Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Feeling Sad, Jul 7, 2015.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh FS, I feel your pain. You cannot keep him safe from harm. That is the great illusion we parents suffer under. Or as in our case, as siblings too.

    I struggled with letting go of so many in my bio family, it was so deeply painful.....learning to let go of what I can't control has turned out to be the greatest lesson of my life. It's been going on ALL of my life. But, you know what FS? Underneath that letting go was the discovery of a sense of peace I didn't know even existed. There is great suffering in anything we are attached to and when we begin the journey of letting go, the suffering begins to subside. It may sound pretty surreal to you right now, in the throes of so much sorrow...........I am not minimizing your pain, I know exactly what that pain feels like........I am just offering a tiny ray of light in the dark you find yourself in........I know that dark well, and the way I found my way out, was to continue to let go, one moment at a time.....it's hard FS, I know, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, letting go, letting go, letting go.......keep posting......be kind to yourself.......keep yourself very well supported.......we're all here for you......
     
  2. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Feeling Sad -- Wow. That's a heavy story and I feel the weight (as an onlooker) of your story. You've been through a lot. So has your son and your entire family. Sometimes a situation is so severe that there's only so much that can be done. It certainly sounds like you've done your best to do the greatest good for him you can. The severity of his situation is higher than my pay grade to advise you. We have experienced much here, but not in the same ways you have.

    Man, my heart really goes out to you.

    At the end of each day, take comfort in knowing you are doing and have done everything you can think of for your son. You are giving all you have. A toddler can't dunk a basketball...........it's just too high and they're not built for it.

    At the beginning of each day, please consider yourself and your needs. Find something in your day (however small) which brings you peace or comfort or, heaven forbid -- joy. You matter tremendously and this is a VERY difficult road you travel. Your health and happiness matter greatly!

    Take care....... Sending warm wishes your way.
     
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  3. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Thank you so much. You guys at this site always pull me out of the depths of despair. Your kind words and thoughts of inspiration help me carry on day by day.

    My therapist told me today something similar to what Copa gas said. That my son might me doing better because his triggers and target, i.e. me, are gone. That maybe I have helped him. Yes, he was saved from possibly killing me and prison, but also he might be having less symptoms because he was protected, by me, from his own possible actions.

    It makes me feel a little better thinking that I may have actually helped him. She also agreed with others on this site that knowing that he was alive by money going out of the bank was big.

    She also agreed that I should not tell myself that I will never see him again.

    I still feel profoundly sad and that I failed my child. You have to remember that my schizophrenic sister was kidnapped by a pimp and forced to turn tricks in as seedy motel.

    I worry about him being preyed upon by others. I also worry about the high suicide risk...1/4 to 1/3 try and 1/10 are successful. His voices always tore him down. Schizophrenic individuals have a much higher rate of hurting themselves than others.

    I am back to work. One of my 9 years old students went 1 1/2 hour straight yelling out, banging his book, desk, and chair while refusing to leave. At least...he did not throw something at me. It us my Forte working with special needs students...it is just for very taxing right now...

    My son is like a child in many ways and is not in touch with reality. His voice especially tell him to duck down, freeze in place, or that someone is out to get him. People with schizophrenia sometimes play music loudly so that the voices are drowned out. medications help take them away, but most times they are just softened. Patients are taught through cognitive behavior therapy how to deal with the voices. Some patients miss their voices.

    My therapist said that my life was probably saved because I heard him arguing with his voices about killing me. She said that he probably changed his mind when he held the broken bottle to me throat.

    Headlights, I do agree with you. This
     
  4. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    (Sorry, trouble with cell)...is very heady stuff. I still cannot believe that it really happened. Yes, I will try to find peace each day in some little thing. I am trying...it is just so very difficult having no knowledge or contact.

    Thank you to everyone on this site who gives selflessly to others while their own hearts are often breaking. You help hundreds of troubled people...members and guests by your shared experiences and life knowledge.
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    There is a thread up titled something like feelings are not thoughts.

    I believe feelings follow thoughts. I used to think it was opposite. Now I know better.

    What about writing flashcards with thoughts, that you really believe, and grouping them as to theme. Start training yourself Feeling...by thinking in a way that will result in different feelings. It works for me.
    Of course that makes sense. This is bringing up all kinds of feelings from the past. When this happens to me, while I do not like remembering sad times and feeling bad...I see it as an opportunity to work through events of the past...so that I am not such a victim of them.

    Your therapist sounds good for you.

    You are doing so well. I am still not back to work, but I think I could do it now. A month or two ago, I could not.

