Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Feeling Sad]

Good news. My son up North has a bed in a small storage room with some wall shelves and a plain full-sized bed...all by itself.

I have never seen such a beautiful bed. Nor, has such a simple bed made me so very happy...

He has not slept in a bed since February while going to school and working 2 jobs.

Hopefully, with sleep he will be a bit less depressed.

He did tell me before, though, that he liked being tired...that way it was more difficult to think about things clearly.

I understand completely. When I first wake up in the morning, I feel a very brief, fleeting feeling of nothing. I really cannot call it joy. It is, rather, the absence of sadness or worry.

Then, sadly, it all comes rushing back.

My youngest son wants to move out. It is time. He is looking at houses. He stayed around the last year to be with me after what happened. He put alarms and cameras up for me.

He told me that he has dated 3 women and all of them lost interest in him when they found out that he still lives with his mother... He is the only one that he knows who still is.

I will not tell him how profoundly lonely I am...or that a part of me is still very afraid to be alone, especially at night.

I realized that I have never been alone in my whole life. I am afraid of sounds...shadows...being in a big house all alone. I think some fear can be attributed to ptsd. Maybe, it is watching too many ghost shows, as well. Maybe it is my flashbacks.

There have been too many changes in my life. I am sad and scared, but I will be strong and try to be positive for my sons. It is wonderful that I can share my secret with you at this site.

Now...If you could just come and live with me...

I am not feeling much like a warrior these days. I do not think that I have a "Roar" left in me.

I read an article from Harvard how Benadryl could cause dementia, so I have stopped taking it. Now, it will be even more difficult to fall asleep.

So much for being well-read!

Yes, I can clearly hear you, my dear friend, Copa. A Chinese crested would be the answer...companionship and a watch dog, of sorts. Yes, the embodiment of perfection.

I really don't know how I am going to handle it.

I will think about it tomorrow. Afterall...tomorrow is another day...

The cameras pan out from the heroine standing on a hill over-looking Tara with...what is that?...The majestic silhouette of a Chinese crested sitting bravely by her side...outlined in the bright sunset. His little tongue protruding from his feverishly panting snout.

The closing music begins...

 

[Albatross]

Feeling Sad, I am happy to hear your son has a bed to sleep in. I see why your feelings are mixed about youngest moving out.

It has been a time of so many changes for you. Maybe, after the dust settles a bit, would you be interested in the possibility of a smaller residence with more security, like a condominium or gated community, etc?

And oh yes, I think it is a great idea to find a dog! Better yet, let the dog find you. They know what our hearts need.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Alatross. Funny...I just read a story to my class called "Albert the Albatross".

I still want to stay in my house, I like the privacy, but it is a trade off. It is quieter, but larger and thus, scarier. It has more places where it could have shadows and noises.

I still worry about never seeing my eldest Iill son, who is schizophrenic, again. But I will worry a bit less for my middle depressed son up North. Yes, I will be supportive for my youngest who wants to move out.

I have an allergy to dogs...animals in general. A fish would be safe, but not much as a companion. It could 'listen' to me...

 

[BusynMember]

Parrots and some other birds are very social and make great companions.

Some dogs are supposed to be non allergic. Don't know if it's true but dogs are great comany.

 

[jetsam]

High sad, I have been following along. Glad to hear about your son up north It must give you some relief ! I read where you stopped taking the benadryl . I was wondering if you are aware of therapeutic oils? I too have sleep issues (as well as many others) lol and I use therapeutic essential oils for several things. I us lavender oil in a mist diffuser in my bedroom at night. I find for me it works better than the benadryl and is not harmful to me as well. Lavender is known to have properties that can help to induce calming and sleep. also if you are anxious you can put a drop of oil in your hands and rub them together cup your hands over your nose and inhale. This has worked for me as well in anxious situations. I am sure you are skeptical..as was I, until i was introduced to the oils and started to use them. At any rate, what could you lose to try it. lol Yes I agree with the others that a hypoallergenic dog would make a great companion. Not only is it company but pets are also very therapeutic for people! They actually have done studies that show pets can reduce stress,lower a persons blood pressure, and at times help with depression.!

 

[mof]

Dogs with hair tend to be less allergic..than dogs with "fur". I cannot tolerate to be with a lab, but sleep with a shihtzu.

 

[AppleCori]

How are you feeling now, FS?

Do you still get the vertigo, nausea, sleeplessness, or has that gotten better?

I'm glad your son has found a place to live!

Apple

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am experiencing less vertigo, but I still have it at times.

I have read that people with brain trauma, ie brain tumors, may experience vertigo more often. I never had vertigo until after my craniotomy.

I had a few days of nausea and dizziness months before they discovered my tumor. I had a meningioma and you experience these symptoms when they are small. They grow slowly. That is why my unclear checkup left me a bit unsettled. It is what it is.

I have break-through simple partial seizures. At times of stress, I lose feeling on my right sight.

