent this.

Good luck tomorrow. I hope that it is good weather for him.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, I will keep this brief. I have had a tough day and I am sad and drained.

None of us knows the future. You did not know the future all of those years your son lived with you. You do not know it now. You feel afraid and sad. That is coloring your sense of what is possibility. I know how hard it is to sustain hope. I have that same problem.

What has changed for me is my boundary of myself. This is probably much harder for you because your son is impaired in a way that my son, at this point, is not. But I will say it nonetheless: I know I cannot control anything having to do with my son.

Nor can you control or could you control anything to do with your own. Any illusion that you could, was ended when you heard him conversing with his voices about killing you, and indeed, did for a second act on this.

There will come a time when you realize that your suffering is doing nothing at all to keep him safer. In fact the only effect is to make you suffer. If you compromise your health in this way, this very thing may affect the possibility that you will ever again see your son. It is a fact of life. This. People do die of broken hearts. Your heart is broken. For now. It can mend. You have some control. Not total but some. As do I.

I have said before that I believe you will see your son. All of the things you cite are hopeful signs. You can modify the restraining order. There are interventions that could someday be made. There is possibility here.

I know you know all of this and you write down your pain as a way to handle it. I am not challenging how you feel or how you thing. I am telling you another way to see. Feelings are hard. But thinking can be changed.

Goodnight. Sleep tight.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Copa. You are right...you always are. It just seems like one step forward and 2 steps back. I am trying yo be strong and hope that he will be okay.

It is sad not to have any contact, by law, no less. I do not know how he is feeling or handling living in his dilapidated car. Nor, am I able to witness any possible improvements. I just feel like crying all of the time and I can't go on antidepressants because of my health issues. I still see the wonderful therapist.

If I did alter the restraining in court...he would never know. How would he be notified? I cannot do an intervention of any sort. I do not know where he is. He has been permanently scared off by the police.

I have a lot of things to be grateful for, but also reason to feel profound sadness. You are right. My heart is broken. You are also correct that I am destroying my health over it. I am walking, eating properly, and seeing a therapist. I do not have a husband or partner to help shore me up or keep me active. Yes, I do have two other sons to keep healthy and upbeat for.

But, I will keep muddling through the muck and mire of the guilt and what if's. I did the only thing that I could. We were in extreme danger. I have been told by numerous professionals. I do not regret what I did. I regret that it came to that.

I blame the broken system where he did not qualify as being 'dangerous' enough to others. They did not bring him to a hospital for treatment and medication to help him gain insight. After all, the last time he did not "threaten me to my face". I "merely overheard him talking to his voices". They actually told me that. Two years earlier, when he threatened to cut my face up, the police just told me to evict him. Unbelievable.

After my last attempt failed, I had 2 choices. I could have let him stay and possibly be killed by him or put him out onto the streets in his severe unmedicated psychotic state. What a great system. What a torturous choice.

I also blame the insidious disease of schizophrenia and my lousy DNA.

Thank you, dear friend. I am sorry for the rant. It is probably healthier than grief... Right? I am truly usually not the type to moan and groan. This site is great because it is okay to vent or feel weak. We are all comrades in handling our grief and struggles.

I just can't let go of the 'unjustiice' of the disease and the system...and of my ill son. It ebbs and flows...yet it is always there in my heart.

 

[New Leaf]

Feeling your son is doing something about his illness, this is so very good, sister. If he had stayed at home, it would have been a different story.
Please do not think you have failed him. How could you have failed him? Do we not, all of us, go over our parenting a thousand times a thousand, wondering where it all went wrong?
Your son is ill, this is sorrowful and true, but he is also out there seeking treatment. With him at home, it was as if you were both imprisoned, you with desperation to help him; your son, battling the voice commands to harm you.

I know how this feels, it is a deep pit.
it is the same for me.

I am sad about my two girls, my grands.
But, they would not grow, here with me,
just as your son, would not grow with you.

We love them with all of our hearts,
enough to let them go, and test their wings.

And though our hearts ache for them,

It is not our suffering that will see them through,

it is and always will be our love.
Remember sister,
they are out there finding their way
they will be okay

We have loved them as best we can,
we gave them all of our love,
the best of ourselves.
they are out there
finding themselves
Now,
we need to find ourselves
we need to believe in their meaning
their potential
we need to show them, by our living well
that they can too.
You will see your son again Feeling
He will be okay
Project that positive outcome in your mind
And live your life
There is so much more in life........

today is when your book begins
because.......
the rest is still unwritten

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I do not have a husband or partner to help shore me up or keep me active.

Feeling, I have a husband, but he will not talk to me about this. We are like two ships passing in the night at times. In this sense, you are not alone, Feeling.

But, I will keep muddling through the muck and mire of the guilt and what if's. I did the only thing that I could. We were in extreme danger. I have been told by numerous professionals. I do not regret what I did. I regret that it came to that.

Feeling, we all have gone down that road. My two have both told me, they are the way they are, because of me.
I made mistakes in raising them, nobody is perfect.
You have no control over DNA.

I just can't let go of the 'unjustice' of the disease and the system...and of my ill son. It ebbs and flows...yet it is always there in my heart.

Of course it is always in your heart. It ebbs and flows for all of us in varying degrees. We all have to feel what we feel. Then find ways to overcome it. And you do, Feeling, you are very brave and strong.

Thank you, dear friend. I am sorry for the rant. It is probably healthier than grief... Right? I am truly usually not the type to moan and groan. This site is great because it is okay to vent or feel weak. We are all comrades in handling our grief and struggles.

Feeling, please keep checking in.
That was scary, not hearing from you.
OF course you can rant, vent, here. I remember you writing that you cannot share this with anyone else.
We are here for you.
But, we wouldn't be your friends if we didn't try to help you look at things differently. We care.
Share your feelings, let it out, it is not good to keep it in.
Feelings do ebb and flow.
You are overworked and tired. There is so much on your plate,
and you are not sleeping well, little bird,
5 to 6 hours is not enough rest.
I hope you are sleeping now.
I am going to bed.
I hope you feel better in the morning.
Last day, then the weekend.
Please make sure to do something nice for YOU Feeling.
You are in a job, that takes a lot of energy and loving care for others.
Do something good for you, sister.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

SAFE

Sons and daughters away from our protective view

All troubled wanderers need to be kept out of harms way

Free our beleaguered parents' minds of worry and pain

Envelope us with warm thoughts and peace

Be Safe guys. Be Safe.
meow
leafy