    Have a nurturing and peaceful evening, FS.

    COPA
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2015
  6. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Thank you, Copa. You must be psychic. My therapist, formally known as the nicer therapist, gave me actual homework for the first time ever...to take 5 minutes a day to write down positive things...
     
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  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You know I could not know what your son is like or how he presents himself to others.

    That said, men with Paranoid Schizophrenia often could look strong and fierce to me...their suspicion had translated into their carrying themselves in that way.

    I saw that others sometimes did not want to mess with them.

    You knew your son was tortured because of your intimate relationship with him. Others may not see that part.
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2015
  8. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    My son is tall, but very slender since becoming ill. He spoke softly and quickly and did not look into your eyes very much. He is afraid of people. No, he would not intimidate anyone. He did not converse with strangers if at all possible. He is handsome, but you can tell that he is very nervous. He wants to be done and leave. He usually used to only go out at night when it was dark and less crowded. He would stand at the closed door at look out to make sure that it was clear before he rushed out.

    This is why I am so scared for him. He is out there with no sanctuary. Yes, spending so much time in his room was bad. But, now he is out there open for all to see. It must, on some level, be very hard for him.

    On a more positive note, I saw that he traveled for the day to a town 3 towns away by his bank withdrawals. We used to go there to walk along the beach and shop. This made me happy to know that he went there.
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    FS, when I feel out of balance, often I listen to any number of guided visualizations by a group of guys called The Honest Guys. You can do a search on Youtube for their visualizations.
    Here is one you can start with if you so desire....
    5 MINUTE Calming Meditation (With Guiding Voice)
     
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  10. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Thank you, RE! It does help to calm my nerves.
     
  11. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    It is really crazy-making to both miss AND fear my son!!! It is a true nightmare that causes me to be suspended in disbelief that it really ever happened. I have flashbacks about the bottle incident, but almost coinciding with that fear is my heart - breaking ache to see him. I keep wishing that it had never happened...
     
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Just want to say I am here and reading your posts, FS.

    I am with you in spirit as we walk this road.

    Apple
     
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's hard to live in those kind of paradoxes FS. A therapist of mine defined 'health' as "living within the paradoxes of life and not going crazy." Having grown up with so much mental illness and then having a daughter who ferociously went off the rails, I've had to learn how to live within dramatic life events with some kind of balance, it's not been easy.

    Gather your tool box of nurturing, healthy, positive things you do for yourself daily and practice them as your priority. I listen to those guided visualizations daily, I meditate, exercise, eat very well, sleep well (the basics are VERY important) as well as go to an acupuncturist on a regular basis too. For me, acupuncture is an amazing tool which calms the whole system, mind, body, spirit in a way that is profound. And don't forget FUN and laughter which are healing balms of the utmost importance.

    In the midst of some of the weirdest times for me, my husband and I would take off every single weekend, sometimes just for a day, and drive to the ocean, or the woods, or the city, really anywhere that was 'away.' We would head out of town. It worked wonders. As we got farther away from home, the drama would subside and I would begin to relax. We did that for years.

    My experience in this is that with each positive advance you make that is solely for YOU, you create more balance and health for yourself and in time, you quietly slip in to a place where you start to feel okay. Then you start to feel good. Amazingly, in spite of the circumstances of life.

    We all find our teachers and guides on this path, and one of mine is Eckhart Tolle whose written two very good books, The Power of Now and the New Earth. He has Youtube chats you can access if you are so inclined and a variety of CD's. His teachings helped me a lot.

    Hang in there FS, this is hard stuff. But, learning to navigate through it is possible. We're here with you, we understand, we've been there.
     
  14. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I want to check in with all of the wonderful people on this site. I have been teaching, which is very difficult for me now because of what I am going through. The positive aspect...is that I am distracted from my constant worry and perseveration about the current state of my schizophrenic son.

    I spend my weekends alone. I am single. I wish that I had someone that I could just take off with and drive. My youngest son is very busy and has his own life. That is the way that it should be...especially now that he feels that I am safer. He needs to heal and enjoy being young. When I do go off on my own, and I do love to take day trips, all I have is my internal dialog of worry and self-doubt. My thoughts travel with me. The person I used to go on day trips with was my ill son.

    I divorced my second husband in 2008. I have had no guests at the house because of my ill son. The house is in a total state of disrepair. I have the chance to bring out my breakables and start to fix up my house. I have no energy. I stopped caring when my ill son would destroy and throw food all over my house. I am depressed. I no longer have to worry about things being broken...but I do not care anymore.