When my schizophrenic son lived at home, I would experience loss of feeling when ge became violent. You stay awake during simple partials . My tumor was between the frontal and the parietal lobe, which controls the sense of touch.

Before, it was no feeling on my whole right side. Now, my thumb and index and middle finger tingle. It also feels like someone is touching the right side of my head...phantom sensation of touch. Fun...The first time I thought that my house was haunted!

Yes, Apple, I am very glad that my son up north has a bed. I am able to worry a bit less about him. I hope that he is feeling less depressed with more sleep.

I still do not sleep well...about 4 or 5 hours a night. I perseverate and worry... My class is a bit less difficult this year.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Jetsam, I am going to try therapeutic oils. I have nothing to lose and I love the scent of lavender.

I have been trying to do slow breathing to help when I am feeling worried or anxious. I could slowly breathe in the oils and 'kill two birds with one stone'...

I always thought that bromide or colloquialism was violent...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Jetsam, I am going to try therapeutic oils. I have nothing to lose and I love the scent of lavender.

I have been trying to do slow breathing to help when I am feeling worried or anxious. I could slowly breathe in the oils and 'kill two birds with one stone'...

I always thought that bromide or colloquialism was violent..

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad

So glad to hear that your son has a bed. The little things can matter so much!

I am severely allergic to dogs and cats. However, I have a Yorkie and a Morkie (half Yorkie/half Maltese) and I am not allergic to either one. I sleep with both and LOVE it. They are actually very good watchdogs too. I can literally rub my face in their fur and I love it. The ONLY thing I cannot do is touch my eye if one of them licks my hand or I have an allergic reaction in my eye. To me that is a small price to pay for the cuddles.

I do have seasonal allergies so take Clarinex and Singulair daily. I used to get chest congestion several times per year but by taking these two pills I have not had anything for years. No side effects either!

Jetsam I just ordered a diffuser from a friend and am excited about using the oils as well. It also has a nightlight and plays very relaxing music. I am hoping we can sleep with the music on as well. She is really into using the oils for all types of remedies.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Applecori, I wanted to thank you for your kindness and concern. Yes, I am going through a rough patch, but I am taking it day by day. Working is keeping me busy, but it is very difficult at the same time. I have less time to feel sad. I act happy for my students, while I feel such profound sadness inside.

I saw the thread that you started before and now I can't find it. It brought tears to my eyes that you would be so nice to start a thread for me. Thank you very much. I hope that things are going well.

 

[AppleCori]

Glad you could join us, FS.

How is your health doing? Are you still have the vertigo and nausea, or has that gotten better?

How are your sons doing?

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am not dizzy anymore, but it does not mean that the suspicious area under my titanium plate from my brain surgery is ok for sure. Before my brain tumor was discovered in 2007, I only had one bout of dizziness. Meningiomas grow slowly. I think that it is just stress and past brain surgery makes you more apt to have vertigo. I never had it before my brain surgery.

My schizophrenic son is still withdrawing small amounts of money from our joint account, so he is still alive. He is in a beach town about 45 minutes away. I remain sad because I do not think that I will ever see him again. Also, the threat of suicide when a person has command hallucinations, or voices, is about 10%.

My middle son is still away at school and doing research with an internship and another job also in biology. He is still sleeping in a storage room with a bed...but it is a bed inside and he is not sleeping in his car.

My youngest graduated college in June, got a new job in the computer field in town, and is currently trying to buy a house with his inheritance from my parents. He has roommates lined up to offset the costs.

I am petrified of being alone, but I will never tell him. My schuzophrenic sister threatened my life as a child, my first husband was a Vietnam vet and would continually threaten my life, and my schizophrenic son threatened my life. I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress. I will get through it because I am strong, for the most part. I plan on keeping all of the lights on in my house all night...and not watch anymore ghost shows...

 

[Feeling Sad]

My youngest son is going to move out in a week. He bought a wonderful house in town and escrow is almost done.

I am very happy for him. He is doing very well. He has a new job, girlfriend, and house.

But, I am very afraid...almost paralyzed with fear. I have never lived alone. Never. I don't feel like I can do it.

My best friend said something profound. I do not have anyone left to protect. I just have myself. I have always risen to the scary or violent situation at hand to protect my children. I have always been brave, a bit numb, but brave none the less.

But, now I am faced with just myself...and my traumas and fears. I am hyper-vigilant and have a chronic startle reflex.

I plan to keep all of the lights on in the house. I already have an alarm system and cameras. I keep having flashbacks of my schizophrenic son holding the jagged bottle towards my throat and his expressionless eyes. I also miss him terribly everyday...

My middle son is still not doing well. He Is still very sad and depressed. My schizophrenic son is still homeless, most likely, and still uses a small amount of money from our joint account each day. That is my life-line. I am very happy that my youngest son is mostly unscathed.

Even if the alarm was to go off, I am in the back of the house, with no escape route. Should I get a step stool so I can kick out the window screen and climb out? Then, I would still have to go out front for safety and help. I do not trust the police. I would be dead before they arrive.

