All of these things point to what Childofmine posted. Powerlessness. Acceptance. We have nothing except this moment. In ourselves. Possibility. There is no guarantee of anything else. How much time do we have to fritter and waste in ways that will help nobody at all? There can be the decision not to scapegoat ourselves. For that which we are not responsible. And then, there is the possibility of joy. I know in your situation right now, that sounds crazy. But does not all of the agony of these past years, mean something? Cannot it not be turned around, into something meaningful? Maybe on some level because your son may have had the genetic predisposition, you feel responsible. You gave life to 3 sons. You wanted them. You love them. Was it wrong to give birth? To give life? You did not cause the illness. How on earth did you fail him? Tell me, please. You are not G-d. Even G-d does not cause suffering, in my view. Forgive me if you believe differently but I believe HE relieves suffering, and does not cause it. Nor does HE want it. (I am going to be kicked off for talking about the Divine. I am not religious. But you come to it...from all of this suffering.) I forgot about the money. That is huge. Does the record of withdrawals show where he is? We care for you Feeling. I for one am imagining your son on a huge adventure. Imagine how bored he got all of those years. As smart as he is. The thing is YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW HE IS FEELING. You are projecting from your own fears.