    I have reread the warm and insightful words of encouragement from the posts. When I am feeling sad or down, I start rereading. The words give me renewed strength. I feel that I am able to face one more day. Thank you for that.

    I always felt that helping my son was my responsibility. I do accept now, that I did what I had to do. No options were left. It was the ONLY way that I could keep my youngest son safe. Both of my other sons needed to be free of worrying about my safety.

    The point I still evaluated over and over and over again was, "What could I have done differently???" I felt that it was up to me to keep my ill son from getting worse. I felt such extreme guilt. I am his mother, my family has schizophrenia in their DNA, I am a special education teacher, AND I am a high achiever...I meet my goals!

    I mentally kicked myself daily and felt like I had failed my son. Today with my therapist, I breached the subject. She asked me what else I could have done? I started on a long list of things that I would have done, or done more, or done differently. She said three words that stopped me in my tracks. Yes, you could have done those things...but "you could be dead!"

    She said that I was in a very, very dangerous situation. If I had pushed him harder, we do not know what he would have done. I started tearing up. I rarely cry, especially in front of someone. I felt , yes the fear of it all, but more so, a sort of release from my guilt. I had permission to have not tried all of the other possible stategies. I feel that I can finally forgive myself. I always felt that I could have, somehow, had done better. I teared up because that scared 11 year old girl deep inside of me, the traumatized girl from growing up with my schizophrenic sister, was told that it was okay. I did my best...and it was okay.

    Throughout this whole ordeal, I put myself on the bottom. My needs were not important. I got the restraining order to keep my youngest son safe. I also wanted to protect my ill son from his possible violent actions, prison, or having to live with the knowledge that he had hurt or killed us.

    My therapist wanted me to tell her how I did it to save myself. I didn't. If my youngest son did not live with me...I would still be with my ill son...still trying to get him to receive help. I told her that I did not run out of the house because I had a good self concept and knew that I deserved a safe place to live. No. It was a basal, primitive animalistic urge to get away now...no thought was involved. Just fleeing quickly.

    My therapist is amazed at the amount if danger that I lived with. By her saying that if I had tried more that I could be dead was at the same primal level. No other words are needed. Yes, it is still immensely difficult to accept that my own son, while in the throes of delusional psychosis, could have killed me. But, I need to face the truth. That was a possible realty.

    I am feeling better tonight. I turned a very crucial corner. I forgave myself. I still worry...I am still very concerned, but my horrible guilt has been eased.

    Yes, I can finally say, in earnest, that I tried my best...and believe it!

    Take care. Thank you to all of my supportive, wonderful friends. I am truly blessed to have found you.
     
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    FS, I am so glad that you posted. I am so pleased and proud for you of the work that you have done towards freeing yourself. I have not a lot of time I just want to say a couple of things.
    You are at the point in the road to begin to make some choices for yourself. Depressed or not.

    I know how it is to be depressed. I have been too.

    I will be direct here. You need to make some women friends. More of them. I do not know if you have the slightest interest in needlework, but sitting with other women to spin or to quilt or embroider or knit or crochet is very, very nourishing. It is also social. Without pressure. You can go just to learn or to learn more...with no pressure and without a commitment. I would do it. In a heartbeat.

    But there are all kinds of other ways to meet people too.

    Now we will talk relationships here. I met my SO when I was 60. I have never had the kind of relationship I have with him. He is kind to me. He is good to me. He supports me in every way.

    I cannot imagine life without him. You do not have to be alone.

    There are people who want closeness. 'Companionship. They want to love you.

    My mother who has died met her SO of 20 years when she was 67. They traveled and danced and ate out and went to movies and were best friends. They shared their lives except she refused to marry or let him live with her.
    '
    It is time to decide how you want to live. You, not circumstances, not responsibilities, decide. If you always wanted to learn Italian you can go to Italy next summer and learn. Anything is possible.

    You know what I did? You like to drive. I went to race car drivers school. At Laguna Seca, I think is the name. Why did I do that? I had developed an intense fear of freeway driving and I thought it might cure me. It did not cure me, I am sad to say. But it was an experience. I should tell that story more often. I was 58 years old.

    Think about what you want. It is time. For you.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  16. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I love the fact that you took a class in race car driving...how cool! You are very brave...even if it did not abate your freeway fears.

    Also, thank you for telling me that you met your SO at 60. I am 62. I feel like I am much older now...probably lack of sleep and burnout.

    I crochet. Each time I became pregnant...I always started a very large baby blanket. I never finished any of them... Maybe for a grandchild???
     