Funny side note. Yes...funny. Two nights ago, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my youngest son and his new girlfriend. He was joking about the house being haunted. My whole house is full of antiques. He swears that the pedestal rocker from the 1860's used to move and creak at night with the windows closed, as he slept in the loft above.

When I got home, I was in the 'haunted' family room watching t.v., when I heard his husky, Scout's, squeaky tennis ball squeak about 30 times. I thought that Scout must be out there. But, when I checked, he was sleeping in my son's bed.

So what...or who...was still repeatedly squeaking the ball? My heart was in my throat with the thoughts of the fresh discussion about ghosts and our house being haunted!

I still do not know what...or who...was squeaking the ball. When my son came home, after I frantically called him, he found a squeaky tennis ball right outside the window. My yard has block walls and gates.

Was it a racoon? I read that pet racoons like squeaky toys. Or...???

I am a nervous wreck. Maybe I will sleep in the living room, so I can see who is coming through the front door. This is the first time in my life that I greatly dislike my house being 2,400 sqft...with too many rooms...windows...and DOORS. During all of my years of trauma, I never felt this afraid.

 

[BusynMember]

I understand your fears, you poor traumatized lady. Have you ever thought about selling your house with all its bad memories? Starting over? If you don't like living alone perhaps a.codo complex or townhouse would be better. Can you move near your youngest son? A gated community?

You can change your lifestyle to make yourself feel and be safer.

 

[Feeling Sad]

My youngest son is in my town about 7 minutes away. I think that I am as close as he would want me. He wants to strike out on his own. It is time. He stayed an extra year and a half and set up the alarm, camera, and interior automatic light systems to make sure that I was safe.

I do not want the hassle and difficulty of selling my house. I have a lot of items that are saved up from my deceased family members and my sons growing up. I have many antiques from my mother. They give me comfort. It would be emotionally painful to downsize right now...or ever.

I also have some delayed maintenance and it is too difficult an order right now for me to complete. I am doing a lot of it on my own...bit by bit, to save money.

But the main reason is, yes, I don't feel safe because my son could come back in a psychotic state and hurt me. Yet, by my living here in the same house, he could come back and I would see my son again. A bit of a catch 22. I would want him to come back doing better, but with schizophrenia, if treatment is not sought, he could be worse.

There is a thing called Threat Control Override which means even with a restraining order in place, a schizophrenic person could still feel compelled to follow their strong violent command hallucinations from their voices. Their voices threaten their life or the lives of others. Sometimes, they could feel that their mother is the Devil or a spy and that they are saving the world.

My fears are from fifty years of trauma. The fear of my son are the most recent. I have dreams of him and when he walks towards me, I wake up screaming. It is sheer torture to both miss and fear your own flesh and blood at the same time.

My therapist said that I am still being a victim. But, I emphatically disagree. I am being a mother.

 

[BusynMember]

I understand and don't think you are being a victim. Yes, you are being a mother and also just a human being. Trauma doesnt disappear overnight.

 

[RN0441]

I do not live alone but I am rather creeped out and afraid when my husband travels (which isn't often) and I have two dogs that are really great watchdogs even though they are small. We are in a four bedroom home but I have two sliders on the main floor. We are in a very safe neighborhood also. I leave the backyard lights on and porch lights when he's gone.

I agree with SWOT. I'd sell and get something smaller that I felt safe in. No matter how much I had to go through to make that happen that would happen. I'd figure the older I got the harder it would be to make that big change/move so I'd want to do it sooner than later!

 

[Feeling Sad]

I live in a safe neighborhood. I never felt afraid as a single mother. But, I think that it is a combination of being completely alone for now on, coupled with the trauma of what I went through with my violent schizophrenic son.

The part that is worse than the extreme fear, is the profound never-ending sadness that I might not ever see my son again. Living here in the same house is the only way that I could ever see him again. I do not know where he is. He lives in his car.

Yes, it sounds crazy. It IS crazy. I want to stay here so if my son wants to contact me, he could find me. But, here is the crazy part... He could also find me to kill me.

There is no 'good' answer. I have been told that I should never be with him again. But, as a mother, how can I accept that fate? I would never be alone with him.

He did not want to kill me. He was arguing with his voices that he did not want to kill me. Three weeks earlier, he had broken the bottle and held it out towards my throat, but he stopped. He probably saw my shocked face.

I am not saying that this is wonderful. Yes, it is extremely dangerous. But, the 'normal' or sane part of my son was still fighting the voices. Imagine how difficult it has been on my son to slowly slip away and be plaqued by threatening voices and delusions.

If I move, there would be zero chance of ever seeing my son again. But, yes, I would be safer. It is gut-wrenching. I do not know what to do. My first night alone is this Saturday. My youngest son has no idea, nor will I tell him about my fear.

I will get through this. I have to. Thank you for being here for me. It makes me feel better.