Hi. It has been awhile. I have had a lot of stress and work at my job.
I received a handwritten letter from In and Out to my ill son. They say that they have something of his at the headquarters and that he needs to come in and show I.D. to claim it. I am assuming that it is his wallet, money, and his Driver's License. They knew his old address...here. It will be destroyed in 5 days.
Yes, I know that I cannot do anything. He cannot be contacted. Yes, he could just get a replacement Driver's License.
He still has his debit card to that small joint account. There was activity on it yesterday when I checked.
But, here is what I am worried about. He needs to have the replacement mailed. He used, I believe, the shelter's address to receive a debit card. Since that address change, his joint account statement no longer is mailed to my address. I have to call up the automated service and take down notes on the most recent activity. I only do this once a month, so that I do not get overwrought with concern or worry. I put in a small amount each month. Again, he is out there because his schizophrenia and its accompanying delusions and hallucinations brought on a violent psychotic episode. He lacks insight into his condition.
Back to my concern. He will have to have the replacement mailed to the shelter. If he does not tell them to keep his primary address on the Driver's License, then I will not be contacted for accidents, tickets, arrests, etc. I will be out of the loop, so to speak. I know that he could tell them not to contact me...I am thinking if he was severely injured or unconscious.
This big possibility of a changed address greatly frightens me. My son has moderate homophilia and does not carry a card or wear a bracelet.
The day after my ill son was removed, I saw a therapist. He was surprised that they did not feel that he qualified for an involuntary commitment.
I told him that in many ways, he is like a child. He said, "He IS a child". I told him how badly I felt and asked if I had done the he right thing. He said, "Are you kidding? He sounds like he could have easily followed the command hallucinations ordering to kill you without ever realizing what he had done". He then told me that I needed therapy to address my feelings of guilt. My feelings were very normal, considering the circumstances.
My son is not in touch with reality. Schizophrenic people are at a much greater risk of both suicide, about 10%, and being preyed upon by others. Again, my schizophrenic sister was kidnapped by a pimp and forced to turn tricks because she was gullible and naive.
Maybe people are not allowed to have the shelter's address on their Driver's License because they come and go. Maybe, hopefully, the address will stay the same. I am just heart-broken. He loved his wallet. He picked it out special in Chinatown.
Most of the people on this site have contact with their children and choose, rightfully so, not to help them. My psychotic son is in a different category. I had to file a restraining order due to my life being in jeopardy. I cannot legally contact him. My youngest son could...at a safe distance, but we do not know where he is. We just know that he lives in his car in the general area.
I want to help him, but I cannot. Yes, I had no control over his choices in the past. But, I want to make him safer out there. His cognitive impairment from his repeated unmedicated psychotic breaks negatively impacts his reasoning and judgment. In addition, he is controlled by his delusions and voices. This is like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from...suspended animation.
I still cannot accept the 'unthinkable' possibility that he could have killed me. Yes, my body believes that threat...but my heart...my heart... cannot. I cannot accept that reality. I am mentally unable to believe that fact. Yes, it was not my son, but instead, my son in the throes of a psychotic state. His voices were controlling him. I keep having flashbacks to that night that in an instant he held the jagged bottle to my throat. I repeat it, over and over in my mind, because my mind fails to fully register it.
Yes, my homeless ill son is like grandma with Altzhiemers out there on her own. No, it is not my fault. It was not by choice. Yes, I had to do it. But...it is still like a confused grandma left to navigate life on her own. I am sorry. That is what my heart feels.
I will keep trying to be positive, but it is difficult to stop worrying. I have had no contact for over 7 months. Yes, he is alive, and that is huge, don't get me wrong. He is in the area, is eating, had one lab performed, filled one prescription, went to the shelter, and joined a 24 hour gym probably for showers at odd hours with no questions and little contact with people.
I will continue to cling onto these positive facts and to endeavor to stop my excessive worrying. I bought a strider machine for $200 from a shopping network. My youngest son said that I could stride to a new me! Yes, a neurotic, worried, exhausted...allbeit more toned ,'new' me. Yay! I mean...Roar! Yes!
It should be called the 'Stresser'. Yes, you too can 'stress' your way to a new you!!! Yes, you too can convert your anger, fear, and guilt into a new toned you. The greater the guilt, the greater the workout! Angry? Well turn those feelings into a new slim...still angry...you!
Hmm...atonement and toned...hmm...coincidence?
Yes, my new S.O. is a strong strider who is 'always there for me'! Jealous , ladies?
Okay, I have officially lost it. All that I can claim is continual sleep deprivation. Well, my new hunky S.O. won't mind...