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was happy to read your post FS, I have found similar moments of clarity when a therapist has pointed to the truth which I could not see in my irrational mode of never being or doing enough. I understand the weight that was lifted off of you today. We become "needless and wantless" in the face of so much need around us, as if by giving up our needs, we are helping those we love to have their needs...... as well as ours. Except all we really do is deplete ourselves.

    I met my husband when I was 60 too. He is my soul mate, my playmate and my best friend. I never thought I would be in this wonderful a relationship, but here it is! You deserve to be loved and nourished, and when you love and nourish yourself, others arrive to do the same.

    If you don't feel like doing anything around the house, well DON'T, there's no gun to your head, and if there is, it's your gun! Leave it alone. Go have your nails done. Do nurturing things for yourself. Frivolous things, unnecessary things, things you really want to do. You've put enough time in on the care of others, now it is your time............go grab it and cherish it......we have a finite amount of time here and there is a lot of living left to do.....make a plan to do something for yourself, every single day, buy flowers, light candles, take bubble baths, have a facial, buy something soft and pretty for yourself........you need to fill yourself back up now......fill yourself up with what it is you love......

    It's your time now FS.......take it......
     
  18. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Thank you, RE. It is strange that so few words can make such a big change. You are right. I am too involved in trying to fix things...somehow, that I couldn't see the bigger picture. I felt such extreme guilt. I now feel that I truly did everything humanly possible for my son.

    I read a quote once about schizophrenia, or anything actually....I will probably massacre it. 'He or she will get better or worse no matter what you do or don't do."
     
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  19. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I am not doing very well. I really am trying to be strong. It has only been 2 months. I worry almost all of the time. My ill son, because he has schizophrenia, is not in touch with reality. He can't just start to be better. He can go up and down in his symtoms, but he is still delusional with voices that tear him down. His paranoia and voices will probably keep him from getting help...He does not think he is ill.

    I do not think that he will ever call me. The last time, 9 years ago, he stayed away in a different state living in his for a year without calling because I had gone into his room. Now...I have a restraining order for 5 years. The judges decides. He will not call because of the restraining order and he is afraid of others tapping the line or spying on him.

    I know that I did the only thing that I could do, but it is so very difficult to be hopeful. Schizophrenia is in a whole different class. He thinks that others are out to get him. The police pulling him out of his room probably made his delusions worse. He knows that I was in on it...

    Yes, I hope that his delusions and voices that plaque him are lessened. ..but will I ever see my son again?

    I feel guilty if I have a somewhat good time, which is very rare these days, and the nights are unbearable. I am trying to think good thoughts, but my heart is breaking. It is not his fault that he has schizophrenia. When I think of him before the illness took over...I just cry. He was always so kind, funny, handsome, an excellent student, and always protected me...now I am afraid of him because of his delusions and command hallucinations. It isn't fair that he has this disease. Each day he is tortured by his thoughts and fears. The unknown is killing me.

    He is all alone out there. He does not trust people. He is probably scared. I cannot help him. There is no way that I can help him. The mental health system is horrible. I miss him so much.

    I am sorry that I am complaining so much. It is hard to have hope. I do not want him to get hurt or hurt himself because his voices tell him to.

    A therapist told me the day after it happened that I was right...he IS like a child out there. I feel like the worst mom in the world. I know that I am not, but I feel that way...and it is my DNA. I know that is not my fault either, but ...just the same. What a horrible'gift' to give my son.

    Will I ever see him again? How am I going to carry on? A mother is supposed to protect their child?

    Yes, I had a true Sophie's choice. I chose to protect my youngest son. I was right in doing that. Yes, I protected my ill son from his possible actions. That was also the correct thing to do.

    But, he cannot help being ill. He did not deserve this life sentence. He does not deserve to be without his family out on the streets, probably living in fear. He is not probably going to seek treatment because, in his mind, he is sane and everyone is out to get him. He told me once that if I knew the 'truth' that I would be sad. His delusions and voIces are real to him.

    He will not contact me because now he believes that the police are 'out to get him' and all of the neighbors that he thought were watching him saw him escorted out of the tract by the police.

    I am sorry. I am just in a very bad place right now.
     
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hugs.

    Yes, mental illness is extremely unfair, and Schizophrenia is probably the worst. And the supports for mental illness generally range from shambles, to non-existent, to counter-productive - even for those of us dealing with less extreme forms of mental illness in our kids.

    In some ways, you are grieving. You have lost your son to this disease. You have lost your ability to "mother" him. Be kind to yourself. It will take time to get your feet under you again.
     
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